elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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You may not like it - but she's right. You are keeping track and comparing his calls to BM to his calls to your H.
You have said that he has a difficult time forgiving his father for having an affair and leaving his mom. That is understandable - its not like that is EVER over for him. He will forever have a split family. And every score kept of "he had time for HER but not DAD" is a reminder of what Dad did. because he should be able to just call "home" where his "parents" live. But he can't. So if I were you and your DH? I would behave with a little more empathy. If he can do that - his son will likely come around when he becomes a father. And finds out its not as easy at it looks. But if you both make it an ordeal? He probably won't. Who wants to deal with that BS? We gravitate to people who are pleasant and easy to be around.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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We don't say anything to him or the girls. The conversations are between H and I. No-one else knows how he feels about it. And for the record, SS told me that the "affair" is ancient history. Nothing will be said, or ever has been said or demonstrated that H feels this way. The only place I have vented about it is here, and with H. Why shouldn't H be upset? Basically I'm being told that we should just s*ck it up and accept the fact that his kids will use him as a doormat? I don't think so. I have never made an issue with them. I have always been pleasant and gone out of my way to do things for them. I'm beginning to think that the kids would be better off with me out of the picture entirely. Then they can have their dad around anytime they want.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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I think you need to differentiate between kids. It doesn't sound like his son is trying to sponge money and favors off of him. His daughters need a dose of grown up, but that is not what I was talking about.
And "the affair" will never be ancient history for him. It will always affect him. If memory serves you said he doesn't blame YOU - but his father. As it should be, but that is not the same thing as a kum ba ya singalong.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I think you missed em's point....
"I'm beginning to think that the kids would be better off with me out of the picture entirely. Then they can have their dad around anytime they want."
If something is keeping the children away then they need to come to terms with it and no matter what you do they will still need to figure it out for themselves.
I have learned that wanting someone to do what you think they should reaps nothing but disappointment.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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I want to ditto annie because it bears repeating. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. This is about him and his relationship with them. If he wants to hear from his kids more - you call/write and TELL them - "I miss you, and I can't wait to hear great stories about OCS." And wait. He can't MAKE them reciprocate. But he can make them NOT by getting in a wad about them not calling "enough."
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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I do get it, and I don't hate you OR your husband.
You just don't like what you're hearing.
Have you gone to counseling as has been suggested?
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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I have repeatedly told him to be "more involved" and "talk" to his kids more. Maybe that is the whole problem. He is non-confrontational, always has been. When SS spent the night before leaving, I asked both of them if there was something they wanted to "get off their chests". That this was the perfect time to "talk". No dice. They watched tv instead. Soooooo, I did my best. I tried to get them to talk to each other, tried to get H to "apologize" for his stupid behavior and for what he did. I know it hurts the kids, but I can't make any of them get past this. And believe me, I know it will never "go away". I hated my own SM b/c of her affair with my dad. They both denied it. But why would mum lie about something like that? Oh yeah, narcississtic personality. :) These meds are NOT helping my mood recently. The Dr. upped my dosage of the anti-depressants and I'm getting more and more anxious and pissy. I just tried calling, no answer at their office. Will try again to get the dose changed or try something else.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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I have tried it several times. I just stated that the meds are wreaking havoc on me right now. Everything is making me angry and upset and anxious. Time for something else. And time to find another counselor. What if they tell me I need to leave H? B/C I'm wondering if things will ever get better? Where would I go?? That's my biggest fear right now. That I made a mistake that I can't change and will have to "live with" b/c it's my duty to pay penance. That is why I get so mad, b/c what if????
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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I don't think a counselor will tell you that you "have" to leave your husband. That's not their job frankly. And I don't think a good counselor would say what one "has" to do. They will work with you for you to figure out, for YOURSELF, what is or isn't right for you. What you can and can't live with. What you can and can't retrain/relearn of your own.
And what if you DID need to leave him? So? You'd go out and you'd make your own way and it probably? Would be THE best thing to ever happen to you. Be you, learn YOU.. be comfortable with YOU.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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They wouldn't tell you that - and they shouldn't IMO.
It seems like you are more concerned about his relationship with his kids than he is. And that doesn't work. You can't make him care, or do things your way. If he comes to you and is upset - sure you can say "well maybe you should...." But that is all you should do. These are his kids, this is his relationship, and he needs to own it. You - go hug your dogs and be grateful they won't EVER ask you to co-sign on a car loan.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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