NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Tonight marks my 15th year since my divorce. Getting divorced on New Year's Eve might seem really cool...a new beginning and all that. But it makes it very hard to forget the divorce date. In fact, I have a harder time remembering my former wedding anniversary than this date, lol.
After a decade of stability, the last few years have been very tumultuous for me. I trained for and finished a half-marathon, then eight months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two years ago my father, who I lived with, passed away and I had to leave the family home so it could be sold (still in renovations).
I bought my own townhouse almost a year ago, and things have started to settle down again. I'm hoping for at least another decade of stability, but work may be the new challenge in my life.
My company is going through internal changes that may impact on my employment, at the worst, and the way/things I work on at the least. I'm not too old to learn new things, but I am rather tired of this having gone through this a few times already. It makes me think of retiring early.
None of this recent stuff has any impact on me as a divorcee, per se. And that's what I want to bring up and point out...life does go on, and it has nothing to do with our marriage status. We grow older, we work or change jobs, we move, we meet new people. We might have to keep some contact with our exes, but at some point it becomes minimal—and that's FREEDOM!
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voltage
recently joined
Reged: 07/29/11
Posts: 10
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Sounds great, but through it all if you could of worked it out it would be the best thing for everyone. Unless you want to be alone. These posts are so selfish, The grass is always greener, away from a problem. Do you people realize the epidemic you people start. If a spouse leaves the toilet seat up, leave them. I believe adultery or physical abuse is the only grounds for divorce. People change, give me break. All people change, so every one has the right to divorce. We need to stop this cycle, for my children's sake.
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Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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Voltage, You've got to be kidding with your post. It sure sounds like a joke to me.
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
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Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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Thanks for your update, Nancy. Life does go on. It's nice when we reach the point that we're no longer tied to our marital status.
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
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voltage
recently joined
Reged: 07/29/11
Posts: 10
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Trying to save a marriage at all cost is not a joke to me.
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Heather
recently joined
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 21
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NancyD: I guess its been 12 years since my divorce and I have been reading your comforting, sane words all this time. I never was much of a contributor, but was a devoted follower of this site.
My daughter went off to college and is home for the holidays after her first -- successful, sociable, scholarly -- semester.
Some things never change. Now that she is 18, I no longer receive the child support, but I suggested that she ask her dad to continue that amount (not very much -- he "retired" at 54) for her books and expenses, and what's left over, she could save for years 3 & 4. I pay (or rather her deceased grandmother) pays tuition & room/board + she earned scholarships. Since she went off to school, I've been sending her the checks directly. December was the first month he was to give her the money, which he had told her he would do. (We haven't spoken a word in 10 years) Of course, no check. Finally, when she asks him, he says, "what do you need the money for?" Daughter says to me, am I going to have to go through this every month? We are not surprised. As my mom said, "the man lacks character."
I am still working, teaching h.s., looking forward to retiring in a couple of years. In the meantime, glad to have a job in this economy, and at this age. I'm getting used to being teenager-free . . . when college-girl is here, she's out and about. Another parenting transition.
I hope you'll continue to drop-in comments on this board. Happy New Year. . . it sounds like you have a good outlook on the big changes in these past years, and are enjoying a textured, rich life. -- Heather
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Well my "never to be forgotten' anniversary regarding my ex is 1/2/00. No dear people, there was no Y2K bug but a wildhair idea that got into the minds of a number of men I have heard of who felt it neccessary to start the new millenium unencumbered by their wives and families.
Fast forward 12 years and I am divorced and remarried and relocated to the USA. I have 4 grandchildren and the proud mother of a serving member of the US Army. Yes, legal residents CAN serve in the military.
My ex visited our city last year to meet his son-in-law and 2 grandchildren. He found out what he had been missing all along. Family. His family. For my children's sake I hope he continues to maintain contact with them.
I am sure he has regrets. He actually told my daughter if he had his way he would relocate to our city if he could. Unfortunatley (for him) his new wife would not like the propect of moving.
I am not defined any longer by my marital status. At one time being 'divorced' was equal to being a village pariah. I cringed at the title. But now, sadly it happens whether through the fault of one or two.
Actually, being 'Grandma Mum" is a lot more fun and seeing the world through my grandchildren's eyes is wonderful. Who knew there is such a thing as 'scratchy clouds'?
Take heart, there is life at the end of this dark tunnel. With any luck you will reunite with your spouses older and wiser. Sadly some of you won't and your life will eventually regain its own balance. And you may just be surprised at where your world takes you.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Ah, Kiwi Girl -- how much coincidence is there in life? I remember many "tough love" comments you had made to me in the past, and I am sorely in need of some of "that" today. So, it was particularly fortituous that you posted on this board recently and I can address this to you.
Due to a number of factors (all not within my control)my "past" life has been triggered quite a bit since the beginning of this new year. Keep in mind that this has got to be the year when I start making some changes albeit big or small because there is no comfort in the uncomfortableness that I have been existing in for the last several years.
I address this to you Kiwi because you were always forthright and honest and I valued your opinions even if they smarted a bit -- actually that is when I knew how right on the money you were!
I am just going through a very sad period right now where I look behind, look at the present and look to the future and say - really, is this all there is? I seem to have lost the threads of hope that I believed in even after the divorce and just wonder what is it that I should do next (now)?
I like you, love (adore) being a grandmother. But, like many of my friends, I know that position is wonderful but it is not about "me." I love being with my children and grandchildren, but at the end of the day / night, I am alone with myself and I tired of that feeling and this reality.
So, I need a jumpstart for this year. Any practical (and magical would be appreciated) suggestions?
Very glad to read your posts and all the other old-timers -- can't say enough about how this board kept my sanity for a couple of years when the going was really tough!
Take care and happy new year - Bacall
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Bacall,
I'm not nearly at Kiwi's calibre but I'll try to give you a jump start!
Yes that is "all there is " to the future if that's what you choose. If you want to find you then you need to look someplace other than inside your own head. Take classes in something that interests you. I'm not sure how big of a town or city you live in but near me there is a singles club. It is not focused on dating at all. AS a matter of fact they discourage dating among the group, but rather it's a group of single people who go out to dinner or to movies or plays. A lot of it is dependant on your age group. There are several different age groups from 20's to retirement age. Maybe there
is something like that near you.
Bacall, the future is going to be what YOU make it. No amount of pep talking in the world is going to change things if YOU don't. It's a great thing to be so focused on family and you have been ever since you started posting, but you're right "they" are not who "you" are.
Make a resolution to try one new thing a month until you find the things that are you!
Hopefully you'll get a better post from Kiwi, but just in case not I didn't want to leave you hanging. :o)
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Hi dear friends
Its a little over a 11 yrs since my X from a LTM said he needed to leave to find himself...it wasn't until two years ago that I found out that he had been having a 4 yr affair with the woman he is now married to. My reaction when I found out was laughter and the comment do I have sucker written on my head.
The divorce was hard and very sad and I thank each and everyone of you for helping me through that very sad time.
Life now is good, or should I say great. My life is like being a teenager without parents. It took me 6 yrs to be able to venture out and figure out who, what and where I wanted to be.
Yes I met a SO and we have been going good for almost 6 yrs. We dont live close so its a 100 mile away relationship and maybe thats why it works so well.
What the divorce left me with is an independent woman who is blessed with a family, friends and a life that is very content for me. While I have a SO in my life, if that ended I would be fine.
I am very happy for all my friends who are in good marriages and very many of them are. But...then there are those that are not...they stay for whatever the reasons are in marriages or relationships that are not doing so well. I dont have any answers for them, the usual paths to help counseling, etc etc could maybe help them, all I can say is that I am so relieved that I am not involved in that.
As for my X he is married and I do meet them occasionally and find that I really dont have much emotion at all, I am friendly and talk to him, to his wife and thats about it. His choice to leave did splinter the relationship he had/has with our sons. The new wife has a son who is the same age as our youngest and he is the the favorite at least in our sons eyes. That is unsettling to me and a situation that could make me angry if I let it but its not in my control and at the end of the day, it is something my X will have to deal with. Family is family, whether divorced or not and each child should be treated equally.
I believe in happy ever after..even after all divorce puts us threw...my SO tells me I want Disney and yes I do.
I am not always successful but I try to see my world and those in it with a positive approach, and count what blessings I have not what I lost. I am fortunate that I have a good job, my health and the means to do what I wish to do and at times that can be very uplifting. In a way its selfish because I can pretty much as a single woman do whatever I want and not be constrained by anyone else.
I dont have much to offer for those who still have suffering from a marriage ending. I have experienced that and know that it is a huge adjustment, broken dreams, splintered families and feeling alone. Only we can change that perspective. I think I read somewhere that we can hunker down within ourselves to view the world with sadness and fill that void up with self pity, depression, sad things or work to fill it up with flowers, sunshine, happy things (there is my disney coming out)..its hard I know and easier to say than do...but life can be so much better getting up each day and trying to be uplifting and putting on a smile and focusing on that moment than rather what isnt' or what was lost.
Are there still issues in my life that are unsettling? Yes, there are but again trying to just go along works for me and to repeat that trite saying it is what it is. But we can change our view of the world...so thats my story.
I hope that 2012 is a wonderful year for each and every person on these boards. That each of us are able to fulfill our dreams, meet or set new goals and be happy in our lives.
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