tink2525
recently joined
Reged: 12/27/11
Posts: 2
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Every year as we approach the end of year holiday season, my 28 year old son gets anxious about the how/when/where holiday parties, dinners, etc. I left his abusive dad 12 years ago, and every holiday season I have to endure my son's angry tirades about how I destroyed his life. He misrepresents a lot of the events that occurred at the time and just makes me out to be the "bad guy", because I was the one who left. He resents having to divide his time between the two of us and wants us all to be able to have holiday celebrations together. In the past it has failed mostly because his dad is resentful and does not show up to dinners or parties even after agreeing that he would come. My son often insists that I should be the one to invite his dad. Last year I agreed to do that, even though I did not feel that it was my place, having divorced him for serious reasons. He never showed up, and this year I told my son that after 12 years his dad needed to be able to move on and that it was not up to me to invite him to holiday events. My son became very irate this year, cursing and screaming at me that he never had a chance to work through things, even though we have talked the subject to death over the past 12 years. Usually it ends in him becoming extremely angry and losing his temper.
I really feel that after 12 years he should find a way to cope with his feelings and learn to move on and leave all the frustration and bitterness behind. He now has a girlfriend with whom he lives and they will eventually get married. He has a bad temper and apparently has screaming matches with her as well. I believe that he has other issues that cause him to blow up like this, but there is no way that I could say that to him. He feels that in order to work things out, everything goes, and everybody should be able to express themselves as they see fit, including cursing, screaming and spewing insults at his mother. It seems to me that he has anger issues that need to be addressed with counseling and/or medication. I have two other adult sons who disagree with his take on the situation, and neither one ever talks to him because he is very cynical and hateful with them.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any ideas?
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30354
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Yeah, he's 28, when he yells at you, kick him out of your house. He is a MAN, and about time to act LIKE a adult.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Have to agree with what gr8dad said -- it seems as if your son has learned his abusive behavior at the hands of his father and is choosing to attempt to solve things using behavior that his father may have modeled.
Son or not, you made the best decision you could when you ended your marriage. It's now your choice as to whether you continue to accept his behavior towards you -- speaking solely for myself? I've dealt with this issue -- not to this extreme, not at all. However, I made it clear to the son that spoke to me in an abusive, rude manner that if he EVER chooses to speak to me that way again, then he needn't come around until he can learn to keep a civil tongue in his head.
He knows I meant it too -- when I had to ask him to leave my home earlier this year, I put my foot down and made certain rules for myself that I haven't broken -- he's an adult and needs to learn how to treat me.
Your son is overstepping his bounds and I think guilt is permitting you to allow it. He can't hide behind his abusive behavior forever -- but he can if you permit it.
Stop permitting it.
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tink2525
recently joined
Reged: 12/27/11
Posts: 2
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gr8Dad and BeachBabeRN, thank you for your input. You are absolutely right. We didn't speak for weeks after this incident, and yesterday we finally got together and discussed the situation. I made it clear that I was not going to put up with any of that kind of abuse, and during the conversation it became clear to me how little awareness he has of the impact of his behavior on other people. I was able to bring up the fact that he is following in his father's footsteps and the possibility that he needed counseling or medication to bring his temper under control. He thinks he can fix it himself, but we all know how well that works. At this point I am distancing myself as much as possible, because I feel that the trust that we had has been broken, and I no longer feel comfortable being as close to him as I used to be.
We did not really have a breakthrough during our conversation, but as you said, BeachBabeRN, he can't hide behind his abusive behavior forever, and I certainly will not permit it to happen again.
Thank you for your support.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Tink,
Perhaps if you were more honest with yourself, your son, and us about how much money you screwed his father out of, we might be able to offer better advice.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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