m2schmitty
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/12
Posts: 6
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Hello,
I just stumbled upon this website. I have not posted anything about this before so here it goes. I am going through a divorce that is going to be finalized on 1/26/2012. We separated on 9/27/2011. We had been married for 7 years and have been together for 10 years. We have 2 children.
Our marriage started out rough, she had an affair one month after we got married. I so didn't want to give up so early in the marriage that we decided to move forward. 2 years after the affair we decided to try for baby number one and he was born in 2007. From that time one, life was good (or at least I thought it was). We did a lot of home projects and spent time together as a family. In 2010, we became pregnant again and bought our "forever home." Again life went on, we were doing a lot of projects on the new house and we spent time together as a family. I was fine with the way things were.
In September, my wife came to me and told me she wanted a divorce. I was blindsided. From that point on I kept searching for an answer and begging her to try to work things out. She said that we have never had an emotional connection and that wasn't going to work for her anymore. Later I have found out that she started dating someone she works with soon after we separated (or at least, that is what she says). He now works on what was my "forever home." and is with my soon to be ex-wife.
I honestly don't know how I am going to make it through this. I am so depressed and angry. I never wanted the divorce and I was always trying to get her back. I can't stop being concerned with what she is doing and with who. I just don't want to be divorced. I feel like I will never really get over this. I started going to the gym and I cherish every moment I am with my 2 boys. That still doesn't seem to be enough for me to keep moving forward. Any advice?
Thank you,
Michael
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Pops_IL_CP_Dad
addict
Reged: 02/02/08
Posts: 406
Loc: Illinois
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Get yourself into counseling yesterday. I can't think of anyone I know who went through divorce without having some pretty extreme anger, bitterness, or depressive problems. The emotional swings will defeat you in thinking rationally about the terms of custody, parenting plans, marital settlement. Counseling will help you deal with it and will help you keep it from spilling over into your parenting.
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Focus on what is legally relevant, not morally indignant or petty.
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m2schmitty
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/12
Posts: 6
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Thank you. I am already going to counseling and we have finalized the custody, parenting plans, etc and filed the paperwork. We are just awaiting our final court date.
I just can't stop texting her and telling her how much this sucks and that I hate what she is doing and has done. I am getting better about texting her, but I still do it.
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Pops_IL_CP_Dad
addict
Reged: 02/02/08
Posts: 406
Loc: Illinois
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In Dr. Phil's words -- How's THAT working for ya? Seriously, stop playing the victim and change your focus to your kids. Every time you text her, she knows she retains power over you and oh yeah, she will use it, if she isn't already. So, when you have the urge to text / email her--write it out but don't send it. Concentrate of being the best Dad your kids could ask for.
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Focus on what is legally relevant, not morally indignant or petty.
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m2schmitty
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/12
Posts: 6
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I know...I am stupid. Hasn't the power damage arlready been done? How does it improve from here on out if I stop?
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Pops_IL_CP_Dad
addict
Reged: 02/02/08
Posts: 406
Loc: Illinois
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Think of it this way. Every time you don't text her, you take back your own power. Just try it for a few days. THEN come back and let us know how you feel.
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Focus on what is legally relevant, not morally indignant or petty.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Michael,
Things get better with time. No one can tell you how long because everyone is different. Please listen to Pops. Texting her and trying to find answers is not going to work. you've already alluded that you don't believe she started seeing this man after the separation. I'm pretty sure that you know it happened before. That means she was emotionally checked out before you even knew anything was going on. She had time to think about it and distance herself long before you did.
You will make it one day at a time. It sounds like you are doing the right things with counseling and the gym and spending every moment you can with your kids. The rest will come eventually.
I divorced almost 11 years ago. The pain is behind me and I enjoy the life i'm living now. I spent most of that time alone with my kids. I had brief relationships over the years, but until this past year had not found anyone I wanted to spend my life with. What I'm trying to say is that nothing happens overnight but you will find a new normal that works for you. Your first step has to be letting go. Hang in there and keep posting if you need to. There isn't as much traffic here as when I joined this board but there are still good people here.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Yes you are in the worst place there is right now. Trying to rationalize that your wife ended your marriage and you are trying to figure it out, save it and trying to piece it together.
as all the posters said, counseling is good, going to the gym is also good, baby steps.
One of the hardest things it to LET GO. Realize that your wife has/had checked out of the marriage, she has found someone else and hanging on to her, texting will do nothing except leave you very frustrated. As hard as it is, stop doing that, when you feel like you have to, do something else.
Focus on getting your sons through this.
Lean on friends, join a support group, go to church, do just about anything to let you inch forward.
It does get better but only if you work hard at accepting you are getting divorced.
Most of us have been through this bad spot. My X left me after almost 26 yrs together, he lied when he left, it was to go find himself but there was OW who he has no married. It was incredibly hard to accept that my spouse, the father of our children left..kicked me to the curb. I hung on way too long trying to save the marriage but the marriage was over long before he left.
Why is this other man in your family home?
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m2schmitty
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/12
Posts: 6
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Thank you all for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it. I have stopped texting her and it feels good. I had the boys over the weekend and we had a great time. I am continuing counseling and learning how to not play the victim. That one is hard, because I feel like I am the victim of divorce. I know I need to let that go and plug on with my new life. Creating a new identity as a single dad has not been easy. Fortunately, I have a good group of friends and family to lean on. I just can't wait to feel better. One thing is that I wake up every morning with anxiety and a pit in my stomach. Why? What is that from and why does it happen everyday? I go to bed feeling fine after what I think is a good day and then the next morning I feel down again. Any help?
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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First.....good forward steps! Awesome job. Second, you ARE a victim of divorce but that doesn't mean you have to play a victim. It means you can take steps to make things better (and it sounds like you have a handle on that) rather than rolling over and moaning "woe is me". Third, the pit in your stomach. That's the unknown, it's there because creating a new identity is difficult. it's there because a part of your life is still missing. I know you can't wait for things to get easier but you have to . It all takes time. The good news is that it DOES get better. The transition is faster for some people than others. There is no set amount of time. Hang on to your support systems and you'll do just fine. One day at a time!
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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m2schmitty
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/12
Posts: 6
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How do I stop thinking about my ex wife and assuming she is happy ever after in her new relationship?
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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We are all assuming she began this new relationship before the separation/divorce, even if it was only a friendship until after you moved out. If that is true, she was unfaithful emotionally, and her new partner will hold that information in the back of his mind. That can be poison that eats away at the relationship.
My ex left saying he had found his "soul-mate", and for a while they must have been very happy. But the fact that she had three failed marriages behind her (and he had two) did not bode well. She was also crazy. But it took a couple of years for my ex to realize that. At first, he just thought she was "fresh" and "spontaneous". They lasted about four years.
All was not the bed of roses he thought it would be. After they broke up he called me and spent the better part of an evening telling me all about their break-up.
There was no talk of reconciliation with me. I think I was too far out of our relationship to want it back. But he did apologize for his bad behavior. He wanted out of our marriage and used his affair to force it. He apologized that he couldn't be honest and leave the marriage for the real reason...he just didn't want to be married--to me, to his paramour, to ANYONE.
I think we all look at our ex's new relationships through rose colored glasses. But if we were a fly on the wall we'd see that at least half the problems they had with us are usually carried over--their half. And they still have to deal with those in the new relationship. So all is not as great as we think it might be.
They have learned that they can just up and leave rather than work on a relationship, so it becomes easier when something goes wrong to just do that. That's why second and third marriages have an even worse track records than first marriages. And if they never marry, the break-up is even more likely since there's no legal mess to deal with.
My best advice, though, is not to sit around and wait for this to happen. Work on yourself and use every bit of time with your boys that you've been granted...and when the time is right, fight for more. Don't relegate yourself to the victim position because no one finds that attractive.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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"I think we all look at our ex's new relationships through rose colored glasses. But if we were a fly on the wall we'd see that at least half the problems they had with us are usually carried over--their half. And they still have to deal with those in the new relationship. So all is not as great as we think it might be."
This is exactly what I was thinking, Nancy.
My x didn't leave me for someone else, but he's now been married for about 7 years (we've been divorced 11). Since his wife had nothing to do with our divorce she and I have become friends over the years. I have the unusual opportunity to know for sure that my x is very much the same as he was when he was married to me. His wife deals with his issues much better than I did, though. Even though they have a good marriage it's not the happily ever after that people probably view their x's as having. Real life takes over in ANY relationship.
How do you stop thinking about her? When we no longer have what we once did we tend to over romanticize it. She is no more perfect than she was before, things would not be different if you had another chance. (maybe for a little while but not permanately) Her new man is going to realize that she is not wonderful all the time and the longer they are together the more he will realize that.
You can't control her life, her feelings or what she does. you can only get on with your own life. It sounds like you've taken steps to do that and you may find eventually that YOU are the one who gets to live happily ever after.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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