Sadie
addict
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 567
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Char, responding to your first post, this is how both hubby and the grooms parents feel. He does not approve, and feels that by going it is sending mixed messages. This is a hill he is willing to die on.
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RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
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As a daughter, I would have it in me to forgive my Dad. This wouldn't be a parent/child dealbreaker for me, although I have a very unusually forgiving heart, and weddings to me are such a waste of time and money and energy anyway. Especially when you are that young, have no good education or jobs, and are not thinking with a clear head, and wanting to spend inordinate amounts of money on a wedding that nobody approves of. If he felt that strongly against it, and I felt strongly for it, well then I guess I got my passion and hard headedness from him. :) There was a life before the "special day" and for me there will still be a life afterwards which would definitely include my Dad if he would allow it. Life sucks sometimes...oh well. This happened in our family with my brother and his daughter. They are hunky dory today (and the marriage ended within a year).
ETA: My drama queen meter reads zero though...so that may help. :)
Edited by RJ1 (12/20/11 07:07 PM)
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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You have had your mind made up for a long while now, and your heels are dug in deep. I'm not sure why you continue to post about it.
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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[quote]This is a hill he is willing to die on. [/quote]
Rarely do your children become what you've dreamed of for them. You love them anyway. You be that soft place to fall for them. If only we could save them from almost certain pitfalls, but we can't. If I didn't want my child to marry and they were going to anyway??? I wouldn't miss it for the world. I also wouldn't ever say I told you so if it failed. These kids are going to be the parents of your grand kids, I sure wouldn't want to miss out on my grands!
But, this is you guys' hill, die on it if you want.
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Sadie
addict
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 567
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SL
First, last time I checked this was a public board and I dont need your permission to post. Second, I was just showing the board members that we are not the only ones who feel this way.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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I agree. But...I don't think Sadie or her husband cares about how the daughter will feel. They don't seem to care much for her at all. So sad
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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It is sad.. I truly feel for the girl on this particular issue at least. BTDT.. It's a HORRIBLE feeling :( Hopefully she and her future husband will go the distance, have a happy, loving marriage and prove both sets of parents dead wrong. If I were into prayer? I'd pray for that with all my heart!
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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At 17-18 the girl does not have the mental capacity to think this through. She is in the throes of passion and dreams and plans and probably a good helping of assistance from her mother and her family and reality TV shows.
If Sadie and her husband AND the boy's parents do not support this marriage because they feel these 2 are too young and impulsive and it will end in a divorce then this is their stand.
I did not support my daughter getting pregnant right out of high school and moving in with the moocher. I knew the writing on the wall screamed "Done in 2 yrs!" and she was.
I helped her out a little financially so she had enough to pay her child's copay but when she told me they were planning on getting married I refused to have a part to play in it. She hinted that her father and stepfather and I were 'supposed' to fund this little Emo Dramafest. The 3 of us were determined not to endorse it in any way because we did not believe that this marriage ...
well put it this way. It would be exhibit A in the High Drama Court for "How to make a mockery of marriage".
Just because your child chooses to do something stupid doesn't mean you HAVE to endorse it or support it or even turn up. I wouldn't. See, the other parents are against this as well not to mention the price tag for this "Say Yes To The Dress/Real Housewives...../My Big Fat Gypsey Wedding" compilation.
IF this marriage lasts the ride, well and good. The reasons for marrying are not very clear but the pricetag is. If this was REALLY the One and Only person for her then the big wedding would not even be considered. She would marry him in front of a judge in her best Sunday dress.
No one is owed Their Day. The high drama is all driven by a consumer society. Have Have Have. I want I want I want.
It makes me sad that being a Princess For a Day and the centre of attention is more important than stepping into your new life as a wife.
Sadie, if your DH is talking to his daughter he should broach the subject of premarital counselling and them saving for their future. He should ask her the hard questions.... they should both have life insurance policies to protect the spouse left behind. What happens if they get pregnant and the child is born with a birth defect? What happens if one of them loses their job? Is she willing to travel across country or to another country if this is what is needed for her husband to keep his job? Is he willing to do the same thing? IS she willing to move away from her friends and family to a town where they know no one because this is the only place with a job? What happens if they get evicted from their apartment? Does she know how to arrange to get the phone connected, power connected? How do they plan to get an excellent credit score? Does she know what her credit score is? All this stuff are things people willing to live their life together need to know. Are they prepared to pay for their own health insurance? Married people do not rely on others to support them including health insurance. I don't even think you can cover a married child on your insurance.
If she is determined to make this momentous step she should be prepared to no longer rely on relatives to prop them up but to stand on their own 2 feet.
It really sounds like the Day is the primary focus and not the next day and the day after that.....
The one good thing si they do not want to get married until after graduating high school. This is some months off yet and they may well drift apart.
This being said, my nephew has had the same girlfriend since he and she were 14. He is now 20 and they are marrying next April. 6 years together. Do they have all the answers? Probably not and neither do I endorse their rather large wedding esp. as they have been living together for the past 2 years. But they have left high school 3 years ago and are both working and saving for a house. They are also funding the majority of their wedding themselves.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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I understand what you're saying; however, I said it before and I will say it again.. not having your parents AT your wedding (let's take the PAYING for it off the table), SUCKS. Approve, disapprove, whatever, but it's your CHILD and whether the "wrong" thing to do, it's still a big event in their lives.
"What if" the parents are wrong? "What if" there is only ONE wedding in the girl's lifetime?
It's just a sucky thing to do. It's possible to not "agree" with a decision and not "support" it per se, but still.. support the PERSON. I absolutely think the attitude is crappy crappy CRAPPY and again, it's that attitude by the parents? That likely is DRIVING HER TO the relationship in the first place.
Just sayin'...
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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Nope, you don't need my permission to post. You just seem so gleeful about it. Enjoy your vacation with the groom's parents, if you choose that route.
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