onmyown5
recently joined
Reged: 10/12/11
Posts: 3
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I moved out with my 1 1/2 year old daughter 3 months ago and am preparing to file for divorce now (in California). Before moving out my husband spent very little time with our daughter. After we moved out he has seen her most days, averaging about 2 hours a day (more on weekends, less on weekdays). I have basically let him see her all the time he has requested. Yesterday I told him that I think we should file for divorce and he now wants her for overnights, and wants to take her out of state for 3-4 days. My personal opinion is that the consistency of her nights is really important at this young age, not to mention that he works from home starting early in the morning and doesn't have time for her then anyway. But I realize that it's not up to me to decide what is best. So my questions are...
1. What is typical custody arrangements for a girl under the age of two who has always been with Mom for her nights?
2. When do overnights with Dad usually start? Immediately?
3. At what age would a 50/50 arrangement tend to be put in effect? I've heard there will often be a graduated approach, but have no idea if that's over 1 year, or 10 years, or what.
4. Should Dad be allowed to take her across the country for about 3 days? That seems like it would be really scary for her.
5. In general, are the courts (and mediation) focused on what's best for the child, or on giving 50/50 regardless? I realize in many cases 50/50 may be what's best, but I don't always believe that's true from the child's perspective.
I really appreciate hearing your thoughts!
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garnet
journeyman
Reged: 01/02/08
Posts: 51
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I can't speak to your first three questions because my dd was almost 4 when her father and I separated, so I have no personal experience with what is considered standard for a younger child. The focus of the courts is always on what is in the best interests of the child. That said, there is generally a presumption that 50/50 is in the best interests of the child; that a child is best served by having two loving, equally involved parents. If the father wants that kind of arrangement, you are going to have to prove that there is a reason why that should not be the case. It sounds like you are already agreeing to ex spending time with the child on a daily basis, so there must be some comfort and level of trust.
On the subject of a cross country trip, again, unless there is a reason why this would be harmful, why wouldn't you agree to it? I know you wrote that you think it will be scary for the child, but the truth is that it is probably scary for you. As divorced parents, we need to let go of some of those fears and be willing to let the other parent be a parent on their own terms as long as it is reasonable.
I hope this was helpful. Good luck to you.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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The "no overnights for children under three" was based on the "tender years doctrine" which has been disproven for over a decade. He did the work up, seeing the child for increasingly longer periods of time. It's time for overnights, you will lose in court if you fight it.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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50/50 custody is normal in my area.
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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Just out of curiosity, what if the child is 1 month old and nursing. 50/50 and Overnights?
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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You can pump breastmilk - I did and sent it to Dad's house.
ETA: Also, Dad can choose to use formula while Mom does breastfeeding. She can build her stock of frozen breastmilk while her child isn't with her.
Edited by SRS (01/02/12 06:53 PM)
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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Good to know. Thx
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CAFamilyLaw44
recently joined
Reged: 03/15/11
Posts: 18
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Hi OnMyOwn5,
I am so sorry to hear about your divorce.
The other members of the forum are correct in what they say regarding how the courts will divide custody - i.e. judges normally opt for 50/50 split in time between each parent if both are proven to be fit to raise the child (or children).
In terms of your question about your husband going across the country with your child, he is actually NOT allowed to do this while your California divorce proceedings are still going on. In other words, when you sign your paperwork you are both agreeing to the court-set provision that neither parent is to take the child out of the state until the divorce has come to its conclusion. And even then, there are clauses in your custody paperwork that can be checked off, dictating that each parent MUST inform the other before traveling with any minors outside of state lines.
I hope this helps ease your mind, and best of luck with your situation.
CAFamilyLaw44
[censored].prepyourdivorce.com/prepyourdivorce-kits
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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If one is not permited to travel outside state lines, why would there be a checklist about informing the other parent? He is not a flight risk, its a vacation, there is no such law.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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. What is typical custody arrangements for a girl under the age of two who has always been with Mom for her nights?
----> Why would it be different than any child. You say you moved out and are filing for divorce so it's not as if dad is a stranger and they need to build a relationship.
2. When do overnights with Dad usually start? Immediately?
------> It would be best if they do. The younger she is the LESS traumatic it will be not more.
3. At what age would a 50/50 arrangement tend to be put in effect? I've heard there will often be a graduated approach, but have no idea if that's over 1 year, or 10 years, or what.
----My x and I divorced when our youngest was 3. We had 50/50 from day one. I'm ot sure why it would be graduated. It seems that would be more confusing to a child than starting frmo the beginning.
4. Should Dad be allowed to take her across the country for about 3 days? That seems like it would be really scary for her.
--------> My guess would be it would be more scary for you. I took my daughter across the country (ok part way across) when she was 18mo. She did great. She didn't seem scard or out of sorts at all.
5. In general, are the courts (and mediation) focused on what's best for the child, or on giving 50/50 regardless? I realize in many cases 50/50 may be what's best, but I don't always believe that's true from the child's perspective.
---> Actually it's usually the parents (or one parent) that has an issue with 50/50 more so than the kids. Your child is young and she will adjust much more quickly than you do. A lot of parents make the mistake of thinking it's not best for the kids when it's really not what the parent wants. I have had 11 years of experience with 50/50 placement. My kids have thrived having a real relationship with both parents. No one is a "Disney" parent. No one spends the most time while the other is "visitor" in our kids lives. We both parent, disciplne, do homework and Dr appointments. It definitely means giving up some "control" but it's best for the kids to spend equal time with both parents providing one of them is not a drug addict or doing something to endanger the child.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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