elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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To everyone who said that we were a part of the problem - he was so irresponsible because we provided him things rather than helping him pay to provide for those things himself - you were right. So thanks. We do still support him, but he has to ask for the money and procure services himself. He has really embraced responsibility for himself more than I thought possible.
He is doing well. He was accepted at the university he wants to go to. Not his first choice top-rated school, but a better fit for someone like him I think. He is actually a guest student this semester taking 1 class there in addition to CC so he can start in the Fall as a full-fledged 3rd year electrical engineering major. His grades are good (could be better I think, but I'll take good over mediocre). Though his one engineering class at the university has had only 1 exam so far and he had the highest grade (89) and the class average was 68 - THAT is awesome.
One class that he nearly failed (computing in C) he repeated and did well enough in (B). He liked it so much he is taking the next level of computer science this semester though it isn't required for his major. He said its much easier and actually pretty cool if you pay attention and don't get behind. ROFLMAO. I guess everyone has to learn. I am glad he didn't take TOO long to do it. I expect there will still be stumbles now and then, but it looks like things are on the up.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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So what exactly did you do? You gave him some sort of stipend on a monthly basis and then he chose where to place the money? Does he work as well? Did he pay for his college applications?
I think this is part of the problem with SD. She just sends us a bill for school and we pay it. We give her a small monthly allowance that she mostly uses for printing and maybe to go out once in a while.
Next year will be a whole new game as we really think it's time for her to pay for the bulk of her own schooling. SD also does not have a PT job- I figure if you have time to mess around (and get in trouble as guess what- she did) then you have time to work PT.
Glad it worked out so well for your SS!
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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In a nutshell the stipend thing basically. Not all of it has come to fruition yet, but that is because of his good behavior and circumstances outside his control.
He has 3 jobs. He tutors, he works in the physics lab, and his restaurant job closed but he got another one at cracker barrel.
I still pay his rent (which includes utilities). Mainly because I negotiated with the guy who owned the house a discount to pay it by direct deposit. The lease was up at the end of December. We said if his grades were not B or better he had to move out or renegotiate the lease. Other wise I would keep paying it until May (when he finishes CC and will want to move closer to the university) at which time we will switch to me increasing his stipend. His grades were all B or better so he bought himself an extension.
Right now his stipend is $60/mo for car insurance and a phone. He has to supplement that with his money, because he totalled 2 cars and thus we removed him from our insurance and only pay him the pre-accident difference. We pay him what his cell cost us and kicked him off our plan. He must maintain a working phone where we can contact him or I will cut him off totally. I am not handing out money to people who could be in a ditch for all I know.
We are also paying for the one class he is taking at the university as his loans only cover CC costs. We are maintaining the reimbursement system with the loans (deducting from what we "owe" him what we pay out of pocket for tuition). If he continues to do well he'll get a decent chunk of change when he graduates. We may have to divide it over 2 tax years.
If he keeps his grades up he will get the money we current pay for rent/bills. If not the amount will be reduced. We have a chart for GPA to Living Cost reimbursement we are following.
I also decided that my resentment over his actions were causing me to not be the parent I should be. I am not his mother, but his mother has washed her hands of him for the most part. So I have tried to do a little more for him like what my family did for me (care packages etc.). I can honestly say that sometimes he calls just to chat. I found out from him (instead of Facebook, LOL) he broke up with his girlfriend. Maybe for good this time - for the first time it was totally no drama just over (miracle with this girl - DRAMA QUEEN). He won't say WHY, but that's ok. He has a friend who fixes cars on the cheap and shows him how he does stuff - he is really enjoying learning this stuff and getting his car fixed too.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7783
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Thanks for the update EM. Sounds like it's going well and everyone is breathing a little easier.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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All B's and a couple of PT jobs that is great! Seems like you really looked at it from a parent POV- that's good. I understand the resentment part and it's tough. I have two teens and for the most part they are good kids and good students. SD has been a handful over the years and at times I feel at a loss on what to do with her.
Her grades were good last quarter, she is struggling in one class currently. She doesn't work, but took the RA class because she wants to be a RA next year. Well in the midst of this RA class she was found guilty of 3 violations at the college- partly she was busted by police at a campus party. She BELIEVES that this will have NO effect on her getting a RA position. Although how in the world would it not? Why would the school choose you to be a RA and make sure rules and regulations are followed when you, yourself, cannot? Of course she holds ZERO accountable for her actions- apparently she only showed up at the party to help someone else walk back to their room at 2am... 5 minutes later it was busted by the cops. H was PEEVED- he didn't even speak to her for 5 days after the hearing. I don't know what else to do with her?
Regardless she plans on joining the Navy- she will get a sign on bonus and a monthly stipend until she graduates Nursing school and then head to the Navy for 3 years. I think having HER responsible for the bulk of her schooling is best since we have paid close to 100% the last 2.5 years.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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It is definitely a good feeling to watch your kids make great choices, do well and really experience reality.
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LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
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Now if parents would make them do reality at an early age, like starting at birth, most of these headaches and the bumps and all out teen wars would go quite a bit smoother.
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Empty Nesting
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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Yeah, my daughter (6 yo) is sitting inside at recess today, because I refuse to bring her coat to her. I remind her once every morning (get your coat, get your bookbag, and get in the car) and I brought it to her 3 days in a row before I decided F it. Don't get your coat after I remind you? No recess then. She also has an alarm clock to get up, which she does well with.
I actually have a list of things I learned from SS that I like to call "there is no effing way I want to be dealing with this at 15."
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I agree. My biggest issue is when a kid does something wrong and then LIES about it. WHY can't they just suck it up, tell the truth and assume responsibility? I hate the excuses and trying to make me see that they were conned or forced or persuaded into a bad decision by someone else. Be accountable- that is all I ask. My kids know that because I don't let them get away with it- never have. SD on the other hand- totally a different story.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I actually have a list of things I learned from SS that I like to call "there is no effing way I want to be dealing with this at 15."
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Good idea.
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