Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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SD has made her own way. I don't know how I can explain it any other way. If she wanted to party or get drunk or do whatever there was no way we could stop her. BUT she was n ot going to use a vehicle in our names to do it. Is a text 4 times a day annoying to some? Sure- to us it created peace because it was better than getting a call that she had actually left school, went to a party and used our vehicle to drop people off in while drunk. We just weren't going to let her use us to do that.
Now, as I stated before she was using the vehicle for car, school and to go out in the beginning. However, after her Mom re-entered her life for less than 1 month she started making choices that were less than acceptable again.
Right now if she gets Cs we don't pay. If she doesn't we pay. As for everything else- she does as she wants. If she takes our vehicle when she is here- then she lets us know where she is going and when she is coming back. At school, she lets us know only what we want to know. However, she has had a chance to lie and as far as I see- she hasn't.
She has an appointment with the Navy recruiter which she asked me to take her to. She plans to sign up and upon graduation go into the Navy for 4 years. I would say once she becomes informed and makes the choices she feel is best for her life...she will be well on her way.
Like a teacher, I feel that you can't treat all students the same- some respond differently. I try to adapt to each of the children. At the time, with SD we did what we thought was right- considering the circumstances. Just as we do with the other two and will continue to do. Have we made mistakes along the way? Absolutely! So far I wouldn't really change the big stuff. Some of the little stuff needs tweaking.
ETA: I think until you have a child that is going down the wrong path, one that has chosen lying, cheating and stealing over doing the right thing more times than not- you don't know what you would be willing to do. We changed our game plan. I have seen some parents here speak about putting a lock on their bedroom door, to keep their things safe. We decided, to essentially, put a lock on our vehicle. Now of course, SD had the choice to buy her own vehicle and put her own insurance on it, but she didn't do that. She could have used her work money to do so. We even offered, at that time, to get her 1/3 on top of what she had saved to do that. In the end, with her transferring to a 4 year and not needing a car while at school, she felt it was pointless to use all her money to buy and insure a vehicle.
Edited by Cassie23 (01/12/12 05:51 AM)
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Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: right here ----->
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"ETA: I think until you have a child that is going down the wrong path, one that has chosen lying, cheating and stealing over doing the right thing more times than not- you don't know what you would be willing to do"
I agree....I don't think you need to defend your decision to act in the manner you did...I was just saying, it would drive me insane..
Redd...."pucker factor"....ROFLMAO...
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Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1759
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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TERRIFIC post. And so true. You cannot control 'free will' all the time, every time. DS has already done some things he said he will tell me about when he's 18. Whatever that is, I'm sure after his sister, it won't freak me out. I've been through a lot of things most people only think about with her.
I WILL say, I've been with him or heard about his behaviors in emergencies, and he can think on his feet, not panic, and do the right thing to help people out. And the SOLE reason I bought him a car when I did is because he is WAY more responsible than his sister was at his age!
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2016
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I'm glad to hear that your SD has an appointment with the Navy recruiter. That would be awesome, and I hope it works out for her.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3051
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Speaking solely as a parent that raised two children, essentially alone -- same house, same mom, same rules -- I got one that went into the Marine Corps without giving me major heartache. I got another that chose to steal from me, lie to me, deceive me, hurt me and inflict some very severe emotional pain on me. I essentially threw him out in February of last year.
I did put locks on my bedroom doors. I did put locks on my other rooms where I didn't want him to be and on one occasion, he kicked down a door to get to the computer. He had no respect for me, no sense of remorse/regret, no feelings about how his actions hurt me.
It happens. I think that some kids simply don't want to live within the norm -- I don't think it's always bad parenting. Are the kids **bad**? I don't see it that way either -- I see it as them making one poor choice after another and unless they feel the consequences of their bad decisions? They don't know how poor their decisions are.
My youngest one got what he thought he wanted. He's out of my house. He works 2 jobs every day, he's responsible for paying his own way through life -- all his bills, his car repairs, his insurance --
Does he realize that he had it pretty darn good here? Sure he does -- does he regret what he did? I'm not sure because it got him to the end that it did, out of my house. Do I wish I'd done it sooner?
Absolutely.
I recall a long time ago, jj saying that her DH was a complete p*ssy about dealing with the kids. I'm glad to see that he's stepping up and dealing with things now -- she made a powerful point years ago when she ended their relationship, I believe in part because of his actions with his kids.
So, jj? YES all 17 year old boys think that they're invincible and their parents know nothing. I have enough friends, with enough kids, to think that it's true. My youngest? KNEW he couldn't come back to live in my home EVER. I won't allow a proven thief back in to continue to take things that I bought -- that's just stupid of ME. So, he had to handle it. He is -- good for him.
At some point, we all will have to cut bait -- and allow what will happen, to happen. Until then, we can only hope that they get smarter as they get older -- not seeing too much evidence of that actually.
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Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
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On the GPS thing...
I have two things I love with daughter.
1) GPS on her phone...
2) Shut off button I can control on phone
Her phone is set up that when it's in motion... she can't text, talk or make a call.. or surf the internet... best thing SPRINT ever came out with.
The GPS I use... because she can say she is at location A.... but I find her at Location B. Luckily she has never lied to me about where she is.... The other reason we have GPS on the phone is in the event you lose it... you can trace it back... son couldn't find his... we pinged it.. it was at the school in his locker... hubs couldn't find his.. we pinged it... it was somewhere at the house... turned out... between the cushions of the couch... LOL!
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I like the GPS for the phone, but was thinking that maybe she would leave her phone one place and go another. I do think that would be great for my kids. I also worry about children driving and texting or talking on the phone, so that sounds perfect!
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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Thank you. We will see. She seems serious about it. There is lots of questions to ask, but hopefully it works out! So far we are at $2300 in nursing books and expenses just THIS semester! EEEEKKK!!!
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Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
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LOL...G would never be seperated from her iPhone..its an appendage.
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