Heliotrope
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My ex and I have two children together (6 year old girl, almost 3 year old girl), and no others. Joint legal, joint physical.
My ex has our girls on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and every other Sunday.
Our 6-year-old started Kindergarten this year.
In the past roughly 8 weeks my ex has failed to take her to school 6 times and brought her in late 2 times. The school counts unexcused absences and tardies the same, so that's a total of 8.
One week was fall break so she's averaging just shy of one absence per week. She has never had a valid reason to be out, so all are unexcused. The last time was just the other day. I've gone to school to pick her up (before I started working there) and learned she had been out all day, that she was at the beach with Dad instead. Not a call to the school, no call to me...this same scene has repeated over and over. He sometimes notifies me, like the time before last when I got a text in the morning: "I kept (dd) we go aquarium."
I am a teacher at the school she attends. I just started teaching so I don't really know what happens in these cases, so I asked a few staff members. They said that although the school will probably send a letter home and schedule a meeting (at which they will say "you have to bring the child to school"), they won't take any legal action because she is only in Kindergarten. For grades 1 and above, they are tougher. They send out a social worker to try to figure out why the parent can't get the child to school, and after 10 (unexcused absences, tardies, or combination thereof) they can take the family to court. How hard they pursue this depends on the principal. New principal, so we don't know how she is regarding this yet.
However, I looked it up and the state law indicates that in any school year during which a child will be 6 as of New Year's, attendance is mandatory. So I'm wondering if the school maybe doesn't realize that it's not grade level but age that dictates attendance. If that is the case, perhaps I can politely point out the law and ask that they do everything in their power to ensure she attends school. Should I do that? I figure a social study would help pick up on whatever his issues are and hopefully strong arm him into taking her to school.
Here is a link to the "legal posture" of the State of HI regarding school attendance:
[url=[censored]://sssb.k12.hi.us/attendance_module/IIA1_legal_posture.html]Legal Posture[/url]
As an aside, our visitation agreement says that "parents shall ponder 50/50" but he has never pushed for any more than we had at the time of trial, which is 2 days a week, with a 3rd day added every other week.
I'm a little worried that if I take this to family court, his attorney will realize he is not taking advantage of his parenting time and blast him for it. The result will be he has them more, which would seem to mean she would miss more school.
This judge is widely known for making decisions that just leave everyone scratching their heads. So if my worries seem irrational, all I can say is, "You'd have to see it to believe it". The judge is known for strongly favoring the dads and is even under investigation for repeatedly violating the statute that prohibits granting custody to convicted abusers. We have only one family court judge.
If it weren't for the above, I would hope to be able to go to the judge, explain what is happening, and ask that either the judge mandates that my ex take our daughter to school or that he won't be able to have her during the school week. But given the above, what would you do?
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Buckeye
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In my city, we have a truant officer - maybe you could contact that office and see what they would suggest.
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elliesmom
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Not taking the kid to school (on time or at all) s grounds to alter the custody arrangement to "no school nights." I would put him on notice that she needs to get to school - and on time - or you will have to explore your options legally for him to only have overnights on weekends. The only excused absences are Dr appts in our state.
FYI - the 6 yo thing is really just in reference to when a child must be either enrolled in school or being homeschooled. They do 6 so parents have the option of waiting a year for K if they want to. Once you've enrolled in school - attendance is mandatory until you disenroll.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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gr8Dad
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Why does he get so little time with the child? Perhaps you could consider that BECAUSE he has so little time with them, he is trying to cram it all into that short amount of time. I mean come on, two nights a week and two days a month is RIDICULOUSLY low. Standard EOW is Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday and a midweek parenting time session, usualy on Wednesday.
I will be honest, if I recieved such little time with my children, getting them to KINDERGARTEN would not be a priority.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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BeckaLeigh
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As an aside, our visitation agreement says that "parents shall ponder 50/50" but he has never pushed for any more than we had at the time of trial, which is 2 days a week, with a 3rd day added every other week.
I'm a little worried that if I take this to family court, his attorney will realize he is not taking advantage of his parenting time and blast him for it. The result will be he has them more, which would seem to mean she would miss more school.
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That was in the OP, gr8. She sounds like she is not against him having them more, she just wants their child to have all the advantages of school, as the law says they should.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Heliotrope
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Perhaps I wasn't clear that he is aware that he can have the kids 50 percent of the time but he has never asked for more time than he has, and he often bows out of his time, like if he has a cold or something. I have frequently brought up the schedule just to make sure I can document that I have acknowledged that he can have more time and that it is not me who is preventing him from doing so. In August my ex bowed out of half a month's worth of visitation with no advance notice. I am still not sure why, but a friend was visiting and he said he was surfing every day. It is not always correct to make assumptions based on what one would do themselves. Some people choose different paths, as has he. I would be fine with him having the kids half the time, provided that he get them to school when they are required to go.
Edited by Heliotrope (11/07/11 03:25 PM)
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gr8Dad
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I basically says she is afraid he will REALIZE he is entitled to more time and start taking it. I wonder WHY she is afraid of him taking more time? She makes it SOUND like he SHOULD get more time, he just doesn't realize it.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Heliotrope
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Perhaps I was not clear. The fear I have is that by bringing up this issue he will be prompted by his attorney to take his full parenting time, and not because of intrinsic motivation to do so. Reasons for feeling this way given below. Bottom line, he cannot seem to get her to school. She is absent again today. She was fine when I dropped her off yesterday, they had a weekend day together, and today she is not here. Nor was she here Friday. This is not ok. Besides asking him regularly if he wants to change the schedule in any way, when she is on break I always ask him if he wants more time with the kids, and he has never responded. This, combined with the history of bowing out of the time he has committed to, leads me believe that it is not because he does not feel he has enough time with her. Plus, he has directly lamented to me that it's' nearly impossible for him to get her to school in the morning. So I don't know what else to conclude other than that he is presently having a hard time doing the responsible part of parenting.
Edited by Heliotrope (11/07/11 03:27 PM)
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ssmom79
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Have you considered offering to take her to school since you work there anyway? Is that something he might go for?
It's school, kindergarten or not, it's school and a responsibility.
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Heliotrope
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ssmom, thanks for your reply. I have indeed considered doing that. However I'm wondering if I could be viewed as overstepping my bounds, an arrow his lawyer has slung at me a few times already. Plus, is it wrong for me to want him to step up if he's going to be a custodial parent? Or should I just let that one go?
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ssmom79
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I'm of the mindset that you do what's best for the child first, so if taking her to school so he doesn't have to worry with getting her there will work, that is the route I would choose.
To avoid overstepping, I would phrase it as though you are offering to help him out, rather than controlling the situation. You say, listen, I know it's tough for you to get her to school in the morning, would it help if I picked her up on those mornings? The idea is to get them to think you're helping them.
It is never wrong to want your ex to behave as a responsible parent, however, you cannot control his actions. So I recommend finding a work around. With kids at 3 and 6 you have a long way to go co-parenting.
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elliesmom
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Offering to take her to school on his days would certainly be cheaper than hiring a lawyer - if you have the ability to do that.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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BeckaLeigh
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I would fear the same thing if my X had a habit of letting our child skip school for no reason. Their education is number one. Maybe that really is her only fear about Dad having more time.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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gr8Dad
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Yes, but its not like the kid is missing AP Physics, its a few days of KINDERGARTEN.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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BeckaLeigh
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gr8dad, from kinder up, I would NOT let my kids miss a day of school unless they were sick. No fun days, no nothing. All because everything I've ever read point to habits instilled early are the hardest to break. Besides, it isn't like it is going to matter if it is kinder or AP physics, if they take it to court, it is still the same ticket or jailtime.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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gr8Dad
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But you also get to see your kids regularly as a CP. The "unwritten rules" are different for NCP's, and even those who won't ADMIT it, KNOW it.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Tweeby
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Gr8, my husband was upset when he found out how much time his kids missed in the younger grades. Yes it is just Kindergarden but in some States it IS required while in others it is 'like' a preschool.
Perhaps once in a while it is fine but not nearly everyweek. It is the attitude of it is just a certain grade so it is fine to keep the child out of school or take them late. What is that telling the child about the importance of school?
it sounds like Dad is able to take more time so he wouldn't have to have the child miss school. Not all NCP want the extra time.
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BeckaLeigh
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That is true. To an extent. Some people just don't want the responsibility, though.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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gr8Dad
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"What is that telling the child about the importance of school?"
That you don't learn EVERYTHING in school, and that while it is important, it is not the end all be all?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Tweeby
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Once in a while is fine. In some States there are truancy laws where if a child misses so many days (without a medical excuse) than the parents can be brought up in charges? Of course that IS if the school district pursues it and many districts do.
Remember my husband recieved custody mainly because the BM wasn't sending the children to school. I don't mind the kids missing a a couple of 'playing hookie days' but the kids have to earn it and it is perhaps once or twice a year. Something special could make it a few days but it will have to be special. Missing or tardy for 8 days in less than 3 months of school is not acceptable to MANY parents (without a medical excuse).
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BeckaLeigh
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My kids aren't allowed to just miss school for the fun of it. They will probably be those adults who skip work weekly from too strict a mom. jk Seriously, school is not an end-all, but it IS important. I didn't finish school and it is hard as hell for me. I don't want my kids going through the same things I have had to endure.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Debi
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No, she said she is afraid his ATTORNEY will realize how little time he's taking.
"I'm a little worried that if I take this to family court, his attorney will realize he is not taking advantage of his parenting time and blast him for it."
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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LexieBelle
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Here, in Kindergarten, FIVE unexcused (meaning ANYTHING other than SICK) absences will land the parents in a review board. DD's curriculum has been pretty intense thus far. they even recommend (strongly) that you avoid having doctor's appointments during school hours.
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Buckeye
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Considering my DGD learned to read in Kindergarten, you can no longer say that it isn't "real" school.
His attorney probably will not blast him for not taking his time BUT I'm sure the judge will ream him a new one.
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LexieBelle
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So is dd. Learning to read that is. And she learned about Christopher Columbus, and how seeds become trees, and about veterans, and counting and even addition and subtraction. And it's only early November. It's VERY intense. Even she knows missing a day isn't a good idea. She'll miss too much she says.
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kkimberh
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DD went to a private school downtown close to my office through Kindergarten. They private school taught her to read, but they weren't much on math.
When she got to public school in first grade, she was SO behind - the others had learned fractions in Kindergarten! Fractions! It took Years for dd to get caught back up in math...
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I love therapy. It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me.
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annieo
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Loc: Pacific Northwest
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was that a montessori school? those are the worst schools for a Kindergartener to go to - they will be behind - the public school here wishes the montessori school here would stop teaching Kindergarten because they are so far behind the public school - we also have a community school - works similar to the montessori school and those that go through sixth grade there have a really hard time in jr. high unless they are above average intelligence they just do not fair well with montessori type schools - which is sad because around here the only alternative to public school is the community school and the montessori school or homeschooling - kindergarten is what first grade used to be so those who do not go to preschool are behind as well - school is so much more advanced now - they expect so much when you get to kindergarten and even preschool - I think it is good but we also have all-day Kindergarten here - I think it makes a difference.
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kkimberh
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No, it was a Lutheran preschool/school. She'd been going there since she was 3. It used to go up to 5th grade, but then stopped at Kindergarten. Now they only do preschool because the demand for daycare downtown is so high, but school not so much.
That's exactly it! Kindergarten is what first grade used to be. Except they sure learn more than we ever did in first grade. We only have all-day kindergarten as well.
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I love therapy. It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me.
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annieo
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My son went to Catholic school for preschool through 2nd grade and I have to say he was advanced for the public school and our public school is really good - the Catholic school he went to was advanced - I was amazed at the difference and it was all day Kindergarten.
I wish he could still go to the Catholic school but we moved several hours away and the closest one now is 2 hours away one way - ugh!!! I think it depends on the teachers as well the Catholic school he went to the teachers had to have a Masters and at minimum 10 years experience and of course they had to be Catholic. I loved that school.
Church preschools are not always the best - they are much better when a church elementary school is combined given the preschool has to also be a certified teacher - many preschools are combined into day cares - some are even at private homes taught by the day care provider who is just Jane Doe who has no schooling in teaching children - those children are often very far behind,
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