JF31
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Reged: 02/20/12
Posts: 4
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First some background. I am in the beginning stages of divorce and the court issued temporary orders for custody and child support. My stbx wife did her best to limit my time with the kids as much as possible. She wanted absolutely no overnights. They are ages 7,7 and 9 and her plan was for wed 3:30-7pm and every Saturday 10-6 and e/o sunday 1-6 pm. It was crazy and the judge actually rolled his eyes when her lawyer was saying this was in our kids best interest.
In the end I got them 50% of the time which according to my lawyer this judge hands it out pretty freely when requested. The judge also approved my req to take the kids on vacation to FL for 8 days next month (spring break) to visit my family against the strong objections of the stbx. In addition the judge said that both of us could have 2 weeks uninterrupted vacation time during the summer. Holidays are split equally.
The stbx wife about had a heart attack. She she was so upset. I hated that she tried to turn into a control freak and was like this is it take or leave it. Needless to say she left court totally defeated.
I want to be up front and say that the reason my stbx is so bitter is because I had an affair and filed for divorce. I left her not the kids. I wish I did not have the affair that was the cowards way out but I do not want to be married to her. For that I should be punished and she attempted to use the kids to do that and I guess lucky for me the court saw through her and prevented that.
The stbx has come up with a new way to annoy me and bring a total stranger to me into our discussion regarding the kids. She sent me this long letter which I will spare you. The short version is that she will no longer communicate with me and then sent me this email of a total stranger who will handle communication for us. She said the only way she will have contact with me is if I repent and want to reconcile. Until then its no contact for life. At first I laughed wondering if it was some sort of joke. I don't want to reconcile. That will be a cold day in hell. We do have 3 children that we share custody of and we need to communicate for their sake. I don't want to be her friend and I have absolutely no problem making it about the kids and divorce only. In fact I prefer it that way.
I absolutely refuse to go through this 3rd party contact who is a total stranger. I talked to my lawyer and he said to continue to email her anything regarding the kids. For now all we can do is document her refusal to communicate and slowly build a case so I can get sole legal custody should I choose to go that route.
Has anyone dealt with this crazy tactic? All 3 kids play sports and we attend all their games. I don't know how her no contact for life plan will work. I think she has gone insane.
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LexieBelle
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Honestly? I think you're kinda being a douche..still. You're not even divorced yet, you're with someone else and yeah, she's PISSED and RIGHTFULLY SO!
And yes, when you leave when you have kids? You LEAVE THE CHILDREN.
You sound like a selfish prick to me but notwithstanding that, she needs some time to adjust. Seriously. You've turned HER life upside down, betrayed her in the worst way a man can betray a woman.. try a little compassion for the feelings YOU CREATED.
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Tweeby
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Follow your lawyers advice. Keep open the lines of communication your way and make sure you hve proof of what you been sending her by e-mail.
Haven't reall heard about only going through a thrid person for communication epsecially about children for a long peroid of time. If it is done the go between usually are the lawyers or perhaps a GAL.
You don't have to talk in person to each other just yet, written communication by a letter mail or e-mail should be fine. In time you may be able to talk over the phone about the info regarding the children.
I will give a bit of personal advice, if your still with the 'other woman' don't have her (the OW) around your children or your stbex especially during the exchanges. Hopefully in time your stbex will be able to get past the raw emotions that she is going through and the two of you can be at least civil to each other. Try to do your part in her healing by not throwing up that you cheated at every turn by having the OW around right now.
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ssmom79
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I hardly think she's gone insane. In fact, you should really take a step back and look at the big picture. You had an affair, you left your wife, you made some really big life changes for your family and that can really take a toll on members of the family, including your STBX.
When parents cannot speak to each other or deal with each other, a third party is sometimes involved to assist with communication. Yes I've heard of this, and no I don't think it's a crazy tactic. I do see it as a benefit to parties who cannot communicate.
I mean, to put it bluntly, you cheated on your spouse and left her, then you came in and took 50% of the time with the children. She's lost her husband and lost her children and is probably feeling very broken. She will probably have difficulty for a long time putting that behind her. That's the cards you deal when you play a cheater's game.
I'm sure her tactic is such temporary while she copes with the loss of her family. I'm not saying it's justified, I'm saying consider the reason behind the request and see if there is anything you can do to accommodate the request. If there isn't a way, then follow the advice of your attorney.
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javajunkiee
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" I think she has gone insane. "
Funny, that's probably how she feels about you.
Just because you've moved on and have your emotions all neatly packaged about your actions, doesn't mean SHE is in the same frame of mind. She likely can't stomach the sight of you right now, so having a 3rd party involved is less stressful for her.
Now if the 3rd party is some amateur trying to play good Samaritan, I wouldn't agree to the arrangement. As suggested by another person, having a GAL or an atty act as the 3rd person would be a better solution. They can act impartially and not get caught up in the emotions on either side.
Seriously... you couldn't manage YOUR emotions well enough to STAY married and work through whatever the issues were, but you think she's gone insane because she's having a hard time dealing with the emotional fallout of YOUR actions?
If you can't find a way to have some compassion, at least try to find a way to not be such a hypocrite.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Debi
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Attempting to have a 3rd party involved for communication is not a good idea on her part and will likely backfire. I agree she's irrational. I can't say i wouldn't be.
I would hope that if you are any kind of man at all you will try to understand how she feels in all of this. You had an affair. You left and as someone else said your emotions are all wrapped up in a neat little package. She will get over you, she will get over the divorce. Heck she will probably thank you one day. Today is not that day and it's not likely it will be coming any time in the near future.
I agree with your attorney that you should continue to e-mail her as needed regarding the kids and the divorce, and maybe instead of thinking of how you can use this against her in the future, you should give her time to come to terms with everything that is going on. Eventually she will return to being a rational person.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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JF31
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Reged: 02/20/12
Posts: 4
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I know I did not end my marriage the right way. Believe me I know that. I have heard it from everyone. My stbx told everyone who would listen including my family. My family was on her side until she tried to restrict my time with the kids. That stunt caused her to loose a lot of support even from members of her own family. I should have left her before the affair. My bad.
As I said before I left HER, NOT the kids. As far as the "other woman" goes we are no longer together. I do not want to be in a relationship with anybody. Also my parents said the "other woman" would never step foot in their house. I made some stupid decisions but I never brought the "other woman" around my kids and she will not have any involvement with the kids. I hurt two women very deeply. I know I suck and I am the first to admit both are better off without me. I am concentrating on the kids and looking forward to the single life.
Now back to the more important issue regarding 3rd party communication. This 3rd party sent me an email communication from my stbx regarding sporting events of our kids. In it she proposes that during my custody week I will attend the practices/games and during her custody week I not attend and she won't attend during my custody week. That is not gonna happen. I cannot believe she would miss sporting events so as not to have to look at me.
It gets even better. On wed she is supposed to get the kids after school and return them to me by 7 pm. She now proposes that she keeps them the night and she will return them to school and I do the same thing during her custody week. To make a change like this on our court ordered custody agreement we should be using lawyers or at least discuss it via email but she is using this stranger 3rd party.
Should I even say anything to this 3rd party. Like mind your own business or not respond at all?? i'm at a loss here. I never expected the ex to act like this especially when we share custody.
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Miranda
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Should I even say anything to this 3rd party. Like mind your own business or not respond at all?? i'm at a loss here. I never expected the ex to act like this especially when we share custody.
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I am sure she never expected you to act the way you did either.
You are not in agreeance to the third pary communicator, which IMO is a really dumb idea, so just state that to your stbx, the 3rd party, and your lawyer. Unless there is a court order to do so, you don't have to communicate with anyone.
Technically, once you lawyer up you two should be going thru your respective lawyers for everything.
I had 50/50 custody of an infant/toddler with my ex. We did straight Sunday night exchanges. I personally don't like mid week interruptions. Without a court order, she cannot stop you from attending your kids' practices and games...I think she is streching with that!!
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Tweeby
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Personally if it was me I wouldn't respond to the 3rd party but forward it to your lawyer.
Yeah your ex is hurt but that doesn't give her the right to dictate everything and try to punish you through the kids. Stick to the CO and hopefully in time your ex will come around and at least be civil. I really don't think that a court will rule that you can't attend kids activities while not your 'days' with the kids, as long as your not a danger to the kids (had to add that disclaimer).
You made a mistake, stick to the high road and try not to involve the kids. Good luck,
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ssmom79
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It is acceptable to allow for changes in visitation without revisiting a CO. If you think it would be better to do a Wednesday overnight and it doesn't effect the children negatively, why not do it? You don't need to pay attorney's to do that if you both can handle it appropriately. OF course, if you and your ex are those people who nitpick every detail,. then you may want to revisit the CO for any changes to the schedule, even an overnight.
Listen, my husband was left by his wife and they handled pick ups and drop offs through the school or the day care because it was easier for my husband. So Mom would drop off Monday and dad would pick up. No seeing each other, no dirty looks, no tense exchanges to upset the children. My hubby had a difficult time post divorce and his ex did have another man and moved him in shortly after the divorce. It was very hard for my hubby.
If you do not want to miss sporting events, then go to the sporting events. If she wants to miss events because you are there, that is on her.
Since you take such issue with the third party, why not answer to your ex directly. As in I received request from Mr. Third Party on 2/20/12 and my response is as follows. That way she communicates to you the way she prefers and you respond the way you prefer. If she chooses to continue to email through her third party, then that is also on her.
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LexieBelle
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**LIKE**LIKE**LIKE**LIKE**LIKE**!!!!!!
I actually thought of something else? Given he's pretty coming across like a welching dickweed HERE, can you imagine how.. threatened/untrusting SHE must feel? I mean, he's seemed to renege on anything and everything, why would she trust direct communications? Soo, go through a 3rd party, that way he can't douche her over saying he said something he didn't, or she did, or whatever.
I can't blame her one bit frankly.
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LexieBelle
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You really do come across like a total dick dude. Sorry, but one big fat UGHHHHH.
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M5M5
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I wouldn't agree to any of that. Do not agree to anything you are uncomfortable with. Definitely listen to you atty. My DH's ex tried to limit his time with the kids too (no reason, other than she didn't like that he remarried and wanted sole custody so as to get CS). She also tried to get us banned from attending football/cheerleading practices and games. Just keep documenting everything. I wouldn't even respond to the 3rd party...just keep all the emails.
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M5M5
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Excellent advice, Tweeby..and I agree.
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M5M5
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Where the HECK are you getting that??? Because he cheated? He admitted to that, admitted it was a mistake he never should have made and wants to move on with life. WTH is wrong with that? Please show me where he is being a dick? He seems pretty reasonable to me.
ETA: I'm sure he didn't come here looking to be called names. You are coming across as vulgar and uncouth...and little bit wacky. JS.
Edited by M5M5 (02/21/12 01:01 AM)
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LexieBelle
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Just not sugarcoating M5. Every other poster THOUGHT it, I'm sure, they just said it nicer :)
I've noticed a pattern with you.. you tend to excuse truly bad behavior, no problem. Liars. No problem. But then you have the signature line you have. Which, what was the term you used? Oh yes, "little bit wacky". The person you defend THE most on this site is the biggest liar on this site but yet you have that signature line. Okiedokie, no THAT isn't wacky at all ;) But then you'll play "vulgar" police like it's your job. Just bizarre. I also notice that you tend to excuse men who cheat. And you'll "attack" anyone who "attacks" a cheater. I called this guy out, there you are. SRS has issues with her ex who was a cheater. There you are. Your husband a cheater M5? It's the only thing I can think of that makes you so blindly excusing of liars and cheaters. It's really really really "wacky", to use your term.
Anyway, thanks for the admonition Mommy.. I'm glad that at 2am you have nothing apparently better to do than to monitor whether I'm vulgar or not. {{shakes head}}
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Debi
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He's being an @ss because he expects his STBX to just be ok with everything that happened. I agree that she is attempting to be controlling but this is just a teensy bit different than trying to be controling YEARS after a divorce. Just because he cheated and is trying to move on with his life doesn't mean she is ready to accept it and frankly I don't blame her.
I'm fine with this guy having equal access to his kids. I am a supporter of 50/50 in the majority of cases where both parties want it and are hands on parents. I am not ok with him wanting to make her the bad guy because she doesn't want to deal with him. I think she should be cut a little bit of slack while she is trying to get through her pain. 5 years from now? Not so much.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Debi
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You should respond directly to her without even mentioning the 3rd party. You can't really stop the 3rd party from e-mailing you on behalf of her and at this point I don't think you should try. If it makes her more comfortable then let her do it. It's really not hurting you, you just don't like it.
Did you stop to think that she is proposing that you each attend practices and games on your own parenting weeks to avoid embarrassing your children or dragging the drama to THEIR events? Legally can she keep you from attending? No, however I don't think what she propsed is out of line for the time being.
For the first couple of years after our divorce my x and I had very little contact and it worked wonderfully. Eventually the raw emotions went away and we were able to be at the same functions for our kids. Almost 11 years later his wife and I are friends and we have even done holidays together. Had anyone told me that as going to happen before our divorce was final I'd have laughed at them. And he didn't even cheat on me.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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LexieBelle
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And just want to reiterate here, THEY'RE NOT EVEN DIVORCED YET!!!!!! So he cheated on her, LEFT HER, and is already done with the chick he left her FOR to begin with. I'm sure she feels GREAT about that. It's actually psychologically easier to deal with someone leaving for someone else who is long-term versus a flash in the dating proverbial pan.
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ssmom79
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He said in the first post he wanted out of the divorce, the affair was just part of getting out of the divorce. So he didn't actually leave her FOR another woman, he left her and there happened to be another woman. Wonder if he has stepped up and admitted he wanted out and that another woman didn't cause the rift and subsequent divorce?
In life post divorce you go with what works. Some pretty weird things work. So this guy has to realize when you have kids at 7/7/9 you have at least 10 years of co-parenting left and you just have to do the best you can to accomplish that. I'd ask yourself if there is any way you can make this easier on your ex. You know what you did was wrong, so make the best effort to fix what you can.
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Debi
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As more of the story comes out I doubt he left her FOR the OW. It sounds like it wasn't even really dating but just sex. It amazes me how someone who has no regard for other people can cry foul when someone he hurt wants to hurt him back.
I feel so bad for his STBX. I think that the majority of what she is proposing is for her emotional and psychological protection, not to get back at him. Personally I think she just should have cut the crotch out of all of his pants to make life easier for him.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Tweeby
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I'm not seeing what some of you are seeing. I have heard on here and most likely stated it myself that you (generalized you) need to remove the emotion and treat a divorce/custody as a business arrangement. IMO this is what this guy has done. In treating it more as a buisness arrangement it may make him sound cold and unfeeling.
I can understand that his stbex is hurt but that doesn't give her the right to limit his contact with the children. He may be a lousy spouse but that doesn't make him a lousy parent. They ARE going to have to coparent unless she wants to be the NCP.
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Debi
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I can understand that his stbex is hurt but that doesn't give her the right to limit his contact with the children. He may be a lousy spouse but that doesn't make him a lousy parent. They ARE going to have to coparent unless she wants to be the NCP.
Correction. She WANTED to limit his time. She didn't suceed. And I don't agree with everything she has done but I completely understand her wanting to. No matter how much someone wants to they CAN'T treat custody like a business arrangement. There are emotions involved as everyone has a vested interest.
I haven't told him to roll over and play dead but i think he needs to give a little on a couple of things. He should continue to contact her directly because that's what HE wants but he should also accept that she wants to communicate through a 3rd party for the time being and instead of using it against her should use it as a place to start building a co-parenting relationship. He should consider, for his children, not his STBX not going to their practices on her parenting time. This would be to keep the drama away from the kids. he should propose another solution to the mid-week drop off rather than making it an overnight. I don't think she cares as much about keeping them overnight as not seeing him. Who could blame her?
Other than "wanting" sole custody and limited parenting time for him which has already been solved in court what is she doing now to limit his time with the kids? He has 50/50 so he's no more limited than her. That's not different than a lot of people go into court wanting. You are completely right in that being a lousy spouse doesn't make a person a lousy parent, but it's kind of hard to see that when you're still in what I call the "Mac Truck" stage. (that was the period of time I wanted to run my x over with a Mac Truck). Name 10 people who are rational when they go through a divorce.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Tweeby
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So she wanted to limit his time but the court stated no. So that is fine in your view because she is hurt or hurting?
He was a smuck for what he did but other than that what is he doing wrong? He wants to be apart of his kids lives. Should he stop being as involved because it makes his ex so uncomfortable to be around him? He wants to follow the CO, isn't that what is advised at the beginning and than as things calm down it can be tweeked to fit everyone. There are ways around to not seeing someone or interacting with yoru ex at exchanges. The kdis are old enough that they can walk from the house to the car without the other parent escorting them. Actually the noninteraction WAS in my husband's CO for the exchanges.
Emotions DUE run high in divorces and custody disagreements but that is when you need to stop displaying the emotions and treat it as a business arrangement. If his ex continues doing what she is doing she could limit her time even more with the kids. It happened with my husband's ex.
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SRS
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Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Give her some time to recover. If she wants to communicate through a 3rd party - what does it hurt? Really. Give her a breather for a few months.
You have 50/50 custody. What more do you want?
Try not to bring your gf/ow to the kids practices for a while, if you know your stbx will be there. At least temporarily. It will avoid drama for the kids.
ETA: Exchanges worked better for us when they were done at school/daycare. We never had to see each other. It sucked when I had to take the kids to the ows house for drop offs.
Edited by SRS (02/21/12 09:30 AM)
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BeachBabeRN
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Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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No one has raised this question -- who is the third party and if his stbx sent him the email address, what is the connection to the ex? I'm curious about that. This person is being referred to as someone that doesn't know either of them -- that can't be exactly true because his ex had the email address.
I think I'd react in a similar emotional manner, given the circumstances of the marriage ending and specifically when someone chooses to be a coward and have an affair instead of facing the task of ending it himself. We don't know what this OW was told about the status of this marriage and she found herself badly hurt in the process **as per the OP** IF she was told that the OP was separated, divorced, single, etc, then she also was a victim of a coward. Still hurts. IF she went into it knowing that this person was married, I have no sympathy. Given his marital situation and what he says about the woman that he had an affair with? I somehow doubt that she was clearly advised of his situation.
That said -- in his position, I'd want to know exactly who this third party, what connection they have to his ex. Me? If I was him? I'd pick up read/notify and send his responses to both parties, his ex and the third party. Therefore, there is no miscommunication, his emails are crystal clear in the content and they are unable to be miscontrued.
However. To the OP? A lot of humility and perhaps an apology to your ex for being a complete coward MIGHT start her healing process. Man up and take responsibility to HER for what you did, as opposed to a board full of faceless, nameless strangers.
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ssmom79
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Limiting time is not OK. She tried it, it was denied. I don't see where that is an issue. She wants each person to attend on their weeks for practices and games, if he doesn't want to do that, he doesn't have to do that. She wants each person to have an overnight on Wednesday instead of a dinner, he doesn't have to do that either. He wants to follow the CO to a T, that is great, I'm OK with that too.
I just think given the circumstances that he should email her if he prefers, but not be angry if she wants to go through a third party. If she wants an overnight to avoid interaction and he disagrees, perhaps he can offer another solution.
She cannot treat it like a business arrangement, she is still hurting. She could negatively impact her time with her children, but that is on her.
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Tweeby
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Interesting thing is that they have a TEMP CO so why should they need to tweek it on their own, if one party doesn't like something in the temp CO they ask the court to change it. At the beginning stages of divorces, isn't most communication through lawyers?
If a guy came on here stating that he wanted to change a Temp CO without the court approval, what would he be called? Most likely controlling and that is how I see the OP stb ex. It does matter that she tried to limit his contact with the kids. Interesting that she didn't seem to have a problem with doing exchanges on Wednesday with her proposal but has a problem now that he has 50/50.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Who cares about the OW. Really? SHe is nothing but a distraction at this point.
He cheated in order to get out of a marriage instead of manning up. He's upset that his stbx is hurt and needs some time. Wah...
He needs to show a little humility. They are't even divorced and he's already talking about getting sole custody because she is asking to communicate through a third party.
Give her some time to grieve.
He needs to get to a counselor. He needs to understand how his actions affected his entire family unit. His decisions broke up his family, took his children away from his stbx 50% of the time, and caused a divorce.
Honestly, he sounds like a selfish asshat.
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gr8Dad
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"Honestly? I think you're kinda being a douche..still. You're not even divorced yet, you're with someone else and yeah, she's PISSED and RIGHTFULLY SO!"
She has the right to be pissed. She does NOT have the right, under ANY circumstances, to deny parenting time or use the kids to "punish" him, which she DID.
"And yes, when you leave when you have kids? You LEAVE THE CHILDREN."
I will remember that and EXPECT the same response when a WOMAN leaves, regardless of reason.
"You sound like a selfish prick to me but notwithstanding that, she needs some time to adjust. Seriously. You've turned HER life upside down, betrayed her in the worst way a man can betray a woman.. try a little compassion for the feelings YOU CREATED."
Yeah, sure, so he should sit back and let her do what she WANTS, regardless of how it affects the CHILDREN, so MOMMY can "adjust". I am wondering how long this should happen? And should she be FORCED to allow a LESSOR amount of child support, until he can "adjust" to paying it?
DAMN this mentality makes me SICK.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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WHen anyone goes into a divorce, they are advised to ask for the Moon & Stars. But, be willing to settle for less.
Sounds like stbx did just that.
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gr8Dad
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But it does appear that men are expected to be "understanding" of the woman's feelings and expect LESS cooperation from the beginning because of the emotions. Yet no one suggests that divorce is difficult on MEN, and that WOMEN should offer the same "adjustment" period. Why is that?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I am the wrong one to be talking about on this. I think he's a jerk for cheating. My ex cheated, too, and expected me to be understanding of his & the OWs feelings. That is crappy.
If a woman came here thinking she was getting sympathy for cheating, she'd get the same reply from me. Finish one relationship before you start another one.
I gave that same advice to my brother when he wanted to start dating BEFORE the divorce was final.
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gr8Dad
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So, how long does he have to "pay" for the cheating? Seems he already HAS paid for it, she wants him to pay MORE. At what point, after cheating, does he have the RIGHT to stand up for his RIGHTS?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Well, he's still married at this point. Just starting the divorce process, so it would seem that things have just happened.
He's not being denied anything. They have 50/50 custody.
Perhaps with his next wife, he will remember to end the relationship before he sleeps around. Leopards don't change their stripes....
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30201
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"Perhaps with his next wife, he will remember to end the relationship before he sleeps around. Leopards don't change their stripes...."
AH, so its NOT about the best interest of the kids, but about the wronged spouse getting EVEN for the way they were wronged?!? Nope, sorry, doesn't work like that. USED to work like that, but MANY MANY people in the women's rights movement FOUGHT for NO FAULT divorces. They GOT them, so divorce is NO FAULT. The "cheating" should have ZERO impact on the case, therefore any feelings SHE got from BEING wronged or cheated on are ALSO moot. Pull up your big girl panties and welcome to the BIGS.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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I don't really know anything about temp versus final CO's so if that is an important detail, I was missing it. I still fail to see where the harm is in asking to make a change or deciding to change a visitation schedule. Maybe it's because I'm the one with the family who has a 50/50 schedule in real life but every other weekend by court order. So I'm not seeing a problem in requesting a dinner become an overnight instead. Probably because that's what my husband did with his Wednesday night dinner. It was an overnight and we just took the kids to daycare/school the next day. In fact, it's probably both of our personal situations clouding the way we see this situation. You were burned by BM and had a court issue, ours was a lot more quiet and BM was not so....ummmm....you know the word.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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If it wasn't a big deal, then he wouldn't have brought it up in his post.
SHe asked for the moon and didn't get it. Nothing new. She's not stopping him from having 50/50 custody. SHe's made a couple of requests. He can ignore them or he can do what he wants. Up to him.
I always say that leopards don't change their spots in regards to people who cheat in their relationships. Nothing new there.....and based on my ex's new relationship's timeframe, it is true. (lol)
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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But it does appear that men are expected to be "understanding" of the woman's feelings and expect LESS cooperation from the beginning because of the emotions. Yet no one suggests that divorce is difficult on MEN, and that WOMEN should offer the same "adjustment" period. Why is that?
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Not MEN...this poster. Um, my husband was dumped after ten years of marriage by a woman who had an affair and then moved her OM RIGHT INTO the marital home, while the divorce was proceeding, with their 3 and 6 year olds asking why daddy wanted to leave. Believe me, this advice would go both ways....don't make blanket assumptions gr8, you know I hate that.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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True.....like I said in a prior post, If a woman came here thinking she was getting sympathy for cheating, she'd get the same reply from me. Finish one relationship before you start another one.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Forever? When you cheat and you have children? You ALSO cheat on your kids. And honestly? Maybe we should have some more restrictions/rules about that sort of thing. Cheat on your marriage? Lose your rights to your kids. Didn't value the marriage, then you don't value the children OF that marriage. It's TOO EASY TO EXCUSE.
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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A CO actually protects both parties. They are still in the court process so it would be best to have the court change the CO time. Many times a temp CO becomes the final CO. Why not reflect what is wanted to protect both sides.
Not following the CO at thing stage of process could harm one or both. If he doesn't get the kids at the CO time because of their 'agreement' the BM could say that he forfitted the time or if he kept the kids she could say that he violated the CO by keeping them longer. It can get confusing.
Most poeple would agree to follow the CO at the beginning as time goes on it can be tweeked to fit both parties and the kids. usually (not always) as time goes one the hurt feelings are not in the forfront and the parents are able to communicate better.
My husband's CO stated that who ever is receiving the child does the pick-up and the party can't leave their car and the other party can't leave their home during the exchanges. The BM was known for causing problems at the exchanges. At the beginning my husband would remind the BM if she came near our car. After a while we pretty much ignored that stipulation in the CO and the BM would come into our home for coffee during the exchanges. We even had holidays together. At the beginning of the process the BM made threats towards me so if someone told me that I would invite the BM and her family into my home I would of told them they were nuts.
After a while I would imagine that many people don't follow the CO to the letter any longer and are able to co-parent to some degree. At the beginning when the emotions DO run high you follow the CO to the letter, it is for the protection of everyone.
It would seem a 'simple' request to have an overnight on Wednesdays. If your doing a week to week 50/50, wouldn't that be too many back and forths overnights for the kids? There are other schedules besides week to week.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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At one point I picked up kids for an overnight on Monday, Wednesday and then Friday. They went back to school Monday morning. The following week we picked up on Wednesday for the overnight. That was way too much IMO. But a Wednesday switch, one day a week, I don't think it's too much. But it's not for me to decide. If the ex wants to make a change she can request it and see how it pans out in the final CO. The OP doesn't want to do that so if they can't agree it will be up to a judge.
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JF31
recently joined
Reged: 02/20/12
Posts: 4
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I spoke with my lawyer and he strongly advised me not to change the midweek visit into an overnight at this time since this 50/50 arrangement has just started and to follow the schedule the court gave us. He said as a show of good faith offer her an alternative to drop the kids of at a mutually agreeable place like my parents or trusted friend. He also told me at least for a while to consider only attending the games and not the kids practices during her custody week. He said if she brought this up in court it would only make her look vindictive. He said the court has already seen how she tried to severely limit my time with the kids and this would be just another example.
We have a mediation coming up in April and that would be the time to discuss any changes to the custody schedule.
I decided not to respond to this stranger 3rd party. My lawyer said this arrangement would not be acceptable to the courts. Our circumstances does not make this necessary and if it was necessary it would not be this 3rd party. He said all my stbx is doing is giving us ammo to go for sole legal custody. He says we need to keep documenting and if she is still acting like this in April then I should file for sole legal custody.
He will send her attorney a letter basically saying that this stranger 3rd party way of communicating is is not acceptable and this person is not to contact me again. He will relay that she can drop the kids off at my parents house at 7 pm on Wednesday. He says he will not even address the sports issue. He wants her lawyer to get the impression that the request was so ridiculous that it was not even worth responding too. He is also going to put that my preferred method of communicating is via email or text message.
He also gave me some insight into my stbx's attorney. He said he's known the guy a long time and that he can tell my stbx is not following his advice. He said in a case like ours my ex should have requested the standard e/o/w and mid week visit. She should have made that her jumping off point and she didn't and it really got the judges attention. He said very bad legal strategy and he is a very good experienced attorney and he knows he would not advice his client to do something like that. He said it would not shock him at all if her lawyer even knows anything about this 3rd party communication BS.
So anyway that is the latest. As far as the emotional issues and what a bastard I am I don't know what to tell you. My lawyer told me to keep the emotion out of it and I think his advice has served me well. That's what I have been trying to do. I only contact her unless absolutely necessary. I know I caused her a tremendous amount of pain but that does not give her the right to try and use the kids as a weapon against me. I knew our marriage was over for a long time. I had not been happy with her for over 4 years. She's a great mother (when she is not using them as a weapon) but one cold fish let me tell you. I can give you a laundry list of reasons of why I am so happy to now be single. Yes I have a lot of reasons that I resent her. Still I am not letting that impact on how I communicate with her regarding the kids. We're the parents and we should be able to at a minimum email regarding the kids.
As far as the OW goes she is a non issue now. She is not in my life. I have read a little bit about affairs and I think you would classify my affair as an exit affair. I did have very strong feelings for her but I was never in love with her. I think she wanted me to rescue her from her not so happy life and I am so not going to take on the role of hero. My family would have never accepted her either. She said she was in love with me and when I broke it off she said I ruined her life. I had 2 women tell me that in the same week. I am in no position to be a husband or boyfriend to any woman. Like I said before I am concentrating on my kids and looking forward to enjoying the single life. I think I mourned the end of my marriage a long time ago so I have already moved on. I will try to keep reminding myself that my ex is in a different place as long as it does not involved her trying to limit my times with the kids or her trying to get me to communicate with a stranger regarding the kids.
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1755
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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Where was your STB Ex-wife planning the switching with the schedule she proposed? I'm assuming you would have been picking the kids up and dropping them off at her house every Wednesday and EO Saturday/Sunday. What's wrong with that scenario now?
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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I think you got good advice and I think you're handling it properly. Good luck.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30201
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"Forever? When you cheat and you have children? You ALSO cheat on your kids."
The WORST part about this is that you KNOW it is wrong.
"And honestly? Maybe we should have some more restrictions/rules about that sort of thing. Cheat on your marriage? Lose your rights to your kids. Didn't value the marriage, then you don't value the children OF that marriage. It's TOO EASY TO EXCUSE."
Sorry, a bad SPOUSE does not make a bad PARENT.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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It is very hard to get sole legal and physical custody. I don't think you would have a chance at that.
My ex was absent for 7 years and has never paid support in 17 years and he still got joint legal. Your chances of minimizing her rights are very, very slim.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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Listen to your lawyer, he knows the local procedures and laws. I do like the idea of offering a different location for the exchanges, that will show that your willing to listen to her concerns and deal with them. You may want to think about the Wed overnight, think if it may work for you or not and reasons why. If your set against why and if you want it why, just be prepared to give a reason either way.
Getting sole custody may be a long shot but if she is uncoporating it may be a possibility. Just want to add that even if you have sole custody your ex still will have rights that the State gives her and she still will have her parenting time.
I wouldn't agree to not attending games during her parenting time but not going to practices shouldn't be that big of a deal, unless your a coach.
Just keep taking the high road no matter what, at times it may be difficult. Good luck
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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You're an effin' idiot, PM. Really. How about, let's have a discussion WITHOUT bringing JL into this, shall we? Do you think you can do that? No, I do not defend cheaters. If I did, I would be defending YOU, wouldn't I? Since you are an admitted adultress. My husband never cheated. His ex cheated on him. In fact, there is no excuse for cheating, in my book. I have zero respect for them. But....I don't think they deserve to lose their children over it. I think they should still be treated equally when it comes to parenting. Everyone wants to harp on his cheating...and I can see why (since that was my first thought as well)...but that's not the issue here. He already recognizes he did wrong, but calling him a dick and what have you is helping him how?
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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That I agree with. I do think he needs to give her time (not years worth, however) to come to terms with the demise of the marriage and his cheating. Yes, I agree with that wholeheartedly. I just don't think he needs to agree to her controlling demands. He needs to let her know up front that he will be an involved parent.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Dude, if she is a good mother, then you don't need to go for sole custody...UNLESS she continues to try and interfere with your time with them and use the kids against you. But..if she is a really good, loving mother...keep it 50/50...for your kids sake, not hers or yours.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Show me where he said she DENIED parenting time? this is what I read.
" My stbx wife did her best to limit my time with the kids as much as possible. She wanted absolutely no overnights. They are ages 7,7 and 9 and her plan was for wed 3:30-7pm and every Saturday 10-6 and e/o sunday 1-6 pm. It was crazy and the judge actually rolled his eyes when her lawyer was saying this was in our kids best interest. "
She "wanted"..... She didn't get what she wanted and I do not see anything about "denying" him time. She asked for this through court and it wasn't granted (And I don't agree it was a fair request, but she did take the correct avenues.)
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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She was limiting his time with his kids at sports practice and games by saying he should not attend on his "off" time.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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Sorry, I couldn’t resist. ;-)
“then you'll play "vulgar" police like it's your job. I'm glad that at 2am you have nothing apparently better to do than to monitor whether I'm vulgar or not.”
Signed,
The Time Police
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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'I just don't think he needs to agree to her controlling demands. He needs to let her know up front that he will be an involved parent.'
And I never said he should roll over and play dead for her. Of course she's trying to be controlling at this stage. Name one couple you know that divorced who did not both think they should be able to call the shots at first. Everyone does it when emotions are running high. I admit I did it, my x did it, but we both got over it. Neither of us ever denied the other time but both of us wanted to be the primary parent before we agreed on 50/50.
Absolutely he should not give her years to move forward. i just really hate when someone talks about treating a divorce like a business arrangement. It's not except to the lawyers who say it.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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It sounds like you are getting good advice from your attorney. April is just around the corner, it will be here before you know it. So be prepared. You will want to get any details spelled out up front, to limit going to court later for modifications. Good Luck.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3155
Loc: SC
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*EXACTLY* Well said.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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JF31
recently joined
Reged: 02/20/12
Posts: 4
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My lawyer advised me to go for sole LEGAL custody not physical if my ex did not start communicating with me. I would not try and limit her time with the kids. That is her style not mine. I don't even want to fight for sole legal custody. I am hoping this can be resolved at the mediation in April. It will be a last resort but it's an option I will take if she leaves me no choice. I am not going to allow her to make unilateral decisions about the kids and then inform me after the fact because of her refusal to communicate with me. That is not going to happen. Still with my 50% time share it will limit what she can do. Time will only tell.
As far as my ex's proposed visitation schedule she actually said I could come to her house and she would leave during the time period I was there. That means she would have saw me coming and going and now she does not even want contact with me via email?? Who wants their stbx in their house anyway??? Like I said I wonder if she has gone insane.
I still don't know if the ex is going to drop the kids off at my parents house or mine. I think she blocked me. lol My lawyer has not heard back from her lawyer. You know its so easy to write a 1 sentence text or email...I am going to drop the kids off at.....
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Anything4Love
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 60
Loc: Virginia
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She sounds like a nasty, bitter woman and given that the 3rd party communication may be a blessing at least until she is willing to respect your wishes to get on with your life. My stbx says I can't see my kids except under HIS roof with HIM there so believe me it could be worse. People like your stbx need to focus less on their bruised ego and more on what's best for the children: as much time with both the parents they love as possible. I was appalled by some of the responses on here defending her.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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Based on your position I understand why you may feel that way. However, I am not excusing her behavior, I am asking him to consider the feelings behind the behavior and focus on getting a solution that will work for the two of them for the years ahead. Maybe right now she doesn't want to talk to him, that could change. I hardly think being the victim of an affair = nasty and bitter. Now, if this was YEARS down the road, and she still acted the way that's being described, I would feel differently.
I'm sure she wishes it was just a bruised ego. I am married to someone who was the victim of affair(s) and divorce following the affair, in my opinion being considerate of feelings between the parties helped a lot. Yes, now my husband thanks my ex. But it was more than just a 'bruised ego'.
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blabbity
recently joined
Reged: 05/31/12
Posts: 10
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My boyfriend's ex just got remarried and now is insisting that any and all communication go through her new husband. It's completely ridiculous to require communication with a non-professional 3rd party.
My boyfriend's lawyer told him to do exactly what yours did... to keep emailing regardless and document the lack of response. He did that, and then his ex claimed to have closed her email to force him to email her new husband. My boyfriend continues to email her at her old address, now with an email tracker. She's read every email, but still won't respond. So, she's lying about closing the email address. He's taking his ex to court in the next month or two for this and several other issues. I'll look for this post and give an update with what the court decides.
Good luck!
(I would ignore everyone jumping your ass for having an affair. It's completely unrelated to custody)
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