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INEEDSOMEHELP
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Reged: 09/27/11
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PLEASE HELP ME - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO
      #763486 - 09/27/11 10:56 AM

So here's my story: I know it's a little long but I really need some help!!!

I first started getting to know this guy 2 years ago via telephone. Our families know each other. They hooked us up and we started talking for about 6 months. We visited each other few times. Then decided to get engaged. He lived in Florida with his Parents at that time, and I lived in Texas with my Family.

After engagement, he gave me access to his email and I found out things that just destroyed everything: He was seeing other women from Craigslist for quite awhile, even while getting to know me. I got upset and angry. He pleaded and begged to give him a second chance. He was really persistent and I believed that he did care about me. He moved down to Texas to be with me even. So I decided to give him another chance.

He moved to Texas in Oct. and stayed with me and my Mom. (at this time nobody in our families knew what happened). We lived together but fought alot. I told him i didn't trust him that easily and that it takes time for me to open up to him and trust him. I tried to build a friendship/relationship with him. But I guess living together just caused more problems between us. We argued about everything. He didn't want to stay in the house, he wanted me to trust him. He hated that I didn't share much of my life with him. He hated that I wasn't as social with him. Just alot of arguments.

Then we got married few months later. Still no progress in how to fight fairly. We both still had resentments. When things were good, they were really good. But when things were bad, they were Really bad. Our arguments got worse. He started shoving me out of his way when I told him to talk about our fights. He got defensive alot. He complained to his parents about me alot. So his parents started hating on me and brainwashing him against me. Since he's an only child, I think that had something to do with it.

We moved out of my Mom's house and got our own apartment. That seemed to please him a little. He still complained about things i didn't do around the apartment. He complained that I still don't trust him. Again, I kept accusing him for things like looking at other women, thinking about other women. I know in part it was my fault because I was sooo paranoid about him liking me. So his frustration kept building as to WHY i didn't trust him yet. And I kept telling him WHY i didn't trust him, because by default it's not that easy to build trust with him. I kept telling him that at this point, i can't even Trust his behaviour towards me, I can't trust our fighting habits, I can't trust his parents, so what was there to Trust? We got into a fight again. I left to go to my Mom's house again and
he pretty much told me to get the rest of my stuff out of the apartment and move back home. He even told me that hwent to strip clubs behind my back since I didn't come back. He told me he's lonely and that he has needs too. He just doesn't seem to understand what a relationship is!?

So here i am. It's been 5 months now since we have lived seperately. I still don't trust him. He still doesn't get it. I have been going back & forth to the apt to see him and try to develop a friendship with him. I am the one who initiated Marriage Counseling. He's been coming with me. But still i see no progress. Is it time to call it quits? I still like him. And i know he still likes me. He's been asking me to come back. He's apologized to me. He's just so stubborn about everything. We have SOOO many issues to work on, I don't know if it's worth it??? PLEASE HELP??
We're good at being friends, but we suck at this marriage. I just don't know what to do anymore...


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southernman
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO [Re: INEEDSOMEHELP]
      #763514 - 09/27/11 12:57 PM

I hate to say this but you need to move on with your life without him. Divorce him and find someone who you love, trust, and feel comfortable, open, and honest with.

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INEEDSOMEHELP
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Reged: 09/27/11
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO [Re: southernman]
      #763523 - 09/27/11 02:20 PM

Thank you Southernman, but I don't know how to do that. I feel like i've invested alot of time & energy towards this marriage. Not to mention that i still feel guilty for the fact that He moved here by himself. I don't know how to cut him off? I'd feel guilty if i did that...

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southernman
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO [Re: INEEDSOMEHELP]
      #763734 - 09/28/11 11:59 AM

Make a list.....what's good about your relationship and then....what's bad about it or list issues that need to improved upon. Ask him to do the same and see if you two have the same view point. Its a place to start without doing the marriage counseling.

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INEEDSOMEHELP
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Reged: 09/27/11
Posts: 16
Re: PLEASE HELP ME - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO [Re: southernman]
      #763922 - 09/29/11 01:56 PM

We tried that. Let me take that back, I tried that with him. We started talking about one issue at a time, but then we fought about it so much that we just ended up avoiding it all together. And we've been "friends" talking about other things. I'm trying to get him to open up about HOW to talk in the first place. He's always so defensive and argumentative about talking with me on these issues. He thinks we have no issues, and that it's all in MY head. I tell him that if one spouse has a problem, then both have the problem. It affects both of us, right? He doesn't see it that way...

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Renny
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO [Re: INEEDSOMEHELP]
      #763943 - 09/29/11 11:39 PM

Pardon me ineed, but you say " he doesn't get it" but you mean he doesnt watt to' tali about reconciliation. If one spouse doesn't want to be married, sooner or later he/she is going to get his/her wish. This case sounds like a moribund marriage. Best to let it go. Plenty of mixed signals and confused feelings, but what seems pretty clear iscthat this marriage is over and needs a decent burial.

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buckwheat
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Re: PLEASE HELP ME - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO [Re: Renny]
      #764446 - 10/09/11 05:13 PM

Dammit he dont want to be with you anymore, what makes you not see that, you are miserable, you were miserable when you got married, you dont trust him, good grief do you just like to suffer or something!

Move on with your life


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