meganb
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I posted this on the Child Custody board, but thought I'd post it here also since it does have to do with step familys also.
I have thought hard about posting this, and have even talked to a few posters here about posting this. This has been something that has been building up for almost a year,and I didnt know how people would react to something like this as I've never seen anything like this here, but it all came to ahead Thursday and I just need to talk about it.
This is not about me, but a very close family member.
Here are some background facts because I know there will be questions.
BM and BD were married and divorced when their son was 2 years old. BM married again within 6 months and before the son was 3. BD started dating and moved in with GF after a year. BD and GF got married after living together for 7 years and are still married. BM and SD were married for 12 years and divorced last year. BM remarried within 3 months and is now planning on moving out of state with her new husband.....but is leaving her son behind.
He is now almost 16. He has stated that he want's to live with his SD#1 and BM is all for this. BD told his son he wanted him to live with him and the son told him he would run away or make his fathers life a living h#ll if he didnt go along with what he wanted.
Now for how custody was. When the BM and BD divorced they agreed to 50/50. True 50/50, no CS and no carrying clothes back and forth, each home had everything that was needed. When the son was around 11 there was a custody fight and the BD finally gave in and agreed to EOWE and CS. This was not the order of the court but was worked out between the parents, stepparents, the child and a court appointed Dr of Psychiatry. All envolved had sessions alone, then as a group. The Dr had suggested keeping things as they where at that time, but the son stated to the BD what he would do if that came to pass so the BD gave in and agreed to what the BM and son wanted.
Now fast forward and the BM went and signed all her rights over to the SD#1 and agreed to pay him 1/2 child support and the BD would pay the other half. The BD has mixed feelings on this. He knows and understands that his son is close to SD#1, that it really messed with his sons head when the BM and SD divorced. The SD#1 has remarried and the son was in the wedding, they are that close. But he wanted his son to live with him, but the son would hear none of this and made his threats as to what he would do if forced to do this.
So they went before the judge this past week.....what would you have done if you had been the BD? Would you ever agree to allowing your child to live with a former spouse or agree to signing over all rights to that former spouse? Would you as a mother or father give full custody to a stepparent? Would you give in to what your child wanted or force them to live with you and take the chance of them running off or even worse?
I will give the outcome later.
Thanks for reading, I know this was long and I did leave out alot there was no way I could have posted everything, but I will try to answer any questions.
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Cassie23
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I don't think you told us how far away SF and BD live from one another? I understand that S16 wants to live with SF, but I still don't know the difference in distance, just that BM is moving away.
I am asking because I wonder if S16 wants to live with SF because his school and home are there? I know that you stated the parents had a true 50/50 for some time, but I don't know if that is because they were miles apart, but in the same school district or miles apart but only a neighboring town away?
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meganb
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The BD and SF live about 10 miles apart. The BM is moving 5 states away. Where the BD lives the schools are county, the SF lives in the city. The son is in the city school and has been for the last year. BD offered to pay the tuition for the son to still go to the city school.
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Cassie23
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The Dr had suggested keeping things as they where at that time, but the son stated to the BD what he would do if that came to pass so the BD gave in and agreed to what the BM and son wanted.
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That was at age 11. Seems like son got what he wanted then and assumes he could do the same now. I don't think in all good conscience that I could allow my son to live with his step parent when there doesn't seem to be any other reason than he just wants to. Given that they live close enough the child could see the SF on the weekends or whatnot. I wouldn't give my permission as his father, out of curiosity though, does the son have behavioral issues? Do you see him following through in his threat?
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Gecko
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Honestly...not enough information:
- Why the custody battle when the child was 11?
- What is the current relationship between father and son?
- Why does son want to live with former step-father?
- How does the step-father feel about all of this?
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finz
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I have to ask.....What dating services are all of these people using that they all got married again so quick ?
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I think if all of the adults truly feel that the 16 would do best with SD#1, that would be a remarkable gift for the BM and BD to agree to this.
My biggest concern is that the way this has been presented (and I understand you are trying to condense A LOT of info) is that this kid seems to think demanding what he wants on something so major, and backing it up with threats, is okay behavior. I'd feel better about this plan if his approach with his BD was "I love you, and want to see you frequently, but I really want to finish school with my friends and SD has been a great SD."
If he feels more of a 'dad' bond with SD rather than BD, I think that would be a bitter pill for BD to swallow, but I think that's a better reason than SD is more lenient or more generous with money or something like that.
I really don't get BM's position in this. I understand sometimes a family has to move for the good of the whole family, but if I had a 16 yo (and I do), I would do anything in my power to stay put for 2 more years and finish raising him. Obviously, I don't know the whole story here, but at face value, I'm going with sounds like the kid would be better off with SD than with his BM.
Is anyone thinking about college/career in all of this ?
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meganb
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*****out of curiosity though, does the son have behavioral issues? Do you see him following through in his threat?*****
Yes Cassie, the boy does have behavioral issues, he was kicked out of 4th grade and was moved to a school for troubled children for the rest of that school year, and then the parents changed schools at the beginning of the next school year.
Do I see him following through with his threats....maybe, I've know this young man since he was 2-3 and yes I could.
He's the type that could do no wrong and it came back to bite the BM and BD big time as he grew older.
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meganb
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*****I really don't get BM's position in this. I understand sometimes a family has to move for the good of the whole family, but if I had a 16 yo (and I do), I would do anything in my power to stay put for 2 more years and finish raising him. Obviously, I don't know the whole story here, but at face value, I'm going with sounds like the kid would be better off with SD than with his BM.
Is anyone thinking about college/career in all of this ?*****
Yes the SD#1 wanted it put in the papers that the BM and BD would both help with college...The BM flat out said no and the BD said he would help but as things stood now that there was no way that the child could get into any college. The SD#1 told them both to forget it and he would take care of it.
The BM has stated that he is better off where he is and it's now her time to live her life. I really think he's to much for her to handle plus her new husband and the son have never even tried to bond...so she picked husband #3.
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meganb
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- Why the custody battle when the child was 11?
To be frank...mostly lies, which were proven in court. But the BD felt at that time it would be better to give in to what the boy claimed to want at that time.
- What is the current relationship between father and son?
It's rocky at best, when the son wants something he calls or comes to see the BD and ask for it. Really he is closer to his SM than his BD. The BD has always been the type that money takes care of any problem and this has rubbed off on the child. So when the child wants something he comes to visit, when not they dont see or hear from him.
- Why does son want to live with former step-father?
He is closer to him than he is to either of his parents. He always had a bond with his SD#1 and the SM (BD's wife) and he is close to the SD#1 wife also.
- How does the step-father feel about all of this?
The SD#1 felt this would be the best for the boy. He and the BD's wife were the ones who really cared or tryed to care for this boy. The bond between the SD#1 and the boy is very strong.
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javajunkiee
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"The BM has stated that he is better off where he is and it's now her time to live her life. I really think he's to much for her to handle plus her new husband and the son have never even tried to bond...so she picked husband #3. "
Holy Crap. I just found our BM's clone. Nothing substantive to add, but the similarities in situations just made me do a double take.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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meganb
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Sad to say but BM has always put herself first, and BD tried, but only in the wrong way and when he tried to be a father instead of a friend things went down hill fast.
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meganb
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I have to leave for work now, I will check back in tonight and answer any questions then.
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MrsB
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Wow. I cannot imagine a) giving up my rights to my own child and moving 5 states away from him, and b) handing over all rights to the stepparent.
Since the son and SF are so close - I would absolutely support visitation and an ongoing positive relationship. However, I can't imagine, if I were the BD, allowing the stepdad to have full custody. However I can also see the problems of forcing a 16 year old, just 2 years away from adulthood, to live with someone, even if it's the bioparent, that he isn't as close with and doesn't want to live with...I suppose I would look at it as the stepdad being similar to a biodad - and the child is old enough to choose who he lives with, if it were between BM and BD...
This is a tough one for sure. Haven't read all the responses yet - but those are my first thoughts.
I really just cannot imagine giving up my rights to my child. I'm glad that boy has a dad and stepdad who love him and are wanting and willing to remain in the child's life.
I do think it is awesome the bioparents are respecting the child's wishes - and God bless stepdad for taking on the parental role in all of this.
I think if all are on board - it's a positive outcome for the boy. My main issue is with mom. Handing over her rights and moving 5 states away. Blech.
Edited by MrsB (02/13/12 09:29 AM)
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Debi
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It sounds like the biggest issue is the kid. He has obviously never been told what to do and had any follow through. I want to say if I had been dad I'd have had told him "too freaking bad. You're going to do what i tell you" , except the more I think about it the more I'm thinking if he does that he will have to reap the consequences and they ain't going to be pretty from a kid who's had no discipline. He's 16, might as well let him got to SF's now.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Tweeby
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How is the son doing in school? Is BD correct that the kid is not doing well enough to go to college?
Seems as if BD was willing to pay for college but only if his son was willing to work for it. Not uncommon to have 'strings' attached when paying or helping with college costs.
Seems that the family has made the decision already from past incidences, the son will be living with the SD#1 because the son has been calling the shots for a while now. I just hope that the son is getting some counseling on how to deal with his Mom leaving and not wanting to live with his BD.
If it was presented differently than it would be more of a positive rather than the teen dictating on what he wants. Instead of presenting his wishes logically and in an adult manner he went with the threats or stating he will throw a 'tantrum' if he doesn't get what he wants.
I wouldn't be able to just up and move away from my kids at this age. I have a 15 and a 16 yo. They still need a lot of my guideance and help so I couldn't see moving away from them.
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meganb
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Tweeby,you came close to hitting the nail on the head. The boy is not doing that great in school his average is Ds that's what the BD meant when saying that the boy couldnt get into collage at the rate he was going.
He does threw tantrums...that's what caused the custody battle when he was 11. He pushed the BD, and did someother things, the BD took his belt off and smacked him across his behind. He went to school the next day, told the teacher that his father had beat him and that he was scared for his life (there were not any marks or for that matter red marks) The BM was called she filed charges...It went to court and the Judge told the BM, BD and son that in our state there is a hit "zone" from the waist to the knees, that a belt could be used but not the buckle, that a hand could be used, that a switch ect. He even told them that it sounded as though the child had needed that for a long time. All of that lead to the battle for custody.
I too could not move and leave my child, but she made the choice and the BD went back and forth not sure what to do.
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meganb
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You nailed it Debi, the BD was worried as to what his life, his wifes life and their childs life would be. What the child really would do if "forced" to live with them.
It is both the BM and BD faults for never being parents, never disciplined him. The SD#1 and SM tried the most to lay down rules and consequences for his actions, that's why I think he cares more for them than his bio parents.
Living with his SD he's been told what will happen if he doesnt live by his rules and he agreed to do as SD#1 wanted, only time will tell
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meganb
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JL, it would be hard, but the BM and BD both signed over custody to the SD. He now has full custody with the BD having parenting time EOWE and 2 weeks in the summer. The BM and BD will each pay the SD 1500 each to go towards his first car and each will pay a equal amount of CS.
Now the BD is second guessing this and is thinking about going to court which the son knows about and has told him in no uncertain terms that he would not live with him. This child called all the shots when small and still does. It really is a sad story.
I hope it works out with the SD, he is very, very close to him and has blamed his BM for the divorce.
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Cassie23
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The BM and BD will each pay the SD 1500 each to go towards his first car and each will pay a equal amount of CS.
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Why would ANY parent give $1500 towards a car equally for a child who is a D student?
Why sign over custody? That's what I don't get. He could still have stayed in his Dad's custody and lived at SF's house. I wouldn't have done it personally- I think SF should have offered to have his SS every weekend or every other, but should have told his SS he NEEDS to live with his father. Since SS and SF have such a good relationship maybe he would have listened to him.
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meganb
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Cassie, for the SD to add the child to his insurance he had to have full custody. I know it's a bunch of crap. But the BM refused to pay for insurance for him and she just quit her job where she had it. The BD offered to pay half for insurance with BM paying half but she refused. I know it's not a good enough reason. But it is what it is.
As for the car...there is no way I myself would put that child in a car for many many reasons. But that is what they all agreed to.
What it comes down to and this is what I think, he was to much for mom to handle, she wanted her freedom and with her new husband working out of state she saw this as her out. The BD wanted to do something but the threats where enough to to send up red flags.
The boy got what he wanted. period
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MrsB
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Now the BD is second guessing this and is thinking about going to court which the son knows about and has told him in no uncertain terms that he would not live with him. This child called all the shots when small and still does. It really is a sad story.
--Sounds like it! What an odd story...I do hope it turns out good for everyone involved.
Does the son ever see/talk to BM?
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finz
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It sounds like the boy is with the best parental figure now. He's got a lot of issues to overcome....good luck to SD#1 trying to help him grow up to being a decent man.
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MrsB
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True, finz.
And people say steps can't love stepchildren like their own or be strong role models in their lives - this story definitely proves it can and does happen!
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meganb
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*****Does the son ever see/talk to BM?*****
As of now, yes he is still living with her, he spent all weekend packing and getting ready to move to his SD's house. She is not leaving till the last weekend of this month and I dont know if he will stay there till then or not.
To be honest he eat's her up to her face but when at his BD's he talks about how she doesnt care for him, doesnt have time for him ect, and I would bet he does the same about his BD while with his mom.
And to be honest in my heart I know he's with the best parent, I mean that. The SD has always been there for him. I'm waiting though for the other shoe to drop when he threws one of his fits there co's I know the SD and his wife will not put up with it. I really do respent both of them 100% and wish them and him nothing but luck. His new wife is a teacher also and I'm hoping that she will change how he views school.
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Debi
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I agree it's both of their fault that he didn't have discipline. I'm shocked that it took going to court for someone to say that dad did not abuse him.
A few years ago my oldest D told a police officer that she was afraid to go home with me. (This is after the police were called because she and some friends were playing with lighters behind a building and someone saw them) The officer told her that he would be afraid too after having the police called and to remember first of all that "if" I smacked her @ss (yes he said that) it was called parental privledge, not abuse, and second if it got out of hand she could always call them, but it would take 15-20 minutes for them to get there and I could do a whole lot more damage in that amount of time. He also told her if he had to pick her up and carry her home he would, but if he hurt his back in the process she'd be a whole lot more afraid of him than me. She came with me.
I hate to say it but I think at 16 his personality is pretty much formed. He's not going to be afraid of his parents now or ever, and the BD has probably made the best decision for the rest of his family. I do feel sorry fo rthe kid. Not so much for what's going on now, but for what he really needed and didn't get about 10 years ago.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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elliesmom
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It sounds like the SD is the closest thing to a parent this kid has. His mother has abandoned him out of selfishness and his father checked out years ago when he let an 11 yo make adult decisions. Too late now to try and tell him he can't make a choice about where he lives. Dad probably is now realizing the fruits of his inaction are quite bitter - but that doesn't mean it's the wrong place for his kid to be.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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