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Sadie
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Decided to move this up here
      #772924 - 01/03/12 04:40 PM


I dont post when sd and I have a girls spa/ shopping day, or dad and daughter go for a long drive and have lunch together, there would be no need, but these things happen more often then the bad. I post when things happen that annoy or upset me. Yes, bm has been a thorn in our side since the beginning, and yes we have put our foot down with her and not let her walk all over us, or rewrite history. That is the only way to deal with that woman, otherwise she would be pushing the envelope to make our lives miserable.No, I do not like bm or have even an iota of respect for her, and we will both be glad this summer when she is out of our lives once and for all. Yes we may have to see her, but communication will cease, and she will become a non enitity in our lives. Whatever we do or do not do for sd will be between her and us.


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annieo
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #772925 - 01/03/12 04:44 PM

don't be so sure communication will cease - that's what I thought - don't be surprised if you haven't heard the last of her.....

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #772926 - 01/03/12 04:45 PM

If the BM is such a tool, how did the ONS baby happen? Before or after you were in the picture?


I am asked that all of the time around here about the tool that my kids call Dad.


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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: annieo]
      #772927 - 01/03/12 04:50 PM

That's why they invented Caller ID and the Erase button on the answering machine.

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annieo
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #772928 - 01/03/12 04:54 PM

Caller ID is a fabulous invention =)

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #772930 - 01/03/12 05:07 PM

I had gone away for a few days with my sister, and dh ( long term bf at the time) got really drunk and made a mistake. It took me a long time to forgive him, but I did and we were married as planned a year later. Edited to add, he did not find out about sd until after we were married almost 3 months

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: annieo]
      #772931 - 01/03/12 05:09 PM

My dh and I decided that once sd turns 18, we will no longer answer her calls at home and should she harass us, proper actions will be taken, and he will be changing his cell number.

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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #772971 - 01/04/12 02:54 AM

I asked you a question below. Does your husband love his daughter he had with the ONS? Do you love her or care for her at all? As I said before, you guys have said and done some pretty horrible things to her.

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Cassie23
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #772972 - 01/04/12 05:48 AM

I remember some pretty horrible things too :( I hope that has changed. I understand Sadie saying you don't have to bring up the good stuff because you come here when you have a problem BUT when we have a good relationship with a child those things just come out. SD and I are 100% different. She is different than my two kids and I am reminded of that every school break ;) However, she has stepped up this past semester and I do believe she is starting to value her education. Her personality has changed as well. There have been instances I know she could have lied and she has not. She also calls or texts me nonstop while in school (especially in the beginning). We don't have a perfect relationship, but we do love one another and (I believe- finally) respect one another. If I scold her for doing something wrong, she doesn't go into I-hate-Cassie-mode. She takes it in, probably disagrees with me, but then continues to have a relationship with me. We don't stop loving each other when we disagree/become mad.

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #772973 - 01/04/12 06:03 AM

Yes, we both love her. Most of what happened had to do with ons, and the crap she pulled. If we didnt stand our ground with her, she tried to walk all over us, she also told sd outright lies, and dh did correct them. That was done because sd became very hostile to me and the little ones and it needed to stop.

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ssmom79
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773003 - 01/04/12 10:54 AM

How about grandkids? You going to be involved there? A BM NEVER goes away. Until death, just like the vows say. Once there is a child involved, it is til death. I'm sure there are instances when that is not the case, but I plan to be involved in my SD's life for as long as I can, which means I am involved with her mom.

I didn't realize that you married him and found out about a baby he conceived when he cheated on you. What led to you telling your SD she was the product of a ONS? I can't imagine that coming from you, the woman he cheated on when he created the child. I hope her heart is frozen otherwise I can't see how that would not hurt a kid immensely.

What you say to a child, no matter what it is, can stick with them for a lifetime. Be careful the words you choose.


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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: ssmom79]
      #773016 - 01/04/12 12:42 PM

There is no till death vows that dh took with bm. Once sd turns 18 bm is gone from our lives. We will see sd whenever, but bm will have no impact/communications with us. That part is over. We will see sd and if there are grandkids, just not be around bm. Both times that sd heard she was from a ons came from dh, not me. Once was during an arguement between dh and bm, and once when bm was causing problems telling sd that if it wasnt for me she and dh would be married and a happy family, he simply corrected the misinformation.

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ssmom79
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773017 - 01/04/12 01:06 PM

I said it was like the vows you say, as a comparison, whether she said them or not doesn't matter, kids join people together for life. I don't think enough people in general actually GET that. Kids get married, obviously you've already got out of that one. Yes, communication will be reduced and if you don't get along it will be greatly reduced, but she isn't going to be a nonentity in your life. Kids have kids, they have birthday's, school functions, kids have sporting events, grandkids get married, and guess what, there she is again, unless you boycott that one too. But you're right there will likely be ZERO communication between you two.

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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Cassie23]
      #773019 - 01/04/12 01:18 PM

I agree completely. The good stuff just kinda comes out..especially for as long as some of us has been here. Sure, I mostly only post about the bad stuff...but I know there has been plenty good I've said about my skids also...I do love them.

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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773021 - 01/04/12 01:25 PM

I'm happy to hear you say that you both love her. Actions speak louder than words though....and I have to agree with ssmom on this one. Some things should never have been said to the child. I'm not sure if you mean to, but you and your husband both come off as very cold hearted and mean spirited.

I totally get not wanting to be around BM ever...totally and completely. I just don't think you're going to be successful at it, not if you want sd in your lives forever. You're already going to miss her wedding, but what about grandkids, birthday parties? I highly doubt they would chose to have 2 birthday parties for one grandchild just because her dad and SM aren't adult enough to deal with being in the same vicinity as her mother for an hour or 2.


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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #773022 - 01/04/12 01:30 PM

Its always possible to take them out to dinner another night for bdays, and other occassions. As far as gkids and their events, we can go and just stay far away. After all bm has done, it is time to cut any communication, and just get on with our lives.

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773023 - 01/04/12 01:31 PM

I truly hope that your SD does not allow you around her kids. You guys are mean spirited towards this young woman, but pretend to like her.

No one should ever tell a child the stuff you guys told her. THat was hateful and nasty.


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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773024 - 01/04/12 01:33 PM

Good for you. Why not just cut off communication with your SD while you are at it?

SHe's 18 and you could be totally rid of the product of what your husband says was a one night stand.

Awful, awful stuff.


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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773027 - 01/04/12 01:36 PM

What has she done that was so bad that you would chose to not attend birthday parties for your grandkids? I'm curious. I'm having a hard time believing it's anything worse than what my DH's ex has done to us...and yet we still attend (and will attend) functions for my skids and grandkids. I can's stand the woman...she tried many times to not only bring us to financial ruin, but to be homeless and to have my DH thrown in jail. After all that, I still can't imagine going so far as to miss out on important life events just to avoid her.

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #773028 - 01/04/12 01:39 PM

In all honesty, I dont want to rehash the last 10 years. We are really excited about going forward and being able to put bm behind us. It was a long 18 years, but here we are.

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773029 - 01/04/12 01:40 PM

10 years? I thought the SD was 18? What happened to the other 8?

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773030 - 01/04/12 01:42 PM

I meant since I found this site.. I was on the old forums first... and if you look, I said I dont want to rehash the last 10 years, but that it has been a long 18

Edited by Sadie (01/04/12 01:46 PM)


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nope
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773031 - 01/04/12 01:44 PM

what has been said that was so horrid?

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773032 - 01/04/12 01:45 PM

SRS, maybe you let people walk all over you, we however did not. When bm got out of hand, dh reminded her of her place, and that she had no control over us. With Sd dh simply told her the truth, and the truth isnt always pretty

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773033 - 01/04/12 01:51 PM

Reminded her of her place? By telling a child awful, hateful stuff?

Wow. THat poor young lady. You can see how much you love her by your latest couple of postings.

Why not just cut her out of your life and be done?


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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773034 - 01/04/12 01:54 PM

No , he reminded BM of her place....

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: nope]
      #773035 - 01/04/12 01:54 PM

Nope -

WOuld you tell your child in a moment of anger towards their birthmom that they were the product of a one night stand? Is that something someone would do to a child they loved? Gosh. To me that is not loving or kind.

That is angry and hateful. I would hate having that much anger in my heart of 18 years.


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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773036 - 01/04/12 01:56 PM

Yes, she was just a wh0re who seduced a poor drunken man into having unprotected s3x with her on the night she was ovulating so she could have his baby.

Really....put her in her place? Really?


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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773039 - 01/04/12 02:02 PM

He was arguing with bm, she started to get nasty, and in a moment of anger ( we have all said things when we were angry, lets face it) he told her she was just a one time f*ck, and forgot that sd was close..

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773040 - 01/04/12 02:03 PM

He admits his part in it, but he has no problem telling bm that he only slept with her when he was drunk, it was once, and there was never a chance in anything long term

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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773041 - 01/04/12 02:04 PM

Yeah that's what I thought.

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773042 - 01/04/12 02:14 PM

What is the definition of being a parent and loving a child? Yours is certainly different than mine.

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773045 - 01/04/12 02:32 PM

I can just see my kids Dad's last live-in saying stuff like that to my kids. Sorry for being so heated. She was a nasty b1tch who pretended to like the kids when she needed to drag them out for a public event.

In private she was hateful to them because even though she didn't know me from adam, she hated me passionately.


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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773051 - 01/04/12 03:38 PM

So what do you tell the kid, preteen, when they say things like, "When you were married to my mom" Lie from BM. "When we all use to live in this house here", Why did you divorce my mom?", "Mom said you guys were married for 3 years.", Mom said you guys had a great time when you took her to Mexico for your Honeymoon.
Mom said she left you because you had an affair with LeAnne?

So when do correct the lies? Just curious? Or do you play along with the lies, let dad look like a loser and let me look like a home wrecker? But lets make BM the Princess and play along.

I started dating Matt after the ONS, he didn't even know the bar [censored] was knocked up until we were 3 months into our relationship.
We played along for several years and just ignored the questions. Until Matt decided he was old enough to 1/2 understand.
So matt corrected all the lies, explained what happened and we moved on.
Life is hard and sometimes the truth hurts...but so much better than living the lie.

And now SS gets to deal with the ONS issue for the next 18 years too.

And yes condom, condom, condom... but what about the [censored] using some birth control if she is going to pick up drunk guys from the bar?
But that's OK, she nailed the guy and now he is going to pay, pay, and pay some F'n more. Oh then you have no rights but to pay. Visitation...good luck on that.

I put up with the weirdo sending love letters to my house for 3 years. She would address it MATT ONLY. She was stalking my house. Calling my phone. Till one day she showed up at H's work, when I was there. It was about 7pm, she called me over to her car, started cussing me out and slamming my kids.
By this time I had had ENOUGH of her bullcrap. I grabbed her by the front of her shirt, picked her up, slammed her up against the wall. Told her if she ever screwed with me, my kids, or MY OLD MAN again, I would break her in 1/2.

Now you have to understand that I was lean, mean, and buff from working construction and I meant what I said, and she knew it.
Let's jsut say that is the last time she screwed with my family with stupid crap.
Will we got to parties with her....NOPE
Will we ever see her again..NOPE..unless by chance and we will be running away before she see us. Hopefully..
Will we go to SS's wedding..Probably not..I really can't see matt walking into the devil's den,with her family there...NOPE.
Is the SS welcome to see us...YES...but it will have nothing to do with BM.

Sames goes for my EX...did D invite him to the wedding...NOPE
Did he walk his D down the aisle..NOPE

I have talked to the EX one time in 8 years and to be in the same room..that has been 17 years.

So yes it can be done.

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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773053 - 01/04/12 03:48 PM

I still don't agree with telling a young child that she was the product of a ONS. Sorry. Yes, you can say stuff like, "I'm sorry sweetie, but you were misinformed...your mother and I were never married or engaged or anything like that". "I only screwed your mom once and i was drunk, that's why you were born..you were a mistake I made" isn't something you should say to a young child. Sorry.

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Redlegg
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #773056 - 01/04/12 04:28 PM

There has to be context. You can tell the child the truth when they are old enough, but do you put the sins of the father on the child. It has to be hard when you are in a LTR, and you go away and your SO has a ONS and you do not find out there is a reminder of basically his infidelity, that will be around for life, until 3 months after you marry him. Nothing wrong with being angry about the situation, about the infidelity, and it has to be hard that every time you see your SD you are reminded of it, every time you write a support check, every court visit, every phone call, it has to be hard. But what about the truth of a daughter that feels loved, that knows she has two parents who love her regardless of the circumstances, not parents who tolerate every little thing, but parents who truly parent. If the child is getting a feeling of dislike, that is wrong, if the child knows the truth, and still does not accept the father then that is a choice the child is making. Maybe it is better to let it lie, send the support, and not throw gas on the fire. Kids grow, they see, they learn, they do not always choose what is there for them. If BM has PAS'd this child to the point where there is no recovery, then why bother trying. It is tragic, but how long can you let the tragedy define your lives. maybe it is time to throw in the towel, and stop engaging totally. If you have honestly loved, and tried to make this child a part of yoru family, and it will not work, what is left, except to what he is legally responsible for..

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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #773061 - 01/04/12 05:02 PM

SS was 14 I think when he was told. But I do know that SS knew the stories didn't jive when he moved in with us. He started asking questions. But we did have a nice wedding gift that was hanging on the wall of our wedding date. SS said well how could you be married to my mom and LeAnne at the same time?
So Matt sat him down, just the 2 of them and they discussed it.
Then Bm came back with what did you tell him? Matt said I just corrected all the lies you have been feeding him.

Oh and the one that mom said you never paid CS?
Hmm...Matt pulled out the spread sheet and showed him exactly what has been paid, along with all the copies of cancelled checks. Had all that because you know I am anal about #'s and when it comes to $$$$, I am very anal. Even proved the CS office wrong when they said he owed more money...WRONG... :)

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Cassie23
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773063 - 01/04/12 05:26 PM

We never told SD the truth and believe me there were times I really wanted to. When she first moved here she made some comment like, "Oh well was it like that when you left my Mom?" She was being snotty and trying to throw something in his face that wasn't even true. H just said, "You have no idea what you are talking about so don't say another word".

There were times where we corrected the misinformed. Like "Yes I have always paid CS" or "No I didn't abandon you with a Dear John letter and take everything in the house leaving you and your mom with nothing".

However we did not tell her that her Mom was having an affair and H found the proof in letters and cards. That she was out til 4 or 5am EVERY night and H was the one caring for SD 100% of the time he was not in work.

We chose not to tell her because we thought it would do more harm than good. She would often say, "I would never forgive one of my parents IF I knew they cheated on the other parent". We figured she would someday see BM for exactly what she was without us having to point it out. I think that has now been accomplished. BM stopped talking/seeing SD once the checks stopped and we continued our relationship with her WHILE paying or receiving. Actions often speak louder than words.

Apparently BM lied to her last H for years about the truth. She made up this big long story about how H and her were married and then after their marriage they had SD. Far from the truth. H and BM only knew one another about 2 months and H broke up with her and 2 months later she came and said she was pregnant (after she told him she could not get pregnant). So...do we tell SD that even after BM told SD ***I**** broke up their relationship? Hardly- I wasn't even around. Never told SD a word about it.


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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773064 - 01/04/12 05:28 PM

Thank you LeAnne, you of all should know some of how we feel.

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773112 - 01/05/12 06:15 AM

How horrible to have that much hate in your heart for your entire life.

There is no reason to be mean to any child. THere just isn't. It isn't her fault that she was brought into the world by 2 very irresponsible people.

My ex used to say that he didn't even believe our children were his. He would say really mean hateful things to me about our kids not being his. WOuld say that I was running around on him when he was deployed. ALmost 6 years later and he is still saying that stuff about me to his fling of them month. Did any of that happen? No, it didn't. I was working 60 hours a week and raising our children. Will I ever tell our kids about his saying stuff like that? No, I love them too much to let them know. Now, will one of his flings do it - perhaps and I will be there with my arms open to love and protect those people we chose to bring into the world.

I am not perfect, but I would not say such awful things to a child.


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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773121 - 01/05/12 09:36 AM

Not quite...per say. The ONS was before I started dating Matt.
If the fling happened while we were dating or I found out recently into a new marriage...It would be "over" point blank. Matt would be packing his bags.

I don't do cheaters, beaters...my ex was both of those.

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BeachBabeRN
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773124 - 01/05/12 10:01 AM

I completely agree LeAnne, that would have been a deal breaker for me.

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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: BeachBabeRN]
      #773138 - 01/05/12 11:50 AM

But, then you couldn't bring it up to them for the next 18 years.

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BeachBabeRN
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773139 - 01/05/12 12:24 PM

Exactly.

I couldn't be bothered with someone like that -- however, that's not a criticism of Sadie for staying with her now DH.


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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: BeachBabeRN]
      #773145 - 01/05/12 01:03 PM

That is a personal choice...and I would not stay with a cheater..I don't "swap spit" as they say around here.

But if they have worked through it, more power to them. I would think this happening to her H, he would hopefully keep his pecker in his pants.

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Empty Nesting


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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: BeachBabeRN]
      #773147 - 01/05/12 01:06 PM

To each his own. I don't do cheating either.

But as often as she brings up the ONS here, I would imagine she brings it up at home during arguments or whenever convenient.

18 years...


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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773151 - 01/05/12 01:41 PM

We don't really know that question?

I am sure most come here and say things here..that normally you wouldn't say to out in public to your hubby or whomever IRL.
Some will just put VENT...then it is OK...but if you don't put this is just a vent...then the bashing starts to come.
This is a place to blow off some steam too. Maybe Sadie blows off steam here, so she can release some stress about the whole situation...so it doesn't come out at home?

Gosh I can't tell you how much I bitched and moaned on here about SS and Bm?
But it's better to release the tension here, than for me to be a walking time bomb in my home with everyone present. Since the whole SS and BM drama is out of my life, my BP has dropped 15 points.

And with Sadie willing to let SD live in her condo, take less rent, save the money and pay off student loans for her SD, to me says she is not the old hag that some want to make her out to be.

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Empty Nesting


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Debbie_L
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773152 - 01/05/12 01:44 PM

She seems to completely absolve him of any responsibility for his part in it at all. Oops, my husband got drunk and his dick just fell into a sl*t from hell. She villifies the woman and seems to think "drunkeness" is an okay excuse for the man. He's probably cheated on her a bunch of times, but got unlucky that time.

Personally, I don't take drunkeness as an excuse for anything (nor have I ever used it as an excuse for bad behaviour). I find that a weak, lame cop-out. I'm sure it is a convenient one though.

PS - I'm just quick replying, so this isn't directed at anyone.


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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Debbie_L]
      #773155 - 01/05/12 02:05 PM

...although when I was younger I did behave badly when under the influence. lol


ETA: The next morning you have to own up to whatever decisions you made.

Edited by SRS (01/05/12 02:10 PM)


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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Debbie_L]
      #773156 - 01/05/12 02:16 PM

He was not her husband at the time.

I wonder if there are any stats about how many kids have been produced by a drunken ONS?
I bet Maury Povich could tell you how this happens?

Like who's your baby daddy? Hmm I don't know slut...but we had to check 9 different guys and haven't found him yet?

Then what woman in her right mind would have unprotected sex/not using BC herself, with a drunk guy she drug home from the bar? Hmmm

Looking for a baby daddy who thought she found a gold mind?

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Empty Nesting


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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773160 - 01/05/12 02:31 PM

I've always said it takes 2 to tango - whether that be a drunken ONS or cheating on your spouse.

I really don't understand why anyone (male or female) not in a monogamous, committed, long-term relationship would go without a condom AND a form of BC - drunk or not. Is a few minutes of pleasure really worth it?


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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Debbie_L]
      #773162 - 01/05/12 02:49 PM

Debbie, Idid not absolve him of responsibility, it took a very long time to get over the hurt and anger. It is a true statement, yes he was drunk, yes he did cheat, has it happened since, no and I do believe that. He owned up to his responisbility, cs was always paid, extras that he agreed with always paid ( to be honest it is only now that she is older that he is saying no to extras, things such as paying part of a car or insurance he told her nope, you have a job buy it yourself, her wedding, on her ect). The one thing I think is funny is when the ladies on here cant find anything else bad to say, they bring up the cheating and carry on about it.
No, I dont throw it up at him all the time, but I do vent on here. He decided very early on that he would deal with bm like he was in a business deal with an unreasonable person ( which she can be) and thats how its played out. We went through alot of what LeAnne talks about, the lies about them being married/engaged ( never happened and I can say that for sure because we have been friends since kindergarten, and dated since freshman year of hs), the letters sent to the house, crazy phone calls, lies to sd.

We have decided that once sd turns 18/graduates from hs ( both of which happen in June 3 days apart)we are done dealing with bm. Will we go to parties with her, hell no, be in her company, hell no again, accept her phone calls, yet another hell no.. If sd wants a relationship with her dad, and our family she is welcome anytime, but that is up to her.
and SRS to answer your question, was a few minutes worth the last 18 years, my hubby says hell no, if he had it to do all over, he would have stayed home that night.

Edited by Sadie (01/05/12 02:51 PM)


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Cassie23
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773163 - 01/05/12 03:08 PM

and SRS to answer your question, was a few minutes worth the last 18 years, my hubby says hell no, if he had it to do all over, he would have stayed home that night.
-------------------------------------------------

But without that he wouldn't have his daughter. I know BM has been a HUGE PITA, but I cannot say that H would say it wasn't worth it. You cannot re-write history without knowing that you would be giving up a daughter.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773166 - 01/05/12 03:29 PM

Speaking for myself, since I fall into the "drunken One Night Stand" category AND as one of those drunken One Night Stands that DID result in a pregnancy, I can answer:

Well, first of all, when you're THAT drunk? You don't necessarily THINK. I surely didn't. Now, in my "defense" (and PLEASE before people get all over my shyt, I have it in QUOTES like, being facetious). I was 17. It was my first time. Having sex. so yes, I'm a big old statistic, all the way around. Drunken ONS, first time sex getting knocked up. Yup yup yup.

I was pretty uneducated, to be perfectly honest, about sex in general. Apparently I didn't pay attention in health class (which in my day was VERY vague.. I mean it was pretty much, when you get your period, here's how to use outdated sanitary supplies that you probably can't even buy in a store anymore).

I can tell you the EXACT date I got pregnant.. November 30th.. 1985. And my biggest memory of it? Was AFTER thinking.. that was IT?? That's what the fuss is over? Really? At least in my memory is was a pretty quick event and I'm not even the one who figured out I was pregnant, my mother did. I was just generally naive, inexperienced, and generally stupid :):)

it is what it is. Also for the record, my son has a half-brother. His biological father is married. So yup, I had a drunken ONS, as a minor, with a married man. Besides the whole "statutory rape" issue and not wanting to screw up his military retirement (officer at the sub base in Groton), I wasn't about to screw up a marriage either.

So I went the OPPOSITE route.. I wasn't about to be a BM from he11. I was just going to make the problem go away.. for everyone.

But I guess I'm a rarity.

I can see how these things "happen". I know my son's father felt pretty damn guilty afterwards. It was just a drunken, stupid mistake. Is what it is. He will NEVER know he has a son. Never ever. I thought that was best then, and I still believe that today.. 100%.


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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: BeachBabeRN]
      #773167 - 01/05/12 03:48 PM

And me also.

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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773168 - 01/05/12 03:50 PM

But that's just it. Some horrible things HAVE been said to her SD, done to her SD...rather than just vent here so it doesn't come out at home.

If I'm not mistaken, her SD was like..8 or so when she was told she was a product of a ONS...and from what I remember, it wasn't done kindly.


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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #773170 - 01/05/12 05:01 PM

Sd wasnt " told", bm and my dh were arguing and he said it to bm when sd was in hearing distance. He did apologize to sd, but he has never denied it to her either

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M5M5
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773187 - 01/06/12 12:10 AM

You said he told her twice. The "overhearing" part (which, is not a good excuse, btw...he knew she was within hearing I'm sure when he told BM that), and once more.

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Sadie
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: M5M5]
      #773194 - 01/06/12 06:00 AM

Yes the second time she was older and bm had been telling her that if it wasnt for me and our son ( dd wasnt born yet) that they would be married and be a happy family. He simply corrected the lies she was told.

All of this happened years ago, we are past it as is sd, why cant the ladies on this board get past it??


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SRS
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Sadie]
      #773195 - 01/06/12 06:24 AM

I think some of us just can't imagine harboring that much hate for 18 years.

Those words are not something that a normal person can just move past. Words can seriosuly hurt a person. More than physical pain in a lot of cases.

There are ways you can tell a child things, be totally honest with them, without telling them that they were the product of a ONS and a mistake.


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ssmom79
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773205 - 01/06/12 08:28 AM

When I was 12 years old, my dad told me I was acting like a slut for waving to a boy from school from his truck. I will never forget that. It really hurt. Like, really. Even though I'm supposed to have let go of that, the words he said stuck with me forever.

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LexieBelle
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: ssmom79]
      #773206 - 01/06/12 08:34 AM

Yeah, words stick for sure. I can't even remember what age my mother started telling me if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have gotten sick. Of course, I heard it more than once.. and nope, never been forgotten.. stuck forever and I'd say absolutely a factor (if not THE biggest factor) in "who" I am ("fixer", accept blame for things not my fault, yadda yadda yadda yadda).

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Cassie23
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LexieBelle]
      #773207 - 01/06/12 08:58 AM

I agree. We have discussed this before, but my mom started in early with telling us kids how horrible our father is. Telling us adult things, that age 6 or 7 I didn't need to know. By the time I was 10, I knew so much I think this was the reason I had severe stomach aches as a child.

It also, in the end, made me see my mother for the monster she was. It doesn't matter how many bad things my father did, he not once spoke ill of my mother and he could have. She nagged him every day of his life- she took no responsibility for the demise of their marriage. Still to this day I see her as a self absorbed unkind person.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: Cassie23]
      #773208 - 01/06/12 09:08 AM

Yeah Cassie, I totally hear that too. My parents were never divorced.. actually STILL aren't divorced (they're only legally separated, did it at the 43 year mark) but as I've said here before, might as well have been.

I don't ever remember my mom NOT trashing my dad. I knew about their finances, their sex life (they didn't have one, something I was reminded of CoNSTANTLY).. he was screwing one of more ladies at work (unlikely, I highly highly HIGHLY doubt it).. the list is endless. At 42, I STILL hear it. Both my father and I avoid conversations with my mother like the plague because she is toxic.

All I know is, I used to PRAY.. every day.. my parents would divorce.. and that I'd live with HIM.. NOT HER. And yup, she's self-absorbed, mean, toxic, dysfunctional and just generally whacked.

Christmas, she created drama over... ultimately I invited my dad for Christmas Day and we both agreed to NOT tell her. We had a fantastic day and it was NORMAL.. and HEALTHY. And she wasn't involved... go figure.


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LeAnne
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: SRS]
      #773211 - 01/06/12 09:50 AM

Matt's ex, the one he was married too, had a baby when they got married, he was not the baby daddy. They had one together.
But any way this girl was lied to her whole life, that she was Matt's kid. Bm forged the birth certificate somehow, making Matt the Daddy. So Matt had to pay CS on her even though she wasn't his. Matt was in the Army in Germany when the divorce went down in the states. Matt played along. Then at 21, Somehow??? D found out that Matt wasn't her dad. Talk about one pissed off chick...called matt and BM big Fat LIARS. She will not even talk to Matt at all now. Hmm, he paid for her butt for 16 years.

So I really think the truth needs to be told. I think the reason her mom told her had to do with something with her first child...medical issue of some sort.

Guess I have always been a Truth person...non of this little white lie crap...which will one day come back and bite you.

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annieo
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773224 - 01/06/12 10:41 AM

I will never forget the day my mom called me a wh0re because me and a friend went to the mall instead of the library so in her mind we were obviously "wh0ring around" I was 15 and my friends mom actually said we could go - I could not get a hold of my mom (no cells back then) anyway it really hurt I had never even had a boyfriend and had she bothered to ask she would have known I never would have done anything to embarrass them or even losing my virginity before I was out of their house.

I was a late bloomer and raised in a strict Catholic home so I wasn't into dating or boys in that sense until around 17 and even then I was so shy and did not want to embarrass my parents by furking up.

I will also never forget the first time I called my mom a biotch and I have never done that again - it was in the heat of the moment and it just came out

It is possible my ss is not my husbands and I have to give the bm a smidgen of credit for not flinging that out there in all her nastiness. My husband had slept with her (at 16) and she got pregnant but she also slept with two others within days so there was always the speculation and back then paternity test were not the norm. My ss looks a lot like one of the other men but he also looks like my hubbies family. My hubbies family had what bm wanted so hubby was labeled the father. My sd (at 14)asked one time and I said I did not know (which is the truth) obviously she got it from somewhere she said bm told her there was a question but not to let her brother (ss)know. It would have been so easy to jump on that but it would have been wrong.

Should ss know - I don't know he's almost 30 and it isn't for me to tell him.

Bm has always been about how she looks to others and money and naming the wrong father would look poorly on her (this was 30 years ago), something should have been done when the child was born but it wasn't (partly my hubbies mother's fault) so who knows what is "right" now to do, if anything??

Some things should never be said to a child and telling them they are a ONS and a mistake is wrong imo.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: LeAnne]
      #773225 - 01/06/12 10:45 AM

[quote]Guess I have always been a Truth person...non of this little white lie crap...which will one day come back and bite you. [/quote]

----------->> I would normally agree.. I would never tell mine the "absolute" truth about why her father and I split, however. I do the "well sometimes things just don't work out" white lie.. absolutely. I'm pretty sure "well honey, you simply weren't as important to your dad as your half-sister is and when push came to shove? He was more concerned with her than you soooooo, he left us" wouldn't go over very well ;) Now that's "truth" and his subsequent actions surely tell that story on their own but, when i'm asked why we're no longer together? Yup.. I'm white lie central ;) No benefit can come of it, only harm.. and the "white lie" hurts no one. Well, maybe me, lol.. but I don't matter in that scenario.


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Cassie23
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Re: Decided to move this up here [Re: annieo]
      #773232 - 01/06/12 11:47 AM

I know what you mean. The question has been out there in regards to SD and I was fully waiting for BM to say, "She's not yours" once CS was on the table and she had to pay. However she is only paying for a 3 years, I don't know if 3 years of CS at $300/month would be enough to ruin her reputation? I don't know if SD is truly H's. BM and H broke up and 2 or 3 months later she said she was pregnant. They were together for a short period of time and she was known for getting around...so....

By the time H found out that BM was seeing more than just him, I don't know that he thought the DNA test was worth it. I guess he just believed that her word. Years later he talked about it, but getting the test done at that point seemed useless since she had already been a part of our lives.


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