AllisonG38
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Hello everyone, I am new to this board and in a very difficult situation and hoping for some advice. My husband and I have been seperated since Sept 2010 (16mths), during which we have been back and fourth, but we finally ended things in December. The problem is he has left me in an absolute FINACIAL MESS that I am having a difficult time getting out of. After we seperated he left the state and went back home to live with his mother 8hrs away. Although he has a job he's refused to pay child support, although he does pay the electric, but nothing else. We are currently on State azssistance. I filed child support back in November 2010 and they tried to have him served 9mths later and him and his mother denied service. We have 2 children together, ages 4 and 6, and he has been in and out of their lives throughout the seperation, only interested in talking with them when things were going well with him and I. I also have an 11 yr old from a previous marriage.
Anyway, the house that the kids and I reside in, which is in his name soley is being foreclosed on in the next few mths, I have tried to get employment which has been extremely difficult, athough i have 2 degrees, the fact that I have been a stay at home mother for the last 7 yrs is not helping. I am currently working with a case manager who things my best bet is to go back to school. The problem is I am so physically and mentally run down, I have lost so much weight and don't sleep well due to the stressand I'm at the point where I'm not functioning too well. Ive had the toddlers by myself for 16mths with no break and don't know how much more I can tolderate.
My husband has offered to take custody of the children and my friends and family think it may be in the best interest for everyone. Problem is, If I did that I'd only want it to be a temporary basis while I get back on my feet from the financial mess hes left me in, however I do not have the money to pay for a lawyer to draw up the papers. I've discussed this with my husband and explained to him that I didn't want to do this unless it has been made legal, because once they leave the state I lose all rights. It seems to me that both him and his mother are wanting me to just hand them over so they can file for state benefits ect......... I am so upset, stressed out and confused and don't know how much more I can take. The anger I feel for this man for the hell he has put me and these children in is incredible!
Sorry so long but does anyone have any helpful advice?
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ssmom79
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Hi Allison, start with a divorce. I don't know how it will work out giving him custody while you get on your feet and how difficult it would be to get them back. It could be very difficult. You should be prepared for that if you make this sort of decision.
Sometimes divorce leaves you in a big money mess and your're stuck getting out of it with no help from an ex and no support.
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Renny
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Reged: 09/24/11
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Try to hold it together and find employment. You will need the money soon. Based on what you said, if you give your H custody it will be difficult to get them back, whether they go before or after the divorce.
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AllisonG38
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I filed a divorce by myself through the court last April, and also filed Alimony as well, but the way my State works is that they grant you the divorce first then 2 mths later you go to court for Alimony hearing. I placed the divorce on hold, because we were trying to work things out, but it can be easily taken off, unfortunately tho its not going to get me the money I need fast since we're facing foreclosure in the next few mths.
I feel like I have put up a long hard fight and have done everything i was suppose to do legally and nothing has worked in my favor. I just don't understand it and he absolutely angers me knowing what he has done to me and these kids. This is just so unfair.
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ssmom79
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Honey life isn't fair and sometimes you get dealt a bad hand. You have to find the good in there and keep going. You haven't done everything you're supposed to do, your divorce is on hold, so start there. You just need to take things a step at a time.
It's been 16 months, I just want you to know that some people fight for years to get time with their kids, and you may find yourself in that very battle.
Do you have any support, family or friends who can help you out?
If you need money, you need to find employment, even if it's part time. You won't find money from a man who's not ordered to pay and doesn't want to pay.
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AllisonG38
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I have been looking for employment and even with my 2 degrees it has been difficult, we live in a small area where there arent many jobs available and what lil there is, theres a lot of comptetition. Thats why my case manager wants me going back to school.
As far as my family and friends, they all say the same thing, "Give him the kids, you have done everything you could for them, and he's left you in an impossible situtation and you need to take care of yourself and get on your feet, so let him have the kids and work out visitation." And that is where I am at right now as well. I highly doubt he knows what hes getting himself into as the 2 of them can be a handful and don't forsee him and his mother coping for too long.
But, at this point I do feel that its probably in the best interest for everyone, and I have an 11 yr old who needs me too. I just have to get on my feet, and he as the father needs to step up and take his kids and do what he needs to do.
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ssmom79
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If you think it's in their best interests to be with their dad, then you are doing the right thing. You will probably have to pay some child support to your ex for their care.
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AllisonG38
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I wish I could be the one to care for them at this time but unfortunately because of his actions its proving to be impossible, but I'm still holding out for a miracle and I pray every night.
As far as the child support, he can try to file on me but my state said that if he does that they will see that I filed on him back in 2010 and he would have to owe me back support, for over a yr. so, he knows hes going to have to wait.
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annieo
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Reged: 07/07/10
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Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I would do whatever I had to to have a custody/visitation lined up before they go - a legal temp order
I personally would not give them up because it is a long difficult road to get them back and because of the distance there is not the chance for 50/50 custody and once he has a status quo you will be hard pressed to establish the children now need to be uprooted and sent to you to be the custodial parent. You will become a visitor and it may be permanent.
Do you get TANF - if your husband doesn't pay support because he doesn't want to but is able to the state will give you money and go after him to pay it back - do not know if you want to go that route but it would bring in some income to raise the children - not a lot of monies but something.
I am curious as to why your caseworker wants you to go back to school if you already have 2 degrees - is it refresher? What are the degrees in?
I wouldn't give them up but I have read, heard, etc.... too many horror stories about people doing this and ending up the NCP - if you all lived closer then maybe because it could go to 50/50. I am not saying this because you are a woman it is what I would say to whoever had the children and had a long distance parenting issue and was thinking of sending the children to the other parent "for a little while"
Good Luck
you will probably have to pay support to your husband to help with the children's expenses and if they use state assistance you will have to pay it back in accordance with whatever income you come up with.
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annieo
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"As far as the child support, he can try to file on me but my state said that if he does that they will see that I filed on him back in 2010 and he would have to owe me back support, for over a yr. so, he knows hes going to have to wait."
This will result in an arrears for him but you will have to pay support based on your income otherwise you will have an arrears as well - it is current support vs. back support owed.
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AllisonG38
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At this point I don't care and besides hes not going to get much out of me anyway.
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annieo
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Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I hope it all works out for you and your children and that you can get back on your feet to be the best mom you can be and if a little time to make that happen is what is best and you two get along then you need to do what is best for you because the children need a mom who takes care of herself so she can take care of them.
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Avaya
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[quote]...he's refused to pay child support, [/quote]
If you're going to keep the kids you need to file for support and get an order to encourage him to pay. Do whatever needs to be done to get him served.
[quote]... athough i have 2 degrees, the fact that I have been a stay at home mother for the last 7 yrs is not helping. I am currently working with a case manager who things my best bet is to go back to school.[/quote]
For what? You have two degrees. GET A JOB - doing ANYTHING. In 16 months there can't have been NOTHING at all available. Right now, you cannot afford to be choosy.
[quote]I've discussed this with my husband and explained to him that I didn't want to do this unless it has been made legal, because once they leave the state I lose all rights.[/quote]
With nothing official for either of you, he could come pick them up today and take them to his home and there is nothing you could do about it. Absent a C/O, both parents have equal rights.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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ssmom79
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I wish I could be the one to care for them at this time but unfortunately because of his actions its proving to be impossible, but I'm still holding out for a miracle and I pray every night.
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You do what you have to do to provide for your kids. If you can't do that, then let him. I can't accept that his actions are causing you to give up your children. I just don't see what you've shared that describes him that way.
What are your degrees in?
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Tweeby
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Jobs are difficult to come by if you have a degree but no recent work history. Even the fast food places don't want to hire you.
I'm not sure why the OP feels she has to give up custody of the kids right now. A woman having no job, going through a divorce, and lossing the house is not that uncommon right now. Not sure if school is the best decision since she is not using the degrees she has now and how will she pay for it?
The Dad hasn't been around the kids for a while but yet he is the one who will be taking care of them? I'm not getting this logic at all.
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Renny
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My thoughts exactly. The important thing is to get a job first -- any job -- and the OP will find that it will lead to other employment. The first main obstacle to getting a job is being unemployed over 6 months. Employers want to see a history of recent employment. And they want recent, specific skills with around common software programs, like Excel to get an entry level job. So your time is best spent learning specific skills with programs available online. Don't waste your time getting another degree, or taking a course, say, in risk management when there is no hope of getting a mid-management level job in an investment [censored]. Tax time is here. Try getting a receptionist position at H&R Block or other tax preparation [censored]. Lousy, min wage jobs, but you have to start somewhere. Above all, don't give up. Keep applying diligently every day.
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AllisonG38
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That is correct, he has been in and out of their lives since we seperated. He initially refused to speak to them because of his anger towards me, but he has been more active in the last 6 mths, although its been difficult for him to see them since hes 8hrs away, but he says he wants them. He resides with his mother so maye between the 2 of them they will do well.
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AllisonG38
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Ok, I typed up a response yesterday and apparently it didn't go through, so I'm going to try again.
To the comment about finding a job, again, jobs in my area are VERY difficult to find at this time and what jobs are available your competing with 50 other people. This is why hubby ran back to mommy because after retiring from the military because he couldnt find a job around here. As far as going back to school, this is what my case manager suggested, whether its to finishing up getting certified for teaching or retrain for something else, you do what you have to do right now! And the state will pay for it. I had a job at the public school 8 yrs ago when we met, and I left that and sold my house to give him 2 children that he so desperately wanted and be a full time mother. I gave all of that up, and now being thrown into a horribly economy where jobs are scarce and suppose to support 3 kids on my own with no child support!
As far as the kids,I guess the correct thing I should have posted was "I'm giving him primary placement at this time." Although this is not what I had planned initially, after everything that has happened and circumstances it is in the best interest of the children. As a caring mother, I am acknowledging the fact that right now I cannot offer them stability, where as the father and his mother can. As my family and friends all say "You've done your best for them the last 16mths and now you need to do what you've got to do to get back on your feet." On top of that, I am physically and mentally wiped out from all of this, and have had them for 16mths by myself with no help. It is time for their father, as it is his responsibility to take care of them.
I do plan on going through an attorney tho and make sure we have joint custody and visitation.
Yes, the father, my husband has been in and out of their lives over the past 16 mths out of his anger towards me for ending the marriage, but he has come around in the last 6 mths and says he would like to take them.
I think he will do a great job and this will give me the chance to be able to establish a new life and to also take care of my 11 yr old as well. And who knows, maybe down the road things will change and the kids will come back. But, for now, this is the best decision and I am at peace with it.
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ssmom79
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Yes, I think he probably will do fine with them. Good luck getting yourself back on track.
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AllisonG38
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Thank you:)
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Buckeye
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Don't give him the kids - whatever you do. If he isn't will to support them now what makes you think that he will even let you see them if you hand them over to him.
Go after child support - if he doesn't show up in court, I believe they can still put an order in for the support.
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finz
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[quote] As far as going back to school, this is what my case manager suggested, whether its to finishing up getting certified for teaching or retrain for something else, you do what you have to do right now! And the state will pay for it.
[/quote]
You understand that the state isn't picking from the money tree, right ? The state won't pay for your school. The people who chose a a degree that will help them find employment AND maintained their employment history will be paying for you to get ANOTHER degree. Give the credit where it is due.
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finz
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[quote]At this point I don't care and besides hes not going to get much out of me anyway. [/quote]
Did the kids suddenly start eating less ?
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ssmom79
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*GASP* no money tree???
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Runswithscissors
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I know... I am so disappointed... I'm going back to bed now....!!
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Eve
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Allison......I don't know if you are thinking straight here. IF he has custody of the children, you WILL be paying child support, depending on how much you are making money wise. I doubt he and his mom are going to give you anything but visitation, even in the long run. And visitation is going to be difficult if you are 8 hours away. So, you will be sending him and his mom five, six, seven, or eight hundred dollars a month, or more each and every month for the care of your children you hardly see. And this will go on for years as the children are still young. So, unless you have thought long and hard about this, don't jump into anything.
Also, you are VERY stressed and feel boxed into a corner, and see no way out. And, your reasoning ability may be not what it usually is. Now, you are being shown a light at the end of the tunnel and it probably seems like a savior to you....follow the light and you will get out of this mess. HOWEVER, when you get out, it may not be anything like what you thought it would be. Your little ones will be eight hours away, ........and not just for a night or two or a week or two.....but for EVERY day .....day after day, and month after month......maybe until they are 18. So, please think about this.........the child support you WILL pay, and the fact that you will not have them in you life.
Someone on the board said that this is a common situation right now.....and it is. There are organizations that can and will help women like you in your situation....you just have to find them. Call your local Department of Health or that department in your closest large city or town. They usually have a list of organizations that will help women such as those in your situation. Also try the Catholic church. They also should have a list of organizations that offer help. Even your local town hall may be a resource, also division of family and youth services.
You need to have him pay child support, like yesterday....go to the courthouse and do this immediately.
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