Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
I know, I am back right. I read what everyone said. Everyone. Am I putting ppl on ignore? Nah, I can take it. Really, I think. Maybe. I don't know, but I will try.
DH and I had two very intense conversations about this. Luckily lawyer had not filed and as of right now that is on hold. I don't know if I can clear up everything because I am honestly not going to go back and respond to everything that was said but I guess a few things stuck out that I did want to respond to:
Did I cause the marriage to end? No, DH and I did start seeing each other a few months after they separated.
Their divorce took 3 years. The first year was because she got pregnant with unknown father of her 3rd child and claimed it was DH's. Since her conception date with either while they were still married or very close to their separation date, state determined he was the father. Had to fight child support enforcements that kept coming because she refused at first to get the child DNA tested. Results came back negative for DH. She still tried to pursue child support claming tests were wrong. BM then had 2nd child into the 2nd year of divorce by her current husband. And was pregnant with #3 when the finalized.
Do I think I am better than BM? Ugh, no. Do I think I approach things better maybe make better decisions, me personally not DH, yes. She cussed at me and screamed at me last year in front of Skids. She cussed me out via text msg last summer. She straight our lies to me when I have evidence to prove otherwise. The ONLY time I stood up for myself is when she did it front of the skids. Yes, I let her know that I was not buying her lies. That was the only time. Every other time over the past 7 years that she lied, made snotty comments, or whatever I dealt with it. I did not mean by me saying we waited to have kids that we were better than her. I just found it crazy the GAL would punish DH because we didn't have a child while he was going through the divorce.
I think I handle BM well. Even today she started texting me about the custody thing after DH went to work. We had a decent conversation regarding it. No, she still does not want DH to get that much time in the summer, but we talked about it nicely.
Will DH leave me for a younger thing in the future? lol, no. We balance each other out well. Have we had problems? Sure, what couple hasn't. We had bad problems there for awhile but we worked through them because we are committed and love each other.
We might have to pay lawyer fees, we might have to pay transportation fees. If it happens it happens. Hopefully we can avoid that.
BM said she is working on her plan and we are waiting to see that before we do anything with the lawyer. Maybe it won't be so bad???? Maybe I won't hold my breath...
|
meganb
old hand
Reged: 10/29/05
Posts: 1180
|
|
Nicole, you and your DH just have to do what you feel is right for you.
I'm glad you are trying to work this out between you.
Here's to hoping you, DH, and BM can set down and iron all of this out.
The lawyer I talked to when I was getting ready to move suggested that I go for primary (which since we had 50/50 we already had joint primary) and I talked to my ex about it and we were able to work things out. I hope in the end you and your DH's ex can do the same.
Just sending you good vibes during this time.
If you ever have any questions just pm me, since I too had 50/50 and got what your DH wanted and your BM shot it down.
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
|
|
Dude. She's a skank. It is totally ok to think you are better than her. In the eyes of the law though, skank does not = bad mom.
I am glad you (your DH really) are going to rethink this. I think that unless she is utterly unfair in her proposal OR you really feel like having full custody is a go - that is not the best strategy when you consider all the factors involved. Remember - your lawyer doesn't have to live with the outcome. You do.
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Thank you I forgot to mention that. She is a good mom to those boys and her kids. She loves them very much.
And that is exactly what I told DH when I discussed this with him. I said "The lawyer is not the one that is going to have to live with her after this is all done, we are!"
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
[quote]Did I cause the marriage to end? No, DH and I did start seeing each other a few months after they separated.
------------------>>> Thank you! This confirms what I suspected. For those with reading comprehension issues I never said Nicole CAUSED the divorce, I said that I highly suspected she was a FACTOR. And yes, dating a few months after separation is definitely a FACTOR, meaning the other party may resent and have a tude over their technically still "spouse" moving on quickly with someone else.
Will DH leave me for a younger thing in the future? lol, no. We balance each other out well. Have we had problems? Sure, what couple hasn't. We had bad problems there for awhile but we worked through them because we are committed and love each other.
---------->> That's great.. and I hope it's true for you I really do, BUT.. whether it's you or ANYONE (so don't take it personally) that's all fine and dandy UNTIL all it takes is ONE of the people for ANY reason? To NOT be committed and NOT be in love anymore. Again, that's not directed at YOU, it's just a general observation regarding love, period.
I'm glad your DH has stepped back and re-thought the situation. I sincerely hope that he and BM can come to a reasonable solution without it taking going to court. And i say this from my OWN experience taking the "hit it with guns blazing approach" advised by my lawyers.. HUGE mistake and I wish I'd listened to my GUT and done what I wanted to do in the first place. I'd be $10K richer and not had what ended up being a year of drama and hostility that did NOT need to be.
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
I'm glad you are still here and I'm glad you guys are trying to work this first. I hope you guys can come up with some kind of agreement so you can avoid court. Please let us know how it goes!
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
Nicole, I think you need to do what you need to do. I have always thought you had a good head on your shoulders. You are a good person. I hope it all works out and you get the parenting plan that works well for all. My only concern was that you would be poking a bear. I remember all the nastiness from her to you guys, I also know the nastiness from sd's BM. I just don't want her to withhold visitation, sd's BM did, out of spite. You have got to handle this type a certain way. Some of these people think one size fits all.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
Good Luck!!!
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
/quote"And yes, dating a few months after separation is definitely a FACTOR, meaning the other party may resent and have a tude over their technically still "spouse" moving on quickly with someone else."/quote
You did read the part where BM got pregnant with another mans child either when they were still married or literally right after they separated, right? Why would she resent me from starting to date DH if she was doing the same thing?
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Yes I did. You do realize some people are insane? Why would my ex's first wife resent me 2 years post-divorce? Well supposedly they were divorced, woulda helped had she ACTUALLY divorced him. Anywho.. Why would same woman make it a competition between her child and ours, given she had a bastard baby with her married lover (guy she was bangin WHILE ex and her were married). Why would my ex use these same people to hold up my move?
SOME PEOPLE ARE CRAZY CONTROL FREAKS. Your dh's ex is one if them. Do her reactions make sense? Nope, but they will never. You can't deal with/make sense of irrational.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
Something to think about....
Put yourself in BMs shoes before you say she is crazy (she may be). I'd be more than irritated if I was expected to deal with whatever woman my ex is sharing a bed with and not him directly. I didn't have kids with his woman, I had kids with him.
Also, put yourself in her shoes before your husband starts wanting to make crazy suggestions regarding custody. Just say you guys get divorced someday. Second marriages don't have a great percentage rate for success. He trades up and moves. He decides to take your kids with him and his new chickie. Only let you see your child a few days a year. How would you react? How would you feel?
Also, before you start the stuff about BM having a child while the divorce was going on. Isn't the only difference between you guys is that your birth control worked and her's didnt?
I'm not trying to be mean - just trying to get you to see the other of things.
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
[quote]Something to think about....
Put yourself in BMs shoes before you say she is crazy (she may be). I'd be more than irritated if I was expected to deal with whatever woman my ex is sharing a bed with and not him directly. I didn't have kids with his woman, I had kids with him. [/quote]
--------->> I wholeheartedly agree with this!!! And I will say it's something ex was VERY good about. I wasn't expected nor WANTED to deal with the the ex wife. Actually it was HER that tried to put me in the middle of things (like sending medical bills addressed to ME, not to ex)
I'd be completely livid if ex hooked up with someone and and they were the primary point of contact. I will say it's a HUGE factor in why exSO and I split up. He wanted wayyyyyyyyy too much control/say in how I dealt with ex and he did sneaky shyt TO insert himself into things. Didn't like it one bit and we fought about it CONSTANTLY!
On the baby part.. I will say, the BM in this got pregnant HOW MANY times?? She should sue her birth control manufacturer ;)
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
Something to think about. This is a very small skewed view of life in the real world. In the real world, there are actually mother's who *gasp* aren't so good at playing that mother role. They'd prefer to be there for the good stuff only, what one may refer to as a Disneyland parent. In this same world there are steppies who can and do take on a more structured or more 'parental' (for lack of a better word) role in the lives of the children. It doesn't make them BETTER, they just take on a different role. And guess what, there are BM's who prefer it. I deal with one. She LOVES her kids, and I'd never call her a bad mom, she's not a bad mom at all. She has different priorities, and that effects her style of parenting.
I'm so over the whole steppies come in and take over bit....I swear BM was THANKFUL when hubby started dating me and she will GUSH how thankful she is to have me as a part of her family. HER family. Maybe some people would be more irritated to deal with a steppie, but for ONCE consider that a BM may enjoy dealing with someone they weren't married to.
Food for thought. Not EVERY situation is some badass steppie shoving mom out of the way, taking over for dad, being the cause for distaste from a BM, etc. etc. etc. THIS is what annoys ME.
Please try to see the other side of things....BAER
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Well, obviously in THIS situation, BM isn't as cool as yours :)
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Well, lol as long as you realize I am not the insane one on this then.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Yes I would fight for my child if I was in her shoes. But I would also work with my ex on visitation. To date she has been unwilling to even give up asn option on what she would agree with. She says she is working on a plan now, we will see.
And about her having babies while the divorce was going, THIS is why I said I was not saying it made us better than her, that it just SUPRISED me that GAL used that in her favor.
I am NOT saying I am better than BM, but honestly she has a child that she pushed that it was DH's. It was not. She had her current husband tested, he was not. After that point she REFUSED to name that real father of her 3rd child.
Maybe I can just hold my head up a little higher is all... I don't know. I am not perfect either but she has done some pure out evil things to both of us. Evil.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
BM made me the primary contact. About 2 years after the divorce she started texting me and talking to me about everything. She has said to this day that she jokes with people that she feels that it was her and I that divorced not her and DH. This is why she choose to talk to me yesterday about the custody stuff, I am her go to person with everything. I did not start that conversation.
I have always thought it was pretty cool that BM and I have been able to get along and communicate so well. She has told me before how much she appreciates me.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
It's really about the whole assuming that if during a divorce a person meets someone that it will cause drama, cause BM to be resentful, cause issues, compounded with the assuming that an involved steppie is somehow pushing themselves in the role they are in, that they're trying to take over, that they've caused trauma with the bio-parent....eh. It is what it is. We all have our pet peeves here. The general assumption that a stepparent somehow inserted themselves into a place they are not wanted is annoying.
But yes, it has become kinda awesome having a BM like mine. I mean, she has ALWAYS been open and willing to 'share' her kids with me which is pretty cool.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
And just a general reply to those that keep wanting me think about how BM would feel about this.
Last year during skids baseball practice, BM told me that her DH had been offered a job in LA and was considering taking it. She asked me what kind of visitation DH would want. I told her she would have to talk to him about it because I don't know but I was sure they could work something out.
Now they ended up not moving, I think it was because her DH's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer that month and was very ill. She died four months later.
But she was considering moving and taking the kids.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
Of course - few would be batting an eye of it was mon moving. Which some even posting how awful your DH is for considering it have done themselves and have thought about doing so if they haven't yet.
It's a sticky situation to be in. I don't envy you! I know you and your husband will do what you think is best for your situation. What anyone else thinks doesn't really matter. I do see both sides though and hope whatever happens is best for all involved. I'll be praying for you guys:).
I do wonder what BM is thinking if she didn't even agree to the original visitation y'all asked for. I don't necessarily blame you for asking for more so you wind up somewhere in the middle. I've seen that advice a lot here. Of course you also want the best relationship you can have with BM. But you're only responsible for your part of that relationship. It's up ro her to do her part.
|
gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
|
|
"SOME PEOPLE ARE CRAZY CONTROL FREAKS. Your dh's ex is one if them. Do her reactions make sense? Nope, but they will never. You can't deal with/make sense of irrational."
So if the EX is crazy, and would react to ANYONE, WHENEVER they got involved with him, how was SHE the factor in the divorce? And yes, you said NICOLE was a factor in the divorce, which she most DEFINITELY was not.
--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
|
|
I don't get the whole SMs who deal with BMs are oversateppies. BM has both my cell and DHs. Guess who she calls 100% of the time? Me. Don't know why, never asked. Maybe cause she knows if she leaves the message with me I will harass him til he calls her back (I don't want her thinking I didn't give him the message!). His voicemail only makes him listen once.
And she now knows we started dating while they were still legally married (1 year into their 3 year divorce, after she had another mans baby and left DH mind you, but technically). Now she found out when I testified in court, because DH wanted to be discreet and I didn't meet his kids until after so no one knew but his parents. You know I have never given her any credit for being a bigger person for not being mad about that while living with another man (not babydaddy) and telling the kids he was their dad now. BAER. Not sure why we are looking for a reason to shyt on Nicole here.
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
Agree EM. Some people just have it in for stepparents - it's silly. I just find it soooo interesting if the genders were reversed or if it weren't a SM who is a parental figure posting, she'd be getting different responses.
|
Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
|
|
I don't have it in for stepparents at all. I just have a different POV. She states things that have different implications than what she is trying to say.
From the way I understand her posts, the last few threads that she recently started, she has beein trying to IMPLY that the BM is not fit or is not a good parent. She has stated that the BM is a good Mom but yet states other things that imply that she is not. Just my opinion and the way I interpreted what she stated.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
I did not say everyone who disagreed with her had it in for stepparents.
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
How would you know? Don't you have all us hater types on "ignore"??? ROTFLMAO!!! She's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkkkkkkk....
|
annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
|
|
I was/am a fully involved stepparent and I never thought I was "better" then bm I just did things a lot differently.
I was raised a certain way and bm was raised about as polar opposite as one could be so of course we would handle things differently.
I do not understand the not wanting a stepparent to do things with/for your children - was I suppose to sit on my rump, eating bonbons, watching soap operas when your child needs lunch or their hair brushed or a nighttime story or when they have a cold and need comforting, help with their homework, buy them things that they want or need, take them out to do something fun etc... my husband worked a lot and had rotating shifts so yeah a lot was left to me and I did it without complaint and with love because they are my husbands children.
What would the bm's here suggest we stepparents do when your child is in our home the majority of the time and in my case 3000 miles away?
ETA: this was a quick reply
Edited by annieo (03/13/12 11:47 AM)
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
The "hater types" are not the only ones conversing here.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
What's a "hater type" anyway:). Learn something new every day!
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Oh yes.. of course. BAER.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
I think Tweeby just thinks THIS person is that way, not steppies in general. I have personally received the overall disdain for stepparents from SRS and actually from LB yesterday with the whole, go have your own kid and leave mine alone outlook....for those of us who cannot have our own, well this could be an ouch. For those of us who work hard to maintain and cultivate a relationship with a parent to ensure the best interests of the kids, it's sort of a slap in the face to be melded together by some of the blanket statements here.
It's been implied if a husband works the kids shouldn't be spending time with a stepparent....GASP the HORROR! It's just sort of archaic I guess I thought people would be a little more progressive with their thinking when it came to sharing a family post-divorce/children with people who aren't bio-parents.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
Oh yes.. of course. BAER.
___________________________________
Really? Are you serious, I mean did you even look at the people who posted in this thread?? Why not stop trying to start drama when there is none. I mean I thought you were done with all that....yet here you are, posting and trying to be combative....for what? Nevermind, it is what it is and you are who you are.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
It doesn't hurt to look at this through someone else's eyes.
Also, why expect the BM to come up with a long distance parenting plan? Give her something in writing about what you'd like to do. SHe's not moving and has nothing to lose by not doing it. She will start a status quo and isn't that kind of hard to change?
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
We always need the hateful bm opinion and can always count on a few.
Maybe if Bm came up with a plan that would suit her first, it could save time, because you know everything they put out there will be shot down through those Bm eyes.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Then I apologize, because in no way am i trying to show her as unfit. Questionable choices maybe, but like I said she loves her kids and is dedicated to them.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
I never said we expected her to come up with a plan. But she has shot down ours. DH showed me on his phone yesterday a conversation they had about what to do. He gave her two different options, she said no to both. If she hasn't given us what she WOULD agree to, then what are we suppose to do.
Status quo for the past 7 years is 50/50.
So she has received in writing what DH wants. She said no. Does he just move and not do anything else?
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Yes, it would be up to the MOVING parent to come up with a proposed plan.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
I thought the moving parent did come up with a proposed plan but the BM is refusing to give up Summer and anything longer than 2 weeks.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
Thank you EM and I agree. BM wanted ME to be the go between at certain points BECAUSE she says we are married so I should know what's going on. BM preferred me because we actually got along better than her and H did.
Anyway- not everything is black and white. It's apparent to me that some of the things people are questioning are not real problems between BM and Nicole's H.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
DId she receive it in text, or did he make it more official? A certified letter with everything set out in writing. (and not a wacky plan where she gives up everything)
If you move and she has the kids. WIth no plan set-up before you move, it would be possible for her to say the status quo has changed. The kids are enrolled in their school, she will have them all of the time. You moved and left them with her. So, after a few months that will be the status quo. Her next move would be to file for child support.
Kind of late now, but why did you wait until 2 weeks before you were moving to do this? Doesn't the original decree say something about a timeline for moves? Mine specifies 6 weeks before a move of 65 miles, you have to send the other parent a certifed letter detailing the move.
ETA: Texintg may be easy, but sometimes you need it in writing to make it official.
Edited by SRS (03/13/12 12:38 PM)
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
Go online and see if you can find sample long-distance parenting plans.
She most likely won't have to give up the entire summer, more like 1/2 if you do it right. Honestly, I wouldn't give up my entire summer with the kids. It isn't fair for one parent to do all of the schooling, sick days, and stuff while the other parent gets all of the fun time. Especially since moving is a choice.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
We were given a 2 week notice. Seriously. That is how long his company gave him. Actually if I had not been adiment about putting my 2 week notice in at work we would have been moved that week. Insane right. But this is why DH approached BM last year at the end of summer when he was ending his training and could be placed anytime. He wanted to give her time to think about what she would want. We have kept her updated through this whole process even back when he was offered another position but turned it down because it was going to take us 12 hours away.
His decree does not state anything about him moving away just if we are moving the kids out of state. That is why he is wanting to file with the lawyer before we move so he can get the ball rolling. And he has already planned on the child support thing, we have done the calculator and are prepared for what we will end up having to pay.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
And he has already planned on the child support thing, we have done the calculator and are prepared for what we will end up having to pay.
--------------------
I am sure it won't be much more than you were spending on the kids when they were with you 50% of the time. Kids are expensive. Financially I hope it's a good move for you guys, I know how stressful long distance parenting plans can be. They are workable. It worked for us and now we have SD living with us and her Mom no longer speaks to her. I believe things work out for the best, the way they are suppose to.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
So, have you given her anything reasonable in writing? Not e-mail, not texts, and not conversations at the ballfield.
Stating this is what we suggest for a long distance parenting plan since we are making the choice to move....
Why do you have to move the same time as your DH?
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Look at Texas, it has a pretty detailed/well worded 100+ miles long distance parenting plan. I believe it may be included as standard wording in divorces there?
I personally find 2 weeks notice hard to believe. Never heard of such a thing in 25 years of working as a professional, and both major and smaller corporations. First of all, a smaller company isn't likely to move you. A larger corporation? There's money involved, buying and selling houses, buying out leases, setting up new ones, yadda yadda yadda. 2 weeks from notice to move? Really really hard to believe.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
But this is why DH approached BM last year at the end of summer when he was ending his training and could be placed anytime. He wanted to give her time to think about what she would want. We have kept her updated through this whole process even back when he was offered another position but turned it down because it was going to take us 12 hours away.-------------------------------------------------
He finished training so he could be placed at ANYTIME.
Same thing was to happen to us when we lived in the Midwest. The company that H worked for was closing so he would be placed at any time with little to NO notice. We would be lucky to get more than just 2-3 weeks notice. That is why he started looking out on his own, because it looked like Michigan would be the place. Either there or overseas, but they wouldn't know UNTIL they were ready. We didn't want to wait it out so we started looking on our own. Sad thing is that was the best company he ever worked for...
One of the times we got moved they put us up at a Residence Inn 2 bedrooms for 2 months. No worries about buying/selling houses and leases right out the gate. The other company had "apartments" ready at all times so H moved into one of those while he house shopped and we stayed back.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
Why wouldn't she move at the same time with her hubby? It's not like you think SM should do visitation or help with the SK's at all...so no point is staying.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
|
|
I am sorry you find it hard to believe. It happened to a friend of mine recently. In this economy - they know people will go and do it with little or no compensation. My friend is staying here trying to sell their house, while her husband stays at a valueinn in TX.
And if you read her post she clearly stated they told them last summer it COULD happen. They didn't say the likelihood or who, when or how until recently and he was given 2 weeks to report. That is basically what happened with my friend too.
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
That's the Midwest for you. Just glad we are not on the same page as CS in New York. We would still be paying CS...Yikes...Sorry but that is one ate up state, along with Illinois.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
Doesn't the military sorta do the same thing? Here is your orders and you have to be there on that date?
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
So, when you started the process to move a year ago, did your husband present anything to BM in writing? and not a nasty - we want the kids all the time - conversation.
...this is what we propose for when we move....
Not texting, not a conversation at the ballpark between you and her.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
I have also found many plans that states what DH is asking for. And pretty much all of them included split transportation.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
What's up your craw? Did I say SM shouldn't help anywhere?
I do think that in a 50/50 custody and both sides are involved (but SM is doing 1/2 of the parenting), they shouldn't try to do a move away and attempt full custody.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
DH asked the lawyer about the texts if it was enough to show she was unwilling to accept his offers. Lawyer said as long as he has hard proof showing what he offered and that she turned it down, it was enough.
Company thinks that DH's success is based on me being there to support him.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
No, you said he was trying for full custody. That is not a long distance parenting plan.
Write down something reasonable and present it - don't be obtuse on purpose.
Once something is written down and presented, then negotiate.
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
|
|
I can only speak for our community (Navy, Officer) and that would be a resounding "NO!" that is not how they typically do things. Mainly because government paperwork is S L O W. And it takes a lot of that to move someone. For example i can tell you right now that we will be moving August/Sept of 2013, January 2014, Summer 2015, Summer 2017, January 2018, January 2021, January 2023, and so on. He moves on a career path, changes jobs at a certain time, and each job may mean a move. But typically he knows at least 6 months in advance WHERE he will be going. This last move was frustrating, because while they told us where, they couldn't (due to budget not being passed issues) give it to us in writing until 2 months before. Without the writing you cannot start a move. And waiting to start an August move in Hampton Roads until June? Meant we had to muscle in to get our stuff picked up and had a totally craptastic contractor.
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
That is the most sexist thing I've heard in years. Are they paying you, too?
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Well, I can't prove to you that it is what happened. This is how it played out though:
Regional VP told DH and I about the location on Thursday, that night I talked to BM about it and that it wasn't 100% but it was likely we would take it. We went there Monday, signed a lease Wednesday, came home, sent the letter to BM thursday, she received it Saturday, and we are now on Tuesday.
His current GM was offered his position on a Thursday, he moved on Monday.
It's not a huge company, I think they have like 111 lots or something in 8 states. But they are not small, they gave us a moving allowance.
If you don't believe me I don't know what else to say.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
that kind of made me smile a little..... :O)
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
So,l in 2 years when they decide to move you again - are you planning on uprooting the boys again to a different city? Sounds like you and your husband need to figure out your plans for the next 10 years or so on paper and make decisions about his kids.
Don't want to be caught speechless again and it sounds like it is possible for you to move no notice every few months.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Oh, when he presented it to her via text message it was about her maintaining full custody and him having visitation.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
No they are not paying me. They just expect their GM's to be "married" to their lots and knows that a lot falls on the "wife/SO".
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Once he gets his lot he stays. It will be up to him to move if he chooses. And he will move if something is offered closer to the kids.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
So Sm is doing 1/2 the parenting? I guess dad works 24/7?
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
So Sm is doing 1/2 the parenting? I guess dad works 24/7?
--------------------
Apparently people read into things as they want. I understood that SM would be doing the transportation... Obviously that means she would be doing almost ALL, now 1/2 of the parenting. Nicole is like Super Woman!
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Financially it will be good for us, this is one of the only reasons DH is doing this. When he starts earning bonuses, 6-8 months from now, his income alone will be twice what our incomes together are now.
I doubt it will be much different than what we pay with 50/50 either. The gas alone we spend each month will probably be close to what he has to pay in child support.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Didn't you know that!! More like Super Stepmom, but I kind of already think I am.... lol
About a year ago I had my managers change my schedule at work, so now I wake up at 3am so that I am off work in time to drive to the kids school and pick them up everyday, because, as silly as it sounds,it gives me much joy. I love the convoy of parents cars in front of the school ready to pick up their kids and hear all about their days.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
Well if you seen Nicole, she looks like Super Woman. Long black hair, big tata's, little waste, a total knockout...no wonder the BM was out screwing everybody and their brother to prove she was still wanted.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
lol, i wish....
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
So you moving closer to me?
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
Eh, I think it's pure jealousy on the BM's part when they take issue with how much a stepparent actually parents. If they were secure in their own "motherhood" and realized that MOST stepparents are not trying to usurp her position...would be so much healthier for her and kids.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
I agree. Funny thing is in situations of BMs and SMs I think one or the other tend to find problems that don't exist. Either the SM is parenting or being a Mom too much to their children or not enough. They just invent a problem because that is easier than just being believing that us evil StepMoms aren't trying to take their place. And if we aren't trying to take their place then we simply don't treat the SK like one of our own.
I have dealt with BOTH sides from BM. AT first she wanted my input and wanted me as part of the package- because H and I are married. Then it was- you don't treat all the kids the same. Apparently BM called her SD, her "daughter". I always called SD my "stepdaughter" because SD had a MOTHER. I was never trying to take her Mom's place. Now I call her my daughter because her Mother plays no part in her life.
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
Yeah, I agree with you. My son has a step-mom and I've always said...as long as she treats him right, I would never slam her for doing any of the parenting over there. I just couldn't. I know what it's like first hand dealing with a BM like that and I vowed I would NEVER be like that. I love my child TOO much to be like that.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
|
|
[quote]Last year during skids baseball practice, BM told me that her DH had been offered a job in LA and was considering taking it. She asked me what kind of visitation DH would want. I told her she would have to talk to him about it because I don't know but I was sure they could work something out. [/quote]
And had she moved, IMO, she should be the long-distance parent and your dh the primary parent. And she should pay all of the transportation costs. My opinion on moveaways don't change based on gender.
But that isn't what is happening now. So it's not what you have to deal with. What she considered then is irrelevant. What is relevant is that your dh and you ARE moving while she is not.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
|
|
[quote]Agree EM. Some people just have it in for stepparents - it's silly. I just find it soooo interesting if the genders were reversed or if it weren't a SM who is a parental figure posting, she'd be getting different responses. [/quote]
I don't have it in for stepparents. I just don't think that they should be the ones doing the vast majority of their spouses parenting. In the OP's case, from my understanding, the stepmom is doing just that. As the mother, if I am available and he's not, the kid(s) should be with me. And vice versa.
BTW, I do think that it is great when stepparents step up to the plate with the parents aren't that involved.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
|
|
[quote]
Status quo for the past 7 years is 50/50.[/quote]
And that would certainly prevent her from moving the kids away and assigning the NCP title to the father. It also works the other way.
50/50 is gone regardless of status quo. When your DH and you chose to move, you pretty much threw status quo out the window.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
I agree Goodmom.
However some act as if a SP is in any way involved the world is going to come to an end.
It's whatever works for each individual situation. This isn't Cinderella.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
And that would certainly prevent her from moving the kids away and assigning the NCP title to the father. It also works the other way.
50/50 is gone regardless of status quo. When your DH and you chose to move, you pretty much threw status quo out the window.
----------------------------------------------------
Not according to MT's newest thread. They had 50/50 and the OP was allowed to move.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
In the OP's case, from my understanding, the stepmom is doing just that. As the mother, if I am available and he's not, the kid(s) should be with me. And vice versa.
------------------------------------------------------
Not something the OP stated just something others conjured up. She does most of the transportation, that is not the same as doing most of the parenting.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
SRS conjured it up. Said it, then repeated it until GM believed her apparently.
People should not spend so much time being offended. SM in my case probably did a lot of the parenting, as I did when I was married to him. Don't want someone else in your kids lives???? Don't get divorced. No other way to prevent it. People spend years making themselves miserable trying to control, unsuccessfully, other people.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
She has also said she does all of the communication. She also does the driving.
I HAVE NEVER SAID THAT IT IS WRONG FOR A STEPPIE TO BE INVOLVED.
In my opinion, it is wrong however, for someone with 50/50 and 2 involved parents to try to do a move away and take the kids. It is wrong for them to expect the BM to come up wtith the long distance parenting plan and threaten her with custody if she doesn't agree with their plan. Especially since the move away is like yesterday....
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
I think you forget to read all pieces of the information given. She does a lot of the communication in regards TO transportation, because she does most of the transportation.
Her H did some of the communication too, see post below.
In this post just a couple pages back, from Nicole:
"I never said we expected her to come up with a plan. But she has shot down ours. DH showed me on his phone yesterday a conversation they had about what to do. He gave her two different options, she said no to both. If she hasn't given us what she WOULD agree to, then what are we suppose to do."
THE DH WAS DOING THE COMMUNICATION!!!
ETA: So although Nicole does some of the communication because the BM wants it that way, her DH also does some if he was the one talking about the parenting plan.
Edited by Cassie23 (03/13/12 09:00 PM)
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
Nicole wrote, "But this is why DH approached BM last year at the end of summer when he was ending his training and could be placed anytime. He wanted to give her time to think about what she would want. We have kept her updated through this whole process even back when he was offered another position but turned it down because it was going to take us 12 hours away."
So it is apparent the DH also does discuss BIG issues with the BM and it is NOT JUST Nicole.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
What about skids spending time with the sibling? Should their time at our house be all about just seeing dad? They have a sister here, them bonding with her is just as important.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
So then status quo doesn't mean anything?
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
ONCE AGAIN, we are NOT expecting BM to come up with a plan, she said she was coming up with one ON HER OWN. DH gave her two options, she has refused both of them and refused to discuss with either one of us what she would want.
Also, again, he is no longer going to file for full custody. So, after this post that should be done. He actually went in yesterday and signed the paperwork with the lawyer to file for her retaining residence and him visitation. Lawyer is suppose to file it today with the courts. BM should be served soon.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
Also, again, he is no longer going to file for full custody. So, after this post that should be done. He actually went in yesterday and signed the paperwork with the lawyer to file for her retaining residence and him visitation. Lawyer is suppose to file it today with the courts. BM should be served soon.
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
[quote]What about skids spending time with the sibling? Should their time at our house be all about just seeing dad? They have a sister here, them bonding with her is just as important. [/quote]
Just my two cents, you're speaking of a STEP sibling? No, I don't view that as being "just as important". Not at all. Their PARENT is their PARENT and the time is supposed to be about PARENT and CHILD BONDING. Steps? Can be gone tomorrow, "just like that" {snaps fingers}. The parent/child bond is the purpose of the visits.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
half-sibling. it is their sister. my DD's dad is skids dad.
THEIR SISTER! omgosh, i really had no idea someone could actually say spending time with a SIBLING isn't important. shocked right now..... shocked....
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
yes another reply because I can't believe you said that, but if siblings are not important, then why was GAL going to give BM full custody because she did not want to split the siblings. Yes, their half-siblings.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
My brother is technically my half brother. But that's just a technicality.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
Some families are different Nicole, some people here don't understand Family, they have never had close family relatives.
Lb for one has NO sisters/brothers at all. Grew up in a crazy unloving family.
I have one true blood sister and 3- 1/2 siblings. The word 1/2, we never use, they are my brother's and sister.
You can beat your head on a rock all day long trying to explain yourself, but ones that never had the family bond, will never get it.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
I know, I know. But for someone who likes to rip my posts apart you think they would remember the whole fight about DH and I waiting until the divorce was over to have a kid and how I apparently thought that made me better than BM.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
Hit the nail on the head, both LeAnne and Nicole.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
Ripping post/people apart is what this site is about anymore. It's not about help, it's about let's search back to 2005, and repost something you said 7 years ago.
Then let's pull out the steak knives and see how far we can go to cut out someone's heart.
You have been gone for a bit, we have lost some really great people and haven't had a new poster stay for quite awhile. Most left, due to the constant attacks and name calling.
Quite a few of us have become FB friends.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Be as floored as you wanna be. I was never keen on the whole divorced with children/step/half thing to begin with. From my own situation, I've totally soured on it. Like my ex's siutation, with the first wife, and then their kids, then there's umpteen OTHER kids. Fvck that. Just literally makes me ill. I'm soooooo happy my daughter is now far away from that.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
You might be soured on it, but you never know what your D will want in the future with her sister(I mean 1/2 sibling) unless of coarse you have enough time to sour her on the idea too? Just like you and KK, you are "like sisters" from what you have told us.
They could become best friends/sisters in the future.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
Well I haven't looked back at your posts to "read up" on what you like/dislike or are keen too. All I know about you is how you have been responding to my posts the past few days.
It is really sad that you have that opinion because I see how much my DD looks up to her brothers. Everyday I pick her up from school she asks "Are we picking up my brothers today?" She adores them and I can't imagine ANYONE telling me that their bond in not important.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
[quote]Well I haven't looked back at your posts to "read up" on what you like/dislike or are keen too. All I know about you is how you have been responding to my posts the past few days.
It is really sad that you have that opinion because I see how much my DD looks up to her brothers. Everyday I pick her up from school she asks "Are we picking up my brothers today?" She adores them and I can't imagine ANYONE telling me that their bond in not important. [/quote]
Agree 100%. I feel sorry for children who are taught half siblings aren't as important as full. IME it does not matter. I think those relationships are very important and should be encouraged.
|
Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
|
|
General reply-
In our home... half siblings are extremely important.... I can't imagine them not being!!! After we are dead and gone... that is who my daughter will have.....her brother from me and her sister from her dad. We always have invited her sister here to our home and they have always included my son in their stuff...... Thank God for that....
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Surprised you don't remember as i believe we've conversed about it before.
My situation is I am a 2nd wife, divorced from a man who has another child 5 years older than our daughter, with his first wife. He has always had basically 50/50 with that child, highly involved, pays full child support etc. She is a psychobytch from hell who kinda sorta failed to inform him she never ACTUALLY divorced him. Didn't find out til 2 weeks after we closed on our house and a few months after we got engaged.
Anywho, we were married about 15 months before he left. We had an extremely problematic pregnancy with dd, with between us, spending 4 months in the hospital (me 6 weeks, her 9). DD was born 3 months prematurely.
Her father left about 9 months after she got home from the NICU. Basically was a choice (in his head) between working to help support our family,or his perceived "loss" of time with his other daughter. Rather than adjust his vistation (which, for the record, would have given him MORE time and he'd see the child FIVE days a week versus 4), he elected to leave.
His world revolves around the other child. Those who know the situation refer to my daughter as 'the accessory'. She's kinda like Skipper to a Barbie doll. You drag Skipper out to play with Barbie but Barbie's really the main/most important doll.
My does NOT see our daughter without the other child present. I can't name the last time. My daughter views their time as "playdates" and has already said she won't go if her sister isn't there. Ex is FINE with that and assumes his relationship with the other child will start waning in a year or two, at which time, his relationship with our child will wane too.
When I did my move-away, I had permission from him in our divorce. He realized that his first wife would have a canary so he sued me to block me. His star witnesses? His first wife and the guy she was banging behind ex's back when they were married. It was interesting. My ex will rarely do anything to help out regarding dd.. it's like pulling teeth, but apparently it's no problem to watch his first wife's and (still married????) boyfriend's kid on a moment's notice. Wanna guess how well it went over with our daughter, who already has a pretty low opinion of her father's regard for her feelings (he's told her, flat out, that he and her half-sister "don't care how you feel"), when he spent "their" visitation weekend paying attention to her half-sister's half-brother? Not well at all. Been a rough few days frankly.
So yes, I have an EXTREMELY poor opinion of the whole thing and my view, bad as it was before? Has gotten exponentially worse over the years. To me it has become nothing more than Jerry Springer-show fodder.. and I prefer my seat to be in the audience not on stage.
You see what you see, what I see is a child who KNOWS she's second best.. at BEST. And this weekend? She learned she can and would get dropped to third best in a heartbeat. Broke my heart to hear her say, crying "daddy only has two hearts and I guess he gave mine away for the weekend. Doesn't daddy care about my feelings??" Sadly? In my case? The answer to that is NO.
so I'll apologize.. you're definitely getting the brunt of my own issues this week and I am sorry for that. Right now? I just hate being divorced, I hate the whole "half" business, I hate all of it. Makes me physically ill. Honestly? I pray my daughter does NOT get too attached, because my ex is willing to let that other child go off and not do visits etc, and when that happens? The relationship between the CHILDREN is tied to HIM and once he breaks the tie with child 1? MY child will lose her father AND the half-sibling. Sucks. And yeah, I have a crappy attitude about it this week.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
I have been gone awhile and only remember a few. But thank you for the summary. I get where you are coming from now and you know what, that $ucks for your DD. She is losing out on two very important relationships.
Thank you for apologizing. That alone shows me you are just really having a bad week. Just please remember their is a 5 year bond right now between DD and Skids, a good bond.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
ExH just dropped another set of step-siblings for the kids. The also have a 1/2 sibling that is in her 20's that they've never met and don't know about.
I am jaded - I admit it. And my sitch is an extreme.
So far the kids have had step siblings (or at least the kids of the women he hooks up with) ranging in age from 35 to 10. They no longer get attached to them because they understand they will be gone when Daddy moves on to the next woman.
Yes, it has gotten crazy here. Daddy was living at a local hotel last I knew.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
You need to put crazy behind you. If you let that crazy world in your brain, it will make you a mean and an ugly person to include wrinkles. Trust me on this, BTDT, but the longer you have that hate spewing out of your pores, the less attractive you are here and IRL.
I know your bowl is running over and it can get the best of you.
I think you need some me time. Hire a sitter and just have a weekend to yourself to regroup.
I know you are sick of men, but you can't let one azzhole dictate how all men are. Some want to wait till the kids are grown to meet someone.
Sorry but that is not natural in humans. Everyone needs to be loved, coddled, kissed and just for companionship.
Mr. Right can come along, but as long as you keep up with the HATE trapped on the inside, the negative sings loud and clear on the outside too.
I don't think you are naturally a mean girl, just ex in your head, the hand he dealt you is piss poor, causing you to just hate everything around you.
Life is just to short not to be happy and the only one that can change that is you.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
The also have a 1/2 sibling that is in her 20's that they've never met and don't know about.
----------------------------------------------
Did he not have any relationship with this child when you were around? I think that could have been a huge red flag.
I know when I first met H- he and SD had this beautiful relationship. He saw her almost every weekend and at least a couple times during the week. SD was definitely a "Daddy's Girl". I think as SD grew up and grew up WITH BM...BM leaned on SD as more of a friend. I think having a relationship/marrying someone with a kid is TOUGH. I would not choose to do it again, unless maybe the kids were grown, out of the house and not relying on the parents for help constantly.
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
|
|
I am going to clarify that my issue was not/is not your husband WANTING custody and to take the kids with him on the move. My issue is/was that his intention was not to have custody but to ask for custody while WANTING a long distance parenting plan.
I understand the "shoot for the moon" theory. I do not agree with putting the other parent through the stress of asking for something you don't really want. I do not agree that a 50/50 involved parent has the risk of becomong a long distance parent when they have no made a choice to change things. Sorry if I'm one of the people being "harsh" but I'm not hand holding or head patting. It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the situation.
Personally I'm very glad that my CO is specific in that it says if either x or I choose to move the moving parent becomes the NCP.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
|
|
[quote]What about skids spending time with the sibling? Should their time at our house be all about just seeing dad? They have a sister here, them bonding with her is just as important. [/quote]
Who said anything about never spending time with their sister at your place? Not me, what I said was that if the father isn't available to the extent that the SM is doing the vast majority of the parenting, then the child should be with the mother. In other words, if the father is leaving before the child gets up and coming home after the child goes to bed, 50/50 physical isn't in that child's best interest. EOW would work better in that type of scenario. It's more important that the child actually spend time with either mother or the father. If you are doing most of the parenting and the mother is availabe, your dh clearly can't handle 50/50 physical. Or even primary placement.
But since your dh and you are moving, 50/50 physical is gone.
ETA: Just so that we are clear, I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, so I do know what it is like to have siblings. I just don't think that the sibling relationship trumps being with a parent.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
|
|
[quote]So then status quo doesn't mean anything? [/quote]
If you weren't moving and the mother went to reduce the parenting time, then, yes, it would mean something.
But that isn't what is happening in your case. Your dh and you are moving away. Status quo is out the window because of your move.
There is also one other impact that your dh may not have considered when the decision to move was made:
Once you actually move, the mother is now free to move where ever she wishes. And she will, in all likelihood, retain the custody of the kids. By moving, your dh has shown the courts that he doesn't have a problem with being a long-distance parent. Even filing for custody at this point isn't going to stop that as your case isn't even going to be heard before you move. Your situation is not an emergency and therefore will take longer than 2 weeks to be heard.
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
In SRS' defense, coming from "crazy" as well.. a) finding someone while in your 40's, with small aged children? Ain't easy. Younger guys don't want the baggage, guys your age are likely already done with their kids and don't want your baggage and older guys are also likely done with their kids and once again, don't want your baggage. OR they are looking to bang 20 year old supermodels. Let's be realistic. Honestly I could (and should) write a book on this stuff).
Anyway, so you FIND someone. More than likely, you're either gonna find someone your own age who has kids and probably has ex wife drama (see my ex) OR you're gonna find some guy in his 40's who is either married once, but no kids, or worse NEVER married NO kids. (see my exSO). In this scenario? They are usually pretty ill prepared to deal with having young children and WORSE are totally ill prepared to deal with an ex. If they're 40 something and never married? There's a REASON.
"Just go out" and find a guy is easy to say. Gotta pay for sitters (easily $50 a night) et cetc etc. Just not worth it.
|
Nicole
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/25/05
Posts: 1762
|
|
DH drives the kids to school every morning. He gets home and usually has a couple hours with them before they go to bed. Sundays he spends all day with them. During the school week I spend about 3 more hours with them than DH each day. Saturdays he does work and when he comes home he usually stays up late with the kiddos.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
Thanks, LB. You are right. Guys our age are not suited for a person who has their kids 100% of the time. Believe me.....
Plus, I don't need a guy to complete my life. I have a huge family, friends, kids, church, and work.....
Yeah, a guy just doesn't fit in at this point.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
Funny enough I have 4 single male friends who all in the last 3 years have started committed relationships (2 have married). They are all in their late 30's. 3 of them are with women who have children- they ALL have never been married and have NO kids. 1 is doing just as you suggested some might- found himself a 19 year old. UGH!!
Of the two that married- one has decided not to have children, unlike what he originally thought. He said after seeing the work ONE child is he just doesn't think he has it in him to have one together. He is also in the midst of becoming successful musically (internationally known).
Then you have someone like my sister- who happened to find TWO different guys- one with a kid and one without for her two last relationships. Neither seem to mind that she has two children, one in which I would consider a "problem child".
My brother and his X divorced- they have two kids. She found herself a guy never been married with no kids- who doesn't seem to really even like her kids or want to be bothered with kids. My brother found a woman with two kids- one is 6 and the other 20...his kids are 5 and 7. I think I have seen it all- on all sides of the spectrum.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
I never had a problem finding guys to date when I was single (28-30) with three children. My BFF sure doesn't have a problem. IMO, it's in the attitude. If you are happy, it will show, if you are unhappy, that too can't be hid for long. I know, BM can't keep a man longer than a year or so. She's been serious about 6 men since their divorce. She doesn't have a problem finding them, just keeping them. She's successful and pretty (now her kids are grown), but has a nasty disposition. She can hide if for a while in the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship, but when the newness wears off just a bit? They all run. She's not a nice person.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
I am older than you think. Quite a bit. Guys my age are grandfathers.
ETA: I have retired from 2 careers....
Edited by SRS (03/14/12 08:10 PM)
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
Debi and Goodmom are giving good advice. They are not being harsh. THey are being realistic.
If you want rainbows and sunshine blown up your arse that is fine, but normally on DS it doesn't happen.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
I didn't realize that since you have two small kids. I assumed you were early 40's. Yes all my friends are in their late 30's to early 40's.
One guy in my church group for instance is 42 and he just married a woman with two kids- 8 and 10- he had never been married or had kids either. I think there are some good ones out there, just may be hard to find!!
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
|
|
My stepfather has only been married to my mother and has no children. They were 40 when they married and she had me (15) and my sis (12). They dated for 3 years prior to that.
It happens.
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
General reply:
Do you have to have a man to feel complete? To feel you've done something with your life?
|
annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
|
|
I do not need a man to feel complete but it is nice to have the companionship and emotional intimacy and to know someone is there to lean on in the good times and the bad it is also great to have someone be supportive of things I do, like tackling college at my age with responsibilities and a child at home so I can maintain the grades I do. And of course there in the physical intimacy that one does not have with friends and family.
Could I do all this but the physical intimacy without my husband - sure.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
To fill complete NO, but to have a companion, someone to talk to, lay in bed with, sex, vacation with, eat dinner with...Yes I love a man in my life for all kinds of reasons.
That I have done something with my life? No, I do all kinds of things with my life man or not. I do quite a bit of things, sometimes Matt is with me, sometimes he has his own thing going on.
I complete my own life.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
No, don't need one to feel complete. I have to say, over the years, I've probably accomplished far more when NOT with a man, than WITH one. My first husband would be an exception BUT, I also did not make my marriage my priority, quite frankly. I was very young and I was building a career. Thank goodness I did :):)
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
I do think that I have changed Matt as far as him completing his life. He does more things for himself because I push him too.
Like the stuff we do for kids, Matt was like do what? Santa House what? He went from thinking I was crazy to really having a blast. He drives the mule that pulls the sleigh for 5 hours, then he wanted to have bells to ring as he drives, then he added the stereo for Christmas Music, then he wanted a Santa Hat...it has turned him into a jolly old soul.
He has become more out going, he loves to go on little weekend trips.
He never really got to do much as a kid, child abuse, alcoholic dad, pentecostal church, no band no sports, just sad really.
Our first Christmas together, I spent a ton of money in Christmas lights, he had our place decorated like the North Pole...it was like he got to do the childhood he never got.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
[quote]General reply:
Do you have to have a man to feel complete? To feel you've done something with your life? [/quote]
No. My hubby complements me. But he does not complete me. Having a hubby is not an accomplishment. It's a privilege to share my life with him.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
Great way to word it! Agree:)
|
RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
|
|
In life, one size does not fit all. We are all different. :)
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
Totally agree. Life would be pretty darn lonely without my husband in it. He is my best friend and boy...he sure does make me laugh (always...he's a nut). Just the other day, I had someone ask if we had been married long (as in...are we still in the honeymoon phase?). I told her we've been married for almost 12 years and every year is better than the one before. She was SHOCKED that we had been married so long and still be lovey dovey. I felt kind of bad for HER, that she doesn't have that.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
[quote]Totally agree. Life would be pretty darn lonely without my husband in it. He is my best friend and boy...he sure does make me laugh (always...he's a nut). Just the other day, I had someone ask if we had been married long (as in...are we still in the honeymoon phase?). I told her we've been married for almost 12 years and every year is better than the one before. She was SHOCKED that we had been married so long and still be lovey dovey. I felt kind of bad for HER, that she doesn't have that. [/quote]
I love it! When we were in Indonesia someone said something similar to me...then made a reference that most people are bored with each other after that long. I said "He facinates me." then she gasped and said "Still?" LOL, um yes, he does.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
[quote]General reply:
Do you have to have a man to feel complete? To feel you've done something with your life? [/quote]
Only single people ask this silly question. Of course a man doesn't "complete" you. I agree with the response of "He compliments me". We have so much fun together. I spent 2 years single (3 before I married). I loved taking care of myself and my kids (no cs), I was in a good place mentally, didn't have a lot of extra money, but life was good. I was complete. Having my husband in my life is like having my cake and eating it too! My mom is complete being alone. She's been widowed 4 years. She would like a companion again. Just someone to share and smile at the little things with.
|
SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
|
|
That is how I feel RJ. I've been single for the better part of 20 years. Of course, I date on and off. But, I don't think everyone is made to couple off.
Some are and some aren't.
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
|
|
No - I knew that once I was content with myself enough to not care if I ever found "the one" that I was ready (if someone came along) to actually get married. People who try to complete themselves with someone else - end up divorced. Because no one can (or wants to, yuck).
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
Yes!!! That's EXACTLY how I feel about my man! lol My parents were like that...still holding hands after 30 years together, still deeply in low and always having a good time. I wasn't about to settle for less! I'm very lucky...very blessed.
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
Post deleted by SweetLight
Edited by SweetLight (03/16/12 01:35 AM)
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
What the heck are you blathering on about?! Who said step parenting was a great reward all the time? It's hard as hell. Probably the HARDEST thing I've ever done. Not many people can handle it, obviously. I'm a pretty strong person...and I don't run at the first sign of trouble.
Also? FYI? This is a STEP FAMILY board. What else are we supposed to talk about if not step-parenting? Don't make an ASSumption that just because we are not always on here talking about our awesome marriages that we must not be happy or have horrible marriages.
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
You are right, but it wouldn't be "blathering" if you agreed with me, would it now? I should not be scolded by you, M5. We should all bow down to you and shut up? I can't bridge the gap in our thinking, so nevermind. Do you believe in free speech or do you just "whack a mole?" Live and let live, if you can. Even if they are not married, and don't have kids of their own. Do you have a problem with "those" people posting here? Apparently.
You are a bully, if I have ever met one! Scrappy, you are, and it doesn't matter the reason. Maybe you should learn about tolerance, small doses to start of course. :-)
|
finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
|
|
I believe M5 whacked your mole because of your expression of your free speech.
It looks like the 'whack' was deserved. It appears that you were embarrassed enough by what you wrote that you decided to delete it. Way to stand by your own words of 'wisdom' !
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
Thanks finz. I figured since M5 responded the way she did, and you have too (before you even read it), it would not go over so well with full on day time regulars too similar to the "Today Show". I don't spend my day reading & responding to posts here, because that is when I work to make a living for myself. I am a night owl, I always have been, I work from home so I make my own hours. I post when I want. If any of you have a real problem with what I'm saying, please let me know!
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
I said blathering because 99% of the time you make ZERO sense. Most of what you said didn't apply to the conversation. Do you know the definition of bullying? Do you always like to play the victim?
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
Well said.
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
I'm sorry, what? See what I mean? What are you going on about now?
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
SL, you came on the this thread and shared an opinion that those who post here with happy marriages are probably not really happy. Since I am one that is happily married, and happy to share that, I have to assume I am one of the people you referred. Is it not OK to for those who are happy to share that? Or is it just you who can pop in and make comments that imply people here are just unhappy liars without any response?
This forum is public and anyone can post whenever they want. Are you better than me because I post during the day and you post at night? Nah, no better than I am for sleeping during the night next to my husband who I am happily married to.
|
spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7952
|
|
Lol, maybe SL just perceives that because her marriage sucked ass, and died a quick death, that those of us who actually know how to have successful relationships that thrive are an aberration. It's like listening to the old bitter nursing hags at work who spend all their time shitting on the new series of nurses who start each summer. Their lives are vapid, so they try to rationalize how there is no way the new staff could ever be any good. It's an epic failure on their part because as time goes on, you realize the new staff are just as good as the old bitter hag. Most of us here would thrive fine as being single....but who the F@ck would want to be single if your marriage is solid? There's little to no upside in that scenario...not financially, not emotionally...and least of all...not when you get old.
|
RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
|
|
Or is it just you who can pop in and make comments that imply people here are just unhappy liars
-----------
You mean also the ones who implied that SRS was unhappy or singles were unhappy? It goes both ways right? I just wish people could get out of their box and realize not everyone is the same. Happiness is unique to each person and their situation. I personally think we are all quite old and at this point we know what makes us happy. At least we are old enough to know how to make changes to get happy. We are not teenagers. I don't think any of us need a lesson.
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
I have her on ignore but based on responses I'm guessing she said something like "if you're all so happy why are you HERE????" and I have to say I question that as well. I look at those I know have been here, aren't really anymore BUT who still have divorce/step/whatever "issues" but they're not hanging out here. Why? Because they have happy/healthy/supportive marriages and support systems IRL that make here? Kinda pointless. Why take abuse or whatever from a bunch of veritable strangers, for the most part, when you have IRL loving support? Makes no sense.
I'll fully admit probably the only reason I come back here is because it's a diversion. "Adult" (using the term loosely) contact/conversation. I work basically alone, very very little interaction with others. so I "chat" here. I post far less at night now as I have a SO, and I'm focused on that, for the most part.
I am amazed at how much time marrieds spend here during night hours. I know when I was with my exSO it drove him CRAZY that I came here. And he had, in retrospect, a VERY valid point. Why would you not count on/rely on the person you love, yadda yadda and instead listen to a "bunch of angry, bitter hags" (his term) on the internet? Good point. And there was a good reason why I did. I didn't really like him and I didn't like his opinions about my ex and how to handle him (he was a total asshat about my ex) so yeah, I came here instead. So now, I have an SO.. and like on the medical thread Leanne posted.. I had an issue, really more a WWYD about dd's medical coverage with ex. I didn't post it HERE.. I talked it over with my SO, as much as he may think ex is generally totally not honorable about dd, he came up with an EXTREMELY reasonable suggestion of how to handle it, I had been on the fence in direction but his suggestion was one of them and I went with it. And was pleasantly surprised. I can post here about it AFTER with a positive resolution (whoohooo!!!) but why would I came here to ASK the question when I have a resource in my real life whose opinion I value and trust, who can separate his perhaps negative feelings about my ex from the best way to handle him that's going to be best for me and dd.
So I get her point.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
She doesn't believe those who say that they are happy in their marriages are actually happy.
I think that's pretty silly. Posting on a forum doesn't negate my happiness. Happiness does not equal perfect. I came here five years ago with my own problems. In that time I got to know some people, I can call some people friends.....I learned some real things about my own relationship with BM to improve what we had and things I can share with other people. Because I'm here to share with other people = I'm unhappy in my marriage. Yea, leaps with no net.
It's always when someone is trying to rain on a parade, oh look at her posting all day, she must be miserable. Oh look at her posting at 3am she must be drunk and lonely. I've had people ask me why I'm not in bed with my husband....as though I should be in bed since I'm married and since it was late at night. JEEZ....like I said, no marriage is perfect, but I do resent the implication that posting here = unhappy marriage/kids/family/life/whatever. And it's OK for you (collective) to be here, but not me.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
[quote]Or is it just you who can pop in and make comments that imply people here are just unhappy liars
-----------
You mean also the ones who implied that SRS was unhappy or singles were unhappy? It goes both ways right? I just wish people could get out of their box and realize not everyone is the same. Happiness is unique to each person and their situation. I personally think we are all quite old and at this point we know what makes us happy. At least we are old enough to know how to make changes to get happy. We are not teenagers. I don't think any of us need a lesson. [/quote]
Uh, YEA...wouldn't that be fabulous! I'm not implying that single people are unhappy, because single people post here they are unhappy, because SRS posts here she is not unhappy....nope. Not I.
I know this, I am happy. When someone challenges that, I have the right to say, hey, you're wrong about that. They can choose to believe me....they can choose not to believe me. I'm OK with either.
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
Understood.. Honestly? I don't think it's "OK" for me to be here. I think it's generally a toxic place frankly and it keeps people mired in negativity. I have made a few connections with people I now view as good friends. Arden, Reilly. Obviously, I met my best friend KrazyKat here and I'm a f/irm believer everything in life has a reason and that was my purpose for coming here. I would never had made it through the last 5 years, and particularly the move-away and court, were it not for KrazyKat. And I think we are unusual for this site in that we are truly close in real life.. sleepovers for dd at her house, attending events together, just day to day interaction that I don't think many others here have with each other, IRL.
Anyway, there will come a time.. probably pretty soon.. I'll stop posting altogether. Just don't get anything positive out of it anymore.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
We all decide when the end arrives and close the book.
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
"She doesn't believe those who say that they are happy in their marriages are actually happy. I think that's pretty silly."
----->Me too, especially because I didn’t say that. You did. What I did imply is that there are constant threads here about ongoing and continuous divorce drama and newbies come here saying they think maybe they should run, they see red flags. And it’s a-ok if Cassie says “I would not do it again” - in reference to her situation of getting involved & marrying a man with plenty of divorce drama that has lasted for years and continues. It’s ok for some people to say things, but not others. If you are happy in your marriage more power to you. What you consider “happy” may not be the same for someone else though.
My comments were not directed toward you, so you can put down the sword, ssmom. Feel free to put me on ignore. But, that wouldn’t allow you to call me Captain Obvious either. So maybe you do agree with me in the points I’m making. Have a great weekend, everybody!
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
I think, for the record, you are more right than wrong in your observations. Many here have said they would NOT do it again.. if things were so fabulous and wonderful it'd be "hellll yeahhhh!!! I love my man, we're fabulous and nothing else matters!!"
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
Thanks, LB. For me, I'm so thankful that I didn't get preggers. As much as that may be used against me here, I consider it a really good thing. I can't imagine being tied to that man for the rest of my life. :-)
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
And it’s a-ok if Cassie says “I would not do it again” - in reference to her situation of getting involved & marrying a man with plenty of divorce drama that has lasted for years and continues. It’s ok for some people to say things, but not others. If you are happy in your marriage more power to you. What you consider “happy” may not be the same for someone else though.
----------------------------------------------------
What I wrote was I wouldn't choose to do it again. Meaning IF I was single currently or in the future I would NOT date/marry someone with a kid because it took a lot out of me- mentally, emotionally and physically.
I did not mean if I were to re-do my life again would I choose the same path. I cannot imagine not having what I do have with my children and H. We have a good life- not perfect, but I do believe I am a FAR better person because I married a man with a child and I learned that love was NOT just based on blood. I am now considering adopting a child. NOT a baby, but a child and do not think I would have ever considered doing that if I didn't live the life I have. I say "I" because H has already decided he wants to.
I do remind people who marry those with children already how difficult it is. I also tell people, more specifically friends and family, that being a parent is the MOST difficult job in the world! I wish my parents would have prepared me for it. That you need to be emotionally, mentally and financially prepared. I now make sure my children understand the DEPTH in parenting and choosing to become a parent.
Regardless, I talk about MY situation- that's all I know. I don't assume people are unhappy or happy in their relationships. I do think sometimes the way people word things it seems as though they are jealous/envious of others. I just don't get that...
Edited by Cassie23 (03/16/12 11:10 AM)
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
I have to say, I do NOT regret having dd. And yes, I will be tied to ex for the rest of my life BUT.. he's not a "bad" man. As my mom describes it best he's a guy with limited capabilities who extended himself WAY beyond what his capabilities allow. He's painted himself into a corner and to be honest? I expect he'll be dead early in his 50's..if that. His family history, he's got two immediate relatives dead of cancer at early early ages. His mother is battling stage IV ovarian still.. and he's a 3 pack a day smoker who is sleeping maybe 2 hours a night, 6 nights a week. He's not doing well.
to a large degree, he knows I've "got" dd. he doesn't need to worry about her with me. He knows I'll move heaven and earth for her, in terms of providing for her, etc. And he generally stays out of my way. But we CAN and DO talk about stuff. He's the first person to know if I'm banging my head against a wall on an issue. And he generally has my back with what I'm doing with dd. He's got some things where he struts his male ego or whatever.. but it is a "whatever".
someone told me about.. 10 years or so ago.. I NEEDED to have a child. She was right. Absolutely. And if I was going to have a child with someone and NOT raise the child with that person? Ex is the PERFECT guy for me for that. If it were anyone else? Say exSO? It'd be UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY. I'm actually pretty lucky. Is a lot of it fake maybe? Yeah, probably, but if it gets the job done succesfully, no one gets hurt and everyone feels warm and fuzzy at the end of the day? I got no complaints.
Best gift in my life has been DD. She's an AMAZING individual.. I'm truly truly "blessed" (even though I'm not religious it's the only word I can come up with) to have her. And? I'm a pretty damn good mother, amazingly enough. I have no regrets whatsoever. I always say that to dd.. she'll ask stuff about me and her dad and I can TRULY say, he gave me the greatest gift ever. And I will ALWAYS love him for that. She's the best parts of BOTH of us and will be my greatest accomplishment, no doubt. Can't be sorry for that at all :):)
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
SL- I remember your story with your almost X at the time. I, for one, can see why you didn't try to make things work. I really felt like, based on some of the things you wrote, your life would have been very dysfunctional. I definitely think you chose right for you.
|
spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7952
|
|
The best choice to make is the one where you end up having a long successful marriage and then die simultanously while having sex at age 100.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
YES!! I really believe my children saved me. I remember how angry and hateful I was years ago. I remember having a difficult time even allowing myself to be loved by someone because I felt like it would be a sign of weakness. Crying and getting emotional- even when you would assume one would- was very difficult to for me. I didn't realize until after my daughter was born, that it was okay not to have control over every single aspect of my life. That I helped to make two beautiful children and they literally saved my life!
My son expressed his sadness one day when a friend of his told him his Mother explained he was an accident. SD still brings up her mother telling her she wasn't able to "live her life" because she had SD instead. Why would any parent allow a child to hear such thing? That kind of junk sits with you for the rest of your life.
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
"I, for one, can see why you didn't try to make things work."
----->Not sure where you got that from. I did try. I gave that marriage everything I had. It was way beyond fixable.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
I meant CONTINUE in it. I am sure you didn't marry with the thoughts of divorce. I guess I am just saying if I was in your situation I would have chosen the same.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
The best choice to make is the one where you end up having a long successful marriage and then die simultanously while having sex at age 100.
---------------------------------------------
I do not think I will live till the age of 100! Longevity does not run in my family!
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
Gotcha. :-) The writing was on the wall, I just hoped things would get better, but they got worse when we started counseling 6 months into the marriage.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
There is no sword and I think that's just as silly of a comment as the other. What I told LB was the gist of what I got from your comment. Since she has you on ignore she didn't see it. If you did not mean that, then thanks for the clarification. Your comments were directed to the board, how should I know who specifically you meant? Ignore? Why? Because I disagree with what you implied? Nah, not necessary. Hope you have a fine weekend.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
[quote]I think, for the record, you are more right than wrong in your observations. Many here have said they would NOT do it again.. if things were so fabulous and wonderful it'd be "hellll yeahhhh!!! I love my man, we're fabulous and nothing else matters!!" [/quote]
HAIL YEA I'd do it again.....the 'drama' I've dealt with is just a drop in the bucket compared to the good. And I can't really call it drama because there are people here who deal with so much worse drama or issues with an ex.
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
I think that's what I was trying to say in the other thread or where ever it is now. The little things, heck even the big things don't bother us like they used to. With what I have seen out there in the real world, I realize that I was my biggest enemy this whole time. Of course, now that BM has been 100% out of our lives for almost two years probably pretty easy to say. Anyway, I am just blessed to have the family I do- immediate and extended. Some of the kids I have seen in prison will be out in a couple of months and they have NO where to go. No family, no friends- nothing. I have more than most, I shouldn't be anything but grateful. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, so I am exactly where I am suppose to be!
|
spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7952
|
|
It's very simple. Make good choices, have a good life.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
I do use more reserved judgement for people who come to the forum with problems. I do recommend that some to cut and run. That's because I am not like everyone else, I can handle a lot, I'm really go with the flow and flexible. I think that's important if you're going to be married to someone with kids from someone else. There are going to be surprises, shakeups and even some drama sometimes.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
Or make bad choices, learn from them, and still have a happy life.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
[quote]Or make bad choices, learn from them, and still have a happy life. [/quote]
AMEN :):)
|
spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7952
|
|
[quote]Or make bad choices, learn from them, and still have a happy life. [/quote]
I'd rather skip over the bad choices, that way I don't have to waste time on them. Thus if I make a good choice on who to marry the first time, I get to be happy from the start.
|
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
|
|
We are all extremely thrilled you are perfect Spinner :):)
|
RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
|
|
I can't imagine being tied to that man for the rest of my life.
-----------
And it is for life. My BFF recognized a growing trend among her friends of unsuccessful parents losing jobs and homes and moving in with their children. Made me think about my ex possibly doing that one day...moving in with our son. Ewww.
I just read an article that stated 49% of all adults over age 18 are single and that it is growing. I think what a lot of people don't realize is that for some of these singletons it is a choice to be single. No need to feel sorry for them, or give advice to go out and date, or think marrieds are better than singletons, or to even think singletons are not getting any. In a lot of cases, most people CHOOSE to stay single. Marriage is losing steam it seems. I wonder if it is because a lot of women are financially capable of taking care of themselves now and don't need men for financial reasons? I wonder if it's because of the 50% divorce rate that scares people off? I wonder if some have been married and hated it? Interesting for sure.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
From what I see they are playing married, shacking up like marriage and having kids. Makes for one heck of a tax return for the woman with kids. Or dude shacks up with a welfare queen, she gets the free HUD, Foodstamps, free medical, and he moves in, not known to the governement with his paycheck and they all live pretty darn good.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
That's dumb. Sorry, it is. Because I am on here late at night means my marriage is unhappy? Sorry, dear, but I suffer from insomnia. It's hell. But my marriage is happy. I go to bed with my husband. All the time. It's the sleeping that I can't see to do most of the time. My laptop is right there, along with my books and tv. Thankfully, my husband is a hard sleeper.
Because I come here once or twice a day (sometimes more, sometimes less), doesn't mean I'm not talking to my husband. I very rarely post asking for advice here anymore. When I do, it has already or in the process of being discussed with my husband. It's nice to come here and get different view points, maybe look at things a little differently. When I come here to "chat" or give advice? I have friends here that I made years ago..and if I have the time on my hands...why not? It doesn't mean my marriage is unhappy.
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
Sorry, but I don't believe you. You've been saying that for years. And you know what? That's ok. It's ok to come here because this place is familiar...you have made some great friendships on here and maybe? There will be someone that was in the situation you were in that you could help. That's why I still come here, anyway. And I'm happy.
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
How does one smoke 3 packs a day?! I smoked, at the most, a pack a day. Can't imagine smoking more than that. Wowza.
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
|
|
We must be unhappy in our marriage because we post here? Or is it just those of us who post at night? BAER.
Believe it or not, but my military husband is actually gone sometimes. And my 3 month old nurses every 3 hours for 30 minutes. I heart my netbook and my one-handed typing skillz rock. At least it gives me something to do while I sit in my comfy chair - surprise gift from DH when I was going to make do with the old goodwill chair I got with DD6.
FTR - I would do it over again in a heartbeat. I only advise people to run if I think either they can't take it, or their SO/DH doesn't have the strength to make a good life with them in spite of it. No sense in wasting years of your life and money down the drain if you are doomed for divorce. Marriage is not for the weak. Especially one with exes and kids. But sometimes you find someone so wonderful it doesn't matter, so you make it work.
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
"But sometimes you find someone so wonderful it doesn't matter, so you make it work.". <---------THIS
|
M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
|
|
I agree...I need a "LOVE IT" button!
|
SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
|
|
Yes, for many it’s a choice to be single. I have about a dozen or so friends that haven’t ever been married. These are attractive women, they are successful in their careers, and self supporting. They wouldn’t want anyone to feel sorry for them for that.
Yesterday a show I was watching talked about the kids moving back in with their parents due to the economy. The co-host said “To my kids – if you are watching this: you are not coming home." ;-)
Due to the cost of divorce and upkeep of 2 separate households, lots of people are “choosing” to stay in unhappy marriages out of necessity.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
My BIL is almost 49, never been married, no kids, and a very successful good looking dentist. He is very happy. He just got back from the Phillipines. A group of his friends toured on motorcycles. Last year they did the same in Thailand. He skis, white water rafts, hikes, takes guitar lessons, enjoys life to the fullest. And he's straight! Nothing wrong with that!!
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
