Stumped10
recently joined
Reged: 01/28/12
Posts: 6
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I'd like to get feedback on my feeling that I shouldn't feel any moral obligation to pay for my son's college tuition (mostly because I think I already have). I think I have a reasonable viewpoint on this so what I'm looking for are any unexpected (reasonable) viewpoints that would make me consider otherwise.
Thanks for any (reasonable) replies!
Do I feel that I need to help pay for college tuition / room& board / books&supplies for my son?
-- No.
Do I feel that I need to help pay ancillary expenses like spending money for my son while in college?
-- Yes.
Circumstances
-- My parents didn't pay for my college tuition -- I had loans when I got out. This was fine with me -- it was my education and I paid for it afterwards. The point here is that I don't think this is in any way an obligation for the parents.
-- I will have paid ~$10k/yr CS for 18 years (mother and I were never married). Even when I had no income for 2 years, I still paid this -- it went on credit cards that i paid off later.
-- Son's mother has been custodial parent for 18 years (i.e., all tax benefits for 18 years).
-- Son's mother got married when he was ~3 yrs. old and they've been married for 8 yrs. Her husband is divorced and has 2 older children for which he pays an unknown amount of CS.
-- I got married when he was ~5 yrs. old and have been married for 6 yrs. I now have a 2 yr. old daughter in addition to my 11 yr. old son.
-- Both families have good salaries and live comfortably -- solidly middle class.
-- I'm 50 and am trying to save every dollar I can for retirement -- I'm way behind.
My position:
-- The CS money I pay is meant to replicate the portion of the expenses I would have paid if we were still a couple... including savings for college (summer camp, housing, clothes, etc.) Medical/dental expenses are over and above and split 50/50.
-- By the time I'm done I'll have directly paid her $180k (~$250k with any reasonable interest not including all the tax benefits).
-- My wife and I have cut back on any and all unnecessary expenses... which includes any unnecessary spending on our 2 yr. old daughter. My wife feels it's unfair to our daughter because my son still gets full payment of presumed expenses, not actual expenses but my daughter has to cut back. An expense we are not cutting back on is putting about $400/mo. in a 529 for her. Our position is that our daughter may not have as good a summer camp but she'll have college tuition.
-- My position is that my son's mother was responsible for putting some of the CS away for college tuition if she expected me to help pay for it (i.e., like I would have over the course of 18 years had we been a couple and am doing now with my wife & 2 yr. old daughter). There were enough things she could have cut back on over 18 years if she had chosen to do so and like I have to do for my 2 yr. old.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7806
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In short, NCP or CP - if you don't 'want' to pay for college and you don't have a court order ordering you to pay for college, then you don't have to pay.
Your reasons...to me...are just fluff.
I don't agree any part of CS is for college savings unless specified in a CO.
I'm in FL. There isn't any college stipulations my Hubby's CO. So hubby and his ex will decide what they put in college. At this point when CS ends, BM won't be able to afford college. So hubby will pay for college. It works for us. So look to your CO first...are you ordered to pay?
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9400
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CS is not intended to be saved for college.
However, if you live in a state that does not mandate that you pay for your child's college, then don't do so. Your call.
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Renny
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Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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I think you do have a moral obligation to support your son through college and beyond to the extent you can afford it, and quite apart from the state-mandated cs. I don't agree with your argument that the cs should have been saved for college.
Your best argument for not paying for his college is that you have been scrupulously fair about allocating your resources to your children and can't afford it. But what about the 529 account for your daughter? What prevented you from doing the same for your son?
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M5M5
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Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11736
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I don't agree that the CS you paid was intended for college savings. Unless specified in a CO that part of it was for that.
The rest? I agree that you do not have a moral or any other kind of obligation to pay your son's college unless you want to (or unless you have a court order telling you to). I don't agree with parents being forced to pay for their adult child's college education. Period.
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Stumped10
recently joined
Reged: 01/28/12
Posts: 6
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ssmom79 -- sorry, don't know what "NCP or CP" means. For the other part, there's no court order... we've never had a legal agreement other than an informal agreement between the two of us.
Renny -- totally couldn't afford to do so until now. Assets just breaking above $0 in the last 2 years. Enough to just afford the downpayment on a house.
Ok, thanks for the input so far. I've read a few of your other posts so I think small group may present a good cross-section.
In short, it's not a basis for a reasonable argument.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3158
Loc: SC
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Here's a different perspective: I would rather see whatever $ you planned to allot to his ancilliary spending put into college expenses. If he needs cash for non-school expenses he can get a job or work study. It won't kill him to work during college; it will teach him time management and something about dealing with the real world.
If you feel that the cs money wasn't allotted properly to his future college expenses, and that was was money you HAD to pay? How annoyed will you be when he takes the $ you give him just because you can, and he blows it on his college social life? Beer, toys, etc?
He'll only have his own willpower to keep him on the straight and narrow if you throw $ at him for living expenses. Its not like he'd have any obligations to meet that would keep his non-study time occupied.
Do YOU trust him to use your $ wisely? Does he already have $ management experience?
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Sadie
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 567
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I dont blame you. My dh has paid his cs faithfully and once sd turns 18 and graduates, the ATM closes.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I actually agree on most points, but it shouldn't really matter IMO. No parent, I believe, should be forced or made to feel as though they HAVE to contribute to their child's college education.
My H paid well over $200k in the years he paid CS for his daughter. A big chunk of those years he was paying over $1100/monthly. Once their daughter turned 18 she did move into our household. We paid for her college tuition for the first two years, but that is because we could afford to. You should NEVER put your child's college education BEFORE your retirement or the needs of the other children in your home. We do receive a small amount of CS on a monthly basis from her Mom because she is now the NCP (non cust. parent) and the CO is through NYS which allows CS through the age of 21. We also give about $30/month for college expenses (printing mostly) and $30 cash for spending. We were contributing about $80/month for extras but have cut that to $0 since at the end of the this past semester her meal plan at school had an overage. Essentially this past semester we have paid about $8k in cash towards her college education. After this year she will be in her final 2 years in which she will be mostly responsible for. The reasoning behind this is because we have given her 2 years of paid college and want to be able to do that for our children (who are 2 and 3 years away from graduating HS themselves). We need to be able to give to each as equally as possible- so the money we have will go to pay off their first two years. We also plan on swinging our extra monies towards a move down south- if the Lord allows. My step child is looking to join the Navy to pick up some of the college costs (she can join now they pay her a bonus and stipend if she signs to give three years after graduation as a nurse). She is also in the process of becoming a RA at the college which will pay for her room and board (which is HALF of the $20k yearly tuition).
Hopefully your child will look into scholarships (locally- at school and in the community), through the college he plans to attend and online. You shouldn't feel bad about your decision if you feel it is the best decision for you and your family CURRENTLY.
Our thought is that AFTER ALL our children graduate college if we can afford to- we will gift them with paying off their student loans. Each child needs to have a financial stake in their education. Believe me my SD didn't first semester and her grades started to tank...once we said we will only pay for As and Bs and you need to pay for all books...the "financial" part hit home for her too.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I would rather see whatever $ you planned to allot to his ancilliary spending put into college expenses. If he needs cash for non-school expenses he can get a job or work study. It won't kill him to work during college; it will teach him time management and something about dealing with the real world.
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AGREE 100%. Even if it is $1000 you can pay the school DIRECTLY. We give SD very little cash- enough for a few things or a pizza every other weekend. When it's YOUR money they are more apt to spend it on whatever they want. When it is their money they are more likely to save it. As JJ suggested it will help with their time management/spending in regards to the real world.
We do, since SD does not have a job currently, pay for toiletries and things like that during the school year.
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