Stormi
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I need some help please. I was awarded sole legal custody in my 2007 bitter divorce. I have always been respectful in trying to keep my ex in the loop. It has been getting to the point where he fights me on everything tooth and nail regarding the children and doesn't communicate with me and screams that he has rights. It can get ugly at times, because the kids are in the middle. Since he has no legal rights, do I have to inform him of any issues pertaining the kids since this is truning ugly? I don't want to put them throught being stuck in the middle.
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nightowl74
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Sole custody. I'm assuming he is abusive or terrible? I could be wrong, but if he is. Then seek the advice of your lawyer. Now if he is not abusive or terrible, and is typically a good dad. Do the best you can with him on keeping him in the loop, but you need to make very clear to him. You'll not be treated in such a manner. ANDDDDD do your very best to treat him the way you want to be treated. Try and leave emotions out of it. $%%@ near impossible because with divorce everything is personal. :(
I hope this helped a bit.
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Renny
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The court order gives you sole custody and no visitation for him? Is there a restraining order in place?
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M5M5
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What do you mean, he has no legal rights? Where his rights taken away? Just because you have sole custody, doesn't mean he has no legal rights.
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Sherron
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"What do you mean, he has no legal rights? "
I'm guessing no decision making rights, since she has sole custody. She keeps him informed anyway, but he is being a PITA about it, so she wants to know if she has to keep informing him, since legally, he gets no input.
OP... yeah, in general, you should keep the ncp informed, especially on major stuff. What kind of things is he fighting you on?
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Stormi
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Thank you everyone for your responses. Let me clarify some issues. I was awarded the sole custody based on a number os reasons. With sole custody he has no decision making rights. When we were married I was the disciplinary parent as he never wanted to discipline the children or make them follow rules. There have been issues that have come about with the children since then that I have advised him on and thought we had agreements on how the situation would handle and then he changes his mind and goes agaisnt totally what we discussed. The children are in the middle and creates much confusion when it comes to raising them. I have told him that I have the final decsion making rights and the up bringing and he starts yealling and screaming that he has rights. I'm not saying he doesnt, I just dont think that this creates an environment for the children that is healthy. We never can agree on anything. He has always been mad that he doesn'thave custody and always makes me to be the bad guy in any situation. He does have visitation rights only. Every time I try to discuss this issue it becomes adversarial.
I hope this helps. I am new to the forum and was looking for advise prior to contacting the attorney which can be costly. Also, what are some of the abbreviations: PITA, OP?
Thank you
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gr8Dad
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Well, legal custody does not mean that you get to dictate what goes on when the child is with him, only that you have final say on MAJOR decisions, ie school, etc. Have you tried allowing him some input as to the decisions?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Sherron
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"With sole custody he has no decision making rights. When we were married I was the disciplinary parent as he never wanted to discipline the children or make them follow rules. There have been issues that have come about with the children since then that I have advised him on and thought we had agreements on how the situation would handle and then he changes his mind and goes agaisnt totally what we discussed. The children are in the middle and creates much confusion when it comes to raising them."
If the main concern is discipline, save the money for a lawyer... unless there is abuse or neglect, he can choose to raise and discipline them any way he wants to in his home/on his time. Yeah, I'd become adversarial too if the other parent tried to tell me how to run my home.
PITA... pain in the a$$... OP... original poster... we sometimes go off on sub discussions, so addressing the OP is addressing the original poster, in this case - you.
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Stormi
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Thanks again. I am not trying to dictate what goes on in his house. I think my situation is coming across unclear. I do understand what all of you are saying. The issue is that he wants to insist on having a say in the final decision on issues (school,legal, etc) and saying he has rights. This creates arguments,stress and the children being placed in the middle. I just want to know if I am legally obligated to tell him about situations in the childs life? When I do it ALWAYS turns adversarial and him yelling about his rights.
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Sherron
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"The issue is that he wants to insist on having a say in the final decision on issues (school,legal, etc) and saying he has rights. "
As the father, yes, he does have rights unless they've been terminated. You talked about discipline, and yes, he has the right to discipline in his home how he sees fit. While legally, you have final say in school/legal decisions, if he's an active and involved parent, why not give him the courtesy of treating him like one and considering his input? What does he say that is so outrageous regarding school/legal issues that automatically disqualifies his opinion?
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Renny
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I think you should settle on a means of keeping in him in the loop about major decisiions without tangling with him. Perhaps a separate email address just for children issues. And there are calendar-type programs you can subscribe to that keeps him posted on events and decisions. That way you protect yourself. The CO may give you final say in all major decision areas, but there's probably language about consultation with your ex. At any rate, it's technically incorrect to say he has no rights, and I wouldn't put it that way to him.
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ssmom79
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I agree Renny, good idea.
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Stormi
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As I mentioned I do give him the courtesy all the time. I am not going to continue to try and be the better person when all he does is continue to verbally abuse me when I do give him that courtesy. I didn't say his opinion was not considered, but if my decsion differs it causes further arguments. His only involvement with the children is visitation and he doesn't even exercise all of that time.
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ssmom79
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I think you should always try to be the bigger person. When your ex starts talking to you that way, you tell him you are not going to be talked to in that way and when he calms down he can call you back. Then hang up the phone.
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Sherron
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"As I mentioned I do give him the courtesy all the time. I am not going to continue to try and be the better person when all he does is continue to verbally abuse me when I do give him that courtesy. I didn't say his opinion was not considered, but if my decsion differs it causes further arguments. His only involvement with the children is visitation and he doesn't even exercise all of that time. "
I guess I misunderstood, I thought you kept him informed and told him how things were going to go, including how to parent and how he is going to discipline. Maybe you can give a typical scenario of information that you share, and how it escalates from there? Right now, it sounds a little like "Johnny has a doctor's appointment on Monday"... "Well, he doesn't need to see the doctor, and I have rights"..."No you don't"... "Eff you, b"...
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gr8Dad
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As SHerron said, perhap if we had some examples. You initially stated it was legal issues, etc. Then you said it was DISCIPLINE issues (you have no standing in how he disciplines the child), now you are back to school choices, etc.
The problem is that you are making VERY broad subjects out of things that are multifaceted. For example, suppose you decided that the child had ADHD, and needed to be medicated. And suppose he is AGAINST medication for ADHD. Now as the sole legal custodian, you DO have a right to medicate the child. But he ALSO has the right to take you to court to OPPOSE that decision. And while this may be an extreme example, I assure you there are parents who have abused the "sole" custodian status and have LOST it because of that.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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M5M5
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Yes, I would still notify him of events in the child's life. In my state, the custodial parent has to notify the NCP of major decisions..it's called the NCP Bill of rights. Your state may have one as well...may want to check.
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Stormi
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The most recent situation is that my son stole my car with a friend and stole packages. We agreed that our son would be punished in both homes and go before the court and suffer the consequences the court felt appropriate. My son was not punished while with his dad and i understand i can control that at my ex's home. I guess based on the severity of the issue inexpected support since we agreed. At the hearing my ex had a change of heart and pleaded not to punish our son. I do not want my son to be under the impression it is okay for him to steal from me or anyone else and it is okay and want him to become to taught a lesson. The ex did not communicate to me about the change of heart and felt it was not necessary to discuss this prior to court. The court ultimately issued a punishment based on my recommendation d he was pissed at me. After court he began to get loud and cuss at me saying that he didn't have to discuss anything with me as he has a final say in anything pertaining to the kids. Again this is not the first time he blows up on me. All I ask is to give the same respect I give him by keeping him in the loop and us discussing issues that happen with the children as they are caught in the middle. I will continue to be the bigger person and keep him in the loop but will not continue to be verbally abused because he didn't get what he wants. I hope this helps. Thanks for all the responses.
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gr8Dad
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Okay, your son STOLE A CAR. And your biggest concern seems to be that DAD do what YOU say at his house and in front of the court. You have FAR larger issues with this child than DAD not punishing him. How often does Dad see the child?
BTW, Dad DOES have the right to address a court and punish or not punish the child during his time, and your position as "sole legal custodian" has NOTHING to do with that.
Edited by gr8Dad (01/06/12 05:53 PM)
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Stormi
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Gr8 dad thank u for your response. Yeah it is an issue that he stole my car and that is being addressed as you read. As a parent do you feel that because I chose to punish my son that I should be cussed out by his father because of my choice of punishment because he disagrees? No one said he couldn't address the court or punish or in this case lack there of. This is the first trouble he has been in and I don't want it to go any further. He visits his father every other weekend.
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gr8Dad
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Well, have you considered that using the SAME thing you are angry with him for, a differing opinion in a court of law, he could be angry with you for?
And while I agree that there should be punishment for any infraction, why are you in favor of a DOUBLE punishment? If you decided to let the courts handle it, why add your OWN punishment as well? Tell me, if you get a speeding ticket, you pay the fine, but are you also GROUNDED for it, or is the punishment of the fine enough?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Stormi
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My original question has been answered. Thanks
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Sherron
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Stormi... in the above scenario... yes, dad needed to be informed, even in hind sight and him acting like an a$$. I understand what you're saying, you're going there as the parents, you don't expect to be blindsided when you think you're on the same page. Not knowing your ex, his change of heart could have happened during the hearing, so there was no time to discuss it. That does not excuse the blow up after court, cussing you out. With you having sole legal, he is wrong by saying he has final say so, but he had a right to speak up in court and express his wishes as a parent. In cases like that, just walk away from him the best you can... I'm guessing you've reminded him often enough that you have sole legal and final decision making ability, no need to keep reminding him. Do not engage him when he gets like that, just remove yourself from the situation, whether that means hanging up the phone or walking away.
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Stormi
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Thanks Sherron. Before the cursing and arguing began I did ask when he changed his mind he said awhile ago. I asked was there a reason why he didn't contact me to discuss? His response was because he didn't want or need to. I guess that's what prompted my initial question about having to keep him in the loop on issues if he doesn't provide me the same courtesy. Again this is an ongoing thing.
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Runswithscissors
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Just my opinion.....instead of worrying about dad, what are you doing for son? I would worry more that dad may try to seek custody just base on the trouble the kid is getting into. Dad isn't your problem.....
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SRS
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You can't control what thappens in the x's home. But, you do need to get a handle on what is happening in yours.
Personally, my kid would lose EVERYTHING in his room if he did that. He'd have a bed on the floor and no door.
If I could have input on what happens in my x's home, I would make him stop relationship jumping. Moving in to whatever warm bed is free at the moment. It doesn't set a good expamle ofr our kids nor does it work with their Parochial school education.
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Stormi
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Trust me my son has lost all priviledges and trust in my home. There is nothing in his room but his bed & clothes. He goes no where unless I am with him. I am grateful to have a flexible job and was able to change my schedule where I get home with 30 minutes of him getting off the bus. It will be a long time before he sees daylight. I would just like to have the support from dad, instead of constantly fighting me.
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Stormi
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My son has lost his priviledges and is currently performing yard work in the neighborhood for free, he is also has the punishment from the court. I'm not too concerned with dad seeking custody, there are other issues(court documented)that need not be discussed that would prevent this. You are right I can't control his household. However, it makes it very difficult to teach your child that you have to suffer consequences for your actions and when he visits his dad he acts like it didn't happen and our son is able to do everything as normal. I think our kids play on that.
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Sherron
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"But, you do need to get a handle on what is happening in yours."
Not sure why people think she isn't handling it. Her concerns in the OP and what to do about her son in her home are two separate issues. This isn't a troubled teen advice board; posting her question here does not imply that she is ignoring everything else.
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Pops_IL_CP_Dad
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It's pretty simple. You aren't going to change your ex and he isn't going to change you. So, quit trying to co-parent with someone who doesn't want to co-parent. Continue on being a great parent and tune out the ex. Communicate by email and stay off of the phone. If you HAVE to discuss something with him, and, btw, you don't, your only response to him should be, "Thanks for the input." Period. Stop promoting the drama.
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Focus on what is legally relevant, not morally indignant or petty.
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