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Reged: 03/16/12
Posts: 1
is it time to call it quits
      #780224 - 03/16/12 11:37 PM

ive never been on a forum before but im so confused and dont have anyone that i want to bear my soul to in person so i thought even if this doesnt help at least it is a start? Ive been married to my husband for almost 23 years actually are anniversary is on march 23 go figure lol i met him in high school when I was 15 got pregnant at 17 and there you go looks like it was a disaseter waitin to happen well 4 kids and more then half my life and now I found out he has been cheating on me. Well truthfully I didnt just find out. You know that gut feeling well I kept ignoring it til i had to find out for sure. My husband travels alot and on a email I found out he had bought a bed and furniture and was having it delivered you guessed it not to our house!!! So tonight I went to the address and I waited because he said he was still out of town but after 2 hours waiting him and his [censored] drove up. After he saw me I told him there was really nothing that needed to say He said he was sorry and I said you made your choice hope you can live with it and i drove away... dont know what to do?

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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2111
Loc: New York
Re: is it time to call it quits [Re: gibby]
      #780636 - 03/21/12 03:22 PM

You really need to meet with him on neutral ground. Don't do anything rash, as that will only spill over into whatever relationship you can salvage, be it a renewed marriage or post-divorce co-parenting. You need to find out if this infidelity is his way of getting out of your marriage, or if he's willing to go to a counselor and learn to make your marriage work.

And you need to decide what YOU want. Is this the straw that broke the camel's back? Has the marriage been happy or has it been going downhill for years? Do you feel anything for your husband still, enough to rebuild if he is willing to put in the effort?

And make no mistake, it will be an effort on his part. When an unfaithful spouse tries to return to their marriage, they often don't understand the amount of time it takes for their hurt spouse to regain the lost trust. They would like nothing better than to sweep everything under the rug once they've said they're sorry.

But you will be questioning every minute he's late...and if he's really intent on making it work again, he'll account willingly. It will get to the point, though, where he thinks all should be forgiven, but if you haven't felt the trust return, you won't be comfortable letting him return to old habits.

If you choose this route, please find an experienced counselor to help you both through the rough patches. Many couples trying to reconcile ultimately end up separating because they don't have the guidance and support they need at these difficult junctures.

Good luck.

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Reged: 03/22/12
Posts: 2
Re: is it time to call it quits [Re: NancyD]
      #780763 - 03/22/12 02:32 PM

Have you talked to him since? Has he been home? Does he want a divorce? There are so many unanswered questions that need to be answered before anyone could give advice. Are you willing to hear him out or is it over for you? You have been married to him for so long and you have kids, that is something to think about, not that I am condoning what he is doing in any way. Is he in a relationship with her or is it just sex, again, not that it makes it any less painful if it is just sex. My prayers are with you. I have been there and understand what you are feeling. I am here if you want to talk.

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Reged: 03/28/12
Posts: 7
Re: is it time to call it quits [Re: SWEETnHOPEFUL]
      #781116 - 03/28/12 10:38 AM

SWEETnHOPEFUL, Love the screen name, I'm trying to be optimistic in my situation. 2nd marriage, and I caught her cheating, the most painful thing in my life, and there is no excuse for someone to go there. We have 5 kids between us, and I've talked to an attorney already, told her, she was quite surprised and shocked, and I haven't told here that everything is really stacked against her.

She claims that the affair was more about having someone to talk to, but she admitted they were "together" as well. So it's not ok if it's just sex, but my fear is two-fold, I could be making the biggest mistake of my life by filing for divorce or the biggest mistake by staying.

It's been 5 months since it all started, and her efforts are not with us. The sadness, pain, depression and more than anything, humiliation is just so hard to take.

Thanks for allowing me to vent

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Reged: 02/25/13
Posts: 8
Re: is it time to call it quits [Re: Soccerdad39]
      #800009 - 02/25/13 06:57 PM

I think if we are all here in this forum we have experienced similar situations. Mine did it a few months after we were married. (later I found out she was addicted to pain meds, so it wasnt the companionship or sex but a way to get what she needed w/o them knowing) so ya its a real mess.

Cheaters are an odd bunch. We are quick to judge that the one doing it is evil, and the cheated on is the innocent victim - its been my experience that this is not always the case - example mine has a drug issue that was addressed later (then relapsed - off topic), but outside of those types of situations, it take to to make things work, just like it takes 2 to mess it up. I've read and spoke to many people who have cheated, and been cheated on, and there is one common denominator - its not all about sex. Thats TV. conveying that message. That usually comes in to play, but most of the reasons I hear are - they miss the things they used to to and want that spark and excitement again.

Many relationships fail in that area (and I am guilty as is my wife) and people tend to take each other for granted, after all you are married and of course you know what th e others needs are right? People are human and they will adapt - if it is not at home.. eventually the will "step out" - Not all, but many do.

There must have been signs in your relationship that were tale-tale that something "fishy" was going on. I never believe people just never know. Most do, and just dont want to believe it or worse, think if they turn the other way its not there.

I do not know him. and i would first maybe get somewhere you two can talk and find out why. Ask.. listen. does it make sense? maybe you can work it out - if he is just a horn dog ass, why would you want him back? need to communicate first and find out what went wrong. Only then will you know. But regardless - If you take him back. you will not feel the same because the trust will be gone. YOu will always wonder (and he'll be nervous too) if he is lying to you and that is not a way to life a relationship.
good luck

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