BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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I tried to reconcile with H after 6 months of seperation in August. It lasted until October, didn't end pretty. My kids were miserable, I was miserable, he was miserable. I do love him and always will... Let me rephrase that, I love the man I married. I don't love the meth monkey he has turned back into. I can't save him, he doesn't want to save himself.
I moved back to my hometown, we are staying with family. My kids are happy, I am happy. I started working at Wal-Mart almost a month ago. I love it. I have my car, my kids and my animals to my name right now, that is it. It is a very different life than the one I became accustomed to, but it is one that I am making with my kids and my best friend. He is the one I was living with earlier this year, the one who was very hurt when I went back to H.
While I regret hurting my best friend like I did, I don't regret going back to H. I know it may sound stupid and I may have said it before, but I am good with the split. I am happy about it. Yes, I would love to be with the man he used to be but that man is long gone. I have finally learned that. I don't blame him, I blame me. Only me. I have no room in my life to hold a grudge against him anymore. He is who he is. I am unable to accept that anymore.
Christmas is coming up and for the first time in about 3 years, my kids are excited about it. I hadn't realized just how withdrawn my kids had become due to the BS H pulled and the arguing between me and him. I do regret that much of it.
I just wanted to drop in and let everyone know how I was. I hope you guys are great. I still lurk but up until tonight, I was so busy licking my wounds, I didn't have the nerve to admit to you all that I had gone back to H. I did admit it to gr8dad and have to say I got a totally different reaction than the one I expected. He didn't gripe at me, he understood and comforted me.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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I am glad to hear you are doing better. It's a hard road you are on, but you will find that you will be much better off as will your children. You have had to make some very difficult decisions, but you have come through it wiser and stronger. I wish you all the best, you deserve it. {HUGS}
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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People do what they gotta do Becka... and particularly in love/relationships sometimes it takes a time or two, or three, or whatever, to KNOW when something is or isn't over. Particularly when you have a family (kids) involved.
Glad life is going well for you now and that you have.. peace.. with your feelings on your husband.
As for gr8.. I'm not surprised to be honest. You'll find with us very vocal, very opinionated folks? We tend to be more compassionate/understanding than you might expect. With those strong opinions, willingness to express them, comes a passion, with which also comes understanding. I've experienced it as well with Gr8.. he's not a bad guy at all, and he's great fun to "spar" with, lol. People tend to take people like us MUCH more seriously than we take ourselves.. Really.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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Hey Becka :o) I wish you continued success on your path to increased happiness! Meth addiction is just such a huge evil, not ony for the user, but to those who love them. You do what you can to deal with your feelings...no one can possibly know how it is for you and your personal situation.
I still wrestle with guilt on the odd occasion, but personally won't ever get back involved with my former SD. I have been very tempted at times, even still...almost three years later. While the relationship dynamic you and I deal with is different, you don't just stop loving someone because of the addiction and its resulting effects on you.
Big hugs!!
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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Very proud of you to openly talk about this (wink)
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Thanks, gr8dad. I am to the point that I am ok with everything in my life right now. It could be better and will be, but I am happy. :)
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
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Just glad you figured it out..sometimes it takes a little while to figure things out. BTDT.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.
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Empty Nesting
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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You are right, Spring. You still wanna make everything ok for them when they don't care enough about themselves to think anything is wrong.
Thanks, girl. I am continuing down my path and plan to make myself and my kids proud. :)
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Love sucks! lol Not really. It does have it's downsides but for the most part, love is a pretty amazing thing.
I think the thing that surprised me about gr8dad is that I deserved a talking-to. He didn't give it to me, he just listens and supports me. He is a good guy.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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My kids are the main reason I cut X off. I don't ever want my kids to go down the roads I went down with him. I know they will make mistakes, I would just like to at least give them a half-way decent role model.
Thanks for the hugs, girl. It is hard but not nearly as hard as I expected it to be. I realized I wasn't happy with him like I had convinced myself I was. I seee SS again until after he turns 18, if then, but that's a price I have to pay for self-preservation.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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