VicHam8
recently joined
Reged: 12/23/11
Posts: 4
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Hi Everyone,
About 10 days ago, my wife of 11 years told me she didn’t know if she wanted to be married to me anymore. She told me that she’s got a lot of unresolved issues she needs to deal with, and that she doesn’t know if she is what I truly need to be happy. Some of this doesn’t come as a surprise, as we’ve talked about her personal issues many times and I’ve recognized the impact they’ve had on her emotionally, and on our relationship in general. I haven’t received any real heart-felt physical intimacy in a very, very long time, and the emotional intimacy has suffered as well (of course). She’s always been a bit melancholy, “the glass is half-full” kind of person, while I’m the opposite (though I’m no cockeyed optimist).
While I’m thrilled that she is finally ready to confront these issues, I’m very upset that she doesn’t know if I’ll have a place in her future once she gets to a point where she is able to put these issues in their proper place. I’ve been her strongest supporter since we met in 1992, and now I’m being told there may not be a place for me (romantically) after she begins to get her life in order.
So, right now I’m just trying to find my way through this and maintain an optimistic outlook. I’m stumbling from one emotional state to another, but am trying to keep things as normal as possible for the sake of our 7-year old daughter. We are amicable through all this- there has been no physical separation, and we’ve talked many times about our future. In my more angry states I want to storm out of the house and just move on with my life because I’m tired of the uncertainty, pain, and distress that have been so much a part of our relationship for so long. When I’m less upset I want to pull her close to me and tell her I’ll help her in whatever way I can if there is a chance we can continue to be together. It’s my thought the most rational approach exists somewhere in the middle
Has anyone been through something similar and if so, how were you able to compartmentalize your emotions from your day-to-day existence? Any advice is appreciated. I'm doing my best to remain philisophical and maintain perspective, but any additional thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks…
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Sorry that you are going through this emotional upheaval.
Many of us on these boards have experienced what you are facing and the paths we choose are certainly varied.
When one partner tells you they want out, its usually a wakeup call and a scramble to try and figure out how to save the marriage and reach a better place if thats possible. Your statement that "When I’m less upset I want to pull her close to me and tell her I’ll help her in whatever way I can if there is a chance we can continue to be together..." is usually the first reaction.
That will work if she is still interested in trying to save the relationship, and the standard approach is usually counseling, self help books, church, support groups and doing all that to see if the relationship can be taken apart, readjusted and move forward.
Hopefully that will work if not then the next move is that the relationship doesn't get better and the inevitable divorce may happen.
You may want to see if she is interested in counseling where you can take your lives apart and see if there is hope for the marriage and your lives together. Hopefully that will be a positive option and can work for both of you.
Try your best to save the marriage and see how that goes.
Its a delicate situation because the emotional upheaval that everyone is going through is very tough and as you post uncertainity and the ups and downs of the roller coaster ride of the day to day life.
Taking care of yourself emotionally is important for you, her and your daughter. Its hard because the elephant in the living room is that she told you she doesn't want to be married and once thats out there, it sits there right in your face.
About the only advice I can offer is do your best every day, try to save the marriage, see if the love and forever with this person is still there. I think from my limited experience is that we have to follow our gut instincts...is it worth it? Are both of you really comitted to saving the marriage, are the obtacles able to be worked out and can you both work on it and make the marriage stronger for recognzing how close you are to a separation. Is that really what she wants when she sits down and truly thinks about it? Sometimes people think separating will make it all better and in some cases maybe so, but in some, maybe not. Only the two of you will know that.
It might help if you consider counseling for yourself if that is an option.
What I do believe is that you can't change the way another person feels, if she has stated she wants out and has made that decision, then its usually very hard to change that path. Happiness with our lives comes from within, certainly our partners play into that but at the end of the day, its ourselves and how we view the world and who is in it and how we react to that person which is what makes it work or not.
Underlying unhappiness sometimes can't be fixed and if that is the outcome, then both partners need to realize that and work hard to put the relationship to that level where they may not be together and then work very hard, since a child is involved to make it work to the best extent possible.
Hurt feelings, sadness, anger, betrayal, all the gamut of emotions surface and they are hard to deal with but recognizing how to cope with them and learning the skills can help. Most of us do not have the skills to do this so thats why outside professional help can mediate what is so hard to do.
I dont know if this helps but I hope so. I still remember the day my LTM ended, my X told me he didn't love me anymore...I did just about all I could do to save the marriage but in the end it was over. He had already decided and his statement was that he had moved on.
I hope that is not in your situation.
Good luck and keep posting here, everyone here, most anyway, can offer up so many insights and support.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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I agree with Annie...we've both been down the same path before and know from experience that partners who want to leave usually have already made up their mind about it, but lack the courage to do it without giving you mixed signals that they think will soften the blow.
I hope your wife is already in counseling, as this is too big an issue to leave to herself to figure out. And it sounds like her unresolved problems are even bigger.
It's very hard to deal with more than one issue at a time. I don't wonder that she has been putting you off, but now that she's come up with the idea of divorcing, your relationship is not on "hold" anymore. It's in crisis.
I would start with counseling, either by yourself or jointly. If she's seeing a therapist, perhaps they would consider working with you as a couple.
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VicHam8
recently joined
Reged: 12/23/11
Posts: 4
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Nancy and Annie,
…and that’s the problem- I just can’t tell if she’s really interested in trying to save the relationship. She is in counseling for her own issues, and she says the best case scenario is for us to remain together as a family, but I’ve seen no interest or action on her part to work on “us”…except through trying to solve her own issues which have become a obstacle to happiness in our marriage. My gut is telling me she really isn’t interested in working it out, but is marking time until I get sick of the nonsense and pull the plug myself…
The only counseling she is interested in is counseling for her to solve her issues. She doesn’t appear to be interested in counseling as a couple. I hate to use the word “normal” in a situation such as this, but is it normal for each person in a marriage to go to their own counselor’s to try and save their marriage?
At this moment, I’m so mad that there are only two people who I’m concerned about taking care of emotionally; me and my daughter. I know that isn’t very chivalrous, but if she is going to insist in cutting me out of her life except to pay the bills, offer advice on how to write a resume, and discuss the unseasonably warm weather I’m not sure how much I can put into her emotionally.
Everyday that goes by without any input from her towards keeping us together makes me think it is over...then she has the nerve to ask me where my anger is coming from and why I'm so upset...which just makes me even more upset...
I definitely need to find a counselor for myself
Thanks Annie and Nancy
Edited by VicHam8 (01/06/12 07:52 PM)
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I feel for you and hope you do seek counseling.
It will be tough for you. From your post it is presented that you are in a marriage where your wife has checked out, there is no you and her anymore, just living in the same space, together but apart emotionally, physically and romantically.
Having a 7yr old and wanting the best interests for her is paramount in this equation.
But at the end of the day in your gut you need to figure it out...yes you can stay and keep this going and die a little more each day as things don't change or you can figure out a plan to either fix it or get out.
If you wife is not totally comitted to working on saving the marriage and her life with you then to me, its over and no matter what you do it just will not change.
Try and save the marriage, your relationship with your wife, do whatever you can and give it your all but recognize that there may be nothing you can do.
So what is really left after all that? You try to save it, it either works or it doesn't. If the situation doesn't improve then one of you needs to make a decision as to what the course of action is.
Divorce? If thats the outcome then setting your differences aside, the mutual agreement is to make it as good as possible for your daughter. It is so much easier to say it then do it. Divorce most times is filled with anger, fighting and legal battles especially when it comes down to the stuff acquired during the marriage. Both tend to lose sight of the real goal which should be a common understanding that its over and lets do this rationally and healthy for our child.
I am all for saving marriages but when its over its over. None of us, either you or your wife deserve to be in a relationship that is stagnant and dead. Life is just too short for that. I know that sounds selfish but if both of you try, and I mean really try to save the marriage and it doesn't work, then a new approach which may be divorce is what needs to be done.
Sometimes the partner who is unhappy is so overwhelmed by their unhappiness that they can't see how their behaviour is affecting everyone around them. They are so self absorbed that they dont get it...an experienced counselor can help work through that and help a couple get back on a level where a marriage can be saved. Finding that type of counselor is hard but there are some out there.
I hope that you and your wife can work through this but if not then you will need to figure out what to do and that is very hard.
Good luck.
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VicHam8
recently joined
Reged: 12/23/11
Posts: 4
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Hi Annie7676,
I know you are right. I’ve offered the same advice to friends and family that have gone through similar experiences. In absence of compelling evidence to the contrary, I’m slowly (and sadly) getting used to the idea that divorce is on the horizon, and I’ve started compiling information on custody, apartments, storage units for personal belongings, etc., so I can be prepared if this comes to pass. It may sound like I’m throwing in the towel or setting the least favorable outcome in motion by taking this action, but I can’t think of any other way I can reclaim some level of control over my life.
My spouse does not appear to have any interest in attending co-counseling, but is focused on working through her own issues with her own counselor. As you stated, she is very self-absorbed right now, and is “…so overwhelmed with her unhappiness…” that she can’t see how it is affecting everyone around them. However, as long as I don’t press anything, our relationship remains amiable…but ambiguity and I don’t get along very well- rather than living with it, I tend to come up with alternative approaches to mitigate it’s effects.
One obstacle I’m dealing with is getting used to the idea of just going out and socializing. I’m a pretty outgoing person, but generally only in specific social situations such as get-togethers with family and friends, company related events, etc. A single friend of mine told me to give him a call so we can go to one of his local pubs and hang out. I can handle myself in these situations okay, but what I know is going to happen is that in my mind I will dwell on why I’m there in the first place. I’m used to being at home with my family which, except on the very rare occasion, is where I prefer to spend my time when I’m not at work.
Thanks for all the good advice Annie…
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voltage
recently joined
Reged: 07/29/11
Posts: 10
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Yes it does sound like your throwing in the towel. She sounds like she is trying to work her issues out. So I believe its your responsibility to hang in there. In case you don't remember til death do you part, (but we are not happy) for better or worse. The kids have to come first. The statistics show that children are best off in a stable traditional home, even if there parents are not "happy". Don't get me wrong physical abuse or adultery is a different story. They always say you have to happy with yourself, well work on that. If there is a .0001 percent chance at a saved marriage it's worth it.
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mamasmurf
recently joined
Reged: 01/15/12
Posts: 1
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Hi everyone, I am posting here because no other link seems active in this board. I too feel like many here do, my husband of 14 years is always "dealing with his own issues" and doesn't ever want to deal with ours. Our marriage has never been good. But of course, hindsight is 20/20. Now we have 2 beautiful boys, age 9 and 5. One year ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay, swore up and down he would get counseling etc....Guess what? We went to 2 sessions. 2!!!
One year later, still feel like my marriage is an awful place to be. Is it naive for me to think I want love, trust and respect? I know I have none.
And of course my children are my top priority. I just need someone to talk to please.
I have asked my husband several times to move out of our home, and he won't. So I think I need to take the boys and find a new home. Why does he make this so hard? My boys will be crushed that they have to leave their home.....
At the same time I feel like such a loser to be in this situation, how did I let this happen?
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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Why would they need to leave?
You are the one that wants out....so get out.
The kids simply stay in the family home with dad.
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MommaK
recently joined
Reged: 06/11/12
Posts: 6
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Is it possible to fix things when you're the only one trying? 23 years is hard to just throw away. We've both made mistakes, but he only sees mine.
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