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confidential1
recently joined


Reged: 10/15/10
Posts: 3
agressive grandparents
      #698843 - 10/18/10 01:31 PM

Hello,
My fiance's parents & I have very different parenting styles. We've had arguments before, but things really blew up about a month ago in which we had a yelling match & fiance's mother slapped me so I slapped her back. Since this fight, which occured two days bfore my baby turned one, they didn't come to his party & they also told their whole family not to come as well, since they were steaming over this. I was also advised I was not welcome at their family getogethers as well & they were not speaking to me.
Now the issue with this as well is the fact that they still wanted to watch my son 2 days a week, which they do in my house, but they would only communicate with me by letter or email. (they wanted me to send mother in law an email apologizing regarding the incident). I said I will put nothing in writing about anything. I told my fiance that if his parents aren't talking to me, I don't feel comfortable with them wathing my son, & when I told this to my fiance's father via telephone, he told me If I don't let them see the baby, there will be "consequences." Now, I took that as a verbal threat. In addition to this, I also got a bill in the mail recently from my baby's pediatrician, which was for a date of service I didn't even go there. I then found out my fiance's parents went to my baby's dr behind my back, without my knowledge, & complained to the pediatrician they were concerned with my mother watching him, who watches my baby 3 days of the week week. It should be noted that in addition to watching my son, my mother also works a full time job caring for clients with disabilities, she does have bad knees & therefore she watches the baby mostly indoors. But she loves being w/ him & he is a happy & healthy baby. My fiance's parents on the other hand are extreme health freaks who believe he should be outside most of the day, whether in extreme heat or cold, they think he needs fresh air constantly, & they diregard my views as to what weather I want the baby outside in, thinking they know best. And this also stems from since the day my son was born they have been pushing for my fiance & I to put my baby in daycare, which I told them I don't want to do yet, for a number of different reasons & I am happy w/ my mom caring for our baby. My fiance's mother, who months ago had an argument with my mother, followed it up with a nasty letter to my mother which was very disresepctful, so my mother is not even on speaking terms with them.
As of recently, I am on limited speaking terms with fiance's parents, consisting of hi, bye, & what kind of day the baby had when they are watching him. They live several states away (a four hour drive), yet come down as I said ,2 days a week to watch the baby, the mother/father alternating weeks they watch him.
So, with them constantly undermining me as a mother, going behind my back, etc, I would like to limit the time they spend w/ my son. Does anyone know if it is possible for me to do this at all, what kind of rights do I have, if any to do this? Also, please give me your opinion of what you think is thier true motive for these actions against me, as in are they trying to take my baby possibly? I would appreciate your responce & advise.

Concerned Mother


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palmel1234
journeyman


Reged: 03/05/10
Posts: 93
Re: agressive grandparents [Re: confidential1]
      #698868 - 10/18/10 02:14 PM

Wow, a lot of fighting going on. How does your fiance feel about all of this?

First of all, grandparents have NO legal rights when it comes to grandchildren. You have all the rights as far as your child is concerned and have every right to say when and if they can see your child.

I had a problem with my ex-MIL who refused to do anything I wanted done with my daughter, from refusing to potty train her, to letting her watch TV all day, to refusing to wean her off the bottle. I eventually had to put my daughter in day care because she refused to listen to me.

Fortunately, it didn't get as bad as a physical fight, but this is not a healthy environment for you or your child. I hope that you and your finance's family are able to work things out, but in the meantime you need to set some boundaries.

Yes, it looks like they are trying to do something fishy, but if all they have is that your mom keeps the baby indoors for the most part, that's nothing.

They sound pretty fanatical about the child, driving FOUR hours just to babysit sounds extreme! I would limit their visitation. I would tell your future in-laws they are no longer needed to watch the baby and find someone else to watch the child who will respect your authority as the child's parent.

I hope you and fiance are on the same page about this. If he doesn't support you or appreciate your concerns, re-evaluate if you want to get married to him. My STBX refused to back me up when me and his mother disagreed over my daughter and it caused serious problems in the marriage.
Good luck!

Edited by palmel1234 (10/18/10 02:25 PM)


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confidential1
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Reged: 10/15/10
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Re: agressive grandparents [Re: palmel1234]
      #698891 - 10/18/10 02:58 PM

Hi Joureyman,
Thanks for your advice. Unfortunately, my fiance is their puppet & does whatever they tell him to do & he doesn't see my point of view at all. Most of the time, it's 3 against one, if you see what I mean. His parents are extremely pushy/cotrolling, & I really believe that is the reason their other son & daughter both live across the country, cause it's not as easy to jump on a plane & go bother them. For instance, right after we revealed we were expecting our son, a few months later my fiance's brother also became pregnant, & I really think this was due to my fiance's parents pressuring them to start a family just because we did, because prior to that, they were just traveling & enjoying their marriage.


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palmel1234
journeyman


Reged: 03/05/10
Posts: 93
Re: agressive grandparents [Re: confidential1]
      #698907 - 10/18/10 03:22 PM

You need to nip this in the bud.

If your fiance won't stand up to them, you need to talk to him. Tell him if he doesn't put a stop to this, you will do what you need to do. Don't let the in-laws suck you into their fights. Ignore their threats, etc. Any communication should go through your fiance.

Make other day care arrangements for the days that the in-laws watch your child and have your fiance let them know about the change. If they have a stink, too bad.


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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3120
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
Re: agressive grandparents [Re: palmel1234]
      #699000 - 10/18/10 07:22 PM

Think REALLY HARD about marrying this man.....

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finz
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Reged: 06/17/08
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Re: agressive grandparents [Re: BeachBabeRN]
      #699090 - 10/19/10 07:29 AM

If you end up dumping your fiance over this, realize that on his parenting time with your child, he can let his parents spend as much time with the baby as he wants.

I totally agree with palmel's advice to nip this in the bud NOW. His mother assaulted you. You should have called the police and pressed charges against her instead of hitting back, but it still might be possible to get a RO against her. No way in hell would I let her watch my child and if SHE doesn't apologize I wouldn't let her have any contact with the baby.

If your fiance can't get on board with that.....cut that cord quickly.


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youngatheart
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Reged: 09/03/05
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Re: agressive grandparents [Re: confidential1]
      #699241 - 10/19/10 03:06 PM

People who disregard my decisions for my child do not get to see my child. That includes grandparents. I would put a stop to them watching your son TODAY.

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Debi
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Re: agressive grandparents [Re: confidential1]
      #704220 - 11/07/10 08:00 AM

i guess I'm a little confused. is this also your fiance's baby? You only refered to him as "my baby" so that makes me guess that he's not? If it is then he absolutely has equal rights in saying who gets to spend time with the child and and you don't get to unilaterally make that decision. What you should do is have a conversation with him and get on the same page.

If this is not also his child then you can do whatever you want. i'd say you should consider putting him in daycare those couple days a week. How can they argue with it if that's what they said they wanted in the first place? At a daycare you are paying for his care so they will do what you tell them to do (within reason and without disruptig all the other kids))

They completely overstepped their bounds by taking him to a Dr without permission, so contact your Dr's office and let them know that no one but you or the childs father will be bringing him to appointments and barring an emergency situation they should not see him without a photo ID.

I doubt they are trying to take your baby. It sounds as if they love him and want to spend time with him also. They need to learn boundries and figure out thatt hey are the grandparents, not the parents. Nothing is going to help if you and your fiance aren't on the same page. Leaving your fiance isn't the answer because as someone else pointed out when he has the child his parents will most likely do the care giving and then you will have even less say over what they do.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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buckwheat
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Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
Re: agressive grandparents [Re: Debi]
      #764827 - 10/13/11 03:21 PM

I think you are making your own drama.

How are you going to marry someone when you and his parents are fighting each other. How is this gonna play out long term? Do you think marrying this guy is gonna turn him against his family? If you think that then you are the dumbass in this, you need to not marry this person, cause if you marry him the other family will always becoming between you and him.

You also may want to look at yourself, you have a major part in this. I think you are the one trying to break away from his folks for some reason.

This is no way to start a marriage, to me your already in divorce court before you said your vows.


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