Soccerdad39
recently joined
Reged: 03/28/12
Posts: 7
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Brand new here, and fast facing a reality I don't want, which is divorce, caused among other things her affair. Without going into too much detail, I don't want this divorce but see no other way out, and was curious, has anyone out there been at this point and had their marriage saved, and if so, did you find happiness?
I've done the counseling thing, prayed until my head hurts, and tried just about everything. I know there is feeling there, love and emotion, but not sure if we can get past this.
Anyone? Thanks in advance.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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I guess you have to decide what you consider a sucess....I've read a few of your posts and it seems that you really don't want to be divorced but the question you need to ask yourself is if you can stay married to her and let go of the pain of her cheating on you. If she chooses to start trying to fix things, that is.
I have only been married once (and divorced once) but I have been in several failed relationships. It all boils down to one of two things.....One person not wanting to try any longer or one person not being able to forgive.
Please don't take this the wrong way because you are in no way to blame for her decison to cheat, but what reasons did she give you for starting an emotional affair (and yes that's cheating even before it becomes physical). What was it that she was able to talk to him about that she wasn't able to talk to you about. Sometimes we just become so comfortable with the status quo that we don't notice that our partner isn't getting something they need. Again I stress that I am not blaming you or condoning her actions. I'm just wondering if she has given any explanation. In my opinion an emotional affair is much more intimate than a sexual one. You can have sex with someone and have no "feelings" but if someone is having an emotional affair they have made a connection and started a bond with the other person. It sounds as if she has "the grass is greener" syndrom.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Soccerdad39
recently joined
Reged: 03/28/12
Posts: 7
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Debi, thanks for the feedback. You are correct that divorce is the last thing I want, for the right reasons, but at this point I don't see any other option.
Her reasons for the affair were that she wasn't being heard at home and not getting enough help with our house/family, being respected by the kids, having them following rules, etc. She then started talking to someone, and that obviously led to the affair.
Agree with you too on the harm of an emotional affair too, in many ways it's more difficult that the physical part.
She doesn't see him but has talked to him, and knowing that she and my step children will be left with virually nothing makes this even harder. In the end though I need to worry about me, my kids, and having some type of life, along with a little sanity.
I ask myself if I could let things go, and I believe I could, but it will never be behind me as long as its in front of me.
Thanks again for listening and your comments.
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d2njti
member
Reged: 03/05/08
Posts: 187
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This is a "Divorce" discussion board.
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Soccerdad39
recently joined
Reged: 03/28/12
Posts: 7
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And this forum is called "Saving your Marriage".
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d2njti
member
Reged: 03/05/08
Posts: 187
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I'm not trying to insult you Soccerdad, and I'm truly sorry for all of us struggling with these issues. My point was intended that it is unlikely that those with success saving their marriages will be spending much time on a discussion board about divorce. Best of luck.
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Soccerdad39
recently joined
Reged: 03/28/12
Posts: 7
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No insult taken, best of luck to you as well.
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Terri1
journeyman
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 71
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"I" was able to save my marriage. But a better way to look at it may be that I was able to reinvent my marriage. It took a long, long time and only worked when I was willing to put me first and give up my marriage. Sounds strange doesn't it.
Long story short, husband had girlfriend, I found out, husband left, lived with girlfriend, we didn't divorce for a number of reasons, mostly financial, that worked to the advantage of both of us. Separated but friendly, well as friendly as you can be with a spouse that has a girlfriend. I dated some, kept on with my life and moved forward the best I could. It isn't easy. Nothing sets you up for how awful divorce is for everyone involved.
A couple of years went by, we were both very different from our experience. Had quite a bit of contact. Grown children, grandchildren - we saw each other at many family events. My kids would not be around girlfriend and he never pushed it so it worked out OK.
Began discussions of getting back together. Lots of back and forth. Dated and eventually lived together again. Big adjustment for the kids. Big adjustment for me. Assume it was a big adjustment for him but he never really talked about it. Over three years now. Don't think we have ever been happier. If you don't count the separated years, we have been married over 30. I think it will last.
Advice - Nothing to be gained in a divorce by completely alienating your spouse. Nothing to be gained by hanging around begging to save your marriage. Take care of yourself, your children and your friends. You have to be open to a new reality which is you by yourself, you with someone else eventually or you reconciling with your spouse. Don't lose yourself in the process.
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DEACONOFSWINE
recently joined
Reged: 07/09/12
Posts: 2
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Terry1
Reading your post makes me optimistic.
I was....I mean i am that guy.....
sort of....
my marriage had been failing for years, we never spent time together, when we did there were always problems surrounding. I began telling my wife, how unhappy i was, and how i thought we should take a break, merely a break. She couldn't take it.....she went to extremes at that point, but i was full of it by then. she filed for legal separation, i reluctantly agreed.
I became interested in another woman, and became good friends, dating a bit and so on.
about 2 1/2 months into my separation, I began to see my "wife" as the woman I fell in love with 14 years ago. My counselor, advised me not to fall back into a bad situation, and give it time. so I did nothing. thats been 3 months now.......during my recent appointment my counselor informed me that since my feelings had not gone away, and it did seem genuine, and i remained stating that I wish she'd reconcile, she advised me to let it out.
Well....I did that Sunday during drop off of our child. It didn't go well recieved, but it wasn't an arguement, or a thrashing on me. she just simply said I'm sorry, you hurt me so much. Well...I let it out, and haven't gotten much rest since. I just keep hoping for a slightly different end. I didn't want a divorce, only a break from our troubled life, our arguements, our disappointing lives we shared.....
Now that she is attempting at moving on, she is happy. And I am happy for her, I want her to be happy. I honestly am. I have told her numerous times of how much I love her, during this 5 1/2 month seperation, however I would attempt to slowly reconcile, but she says no way. I left it to her at that point. it seems hopeless though
but i can be patient, and enjoy our kid, and maybe one day she will allow a reinvention of our marriage.
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