SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Something to think about....
Put yourself in BMs shoes before you say she is crazy (she may be). I'd be more than irritated if I was expected to deal with whatever woman my ex is sharing a bed with and not him directly. I didn't have kids with his woman, I had kids with him.
Also, put yourself in her shoes before your husband starts wanting to make crazy suggestions regarding custody. Just say you guys get divorced someday. Second marriages don't have a great percentage rate for success. He trades up and moves. He decides to take your kids with him and his new chickie. Only let you see your child a few days a year. How would you react? How would you feel?
Also, before you start the stuff about BM having a child while the divorce was going on. Isn't the only difference between you guys is that your birth control worked and her's didnt?
I'm not trying to be mean - just trying to get you to see the other of things.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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[quote]Something to think about....
Put yourself in BMs shoes before you say she is crazy (she may be). I'd be more than irritated if I was expected to deal with whatever woman my ex is sharing a bed with and not him directly. I didn't have kids with his woman, I had kids with him. [/quote]
--------->> I wholeheartedly agree with this!!! And I will say it's something ex was VERY good about. I wasn't expected nor WANTED to deal with the the ex wife. Actually it was HER that tried to put me in the middle of things (like sending medical bills addressed to ME, not to ex)
I'd be completely livid if ex hooked up with someone and and they were the primary point of contact. I will say it's a HUGE factor in why exSO and I split up. He wanted wayyyyyyyyy too much control/say in how I dealt with ex and he did sneaky shyt TO insert himself into things. Didn't like it one bit and we fought about it CONSTANTLY!
On the baby part.. I will say, the BM in this got pregnant HOW MANY times?? She should sue her birth control manufacturer ;)
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7806
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Something to think about. This is a very small skewed view of life in the real world. In the real world, there are actually mother's who *gasp* aren't so good at playing that mother role. They'd prefer to be there for the good stuff only, what one may refer to as a Disneyland parent. In this same world there are steppies who can and do take on a more structured or more 'parental' (for lack of a better word) role in the lives of the children. It doesn't make them BETTER, they just take on a different role. And guess what, there are BM's who prefer it. I deal with one. She LOVES her kids, and I'd never call her a bad mom, she's not a bad mom at all. She has different priorities, and that effects her style of parenting.
I'm so over the whole steppies come in and take over bit....I swear BM was THANKFUL when hubby started dating me and she will GUSH how thankful she is to have me as a part of her family. HER family. Maybe some people would be more irritated to deal with a steppie, but for ONCE consider that a BM may enjoy dealing with someone they weren't married to.
Food for thought. Not EVERY situation is some badass steppie shoving mom out of the way, taking over for dad, being the cause for distaste from a BM, etc. etc. etc. THIS is what annoys ME.
Please try to see the other side of things....BAER
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Well, obviously in THIS situation, BM isn't as cool as yours :)
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Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
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Well, lol as long as you realize I am not the insane one on this then.
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Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
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Yes I would fight for my child if I was in her shoes. But I would also work with my ex on visitation. To date she has been unwilling to even give up asn option on what she would agree with. She says she is working on a plan now, we will see.
And about her having babies while the divorce was going, THIS is why I said I was not saying it made us better than her, that it just SUPRISED me that GAL used that in her favor.
I am NOT saying I am better than BM, but honestly she has a child that she pushed that it was DH's. It was not. She had her current husband tested, he was not. After that point she REFUSED to name that real father of her 3rd child.
Maybe I can just hold my head up a little higher is all... I don't know. I am not perfect either but she has done some pure out evil things to both of us. Evil.
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Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
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BM made me the primary contact. About 2 years after the divorce she started texting me and talking to me about everything. She has said to this day that she jokes with people that she feels that it was her and I that divorced not her and DH. This is why she choose to talk to me yesterday about the custody stuff, I am her go to person with everything. I did not start that conversation.
I have always thought it was pretty cool that BM and I have been able to get along and communicate so well. She has told me before how much she appreciates me.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7806
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It's really about the whole assuming that if during a divorce a person meets someone that it will cause drama, cause BM to be resentful, cause issues, compounded with the assuming that an involved steppie is somehow pushing themselves in the role they are in, that they're trying to take over, that they've caused trauma with the bio-parent....eh. It is what it is. We all have our pet peeves here. The general assumption that a stepparent somehow inserted themselves into a place they are not wanted is annoying.
But yes, it has become kinda awesome having a BM like mine. I mean, she has ALWAYS been open and willing to 'share' her kids with me which is pretty cool.
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Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
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And just a general reply to those that keep wanting me think about how BM would feel about this.
Last year during skids baseball practice, BM told me that her DH had been offered a job in LA and was considering taking it. She asked me what kind of visitation DH would want. I told her she would have to talk to him about it because I don't know but I was sure they could work something out.
Now they ended up not moving, I think it was because her DH's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer that month and was very ill. She died four months later.
But she was considering moving and taking the kids.
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MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
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Of course - few would be batting an eye of it was mon moving. Which some even posting how awful your DH is for considering it have done themselves and have thought about doing so if they haven't yet.
It's a sticky situation to be in. I don't envy you! I know you and your husband will do what you think is best for your situation. What anyone else thinks doesn't really matter. I do see both sides though and hope whatever happens is best for all involved. I'll be praying for you guys:).
I do wonder what BM is thinking if she didn't even agree to the original visitation y'all asked for. I don't necessarily blame you for asking for more so you wind up somewhere in the middle. I've seen that advice a lot here. Of course you also want the best relationship you can have with BM. But you're only responsible for your part of that relationship. It's up ro her to do her part.
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