doingmybest
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Hi Everyone,
I posted before about a situation I'm having with the father of my child and would like the opinion of this forum.
The father is suing me for primary custody in his state, which is not the home state of the baby. He lives in California and we live in Ohio where the baby was born. The only reason I moved to Ohio was to be near my family and have a support system in place for both me and the baby.
My question is would you move back to the state where the father lives so that the father can have a relationship with the baby.
Backround information;
1. Father did not want the baby, wanted me to abort.
2. He stopped speaking to me after I refused to abort and we have not spoken in close to a year.
3. The baby is 4 months old and he has never contacted me once about the baby, not for a picture, not for any information, nothing.
4. He is suing me for primary custody, though he has not made any effort to see the baby (I heard he is suing for custody because he does not want to pay child support)
Would any one move back? If I stay in Ohio, I know that the baby will be loved and nutured every day. My parents are providing childcare, so I know my son will be in good hands when I have to go to work.
If I move back to California, I might be going into a huge custody battle where my son might have to spend a good part of his week with someone who doesn't even care to ask about his health or wellbeing. My ex was extremely controling and I'm afraid the next 18 years will be nothing but fighting on his part with no cooperation or coparenting.
Should I take the chance that my ex can be a good father especially since the baby is so young and they need to be loved and nurtured, not used as a pawn.
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Buckeye
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Normally, I would want a child to have a relationship with their father but in this case, the father has made it more than apparent, that he doesn't really want a relationship.
It is my understanding that the father would have to file in Ohio, there is northing that California can do to help him.
I say stay put in Ohio. If the father decides to even try to have a relationship, then my thoughts might be different.
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Maury
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First, you may be able to challenge juridsiction in the State wherethe action is filed depending on when you moved and whether jurisdictional requirements have been met in your state (usually you must reside there 6 months).
Second. livinmg in another state does not mean the other parent will not have a chance to act as a parent. Chances are he will be granted a parenting schedule and, over time, that may include lengthy visits during the year.
The child is only four months old and the father has acted to assert parental rights. That is ny no means a complete disinterest.
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doingmybest
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[quote]First, you may be able to challenge juridsiction in the State wherethe action is filed depending on when you moved and whether jurisdictional requirements have been met in your state (usually you must reside there 6 months).
Second. livinmg in another state does not mean the other parent will not have a chance to act as a parent. Chances are he will be granted a parenting schedule and, over time, that may include lengthy visits during the year.
The child is only four months old and the father has acted to assert parental rights. That is ny no means a complete disinterest. [/quote]
I meet the residency requirements for Ohio, and that is where the jurisdiction should be.
I spoke to a lawyer who is going to send a motion to dismiss based on lack of jurisdiction. He also mentioned that if the father does file in Ohio then the first visitations have to occur in Ohio since that is where the baby lives and he is a stranger to the baby. I will not have to send the baby to him at least not in the beginning.
If he willing to pay for a lawyer in Ohio and fly visit in Ohio, then that will show he is interested in the baby and that will make me feel a lot better.
Right now, he doesn't even know what the baby looks like by his on choice. He is showing interest in his parental rights, he has not shown any intersest in the baby himself.
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elliesmom
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I would let this situation play out before I decided to move back.
First - you did move. Which means he may ask and get part of his travel expenses paid or you required to bring the baby to CA for visits occasionally.
His prior behavior wrt not wanting the baby won't (and to me wouldn't) matter much. For you the baby was real from the moment you knew it was there, you felt morning sickness, then kicks etc. It is not unusual for fathers (particularly when separated from the mothers) to not have that "real" feeling until birth. My husband is a wonderful father, but truthfully, he never was one to talk to my belly and act all goofy about pregnancy. He wept when he held each of our kids for the first time and pretty much from that day forward starting planning their lives, but before they were born? I could barely engage him in discussion about names.
It is very hard not to interpret his rejection of you and your relationship as rejection of your child. But I would encourage you to move past that, because he will be your child's father forever. And if he genuinely wanted a relationship with is child I would ultimately choose to live near him. Because A) I would not want to send my child once they weren't an infant anymore away for long periods of time to CA while I was in OH (which WILL HAPPEN once the chid is old enough to fly alone in the eyes of the law 5-7 yo - YIKES right?) and B) I would want my child to be secure in their relationship with their Dad if their Dad was capable of providing that.
But he may drop the issue once he realizes it won't be as easy as his lawyer wannabe friends have led him to believe. So I would wait and see. And extend an invitation to meet his child in Ohio or the next time you are in CA. And see what happens.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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MinnesotaMom
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When exactly did you move to Ohio? Are/were you married? If not, has there been a DNA test?
There is one part of your post that makes no sense:
"I refused to abort and we have not spoken in close to a year" and "(I heard he is suing for custody because he does not want to pay child support)"
How could you have "heard" something when you haven't talked to him in a year? Was there a gossipy little bird that told you or was in a dream?
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doingmybest
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[quote]When exactly did you move to Ohio? Are/were you married? If not, has there been a DNA test?
There is one part of your post that makes no sense:
"I refused to abort and we have not spoken in close to a year" and "(I heard he is suing for custody because he does not want to pay child support)"
How could you have "heard" something when you haven't talked to him in a year? Was there a gossipy little bird that told you or was in a dream?
[/quote]
We are not married.
I had a high risk pregnancy so a amnio was done when I was 16 weeks, we were able to do a paternity with the sample also. Once he knew the baby was 100% his he kicked it up to high gear that he wanted me to abort. I moved to Ohio when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.
We have mutaul friends and he has been talking to his buddies that he would rather take the baby from me then pay child support. I have not asked him for a dime since the baby was born. The last time I sent him a message was when the baby was born with complications and I wanted to let him know his son was in the NICU. He texted me back "maybe this is god's way of showing you that the baby should have never been born". That is the last time I have had any communication with him. We haven't spoken to each other since I was 5 months pregnant about 10 months ago.
My family tells me to change my number and forget he even exists but I want to make sure that is the best decision possible for my son.
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akrkck
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Reged: 03/22/12
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Let's take you out of the equation for a moment.
* He never wanted a child from the get-go. He wanted you to abort.
* When he found out his son was in the NICU, he wasn't concerned for his well being, he was only concerned with degrading you.
* When he found out his son is ok now, his primary concern is not paying child support, not actually being a father.
What kind of an influence is this man going to have on your son as he is raising him? I think you already answered your own question. It's in your son's best interest to stay as far away from this guy as possible.
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gr8Dad
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"his primary concern is not paying child support"
As evidenced by something she heard from somebody else who thinks they heard it from him...yeah, THATS reliable.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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elliesmom
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I would be extremely leary of believing and acting on "I heard" information - because it does not add up.
No lawyer faced with a man who wanted to avoid child support would suggest that he sue for custody when NO COURT ACTION was going on. The wise thing to do in that situation would be to sit tight and do nothing. As SOON as someone files something - CS can be backdated to that day. That would be plain moronic strategy unless you were in jail. So I am extremely skeptical of that - as you should be.
Second - as soon as he finds out you are in the area he DOES file for custody. That is an extremely smart move and on that a person takes when they are afraid they will be shut out of their kids life - because of an acrimonious relationship with the other parent and/or because the other parent has fled the area.
Is it possible he is a totally stupid jerk? Yes, but I would not bet my kid on it. If he comes out of this looking like a concerned father whose child was whisked away to Ohio before he even had a chance to meet him - and you walk in with a "BAER - he doesn't even want the kid he wanted me to have an abortion" YOU will seem like the parent who isn't acting in the child's best interest.
Frankly in your shoes - I would contact his attorney at least monthly asking when/if he wishes to schedule a visit in Ohio with his child. Or if you plan to return with the child - providing those dates. If he completely ignores/refuses these formal requests - you have NOTHING to worry about.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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MinnesotaMom
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Reged: 01/05/11
Posts: 170
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Sounds like the child is his and you are a resident of OH. Are you or the baby getting any govt. services from OH?
If so, he is probably already paying support to the state.
It sounds like there is a custody hearing pending. Make sure you attend.
What was he like before the pregnancy? This is probably the most accurate indicator of what he's like. Pregnancies often drive both genders bonkers.
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doingmybest
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[quote]Sounds like the child is his and you are a resident of OH. Are you or the baby getting any govt. services from OH?
If so, he is probably already paying support to the state.
It sounds like there is a custody hearing pending. Make sure you attend.
What was he like before the pregnancy? This is probably the most accurate indicator of what he's like. Pregnancies often drive both genders bonkers. [/quote]
I am still employed and telacommute, so my employer provides insurance for both me and the baby. I have absolutely no intention of going on government assistence and have never been on it.
There is no custody hearing scheduled. The only state that has jurisdiction to hear anything on custody is the birth state of my son which is Ohio. I had a lawyer send a letter with a motion to dismiss based on lack of jusrisdiction. That is the only thing that a judge will be making a decision on. I have been a resident of Ohio for 8 months.
Before the pregnancy he seemed like a nice guy. He helped to take care of his family and seemed responsible. After I found out I was pregnant he still wanted to date but wanted me to abort after I said no he did a 180 and broke up with me.
I can understand the feelings towards me during the pregnancy. He didn't want the pregnancy. But after the baby was born and I told him he was in NICU, his reponse that it's my fault and that god didn't want the baby to be born was cruel.
Since that he has not made one effort to find out about the baby.
Why didn't he send a letter with his petition asking to see his son? Why hasn't he asked about his son or asked to see him? I already reached out to him when the baby was born and he turned me down. I love my son, I would deal with the devil himself to see him or find out any information about him.
But I will take the advice of a previous poster and ask formally through our lawyers if the father would like to see the baby before I leave.
Thanks
Edited by doingmybest (04/11/12 04:55 PM)
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Debi
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On what planet would a state that doesn't even have the name of a father be collecting support that the mother knows nothing about when the child is 4 months old? I don't think ANY state moves that fast and even if they did they couldn't do it without her having any knowledge. It is not at all likely if she were on assistance he would already be paying CS to the state.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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MinnesotaMom
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Reged: 01/05/11
Posts: 170
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A I recall, in Minnesota a child support order must be in place within 30 days once the father is named.
The original poster said she thinks the father wants custody so he doesn't have to pay support. Doesn't that infer that he is?
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doingmybest
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[quote]A I recall, in Minnesota a child support order must be in place within 30 days once the father is named.
The original poster said she thinks the father wants custody so he doesn't have to pay support. Doesn't that infer that he is? [/quote]
He filed first for custody. I have not filed any child support. He supposedly wanted to beat me to the punch. I don't know why he opened up a can of worms, if I hadn't filed for anything nor was I planning too.
Like I said before he was controlling in the relationship, and I guess this is another way for him to exert control over the situation.
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Anonmouse
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First.. was this man married to you at any point during your pregnancy? Is his name on the birth certificate for the child or has paternity been established legally? If not, he may not even have a legal right to visitation much less custody until that occurs. No, I would not move back under the circumstances you state.. your main objective is to provide the best environment for your child you can and it appears that the resources you have available to you in Ohio are better. That and the fact the father seems to have little, and questionable, interest in the child at this point.
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