Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
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You said:
------> It would be best if they do. The younger she is the LESS traumatic it will be not more.
My response:
That may have been the case for YOUR child. Overnights were FAR MORE traumatic for my youngest when my ex and I first split, which was when she was 3. She's 10 now and has no issues with overnights anymore. In fact, when we started doing the overnights, we had to back off from 2 overnights EOW to one overnight EOW. And it took her YEARS to get to the point she is now.
The OP knows her toddler better than any of us here and has a better idea of what the child can handle or not.
You said:
----My x and I divorced when our youngest was 3. We had 50/50 from day one. I'm ot sure why it would be graduated. It seems that would be more confusing to a child than starting frmo the beginning.
My response:
A graduated plan, especially if the child is very young like the OP's is, is very good for kids to get used to a new arrangement. It's less change all at once. And IF the child can handle 50/50, not every child can, it will help tremendously if it is gradual instead of right off the bat. Unless both parents were heavily involved in childcare, that is.
You said:
---> Actually it's usually the parents (or one parent) that has an issue with 50/50 more so than the kids.
My response:
Actually, it's the CHILD that has the harder time adjusting. Especially the younger they are. It's not the parents who are going back and forth. It's the child.
You said:
Your child is young and she will adjust much more quickly than you do.
My response:
You have absolutely no idea how her child will adjust. You don't know her child or her child's personality. She's the expert on her child, not you.
You said:
A lot of parents make the mistake of thinking it's not best for the kids when it's really not what the parent wants.
My response:
And a lot of parents make the mistake of forcing a 50/50 situation on a child who can't handle it.
You said:
I have had 11 years of experience with 50/50 placement.
My response:
Bully for you. Doesn't mean that her child is anything like your kids are. Or can handle the same situation as your kids do.
You said:
My kids have thrived having a real relationship with both parents.
My response:
I don't have 50/50 and my kids are thriving and have a good relationship with both parents. It doesn't have to be 50/50 to have a "real" relationship with a parent.
BTW, had we started out with 50/50, my youngest would not be doing as well as she is now.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30210
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All children adapt to EVERYTHING. Change all at once is far better than small gradual changes. Especially when you consider the HUGE amount of change that a divorce comes with.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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I suppose 50/50 could be difficult for some kids. The solution then is obvious. Mom can visit on Wednesday nights and see the child every other weekend. Then it won't be a problem.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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[quote]I suppose 50/50 could be difficult for some kids. The solution then is obvious. Mom can visit on Wednesday nights and see the child every other weekend. Then it won't be a problem. [/quote]
--------->> I'm with Goodmom. it doesn't necessarily work for all kids. Wouldn't have worked for mine either.
My ex used to see our daughter weekly, no overnights.. HORROR SHOW. 7 hours a week would fvck her up for DAYS. it was so obvious, the daycare would comment "hmm, you go home this weekend?? She's sooo different". Because she had skipped a week going to dad's.
Today we do every other weekend, ONE night. We did a couple of weeklongs.. DISASTROUS. Total disasters. Even just two nights aren't good. Just tried one at Thanksgiving.. just not good. That's not even MY assessment, since I'm not there, that's HIS assessment.
For MY child, maybe someday she'll get better with it. If not, as Goodmom said, she has A relationship with her dad, and it's healthy as it's going to be given the type of guy her dad is with her.
But 50/50 with her? Would be probably THE most detrimental thing that could ever happen. Take 2 years of progress, throw it out the window and ensure she's a mess for years to come. Absolutely no way. I'd fight that with every thing I had if it were ever suggested.
And given Dad has said, point blank, he can't handle our child on more than a day or so basis? i don't think switching custody would be a good idea. (my ex is the guy that when I said I was having her seen by a psychologist a couple of years ago said, and I quote "good, maybe they'll decide to just put her somewhere. She's not normal")
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30210
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Children adapt to ANYTHING. It would not have been PLEASANT, and it might have been a HASSLE, but she WOULD have adapted. She would have learned to deal with the situation in a way that she could handle.
Honestly, this whole, "Best interest of the child" has been extended to WHAT the CHILD appears to like BEST, which is wrong. Because little Susy or Johnny don't LIKE switching house, doesn't mean its not in their best interest.
You SAY she would not have done well, but BE honest, if she had another parent that was INTERESTED in being a 50/50 parent, there is NO way to determine what would have happened.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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I'm pretty confident in it. It wasn't just a matter of "like" or "not like", we are talking measurable/obvious long-term behavioral issues post-visit. None of the psychologists/counselors who have dealt with her have advocated additional time with dad.
And, for the record? She doesn't want to go the ONE night either. Her "norm" was NEVER to have overnights. She spent three years with NO overnights. And, 2 years later, she STILL would "like" NO overnights. So it's not like she's not made to do stuff she doesn't "like", if she were allowed her way, I would take her in the morning and pick her up at night and that would be that. That's her "ideal". She loves her dad.. don't get me wrong.. but she's not happy staying there. At all.
The extended visits.. I don't see her adjusting to.. at least not any time in the immediate future. And the damage done in the interim FORCING her to "adapt"? Would have been totally counterproductive.
speaking JUST for ME and MY child, THE best thing to ever happen was our relocation and the change to every other weekend. I have a TOTALLY different child today than I had 2 years ago. The every week was just a horror show. And he knows that. Even he will, when we do happen to do weeks back to back, be like "eeeee, how's she doing???" Like we did it in December.. and it went well BUT she is also now not going back for a month. And she's doing fantastic. Well, other than being sick. But she absolutely does best in one primary environment. Absolutely, no doubt, it's very well established. You may not like it or agree with it, but it is reality. All trying to force a 50/50 would have done was create a highly hostile and more oppositional child, who never had a chance to stabilize in ANY environment, before being shuffled back to the other. It is what it is.
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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"And, for the record? She doesn't want to go the ONE night either. Her "norm" was NEVER to have overnights. She spent three years with NO overnights. And, 2 years later, she STILL would "like" NO overnights."
You do realize that is a learned behavior, and that you've probably handicapped the child in her ability for adaptation in the future? Also, "My way or the highway, entitled adults were once children."
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Hmmm... I might have agreed with you a couple of years ago; however, as those who know her here can tell you, she's actually gone through a TON of change, and it was barely a blip on the radar. Moved from NY to here. new daycare. No problem. Was living with someone, now isn't.. barely a blip on the radar. I can't tell you how many times people at her daycare commented on how incredibly well she adjusted to the new place, particularly given her issues on other things (think Asperger's type stuff. Lots of sensory issues.. she's not "on the spectrum" but she definitely exhibits quite a few asperger-esque traits).
She has adapted to kingergarten like it was nothing. She never shed a tear, adjusted to new rules/approaches easy peasie.
She's hardly "entitled". We own one television. We don't own any video games. She has a used DS.. which she rarely uses. We don't have a stereo. I have no "gadgets" other than my iPhone.. well and my old iPhone lol. Which are both worth their weight in gold!! I'm not an overindulged adult. I've gone ONE handbag and two pairs of shoes. 2 sneakers. She only owns one pair of shoes at a time. MAYBE a dress shoe. MAYBE. her friends come over and they go home with "treat bags" of her stuff.
If you want to assign "learned behavior" blame, perhaps you should look to her father? He's the guy that refused to hold her in the NICU until the nurses berated him into it. Also refused to feed her too... until he was told she wouldn't be allowed to come home with us until BOTH of us could feed her. The first session,he got pissed off/annoyed at her that she wouldn't eat for him that he stood up, told me "sit down" and then just about DROPPED her into my lap. Then left for 3 hours. Nurses said they'd never seen any parent do anything remotely like that. he was PISSED. He was mad he was forced to do the feeding and he was thoroughly pissed at our daughter that she didn't eat for him (never would by the way.. drove him crazy..). You might look to him, when he left, having a room for his daughter and his alcoholic friend but barely having so much as a pack n play for our daughter. Oh and he wasn't financially supporting her in any other way at the time either. Stole $55,000 off credit cards though so he could keep a room for his FRIEND, but not his kid.
Perhaps you could look to him telling her he doesn't care about her feelings. or when he told her "if you're good, maybe you can come back". Maybe it's the times he's said she's a liar about things, but turns out? She was right.
My daughter dosn't like it there because it's not a "safe" place for her. She doesn't like it because it's not her home. and it's not her home? Because he's never bothered to help her feel like it IS her home. Because it's not. He has another child, that's his priority, that child is WHY we are divorced and my daughter is an accessory doll for that child.. not much more. You're not aware of the history perhaps, but my ex husband and my ex husband alone, is entirely responsible for why his daughter feels the way she does about staying there. For the record? I am his BIGGEST cheerleader. Rah Rah Daddy!! When she bytches about NOT wanting to go, I'M the one who is singing dad's praises, how great is dad, you HAVE to go, you NEED your dad, blah blah blah. His actions; however, speak way louder than my words.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30210
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You cannot grasp that her relationship with him was created by you and him, and what you allowed to ocurr.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Eve
member
Reged: 11/28/05
Posts: 112
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Onmyown5.............PLEASE listen to YOUR heart on this one. YOU are the mother of a one and a half year old whose father did not spend much time with her when you were together. Now that you are leaving he wants overnights and I bet he will want 50-50 custody. You have probably been the one giving her 90% of the care and nurturing so far. Do you really think this is going to change and he is suddenly going to stop working "early in the morning", as you say he does to take on this new role? Maybe......but I doubt it....at least not for long.
Men that step up to the plate and care/nurture their children in 50-50 custody, have usually been right there along side mom caring/nurturing since day one. They washed bottles, walked their infant late at night, shared feeding if mom wasn't breastfeeding, changed diapers, etc.
I am sure there are some that change.....but I would not bet my babies care on that.
IF you feel he will not give your baby the care and attention she requires, stay strong and fight for primary custody. You have spent more time with your child than anyone and you know what is best for her at this time in her life. Whatever you agree on you will be stuck with for a long, long time, and if you want to change after the fact, it can be a costly battle, so think long and hard about this.
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