lizk0114
member
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 109
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I am done and have gone a little off the deep end. Tuesday SD was very rude and disrespectful, so I sent her to bed at 8 on the dot. (Her dad had to work late, didn't get home until 1 am). Yesterday she again was rude and disrespectful, it was raining and very cold here, she already has a sore throat, so I told her she could not go outside. She began to argue with me and even started to yell, I picked up the phone called her dad and told him that he needed to talk to his daughter, that she wouldn't listen to me, so maybe she will listen to you. She brought me the phone and shoved it at me and said very ugly that dad said for me to apologize to you. I said okay and she stomped of and went to her room. Never actually saying that she was sorry. My son was sitting there and he just looked at me and said, if that was me or my sister you would have killed us.
Later her dad came home and asked did she apologize, I told him that she just said that you told her to and she stomped off to her room. He called her in the room and told her the difference between saying you are sorry and just telling someone that someone told you to. She then said that she did say that she was sorry and that I just looked at her. H looked at me and asked did she, I said no. He said then, maybe you didn't hear her, I said no. SD then said that I was lying and that she did say it. I then went off the deep end. I told her that I was the adult and that she was lying and calling me a liar, and no one calls me a liar. I told her that until she tells me she is sorry for being disrespectful, lying and admitting that she lied to me and on me, that she can go to her room and wait for her dad to come home.
Now during all of this, my son was at church. I usually go and get him, but H asked if he could. I said sure, later I find out that he did so because he asked him what was said and what happened. I couldn't believe it, he first involved my child and also, didn't want me to go and get him (what in case I said something to him), I don't know I told him what to say? Unreal.
SD had been grounded from her TV for the week, he let her watch her TV yesterday, because she is going to be spending time in her room so this will help. I didn't say one word.
I am almost to the point that he can find someone else to take and pick her up from school. And when the get out of school for 2 weeks, he can find someone else to watch her, I am not. I am done, never have I had anyone basically call me a liar, over a child. He is an A$$hole.
Sorry I am venting and I know I sound so mean, but I am just so tired. I have nervous bumps all over me, and I haven't had them since I was a teenager. This is just getting to me and I cannot let it any longer.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30386
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"H looked at me and asked did she, I said no."
You just had your EQUAL partner in life question your word over that of an EIGHT year old. You and he need counseling, and you need it BAD. And it needs to be a dealbreaker, he goes, or you walk.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8148
Loc: This Asylum --->
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I think you need to calm down and have a reasonable discussion about your concerns with what went down with your spouse. It seems that your current course is set to ratchet things up and resolve nothing.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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I agree with both gr8dad and Maury...calm down, have a rational discussion and insist on counselling. Your husband needs to see that continuing in this direction will end your marriage. You need a mediator.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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lizk0114
member
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 109
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I have tried talking to him. He sees it his way and excuses her behavior, and when I said that it isn't her behavior that I am talking about it's yours, he gets defensive. I even give examples and ask him to put hisself in my shoes. What if he had told me my child called him a name and what if I beleived my child, how would you feel? His answer..it would have to happen first. He refuses to see. I told him last night that I was not going to be able to live like this. He told me that I needed to make up my mind. I asked could he, if one of my kids constantly disobeyed, broke his things, stole from him, lied on him...could he live like that. He said no and I told him that there was his answer, no I could not.
I don't let these things happen and not try to talk to him, I do. But I am talking to a brick wall. He sat there and did nothing, later allowed her to watch TV that was suppose to be taken from her until Friday. He rewarded her for lying and in my eyes calling me a liar. So, yeah....I am absolutely 100% done with it. If I have so little respect in my home, then he can find someone else to watch her, but the sad thing is, no one wants to. But, not my problem.
I lived 15 yrs in an abusive and controlling relationship, and I am not going to waste one minute more in another relationship without respect and being an equal. And I'll be damned if he drags my kids into it. My son came to me later and asked what was going on, that is how I found out that he questioned my son, a 12 yr old. And the thing is, my son told him word for word what I did, yet still not good enough. I told H that he better not EVER drag my kids into this again. Because now my 12 yr old feels like he didn't even believe him. I had to explain away H's bad behavior to a 12 yr old, trying to do so without making H look bad. It wasn't any of my son's business. I am sorry, I am ranting again and going on and on. Sorry.... :-(
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lizk0114
member
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 109
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Spring, he will not go. I even suggested my pastor, but he feels like he would be bias.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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You can rant away all you want :o)
It doesn't sound like your H is willing to try anything but his way. He is not doing anyone any favors by not backing you up...and as you are experiencing, it continues to get worse....and I have seen some pretty ugly stuff. You have a responsibility to your kids, and to you. If he is not willing to try, then my thoughts are your choice is pretty clear. Take care of you...and don't let this beat you down.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20193
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"I am absolutely 100% done with it."
Well, there is your answer.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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Your story, I am embarrassed to admit, reminds me of my H when SD was about the same age. I really don't know how I got the years I have, BUT we did not have SD FT... We had her EOWeekend and extended periods of visitation over the summer and holidays. By the time SD got the rules at our home and I felt like we were making leeway she had to go back to her Mom's. Starting all over again next time.
When SD came to live with us FT...she had some major issues with me. Mainly because she couldn't pull the wool over my eyes and THAT got to her. It probably took 9 months or so...NOW we are fine because we do respect one another. I try hard not to re-live the past with SD and she tries hard and no longer expects me to be someone I'm not. Her Mom was very naive and she got away with a lot, with me that just will not happen. I tell my kids that I am one of the smartest people they will ever meet. I know most of what they are thinking of doing before they do, so BEWARE! ;)
Anyway I understand how your H makes you feel. I understand how him talking to your son and believing his daughter can make you feel like there is NO hope. Problem is if this continues you will start to resent your SD- and that isn't fair to her.
I do think that you need to step back and maybe make a list of all the things that are bugging you. You need to bring this list to your counseling appointment. Your SD and your H, regardless of whether you end the marriage, will be a constant in your baby boy's life. Even if the end of the marriage is prevalent, I still think counseling for all of you is in order. You and your H will have to co-parent your baby.
From my own experience if SD isn't watching TV then she needs something else to do. Give her a room to organize, maybe even the pantry? Pick up sticks outside? Something because she will be stewing in her anger for YOU and I don't think that is healthy considering how she has been behaving lately.
Also make sure that when your SD is punished that she is reminded that she is still LOVED.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I don't let these things happen and not try to talk to him, I do. But I am talking to a brick wall. He sat there and did nothing, later allowed her to watch TV that was suppose to be taken from her until Friday. He rewarded her for lying and in my eyes calling me a liar. So, yeah....I am absolutely 100% done with it. If I have so little respect in my home, then he can find someone else to watch her, but the sad thing is, no one wants to. But, not my problem.
I lived 15 yrs in an abusive and controlling relationship, and I am not going to waste one minute more in another relationship without respect and being an equal. And I'll be damned if he drags my kids into it. My son came to me later and asked what was going on, that is how I found out that he questioned my son, a 12 yr old. And the thing is, my son told him word for word what I did, yet still not good enough. I told H that he better not EVER drag my kids into this again. Because now my 12 yr old feels like he didn't even believe him. I had to explain away H's bad behavior to a 12 yr old, trying to do so without making H look bad. It wasn't any of my son's business. I am sorry, I am ranting again and going on and on. Sorry.... :-(
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Sorry. If you feel you have to get out then do what is best for you and the kids. I do hope that your H sees that counseling is needed and keeps your SD's doctor appointment.
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lizk0114
member
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 109
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I am sorry too. I love my H and I love SD too. And this is going to hurt for some time, but I feel right now it is my only option. I have tried and I hope he keeps her appointment too, SD needs help and the one person that should step up and give it to her is failing her.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Once you are unhappy, everything adds up to help make you more so. I wish things were different for you, but this is your reality and most likely, it isn't going to change. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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Run, don't walk away from this situation. I apologize for not seeing there is more to this story. I don't usually take the time to read everything, so I jumped in with my comments without thought. Time for you to get the heck out of dodge. Your H will never change. He is siding with an 8 year old? No way, I'd get out fast.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3158
Loc: SC
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Liz, I'm sorry you're going through this. I may not have had a child with my SO, but the grief over my similar situation was still intense. Your H and his daughter need to find a new place to live sooner rather than later, and with any luck, having to deal with her full-time will open his eyes.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Liz,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately you can't force someone to change who is not willing to. I don't know if you are serious about separating because sometimes we are so mad we can't focus on anything but getting out and later reconsider. Let me just say that i hope you will stick to your guns about not caring for her during the holidays or picking her up from school. If she and your H are both going to be disrespectful then they need to know you won't be going out of your way for them. If you, the person who cares for her the most, can't be treated like a parent, and you are more of a parent than either of her bio-parents, then you certainly shouldn't have to put up with the crap.
I haven't been able to read oll of the posts but it sounds like BM isn't very involved. That is NOT your fault, and it doesn't get the kid off the hook or mean she can walk all over everyone and behave like a heathen. If your H is willing to create a monster then he should deal with it.
Personally I think that even if your H won't go you should get counseling before making a final decision on whether to leave or not. While my gut is saying "turn and walk away NOW" I also have a little voice telling me that you will be leaving your baby with this kid and a dad who doesn't believe what she's capable of when he has parenting time. it's a tough position to be in.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19893
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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I ....... have gone a little off the deep end.
---> Yes you have. You had received some excellent suggestions on how to handle the issue...then you went off and shot first and asked questions later and now you're in a bigger mess that you were the night before. Word of advice...the ONLY way to get out of a hole is to QUIT FREAKING DIGGING!!!
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Debbie_L
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
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Sometimes you just have to get out. I honestly don't see this situation improving. He's never going to change.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Be careful before you make a decision to divorce. Remember that you do have a baby together. He will get 50/50 custody most likely.
While staying together for the kids isn't necessarily the way to go, why don't you take a breather before you do something you might regret.
Get into counseling for yourself.
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lizk0114
member
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 109
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Thanks everyone...and yes I have an appointment today with a counselor. She is a christian counselor and deals with family issues. H told me that if it meant saving our marriage that he would go, but I think I want to meet with her today by myself.
He came in yesterday and made his SD apologize for being disrespectful and for lying. He told her that he believes me and that he knows she is lying. He told SD that the lying was going to stop and told her that she would have to scrub the floors if she lied again.
I must say that I was surprised. I really don't know what made him do this, I thanked him for standing behind me. My mom feels like it was a little late and much to after the fact, and she may be right. But, it was a huge step for him and he tried. That is at least something.
We will see, and I will still take her to school, however her grandmother is going to take her during school break.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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You are the one who makes the decision of what is too late as you are the only one who knows how much you can take from these two. I hope he is actually seeing that she is not the angel he acts like she is, for all of your sakes.
Deciding to seperate is a serious decision, I agree with SRS. If this is the point you are at, step back, take a breather and go from there.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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