bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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First, I hope everyone reading had a good Thanksgiving. I'm sure for some people who look on this board, this might have been a day for thanks, but also, unfortunately, for a certain amount of grieving.
It was so good to hear from all of you -- Annie, BeachBabe, Karen, Debi, Nancy and Southerman. I think it would be nice to have some type of cyberconnection for the long term divorced and the aftermath. I do think that while divorce is devastating whatever the age, whatever the situation, etc, it is a bit different for those of us who spent most of our adult lives with someone and then find themselves basically alone. Grown children and family and friends are still there, but as mentioned by other posters, the dynamics have forever changed and if you are not the person who wanted out, your life changes are fraught with more uncertainty and certainly more confusion than others.
Saying that, I just wanted to add to Annie's and Karen's comments. The three of us were married, if I remember correctly, for very long times (over 25 years) and all of our children are now grown and living their own lives.
Similar to Annie, the beginning of the end of my marriage started in 2001. Some days it seems like yesterday this all happened. I look around at the other people in my life, and for many of them, life hasn't changed hardly at all. We're older but all of my married friends have remained so. I sometimes wonder what was wrong with "me" that I was the one with the failed marriage. I know it is counter-productive to see it that way, but one does wonder after awhile. This holiday and this past year, for many real reasons (mostly due to the fact that all of my children are now in committed relationships andmy ex-husband has already been remarried over five years)has been particularly difficult for me. I think it is the lack of hope that I am now experiencing. I used to believe in the theory that "If God closes a door, he opens a window." Well, for one thing, it wasn't God that closed the door! I haven't really changed my life at all. I actually think I act like a married woman, without any of the perks generaly associated with that status.
So, I guess all I really wanted to say was yet another thank you for those who wrote. Sometimes just knowing that others do feel like you do -- that you are not all that unusual-- feeling the broken aspects of your life, is some comfort in and of itself.
Time takes away some things; it adds others. I'm still wondering exactly what it is I'm supposed to be doing right now (and that might have been a quandry even if I had remained married). Raising a family takes a great deal of love, time and energy. I'm glad for what I had. I would like to think that the future holds something in store for me, but I feel fairly directionless (at least today!!).
I do strongly agree with Annie's comments about the "letting go" theory. I wasted a good number of years imagining that everything was going to work out in some magical way. Perhaps it is sometimes our own mind's way of protecting us from the assault that is levied when someone that you still love really demonstrates how one-sided that condition can be. I would say to all who have been "told" by their partners "adios," that they come to an earlier acceptance of that stark reality. The longer one waits for that acceptance, the longer it is to really recover and for those of us who are older, time is not actually our friend.
I'd like to end on a positive note since the above seems to be more bleak than what had intended. So, I guess the good news is that we are still here, life can change and we can make it happen if we continue to try, and that good friends and good dialogue are important avenues for everyone's life.
I wish you all a very good day. Take care,
Bacall
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Laner
newbie
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 44
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Hi Bacall - So good to hear from you. Just want to wish you very happy holidays though I know they are sometimes hard to get through.
Just an update first. I got married in August of this year. Never thought I would do that again but as they say never say never. Almost missed out on him but thank goodness I woke up and realized I had been looking at men who were the same kind of person my X was and I was missing out on someone special. How many times have we thought we would never want someone like that again but it can happen without realizing it. Once I changed my thinking I found a man who makes me feel treasured every day. He is a dream come true.
I know it is hard when your friends are still married and you are not but you don't live in their marriage either. They may have great marriages or not so great and are staying together for whatever reasons. The fact that you say you haven't changed your life makes me ask why not? What is holding you back? I've always suspected you have a lot to give others if you would just get out there and do it.
It sounds like you are doing more searching which means you haven't given up. I have followed you from way back when. I was married almost 32 years and divorced in 2001. I could very well be wrong but I think you are afraid to let go totally because then you feel you would have nothing. Even these negative feelings are better than nothing but I think you would find so much more out there if you did let go and took the chance. You so deserve to be happy Bacall but it's not going to come running and smack you in the face you do have to go out there and find it.
Boy I sound preachy and I don't mean to do that. I care about you and want to see you finally happy. May 2012 be your year for finding happiness!!!
All the best to you,
Laner
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Laner,
First, congratulations to the man who you said "yes" to in August. He is the fortunate one. I am so very glad for your newfound happiness.
Second, I had to laugh about the "preachy" comment. I never mind being preached to by someone I think cares -- it is the "other preachers" that I have a difficult time listening to since their words are generally false.
Yes, unfortunately, I actually hope you are right on all counts. I am afraid, I've concluded after these oh, so long and many years. I guess my perceptions and judgments were so wrong in so many different areas (all involving people), that it isn't so much that I don't trust others; I simply don't have any faith left in my own judgments. Does that make any sense?
I also agree with you -- yes, some marriages I see are not what I would call "great, or even good," but I do have to admire people who stick to a commitment and try to make things work. I have too many children and I invested, well, really, pretty much my whole being, into what turned out to be quite the disaster. I don't know if you see your ex-husband; I see mine irregularly but a few times a year -- always at family events. We are complete and utter strangers. It is still more than surreal that you could be married to someone for over thirty years and feel that not only don't you know him now, but did you ever really? This acknowledgement is proof enough for me to realize that I must not be the sharpest blade in the shed!
I hope you are right that I have something to offer somebody. I can't say honestly that I personally feel that way right now. But, as you say, things can change.
Thanks so much for writing. It was very good to hear from you and I will take your kind words to heart!
Take care- bacall
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Laner
newbie
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 44
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Sent you a PM. Hope you get it. It's been a while since I've done it.
Laner
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Laner,
I thought I sent you a PM, but it does not indicate in the "sent" area. Did you receive it?
Hope you are having a good day -- take care, bacall
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Laner
newbie
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 44
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Hi Bacall - No it must not have gone through. There is nothing there.
Laner
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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Bacall,
Although not directed at me, I appreciate your post. I just posted about a similar dilemma I'm having. Feeling this non-directional feeling. I was married 22 years when ex decieded he wanted someone else and walked away. With no argument, no discussion, explanation, pr apology. I am taotally capapble and am carrying on pyshically just fine. But find myself kind of in a state of ..something..not even sure what it is. I'm happy enough, glad I did divorce, glad with all of the recent decisions I've made, but still feel uprooted. I think alot of that , for me, comes from the no closure thing with my ex. He walked away and we never. never talked about it. that is hard for me- I just want him to express some guilt, or anger, or hell, even joy at the situation... something. I totally get the "he is a stranger" thing. I see him at the handoffs of our youngest child and he could be a total stranger standing in that parking lot... I do not talk to him, look at him, feel anything other than there is a human over there.
Oh well..just wanted to let you know i did appreciate that others have experienced the same feelings...I was thinking there was something wrong with the way I was reacting.
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