authenticj
recently joined
Reged: 03/05/11
Posts: 7
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Please give me strong (not mean) wise words of how to get through this. I do want this divorce. I do not want a cheating, lying, manipulative, player, broke husband. I married him at 25. I was young and stupid. He "changed." People do. I AM too old, smart, beautiful, strong, and positive for him. But I need sage advice for dealing with seeing pics of facebook of him/and tenyearsyounger than me girlfriend together hugging WHEN WE WERE STILL MARRIED and I didn't know about them. It's like the biggest slap in the face in the world! They are so proud of this amazing adultery. Embarrassing. I need help for understanding why he's giving her the world while he gave me nothing. Why he is so stupid to let his girlfriend post those pics? Even if he lied to her, he shouldn't let her post those particular pics of a time when we were still married. He's that proud too? I'm never talking to him again, but he previously would cry and cry about how stupid he was, but those pics still remain.I don't need to hear that I let him be a piece of crap and no, I'm not a victim...or have a victim mentality. I really did get crapped on. Dreams die hard. I need advice for how to help those dreams pass and move on healthily. Anybody?
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lauramc27
newbie
Reged: 01/15/11
Posts: 43
Loc: Oregon
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You can't understand him because he doesn't even understand himself. How could he with the way he is acting. You just need to move on and try not to let this turn you into an ugly vindictive person. Just know in your heart that you are the better person and all know that and move on.
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stillsuffering
recently joined
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 2
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Don't look at facebook...it only hurts. I find it amazing that the cheaters are so proud of thier relationship. It's still shocking to me. I am in a similar situation. she quit her job in another state, that she had for 15 years to live with her 'fiance' my husband!
But I won't look at FB anymore. It only hurts us to see it. he is doing everything with her, that I wanted to do with him. And he'd always say, 'that dumb' , 'that's a waste of time'
That hurts too. We just have to be strong. I'm not so strong right now, but will be. I Pray. I'm 50 and afraid of being alone. Still have anxiety attacks and it's been 6 months. I have to live with people. I have no job, no money and only my vehicle.
Life is grand when the one that has sworn thier eternal love to you, just up and goes off with another.
Hang in there, and be strong.
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courage
recently joined
Reged: 04/11/11
Posts: 2
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you need to tell yourself that you are strong. you are worth it and you deserve better. you are better than him and his girlfriend. you need to grieve, cry when you want to and allow yourself to be angry. don't you ever think, even for a moment that you are weak.
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Debbs_Seattle
recently joined
Reged: 07/15/11
Posts: 7
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The path to healing is long and arduous. You HAVE to go through all the steps and stages of grief. If you try to skip one, it will come up later.
Allow yourself the meltdown, the tears and anger. Then get up and put your big girl panties on and move on to the rest of your day. The easiest way to do that is to live in faith..."Everything happens for a reason". Say it over and over each day. One day, you will wake up and know why and be done with every negative emotion from it all. Look inward, not outward. It is the journey not the destination.
(I pray and meditate personally. I also took a 4 week trip to a small desert town and reflected on 16 years of 'falsehood' and then came back different and quit my job, moved, started a new career, and found myself a nice boy-toy. We shared 3 months, then I moved on again in my journey to the re-discovered me.)
I have found success in my new career he forbade me from working in. Bought a home in the snobby 'hood where he never would have let us live. And have found a caring, loving man to spend my time with, but he has his own home, because I am not done growing yet.)
Good luck on your journey.
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homebody1973
recently joined
Reged: 11/17/11
Posts: 1
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The fact that those pictures exist shows why you left. The pictures being made public is just another reminder to you that you are making the right choice!
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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You said it in your post
"I AM too old, smart, beautiful, strong, and positive for him."
Keep telling yourself that.....cut your losses and move on.
I dont know when you got divorced or how much time has passed since he left...but based on what you shared, good riddance to him.
Each and every one of us deserve to be in a relationship where we are treated the way we deserve to be treated and be important to the person we are with, loved and cherished. Most of us want to be the only person in our partners life and we should get that.
Use your energies in taking care of you...hobbies, new interests, whatever it takes...
I was in a LTM, my X left to find himself...yrs later I found out he had been having a 4 yr affair with the woman he married...had I known there was OW it would have made it easier to move on...
Divorce hurts but its not the end of the world and people can come out stronger and the best part is that for most of us we learn to rely on ourselves and come to really like who we are, assuming we can recover.
Its been 11 yrs since my LTM ended and I must admit I am the most content I have ever been in my life.
Dont look at facebook, focus on yourself and what you want to do with the rest of your life. Its out there waiting....you just have to grab it and jump out there...
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dobralov
recently joined
Reged: 04/01/12
Posts: 2
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Authenticj,
I can relate to your experience and I am profoundly sorry for your pain. As another user said, you must expect and allow yourself to proceed through the stages of grief--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Don't brood on "which stage" you're in or whether you "have a right" to feel that way--different people struggle more with different stages.
I'd recommend you try to avoid "triggers" for what upsets you, and it sounds like that trigger is Facebook. Facebook is the great harvester of marriages now, anyway. Stop reading his page. I think you should consider unfriending him if you can't resist the temptation to look. Even if you have accepted and appreciate the need for divorce, it is understandable that pictures of him and his new girlfriend are terribly painful for you to see.
He will not stop posting them and his apparent apathy toward your pain angers and confuses you still. Stop looking there. Focus on yourself. Look ahead to the future. Buy a journal and write in it whenever the feelings of loss threaten to overwhelm you. Seek professional therapy if you can. Stay on this site for additional support, and find one good friend you can trust to confide it.
I am close to where you are. I'm about to divorce, the OP is still around, and I also fight a daily battle against bitterness, resentment, fear, loneliness, and loss. I'm there with you.
Avoid the triggers. If this means avoiding him, then do it as much as you can (though if you have kids you will may need to have some level of contact). Explore your hobbies or find new ones. Carve a new identity for yourself and learn how to be alone--we can't love another until we love ourselves. He hasn't learned that and is still relying on someone else to make himself happy, but that shouldn't matter.
YOU are all that matters now.
I hope this helps,
Dobralov
dobralov@gmail.com
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