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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 279
perhaps an odd topic here - how to stay married
      #773786 - 01/11/12 08:33 AM

Greetings and happy new year to all.
I have what I suppose is an "unusual" topic for this site. As anyone who has been around for a long time knows, I have always been opposed to divorce. The fact that I do realize that someone who doesn't love you perhaps "needs" to be free of you doesn't help as much as I would like, but I do "get" it now -- only took a decade!

But, to the point -- does anyone have any good advice to give to someone who is thinking and talking about divorce -- to get him/her to perhaps think things through more, to think about the young children who will be ultimately affected? Any good website, sources, spiritual or otherwise? A close friend of mine has a grown child who is now contemplating divorce (male). She is still happily married (40+ years) and can't bear what is happening. She has asked my opinion and I'm somewhat of a loss (since I couldn't keep my marriage together, but I'm the only person she actually knows well who is divorced and has seen the"other" side of life, so to speak).

Other than the usual litany of how many people get hurt, try counseling, go talk to a religious/spiritual person, be supportive and listen, try to explain without being angry, etc, I don't have much concrete advice to offer since I tried several things (all of the above) and it didn't work for me.

Anyone have any ideas? Any and all suggestions would be appreciated.

The second part of my question is a personal one for me -- do you think anyone other than the two people involved can really stop a divorce? My friend thinks she can; deep down, I don't think anyone can. Just wondering what all of you think?

In the meantime, hope all is well with all of you and yours.

Take care, Bacall

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Reged: 01/14/12
Posts: 3
Re: perhaps an odd topic here - how to stay married [Re: bacall]
      #774273 - 01/14/12 02:12 PM

No ideas at all, actually.
I think some people just have voices in their heads that tell them what to do.
Ten years ago things were good and now that we have kids they're no longer good and you want to split?
I'm especially annoyed when kids are involved; there ought to be rules about this, but there won't be...

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Reged: 07/29/11
Posts: 10
Re: perhaps an odd topic here - how to stay married [Re: The_Wizard]
      #774567 - 01/16/12 07:02 PM

This sounds crazy but you just do it. I hear all the time how hard it is to divorce. Well use that power for good. If that don't work try something else, don't be a victim be a hero. I don't care who you are, the one you are with is not the best one for you(bear with me). Don't be fooled, there is always someone better for you and when you meet someone better, there is someone better, somewhere. So what i'm trying to say is never give up on the one you have. Decide in your heart that "I will make this work". Now the catch, adultery, physical abuse and abandonment(I consider abandonment physically gone) are the only grounds of "To much to handle"

I'm wondering what other posters think are grounds for divorce?

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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2111
Loc: New York
Re: perhaps an odd topic here - how to stay married [Re: voltage]
      #774755 - 01/18/12 10:44 AM

Well, I'd have to add emotional or psychological abuse, too. In common terms, "Gaslighting" after the movie of that name. Where a spouse has separated their partner from all normal relations and begins psychologically creating abnormal thoughts in their heads driving them to insanity.

I'm sure the extreme form of this is pretty rare, but I saw a lesser form in my marriage...spouse who didn't socialize with my friends and tried to get me to drop them; moved us hundreds of miles away from family and long-term friends; segued his comic publishing business to soft core and tried to get me to work with him saying it was a family business; wanted an open marriage so he could play around and tried to barter the continuance of our marriage with that knowing I wanted the marriage to survive for the sake of our children. Yep, he played around with my head for a few years.

As another poster commented, at some point it becomes bad modeling for your children. While I never want my children to look at divorce as an easy way out, I also don't want them to think they have to stay in a really bad situation. Yes, give it your best shot, go to counseling, forgive your spouse if they've done wrong and are truly sorry, or find what's missing in yourself that makes the marriage lackluster. But when the worst happens, when things are really bad or a spouse ups and leaves, I also want them to know that there is more to life than that marriage.

Edited by NancyD (01/18/12 10:51 AM)

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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: perhaps an odd topic here - how to stay married [Re: bacall]
      #776915 - 02/06/12 02:35 PM

Pretty simple, really. The way to stay married is to either create an incentive for the woman to stay in the marriage, or remove a guy's incentive to leave.

Cheating is how most marriages get in trouble, don't see an easy way to remove that incentive since both men and women participate.

A woman's incentive to file divorce can easily be removed, simply remove the easy money she gets...

Marriage hasn't changed much in the last 2000 years, the reason divorce rates are skyrocketing is because divorce law gives such rich rewards to women who exit the marriage. Divorce is way less likely in cultures and countries where divorce law does not award the woman money she did not earn.

"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2030
Loc: MO Ozarks
Re: perhaps an odd topic here - how to stay married [Re: bacall]
      #777668 - 02/14/12 07:00 PM

I have to agree with you. The only ones who can stop a divorce, if at all, are the two most intimately involved in it. It can only work when both desire it.

During my divorce almost two decades ago I was determined to leave no stone unturned to try to save the marriage. Nothing worked but I've been able to forever-after look back on it and honestly say, "No regrets!" I did my best to rectify things but that and more wouldn't, in the final analysis, have helped at all, and didn't.

Advice? Do the best you can but at the same time, know when to let go and let it happen.

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