Anything4Love
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 60
Loc: Virginia
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The legal jargon I have seen on separation agreements say that the parties will live their own lives "as if they were single". Shouldn't that mean the parties should be free to get on with their life? It is a monumental, possibly insurmountable task, for the parent who is the one who has to move to get set up in a new 3 bedroom place when they are not made of money. I completely understand, and agree with, the concept that there should be no "revolving door" of partners coming through the house, but one steady partner or a friend to help pay the rent?? And good grief some states require a one year separation. My adversary thinks who I associate with or accept help from so that I can separate from my husband will annhialate my custody case, even though my friend is someone with zero criminal background who has never harmed a child. Now I don't know what to do. Am I forced to stay in the home with my husband, separated, wait for the divorce to be final, and be forced to go so far as to immediately marry anyone I would live, roomate, or share expenses with? This is absolutely mind boggling. Being here, together, going through this separation, is absolutely NOT a healthy situation in my mind for anyone, including the children. If things were healthy I wouldn't be wanting a separation to begin with. And the biggest irony? I was living with but not married to the father when we had our kids. Nobody cried foul then. I want to leave so much but now I'm petrified that I'm going to be slaughtered in court for getting on with my life. Thanks for your help. I am in Virginia.
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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Different states have different meanings and requirements for separation. In my state there is no separation period, perhaps because the legislature would rather see people divorced than living in "sin".
The "as if single" wording is strange to me, AA it is somewhat ambiguous -- single as in no partner, and single as in not married.
At any rate, the intent of the separation period in your state may be for the parties to live singly, with no partners, to reflect on whether they
really want to get divorced. Or it could be the policy is to keep people from remarrying right away. more info needed.
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buckwheat
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
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I think you need to hold off living with another man until you at least get your divorce done. All your doing is jumping right back in the frying pan and its all about money.
Yes it could affect your situation, think this thru long and hard.
Good Luck
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Yes, It could affect custody but reading your other posts it's not your stbx who has an issue with it, correct? No one else really gets a say no matter how badly they want one.
If you think this is going to be a problem with your FIL then maybe you should consider moving in with a female friend for awhile. In the name of helpingwith expenses. You're right, it's tough paying the bills for 3 or 4 people on one income but it's doable. I've done it for over 10 years. I just recently moved in with my SO but we don't co mingle any finances and the only thing that's decreased for me is the mortgage. All of the other bills including groceries have increased.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6481
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Not that it's any of my business, but are you planning on moving in with a purely platonic male friend or do you have a romantic relationship in mind ?
My disclaimer: I'm not a fan of living together. I don't think everyone who does that is on the hell express, but I do think it is a HUGE mistake to move in together when it is a new relationship. I think it's an even bigger issue when there are kids involved and they are at impressionable ages (like 10,10,13,and 13)
I don't think that any of it is your sbtx f-i-l's business. I think he should get to spend time with the kids during your stx's parenting time, if f-i-l doesn't totally alienate stbx with the custody crap he is filing now.
I think it would be a better lesson for your kids to stand on your own financially for awhile and date, if you want to.....but put off the living together stuff until you are sure the kids have recovered from the divorce and to see if a new relationship has any staying power.
In your case, that might also have the benficial side effect of letting the ir out of f-i-l's balloon.
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Anything4Love
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 60
Loc: Virginia
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Thank you for the thoughtful answers. I will answer some of the questions. I will not be moving at all until at least the upcoming court date matter is resolved (including if it is continued). FILs allegation that we are "already separated" goes against him when we don't even have any agreement signed yet and we still live under the same roof. My stbx and I have agreed to stay put for the time being before we re-visit any separation agreement.
The friend is a very close friend who I have known over a year (not as well in the beginning but very well now) who has provided me infinite emotional support during these difficult times. If not for his encouragement and support I would have far less strength and courage in dealing with the current circumstances. Whether it goes beyond a strong, caring friendship that is something that would not occur until after there is a formal separation if it were to occur. I often contemplate if I should even wait to entertain the idea of moving on until after divorce and consider that I should find a way to acheive that more quickly. I have no interest in potentially dating anyone else. I don't think I would trust anyone else, anyone I didn't know well, for a while, given my experience. I just can't fathom the concept that courts would not expect people to get on with their lives. It seems to me a healthy, well-adjusted response as long as the parent is discreet and committed to one person.
My stbx seems to respect the fact that when all is said and done we need to be able to get on with our lives. I sense it is painful for him to think about. But we have a full cooperation as far as custody and separation agreement, and all his FIL has acheived has been to strengthen our support of, and cooperation with, each other.
As for FIL alienating the stbx if I were him I'd cut the guy out of my life for good. He does not feel as strongly as I would, yet, but needless to say FILs actions were absolutely not conducive to a loving father-son relationship.
Thanks again for all the help.
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