momof489
newbie
Reged: 12/29/10
Posts: 36
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I just want people opinions on this or if anyone has been through this. When I divorced almost two years ago I just wanted it to all be over and not fight, so I foolishly agreed to things that if I had it all to do over again I would not. We discussed different custody options shared parenting, shared parenting with me being primary parent ect. My ex husband pushed hard for the shared parenting with no primary parent because with that the child support was $250, if I was assigned primary parent it wold of been $1200. I understood because that is alot of money, he agreed to pay 50% of all the kids bills and I agreed because I wanted to get along. Since then it has been a nightmare. The each of us paying 50% is in the decree, but what happens is he does not ever pay anything up front for the kids. If they are out of lunch money he will wait until the day they come back to my house and sent me a text saying the kids are negative in lunch accout and I need to send $. Then I have to handwrite him a request for the money and he gets 7 days to pay me his half. This happens for everything in two years I think I have wrote him 3 checks to pay him for half of their expenses. He refuses to take them to any Dr Appts, pay the Drivers ed registration, auto repairs absolutely everything. He texts or calls me daily to fight about every expense the kids have , he is verbally abusive. No joke on average I will get 20-30 texts a day telling me that he is broke cant afford this and that and that I have done all this to him by divorcing him. I just looked and I have saved every text since march 5 there are 784!! He will always pay his part on day 7 as the orders state, with the exception of a couple times he says the reciepts didnt make it, but I have to go through absolute hell to get the $. I have to deal with him more now then when married. Our youngest is 12 I cannot imagine going thru this hell daily for the next 6 years. I know it is hard to get a modification, but can I on grounds that we can not co-parent together? Im at a loss of how to deal with this. I have no more money to get a lawyer and do this all over Im still making monthly payments on the remainder of the divorce.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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I am not sure what you can modify, if anything. Both you and he are following the decree. You are not happy with it, that doesn't make it modifible.
Why can you check your kids lunch accounts ahead of time to make sure they are not in the negative?
Unfortunately for you, he is an ass. You know you will have to pay for everything upfront. You know you have to give him 7 days to pay.
What you don't have to tolerate is the constant text messages. 784 in a month is absolutely ridiculous and harassing. Have you told him to stop texting or you will file charges? Have you threatened legal action at all or modification?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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momof489
newbie
Reged: 12/29/10
Posts: 36
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I just feel like with 50/50 parenting that we should both do 50% of it that means he does 50% of the Drs visits and if the kids are there and notices for lunch or field trips, drivers ed sign up that he should deal w some of it. I just don't remember the part where its 100% my job to do all the paying, then submit him a bill , get verbally abused over the bill for 7 days then finally get the $, then go to the bank to have them tell me if there is $ to cash it that day or if I need to stop back the next day. I wish I would have been primary parent, gotten the full CS and paid all their bills from that. I wouldn't have to go thru the fight every week to get paid back. That's what I want to modify. I have threatened all of it many times
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MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
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I agree with Miranda. There really isn't much you can do. Are appointments only made on your time?
Why not just switch weeks paying for the lunches? He pay one week and you pay the other and so on.
If he's supposed to pay half of everything and you know you will have to pay it upfront and be reimbursed - pay for it and submit the receipt. Don't contact him again until the 7th day if he hasn't paid.
IGNORE his texts. Just save and document.
What kind of visitations schedule do you have?
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momof489
newbie
Reged: 12/29/10
Posts: 36
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For instance Monday, tues with me, wed, Thursday him then Friday ,Sat,Sun with me, then the next week it alternates. I do send reciept then get battered about what everything costs n how wisdom teeth removal and drivers ed isn't needed and that he has no money because of our divorce and on and on until he finally pays on day 7. I do document and print off every text but will it ever be enuf to prove that co parenting dies not work with this man? Or am I just stuck in Hell for 6 yrs?
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MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
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Unfortunately it's likely you'll just have to deal with it. At least he pays and reimburses you within the court ordered time frame. Just make it a point to ignore his texts.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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All you said here is that he is a difficult bastard, nothing in what you've posted indicates that co-parenting isn't working.
Maybe you can retool your communication process to make things easier on you and less adversarial. Rather than incessantly placing money requests, pick a day each month where you will go through receipts and send him an itemized bill. You might want to inform him that this is what you will be doing. This will establish you as the typical payor for one thing. And cuts down on the constant "I need" back and forth. Divorced people don't like having to talk to each other all the time - usually - or they'd still be married. He may feel the same as you do about this and his ornery nature is a manifestation of this. Then you deal. If he has a problem with an expense - you can explain it. If he continually refuses to reimburse you, I would think at that point you could show that there was a change in circumstances to modify with you as primary parent receiving some CS.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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You aren't likely to get a modification without a change of circumstance and there isn't one. Also if you ask for one you are opening the door for him to do the same.
I imagine it's frustrating to talk to him all the time but if you want the 50% that's what you have to do. My x and I have the same type of arrangement with no CS changing hands. I don't think i have EVER submitted anything to him for reimbursement. I pay something and assume it will wash out eventuallly. Do you wait until after the 250.00 has been used before subitting bills to him?
He is right the drivers ed isn't a need and it's something that both of you should agree to before signing the child up. If not the parent who makes the decision should pay for it. Wisdom teeth on the other hand.....medically neccesary.
There are ways you can avoid dealing with him and if you have to forgo half of the lunch money or a co-pay to find some peace it's a small price to pay.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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momof489
newbie
Reged: 12/29/10
Posts: 36
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No actually our stip states we pay for 50% of everything. I don't wait for the $250 to be used. Unfortunately it would never come out in the wash because he doesn't volunteer to pay anything.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Well, I guess you have a choice.....You can find some peace in not having to deal with him all the time or you can ask for half of every five dollars you spend.
Personally I would feel as if i needed to take his half out of the CS every month before I asked for reimbursment on anything. Otherwise you really aren't splitting it 50/50, correct? He will pay 250.00 more every month. Maybe that's why he's being such an ass. Maybe it's not the way the CO is worded and maybe you have every right NOT to wait until you use the CS before asking him to split the rest but I imagine that would go a long way in stopping the fights.
If you think it's fair that you be named CP to stop the headaches of having to deal with him over money then how about you suggest HE be named CP and you pay him CS and you still won't have to deal with him regarding money. IMO you should never ask the other parent to do what you are not willing to do. **shrugging**
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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