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JF31
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Reged: 02/20/12
Posts: 4
stbx wife wants 3rd party communication
      #778002 - 02/20/12 05:19 AM

First some background. I am in the beginning stages of divorce and the court issued temporary orders for custody and child support. My stbx wife did her best to limit my time with the kids as much as possible. She wanted absolutely no overnights. They are ages 7,7 and 9 and her plan was for wed 3:30-7pm and every Saturday 10-6 and e/o sunday 1-6 pm. It was crazy and the judge actually rolled his eyes when her lawyer was saying this was in our kids best interest.

In the end I got them 50% of the time which according to my lawyer this judge hands it out pretty freely when requested. The judge also approved my req to take the kids on vacation to FL for 8 days next month (spring break) to visit my family against the strong objections of the stbx. In addition the judge said that both of us could have 2 weeks uninterrupted vacation time during the summer. Holidays are split equally.

The stbx wife about had a heart attack. She she was so upset. I hated that she tried to turn into a control freak and was like this is it take or leave it. Needless to say she left court totally defeated.

I want to be up front and say that the reason my stbx is so bitter is because I had an affair and filed for divorce. I left her not the kids. I wish I did not have the affair that was the cowards way out but I do not want to be married to her. For that I should be punished and she attempted to use the kids to do that and I guess lucky for me the court saw through her and prevented that.

The stbx has come up with a new way to annoy me and bring a total stranger to me into our discussion regarding the kids. She sent me this long letter which I will spare you. The short version is that she will no longer communicate with me and then sent me this email of a total stranger who will handle communication for us. She said the only way she will have contact with me is if I repent and want to reconcile. Until then its no contact for life. At first I laughed wondering if it was some sort of joke. I don't want to reconcile. That will be a cold day in hell. We do have 3 children that we share custody of and we need to communicate for their sake. I don't want to be her friend and I have absolutely no problem making it about the kids and divorce only. In fact I prefer it that way.

I absolutely refuse to go through this 3rd party contact who is a total stranger. I talked to my lawyer and he said to continue to email her anything regarding the kids. For now all we can do is document her refusal to communicate and slowly build a case so I can get sole legal custody should I choose to go that route.

Has anyone dealt with this crazy tactic? All 3 kids play sports and we attend all their games. I don't know how her no contact for life plan will work. I think she has gone insane.


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LexieBelle
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Reged: 11/07/10
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778004 - 02/20/12 06:57 AM

Honestly? I think you're kinda being a douche..still. You're not even divorced yet, you're with someone else and yeah, she's PISSED and RIGHTFULLY SO!

And yes, when you leave when you have kids? You LEAVE THE CHILDREN.

You sound like a selfish prick to me but notwithstanding that, she needs some time to adjust. Seriously. You've turned HER life upside down, betrayed her in the worst way a man can betray a woman.. try a little compassion for the feelings YOU CREATED.


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Tweeby
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778008 - 02/20/12 08:18 AM

Follow your lawyers advice. Keep open the lines of communication your way and make sure you hve proof of what you been sending her by e-mail.

Haven't reall heard about only going through a thrid person for communication epsecially about children for a long peroid of time. If it is done the go between usually are the lawyers or perhaps a GAL.

You don't have to talk in person to each other just yet, written communication by a letter mail or e-mail should be fine. In time you may be able to talk over the phone about the info regarding the children.

I will give a bit of personal advice, if your still with the 'other woman' don't have her (the OW) around your children or your stbex especially during the exchanges. Hopefully in time your stbex will be able to get past the raw emotions that she is going through and the two of you can be at least civil to each other. Try to do your part in her healing by not throwing up that you cheated at every turn by having the OW around right now.


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ssmom79
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778009 - 02/20/12 09:01 AM

I hardly think she's gone insane. In fact, you should really take a step back and look at the big picture. You had an affair, you left your wife, you made some really big life changes for your family and that can really take a toll on members of the family, including your STBX.

When parents cannot speak to each other or deal with each other, a third party is sometimes involved to assist with communication. Yes I've heard of this, and no I don't think it's a crazy tactic. I do see it as a benefit to parties who cannot communicate.

I mean, to put it bluntly, you cheated on your spouse and left her, then you came in and took 50% of the time with the children. She's lost her husband and lost her children and is probably feeling very broken. She will probably have difficulty for a long time putting that behind her. That's the cards you deal when you play a cheater's game.

I'm sure her tactic is such temporary while she copes with the loss of her family. I'm not saying it's justified, I'm saying consider the reason behind the request and see if there is anything you can do to accommodate the request. If there isn't a way, then follow the advice of your attorney.


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javajunkiee
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778021 - 02/20/12 01:28 PM

" I think she has gone insane. "

Funny, that's probably how she feels about you.

Just because you've moved on and have your emotions all neatly packaged about your actions, doesn't mean SHE is in the same frame of mind. She likely can't stomach the sight of you right now, so having a 3rd party involved is less stressful for her.

Now if the 3rd party is some amateur trying to play good Samaritan, I wouldn't agree to the arrangement. As suggested by another person, having a GAL or an atty act as the 3rd person would be a better solution. They can act impartially and not get caught up in the emotions on either side.

Seriously... you couldn't manage YOUR emotions well enough to STAY married and work through whatever the issues were, but you think she's gone insane because she's having a hard time dealing with the emotional fallout of YOUR actions?

If you can't find a way to have some compassion, at least try to find a way to not be such a hypocrite.

--------------------
Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.


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Debi
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778022 - 02/20/12 02:12 PM

Attempting to have a 3rd party involved for communication is not a good idea on her part and will likely backfire. I agree she's irrational. I can't say i wouldn't be.

I would hope that if you are any kind of man at all you will try to understand how she feels in all of this. You had an affair. You left and as someone else said your emotions are all wrapped up in a neat little package. She will get over you, she will get over the divorce. Heck she will probably thank you one day. Today is not that day and it's not likely it will be coming any time in the near future.

I agree with your attorney that you should continue to e-mail her as needed regarding the kids and the divorce, and maybe instead of thinking of how you can use this against her in the future, you should give her time to come to terms with everything that is going on. Eventually she will return to being a rational person.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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JF31
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Reged: 02/20/12
Posts: 4
Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: Debi]
      #778029 - 02/20/12 03:17 PM

I know I did not end my marriage the right way. Believe me I know that. I have heard it from everyone. My stbx told everyone who would listen including my family. My family was on her side until she tried to restrict my time with the kids. That stunt caused her to loose a lot of support even from members of her own family. I should have left her before the affair. My bad.

As I said before I left HER, NOT the kids. As far as the "other woman" goes we are no longer together. I do not want to be in a relationship with anybody. Also my parents said the "other woman" would never step foot in their house. I made some stupid decisions but I never brought the "other woman" around my kids and she will not have any involvement with the kids. I hurt two women very deeply. I know I suck and I am the first to admit both are better off without me. I am concentrating on the kids and looking forward to the single life.

Now back to the more important issue regarding 3rd party communication. This 3rd party sent me an email communication from my stbx regarding sporting events of our kids. In it she proposes that during my custody week I will attend the practices/games and during her custody week I not attend and she won't attend during my custody week. That is not gonna happen. I cannot believe she would miss sporting events so as not to have to look at me.

It gets even better. On wed she is supposed to get the kids after school and return them to me by 7 pm. She now proposes that she keeps them the night and she will return them to school and I do the same thing during her custody week. To make a change like this on our court ordered custody agreement we should be using lawyers or at least discuss it via email but she is using this stranger 3rd party.

Should I even say anything to this 3rd party. Like mind your own business or not respond at all?? i'm at a loss here. I never expected the ex to act like this especially when we share custody.


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Miranda
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778030 - 02/20/12 03:24 PM

Should I even say anything to this 3rd party. Like mind your own business or not respond at all?? i'm at a loss here. I never expected the ex to act like this especially when we share custody.

*****************

I am sure she never expected you to act the way you did either.

You are not in agreeance to the third pary communicator, which IMO is a really dumb idea, so just state that to your stbx, the 3rd party, and your lawyer. Unless there is a court order to do so, you don't have to communicate with anyone.

Technically, once you lawyer up you two should be going thru your respective lawyers for everything.

I had 50/50 custody of an infant/toddler with my ex. We did straight Sunday night exchanges. I personally don't like mid week interruptions. Without a court order, she cannot stop you from attending your kids' practices and games...I think she is streching with that!!

--------------------
13.1...because I am only half crazy!


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Tweeby
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778031 - 02/20/12 03:25 PM

Personally if it was me I wouldn't respond to the 3rd party but forward it to your lawyer.

Yeah your ex is hurt but that doesn't give her the right to dictate everything and try to punish you through the kids. Stick to the CO and hopefully in time your ex will come around and at least be civil. I really don't think that a court will rule that you can't attend kids activities while not your 'days' with the kids, as long as your not a danger to the kids (had to add that disclaimer).

You made a mistake, stick to the high road and try not to involve the kids. Good luck,


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ssmom79
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Re: stbx wife wants 3rd party communication [Re: JF31]
      #778032 - 02/20/12 03:34 PM

It is acceptable to allow for changes in visitation without revisiting a CO. If you think it would be better to do a Wednesday overnight and it doesn't effect the children negatively, why not do it? You don't need to pay attorney's to do that if you both can handle it appropriately. OF course, if you and your ex are those people who nitpick every detail,. then you may want to revisit the CO for any changes to the schedule, even an overnight.

Listen, my husband was left by his wife and they handled pick ups and drop offs through the school or the day care because it was easier for my husband. So Mom would drop off Monday and dad would pick up. No seeing each other, no dirty looks, no tense exchanges to upset the children. My hubby had a difficult time post divorce and his ex did have another man and moved him in shortly after the divorce. It was very hard for my hubby.

If you do not want to miss sporting events, then go to the sporting events. If she wants to miss events because you are there, that is on her.

Since you take such issue with the third party, why not answer to your ex directly. As in I received request from Mr. Third Party on 2/20/12 and my response is as follows. That way she communicates to you the way she prefers and you respond the way you prefer. If she chooses to continue to email through her third party, then that is also on her.


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