onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Need some sound advice. EX lives out of state. He is due to have Thanksgiving with youngest child(older two are over 18) this year. I have already agreed to allow him extra visitation of Wednesday through Saturday. I did request returning on sat over sunday due to the high traffic and wanting to have a dinner at my house for the kids on Sunday.
Now the 18 year old wants me to change the plans and come back sunday so he can hang with friends sat night up at his dads. I explained the reasoning again to him.. Then he asks yet again and says he is just going to take his own vehicle so he can wait and come home Sunday. Well that would be fine if he had enough experience to make that drive alone..... plus I spent practically every dime I had earlier this fall fixing up that car. It is not horribly reliable, has a large number of miles on it and needs new tires. I told him I disagreed but it was his decision - he is 18. Making sure he realized "this" bank is bankrupt. So do I just leave it and let him deal with the consequences? Or do I put all of their safety first and alter my plans (again....common theme in this family) The original plan was I take them up to meet ex on Wed and pick up Sat. Now it is son drives tuesday, I drive and drop off youngest Wed. I pick up youngest Sat and 18yo drives home Sunday. I've put my foot down about not allowing youngest to drive with him. I think it would be ok, but if he did break down the last thing he needed to worry about was a little kid in the car.
The last option would be for me to say screwit you win,. I'll take them up tuesday and pick up sunday and say screw Thanksgiving.
A slight backstory- we got into this summer over that I was more concerned with my vehicle than seeing the som that was living there...bc I couldn't make the trip as much as he wanted.I know this is where this conversation will end. It is not a case of if I WANT to do these things but what is best for safety, wear and tear on vehicles...long term stuff. His vehicle may not break down in THIS trip but when it breaks down next week on his way to class...guess who gets to bail him out?
I hate this stuff and ex will not talk to me about it..he'll only talk to the kids.
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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How far is the drive? I would let the 18 year old drive down and back, and if he breaks down, it might teach him something about conserving resources. Tell him that when it breaks down he can take the bus. It's a thankless task to impose the most rational solution.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30374
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If you knew for a FACT it would break down, you would have a case. You cannot live in the "mights".
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Renny, It's 5 hours each way. He did it once before and it's one of those things where he'll be ok (95%) sure) And you're suggestion is what I'm leaning toward. Its not like he has a great reason-like he's going to miss his ggm 100th birthday. And honestly, this is the way ex bullies me. He used the kids to guit me into this stuff and it usually works.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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Well that would be fine if he had enough experience to make that drive alone.....
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The kid lives in your home and he isn't an experienced driver, right? As a parent, I don't think that I would use Thanksgiving weekend as a time for a new driver to become more experienced?
How seasoned is your son?
I put safety first and I also go with my gut. If my gut is telling me that my child is not experienced enough to drive that Thanksgiving weekend out of town...then my son wouldn't be driving. If I felt like the car he wanted to take wasn't going to get him there and back- 100%- then I would not allow him to take it. So if he breaks down on Sunday- you would still have to go pick him up, wait for a tow truck and pay the tow truck driver. If you are worried about the car not making it, I would probably be willing to pay a garage the $60 or whatever it takes to see if there is anything wrong with the vehicle before the trip.
How long is this drive? What about you leaving EARLY Sunday morning and being the X's house in the morning? That way the drive back will be in the morning hours? Would your X be willing to meet you any part of the way on Sunday?
As someone who has done the Wed-Sun drive out of state before, the earlier you get back the better the traffic :)
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2019
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He's 18, he doesn't have to come back at all.
If he breaks down in his car, well, that is a life lesson learned.
If the conversation gets into you caring more about the vehicle than him, well, set him straight. You made plans, he wants to do something different. It is up to him whether or not he's going to come back on Saturday or hang out with his friends and drive back on his own. He's an adult, start treating him like one.
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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Don't alter your plans.
If it was me I would tell the 18 yo when dinner is and let him decide how and when he wants to get there. If he says he will drive than ask a few questions about "what if's" so he can think about that long of a drive alone. Let him know that if the car breaks down that it is all on him to figure out how to get a tow truck and how to pay for it. Than let him do what he decides but you stick to your word and if something happens to the car than you won't pay for it. You can always go get him for safety reasons but other than that he can figure out the rest.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Who owns and insures the 18 year old's vehicle? SOunds like you do.
GO ahead with your plans. An 18 year old doesn't run your home, you do.
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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It is 5 hours each way and I usually meet ex 1/2 way.
I am so torn between the two decisions...as I sit here and contemplate emailing ex and saying screw it I'm doing the driving. But hATE the door mat maipulated feeling it gives me. But I will be a nervous wreck the whole time son is on the road. And Yes, 2 reasons were stated here... one is if he breaks down on this end of the state. I'll end up going after him anyway and two he is on MY insurance (that recently raised due to other son getting in a wreck) so while son would pay any increases that affects my insurance "history" for the future even after they are moved on. So if he hits someone I get screwed.
He has been driving some over the last 1 1/2 years but not much and just got his own car in the last 3 months. Hes only driven it locally. He mad THIS drive once in his life. and I know he needs the experience but I don't know about THIS weekend as stated earlier. I've been driving for almost 30 years and I hate driving this weekend.
He owns the vehicle.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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I think you're being overly cautious. If one kid is driving and it's out of state, I'd send the younger with that same child and be on standby if you have to go rescue them. Dad lives out of state - I would let them stay the longer time. Fact is, bankrupt or not, consequences or not, you're not going to leave any of your kids on the side of the road if he breaks down, so IMO it's a waste for you both to make the trip.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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Yabbut----------dad lives 5 hours away. I think it should be CP responsibility to make sure the kid becomes experienced enough to make that drive (and I'd start when they can get their permit).
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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Having already made the drive, I don't think an argument can be made that he shouldn't do it again.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30374
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"But hATE the door mat maipulated feeling it gives me."
How, exactly, does this come back on your ex? Isn't it the oldest kid that is causing the problem by wanting to change the schedule?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I can see how people would have different views on this. Having a SD who has done the 5 hour drive...she has never done it on the busiest holiday weekend of the year (Thanksgiving). We also didn't allow her during Christmas time because it was snowing and that 5 hours includes going through the snow belt.
I was out on the highway today and saw 5 DIFFERENT people texting and driving. I am a defensive driver, I am sure most are, but reaction time and alert driving- some of it comes with experience.
The OP will have to let us know what they all decided and how the weekend went. SAFE TRAVELS!
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Thanks Cassie, I thought it through, what was my problem with the situation. I was concerned about my son driving that car combined with the heavy traffic was my objection. So rather than worry all weekend. I am driving them up momentarily and going back Sunday to pick them up. Son is off road alone. goal achieved.
I know I seem overprotective but I am not. I have no problem with my kids driving around to the beach whatever. But this drive is on a dangerous day and he keeps having problems with the car. I'd rather take the risk myself. If that means spending Thanksgiving alone, so be it.
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buckwheat
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
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Good For You.
I had some of the best times on road trips with my kids when they were younger, we would stop at every Craker Barrel and say things to those dag gum parrots that would record your voice, just always had fun, so enjoy your time on the road with the kids.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I'm actually glad to hear it. I don't think it's necessarily "overprotective" I just think you are choosing what you find best for your child and your situation. My SD has had her driver's license for two years and I can tell you that she won't be making that 5 hour Thanksgiving weekend drive to see her Grandmother. Like last year she will do the drive, weather pending, for Spring break in March.
I would have done the same thing you did :)
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
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