farmdwg
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I am my kid's father (7 and 9 year olds) and have 100% custody of them. The other day they came home from an extended visit with their mother with a cell phone. I was not happy at all. In my opinion kids at this age do not need a cell phone. My ex said that since she was paying for it that they could use it to txt and call her. I was I don't agree with them txting and having a cell phone in my own house, that I wish she had called me to talk about this before she went out and bought the thing. She said that it would be used so the kids can get a hold of her easier.
The court orders says from 2 years ago say that I need to allow them to talk with their mom, which I totally agree with. They can use the house phone and Video Skype anytime they ask. Not a problem. I actually encourage them to call their mom since she moved out of state.
I don't think I have to allow them to use of the cell phone within my own house do I? I think I still have a say what goes on in my house. right?
thoughts?
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LexieBelle
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I would say, NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!! My ex did this with his first wife and their daughter. And they essentially have 50/50 (or darn close). Apparently it caused World War III and the phone is now at dad's. Not used at mom's.
I feel the same way. I see ZERO purpose for a child under driving age to have a cell and even then I'm opposed. Use a house phone, parent's cell, video conference like you said. Absolutely. You are NOT obligated to have them use "her" cell phone she gave to them when they are in your custody.
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MrsB
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Your house your rules, however if you keep the phones at home I don't see an issue with allowing them to use it instead of your home phone.
How often do they see their mom? Have you asked mom why she purchased them?
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LexieBelle
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She was probably just being a controlling biotch. She had ZERO business sending them home with cell phones without consulting with the custodial parent who, in this case is DAD. You just take the phone away... you can send it back with them to mom's and if she wants them to use it THERE, mor thrills to her.
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gr8Dad
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You can open a can of worms, and FIGHT her on it, costing you money and mental anguish...or you can just put the phones up, taking them down when the kids want to talk to her and let them use the cell phones for that, fooling her into thinking they have them, and you are still meeting your requirements in your home.
Was she wrong? Of course. Could you win? MAYBE. Is it a hill worth dying on? Probably not.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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LexieBelle
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He'd absolutely win! Why on earth wouldn't he?? It's HIS home, he is NOT required to have his 7 and 9 yr old have cells. Period. He is allowing access, as he's legally required in his agreement. End of discussion.
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mydejavooo
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I am the SAME way with my kids.....NO CEL PHONES! I too am a father with primary custody, and I can see my ex pulling something like that. What does a 9 yr old need a cel phone for? So they can be sneaky and call mom behind your back? No thanks!! I'll pass. You did the right thing. Heck, I'd box them up and ship them back to her.......without the batteries. LOL!
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ssmom79
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If you don't want the kids to use them, don't let them. She is paying for it, and she can allow them to use them while in her home/her care, but you don't have to do the same. So yea, you still get a say in your own house. I doubt either party is going to be willing to go to court over this.
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MrsB
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My son doesn't have a phone, however, in divorced situations sometimes it happens. I know some kids that age who have phones, it's not an issue b/c the parents are married - however, it really isn't up to someone else to judge what another person's child should or shouldn't have. There are some very valid reasons some children have cell phones - and there are plans offered where only certain numbers are able to be called from the phone, etc. It isn't the same as what an adult uses it for.
His house, his rules - same for her.
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farmdwg
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I really appreciate the feedback. My ex is threatening legal action cause of this. Oh boy, here we go. This was something I was hoping to avoid.
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LexieBelle
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Fine and she should keep the phones are HER HOUSE, and they can follow HER RULES IN HER HOUSE. TOTALLY wrong to send them to dad's. PERIOD.
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MrsB
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Legal action against what? You not allowing the kids to use their cell phones while in your house?
Unless you are withholding contact on the home line etc., she really doesn't have a leg to stand on. However, have you thought about allowing them to use it, with rules of course, just to talk to her? If not, why not?
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LexieBelle
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good lord.. obviously she's a fvcking moron. My bet is she'd get laughed out of court. So she takes you to court.. you take a day out of work, you show you're having NO issue giving access with any other existing forms of communication (home phone, skype, your cell)... give your concerns for why NOT to have them (and I bet you could find dozens of studies online purporting the physical dangers of cells, the distractive factor, yadda yadda yadda yadda.). Worst case? You lose a day out of work and you win.. if you lose.. well, it didn't cost you more than a day out of work. I would definitely go to court over it, I wouldn't hire a lawyer for it though.
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LexieBelle
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Because he DOESN'T WANT TO!!!! And he DOESN'T HAVE TO!!! It's HIS HOUSE! Gee, there's a population of rational adults who DON'T think their kids need a CELL PHONE at 7 or 9, or whatever age. OH MY GOD!
Really, this society is going straight to hell in a handbasket.
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ssmom79
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[quote]I am the SAME way with my kids.....NO CEL PHONES! I too am a father with primary custody, and I can see my ex pulling something like that. What does a 9 yr old need a cel phone for? So they can be sneaky and call mom behind your back? No thanks!! I'll pass. You did the right thing. Heck, I'd box them up and ship them back to her.......without the batteries. LOL! [/quote]
Why would calling their mom be behind your back or even sneaky?
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ssmom79
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[quote]I really appreciate the feedback. My ex is threatening legal action cause of this. Oh boy, here we go. This was something I was hoping to avoid. [/quote]
Eh, people THREATEN legal action...don't worry about it. If you don't want them to use them, you don't have to. It's not a big deal to me, not anything I'd be taking up a hill for but to each his own.
I've seen five year olds with cell phones, nah not for me. My SK's have them and they got them too young IMO. But their parents like the false sense of security they get when the kids have them.
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farmdwg
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IMO kids at 7 and 9 do not need cell phones. Let them be kids for as long as they can be. They don't need to grow up any faster.
My kids know that if they want to call their mom, they can, they just have to ask. Skype and the house phone are available for them any time.
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MrsB
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I fail to see how having a phone to call the OP is forcing them to grow up.
I personally just don't see the big deal in making this a big deal. So mom bought them a cell phone - so what? your house your rules, and the same for her.
Neither of you are wrong.
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ssmom79
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Great, so put them away when they're with you, next time they go to their mom's house, they can take them along. Then you can just tell mom to leave the cells at her home.
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LexieBelle
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Shakes head in disbelief. Fine, them Mom can KEEP the cell phones AT HER HOUSE where she can employ HER RULES. She does NOT get to send them to dad's and force them on HIM. HE doesn't believe in them, it is HIS house and HE IS CUSTODIAL PARENT. Period. Very simple.
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ssmom79
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Yea, that's what she said three times already. His house, his rules. Her house, her rules. She (even I) explained that despite her own feelings on cell phones, it's his house his rules and vice versa. So he can't go to her house and say no cell phones any more than she can say they have to use it. Do you not agree with that?
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Redlegg
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The solution is simple, they come through the door, they hand over the phones. You let Mom know she can call them on the house phone. It has to make sense to no one, it is your house, your kids, and you are responsible for them while they are there. When they leave, hand them their phones. Me personally, I am not sure how them using a cell phone to talk to their mom is going to speed up their growing process, since they apparently use the internet to skype, and who knows, they may even watch cable TV. The key to any of that is supervision.
You only have to let them talk to their mom, there is nothing that says how, heck, have them write letters and mail them for all anyone should care. She wants to threaten legal action, have at it, you are not denying them access. A cell phone is nothing more than a tool, like the internet, like a car, like a stove. With the proper supervision, they are fine, and can make life easier. They can also complicate life if there are no controls. The best part is that they are not a need, they are a nice to have, and they don't have to have them. You follow the order, you do what you think is best, and no one should even care as long as you are within the order.
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M5M5
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Do you have high blood pressure? The smallest things seem to set you off. Calm down!
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M5M5
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I agree. I don't agree with small kids having cell phones either. My son (14) has one, and it's VERY limited. My daughter will probably get one next year when she enters middle school (again, VERY limited). My skids had unlimited everything since they were about 12/13...which I think is totally unsafe (esp. the internet).
ETA: When my skids first came over with the cells their mom gave them, we didn't like it either. We felt like she was trying to interfere with our time...and she did...the kids were all the time checking in with her, even after she put the GPS tracking on their phones. DH put up a fuss at first, but it became a constant fight...he just gave in.
Edited by M5M5 (03/19/12 05:48 PM)
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gr8Dad
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Yep, and she will go to legal aid, where they will assign a new lawyer, who will file just for PRACTICE, then he will have to hire a lawyer to defend the action, and it cost him money and time.
OOOOOORRRRR, he can take up the phones, allow the kids to talk to Mom on them, and avoid the cost, let Mom think she won, and all is good.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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farmdwg
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I'm starting to think that I might allow the kids access to the phone for calls only, not txt messages. My ex uses txt messages as her primary contact method, but I saw what it did to my daughter yesterday. She was sitting by the thing waiting on a dream for a txt message. I cannot have her life be interrupted by her sitting there for a txt message.
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MrsB
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Oh absolutely. That goes for anyone!
It's how the phone is used that makes a difference.
Personally I am not a fan of young kids having cell phones either - but you can also take the situation and turn it in to something positive. Set rules. Teach responsibility. It will only have a negative affect if you allow it to gave a negative affect.
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NikkiL
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Im sorry I dont see what the big deal is. Its communication with their parent. Unless she is calling all the time, why would you care? I personally loved it when my son got a cell and his dad started calling him on it...it took me out of the mix. He wasnt calling my home phone and I didnt really have to hear his snarly voice on a regular basis. I found it to be quite nice. Had I known how nice it would be, I would have gotten him a cell phone long before I did.
Your kids are not going to spend day and night waiting for a text. The phone is new...its all fun when its new, my guess is at their age, within a few weeks it will be old news and they will lose track of them. I just think you are making a bigger deal out of it than you need to. Let it run its course and dont stand in the way of the kids communicating with the other parent.
My sons dad lived out of state and its hard on kids to be far away from the other parent. Just because you can limit the contact, doesnt mean you should.
I also dont get this big fit people throw about kids having cell phones. My kids have cell phones and I assure you it doesnt stop them from being kids. My daughter is outside digging up worms and riding her bike. We have video games, tvs, phones, computers and she is outside playing. But if she goes to a friends house, I can call her and tell her to come home for dinner...kind of nice really.
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MrsB
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Good post Nikki. Nice to hear it from someone in a similar situation :).
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c_jane
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Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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Getting DS a cell phone was one of the best things I EVER did. Dad DID try to limit our contact ("no, don't call your Mom now. We're going to eat dinner/go somewhere/you're going to take a bath/ etc. in a few minutes.")
Now DS doesn't have to let Dad know how much he really talks to me. We text each other right before bed to say goodnight. Often when we're both up late on a weekend night we might play Scrabble online. And I never have to hear his Dad's or his SM's voice!!
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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Arden
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Personally, I don't like cell phones for kids that age. I think they are way too young to have to be responsible for all that goes along with having a phone.
However, now here you sit with an unwanted cell phone, trying to figure out what to do with it.
I myself would plainly tell the ex, "yes, the phone is yours but, it is in my house, so there will be house rules". Such turned off and "locked" away at night. Maybe make it available to them for a certain amount of time, after homework, dinner, chores or whatever. As they show some responsibility you can allow texts during certain hours or on weekends. If they fight over the phone or it causes a distraction or upsets, it will be put up and they as always are welcome to call her from the home phone.
Set the rules that work best for you. If she doesn't like your rules, she is welcome to the phone.
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Tweeby
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When my YSS was younger his Mom got him a cell phone and we didn't agree with it being at our home. My husband was the CP. We made rules for the cell phone and if my YSS didn't abide by them then he wasn't allowed to bring it into our home.
1st rule was that we were NOT responsible if the phone was lost or 'stolen'. We didn't buy and didn't want it so we wanted NO responsiblity for it. 2nd was that there were limits to using hte phone. It was not allowed to be used while we had family time and it had to be on the counter at bed time. We also reserved the right to check the phone at any time.
In our siutation it was a bit different. My YSS recieved a new phone about once a year, sometimes twice. His Mom would buy a plan but within a couple of months the plan was turned off due to nonpayment. This was before texting.
We still have similar rules in our home for cell phones for anyone under age 18. When we decide one of the kids are ready for a cell phone the rules and conquences are known. We are going out this week to get YS15 his own cell and add him to our plan. IMO it is a want not a need. It is not a hard fast rule on when someone (in our home) gets a cell phone.
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LexieBelle
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He sounds perfectly capable of handling a legal aid lawyer lol. Any case would be a total joke that a 10 year old could argue.
I'm disappointed he's considering giving up his principles on the issue. Very sad. It's a no brainier. His house, NO PHONE. Period. One thing I agree with ex's first wife on. Ex pulled this with her. And really only cuz he was too lazy/too late to get the kid something else for Christmas.. Probably a last minute 7-11 purchase.. Anyway.. Mom was like no fareeking way in hell. That was 2 years ago apparently, she's going to be 11, phone stays at dads. When he told me the story he hinted he'd get dd one. NOPE. Or he can, but it'll sit at dads.
I wouldn't compromise my principles-beliefs on this one itsy bitsy iota. It's probably my number one kid peeve. Nothing pisses me off more than a kid with a cell. Dd's playmates in our building have one. Why? Dads too lazy to leave his apartment, walk downstairs and get his kids. Tubby could stand to walk his fat ass down the stairs a few times too lol. Insanity. And I guarantee you the kids are ZERO more safe with the phone. Guarantee it. Pathetic excuse for lazy parenting.
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NikkiL
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What I guess I dont get, is WHY anyone would care to stop communication with another parent, especially one that lives out of state. That communication is all they have most of the time...whats wrong with texting little bits of information about what is going on with their day, or to say good morning or goodnight? TOTALLY failing to see WHY that needs to be controlled. Cant stand my ex. But you know what? He loves his dad, even if I dont, and they should be able to talk to each other without me being involved somehow, but then Im not a controlling hag who pulls out the MY HOUSE MY RULES crap over something positive, such as BUILDING a relationship with a parent who lives out of state and doesnt get to spend as much time with the child. Being the CP I can talk to my son anytime I want. I dont have to call the ex and ask to speak with him. Why should my ex have to call my home phone and have to ASK me to talk to DS?
It IS 2012. Cell phones make this possible. Dont see the point of making it a BAD THING.
LB-So if I call my kids on their cell phones and tell them to come home, Im being lazy? LOL. Says the woman with one kid who isnt old enough to venture out on her own yet. I have 3 kids coming and going all the time, because despite having cell phones they are very rarely hanging out in the house texting people. Yeah, Im lazy because Im not walking all over the neighborhood every time I need one of my kids to come home. HAHA. You can call it lazy, I call it living in the year 2012 and using technology available to me to make my life easier. I also wash my clothes in a washing machine, listen to an ipod, surf the internet, dvr my favorite programs..I dont have to get lost anymore because I have GPS on my phone...technology my lazy ass LOVES IT...
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gr8Dad
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"no, don't call your Mom now. We're going to eat dinner/go somewhere/you're going to take a bath/ etc. in a few minutes."
That is not limiting your time, that is RAISING A CHILD.
"Now DS doesn't have to let Dad know how much he really talks to me."
Teach the child to lie, GOOD CALL, again, with EACH post from you, it becomes clearer and clearer why you are the NCP.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Debi
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What I guess I dont get, is WHY anyone would care to stop communication with another parent, especially one that lives out of state.
My daughter is 4. Her dad has been a truck driver all of her life. From the time she could babble into a phone he has called my landline or cell and spoken to her. Now she can answer my cell phone better than I can but is she getting one of her own any time soon? Hell no. It has nothing to do with keeping her from taking to him. From the time she could say "I want to talk to daddy" I have grabbed the phone and dialed. Now with pictures next to most of the contacts in my phone she can find him and call herself. There is no valid reason anyone can give me for a child who is not even old enough to be left alone for 5 minutes to have their own phone.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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NikkiL
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Im sorry Debi, I didnt know we were talking about your 4 year old. I thought we were talking about 7 and 9 year olds. A 4 year old having a cell phone is ridiculous.
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Redlegg
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How about because a parent wants to make a choice for his house. I got it, many do not agree with his choice, but he is not stopping communications. He said no cell phones. But why should he change what he wants. He doesn't like cell phones, why should that choice be disrespected. I don't agree with the choice, but it is his to make, and he should feel free to make it. They have access to skype, and a house phone, and them not hearing her voice over a mobile device is the issue. Why does there seem to be so much intolerance over his choice of what will, and will not be in his house. If he would not let them communicate, then different story, but he is making sure they communicate. If he decides to take the phones when they walk in the door, great, if he decides to let them use the cell phones great, but they are talking to their mom, just not on a cell phone.
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Tweeby
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[quote]I thought we were talking about 7 and 9 year olds. A 4 year old having a cell phone is ridiculous. [/quote]
And that is how some people feel about a 7 and 9 yo having a cell phone. Each parent has a right to have their own 'rule' about when their child has a cell phone IN their home.
Texting and phone calls CAN be excessive. Doesn't sound like this parent is actually limiting because phone calls can be made by landline and by computer.
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NikkiL
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I gave him my opinion and one way he could look at it. OF COURSE he can do whatever he wants its his house. He can get into a battle with his ex over it. If he wants. I fail to see the point. At age 7 & 9, I would bet money within a few weeks, the phones will be lost, (he didnt buy them so why would he care) or rarely used.
My ex husband has done many things that have ticked me off, that I didnt agree with. None of them mean a thing now. They werent worth fighting over. I happen to think phones are not worth fighting about, and that if looked at in a positive way, could actually be a good thing. But no lets encourage him to fight with his ex over a PHONE. That sounds like its whats in the best interest of the children.
FIGHTING. Thats great for kids. He should do that. I stand corrected.
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Redlegg
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Why would anyone suggest he fight. People pick their battles, she might be the one picking this. Is it about cell phones, is it about communication. Why should he have to fight at all. Would securing them when he walked in mean he cared about if they were lost. As it stands right now, only one of the parents is trying to impose their will on the other, and it isn't dad. I don't agree with the no cell phone stance. I see it as a tool, to be supervised when used, just like the internet, or any other thing, that can be good, but has it's bad side. It does nto make him a flat earther, or a monster because he chooses not use a certain technology available. He is making a choice. I do not agree with that particular choice, only his right to make it.
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NikkiL
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My first post was for the OP, just giving a different take on it...the other post was directed at LB and her hard line stance against cell phones.
Personally, I find a 7 year old having a cell phone to be ridiculous. That being said, had my ex bought our son a cell when he was 7, I wouldn't have made a stink about it. I would have picked it up the first time he left it laying ( and a 7 year old most certainly would) and put it up.
I think its easy to get caught up in little things. I am most certainly guilty of it. I think coming to this board, and reading posts from NCP's, made me a better CP, than I would have been. I also think having raised a child dealing with an ex who has done all sorts of things I didnt agree with, and seeing the outcome of what his actions have done to our son, and his relationship with our son vs my relationship with my son...I am very thankful I had this board to put things into perspective. This is just one of those issues, that can snowball into something bigger, and it shouldnt. And cell phones when the kids are older...are a great tool for kids to keep in contact with the other parent. His kids are 7 & 9, he most certainly could and should have complete control of the cell phone, he needs to find a middle ground though, like it or not. This is one of those situations that could make the kids feel stuck in the middle. Mom wants to talk to us on this phone, dad wont let us, now what...? Middle. 7 & 9 year olds are easily controlled without even knowing they are being controlled...I wouldnt say NO to the phone, but I wouldnt just let a 7 and 9 year old do whatever they want with a cell phone without monitoring it.
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ssmom79
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I agree but here's the big diff. you got a guy opposed to them and a gal who knew that and did it anyway. So you get to a crossroads. You can compromise or you can stand your ground. I agree with both options. If he isn't OK with it, then they don't need them. Period. Not making a big deal, just sticking to the rules.
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NikkiL
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I should go reread the posts...I may have missed the part where exwife knew he didnt want them to have cell phones. If she KNEW he didnt want them in his house, that does change it. Still not sure I would make a issue out of it...but that does change it. There is also that line of getting stomped on by the other parent. Divorce...isnt it fun?
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Tweeby
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When the BM gave the child a cell phone we viewed it as anything else that a NCP gives to the child that will go to the CP home. If we don't agree with it than it won't be done in our home but if it does come we are NOT responsible for it. We made sure that the BM knew that when the cell phone came to our home. If the child lost it we would not be replacing it.
My YSS would be video systems to our home. Same concept, we had rules on when he could use it. We also were not resonable if it was broken while at our home or at one of his friends homes here.
Some things we did draw the line in the sand and it was pretty much following the law.
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akrkck
newbie
Reged: 03/22/12
Posts: 49
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I agree with Tweeby. We did not want our kids to have cell phones, but their BM decided to get the oldest (13 at the time) her own cell phone (to make it easier to get a hold of them) even though both kids had other means of contact (my cell, my wife's cell, house phone, internet, etc.). BM knew we were against it, but did it anyway. Oldest daughter's grades started slipping (staying up late talking/texting/internet, bringing phone to school). We took the phone away and would only give it to them at night before bed to call their mom. She got wind of it and threw a fit (her phone, she pays for it, we have no right to touch it, etc...).
Eventually the newness of the phone wore off and my daughter would forget to charge it or lose it somewhere in her room. What eventually did her in was my daughter kept breaking and/or losing the phone. My ex got tired of constantly paying to replace it and finally gave up. Now we're back to my daughters using all the other forms of communication that have always been available to them to talk to their mom and they still talk to her just as often.
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JCB
recently joined
Reged: 08/21/10
Posts: 11
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Of course you don't. You can take the phones away from them as soon as they are back with you. In fact, tell your ex that if they come into the house with the phone again, the phones will not be returned. But if you think this will lead to more drama, allow the kids to use the phones only for calling their mom. When the call is done, take way the phone. When the kids are with you, you're in charge, not your ex. Stop worrying about her.
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