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Reged: 04/21/12
Posts: 1
Kids & Guilt
      #783599 - 04/21/12 11:49 AM

My divorce still not quite final but we split for good over two years ago, after 16 mostly unhappy years--had separated once; had agreed to get divorced another time, then decided against it; in both cases because of four wonderful kids.... But finally it all came to a head when, after being in denial about the fact that I was in the process of falling in love with someone, we finally kissed and expressed our feelings; and this was quickly discovered, and the kids were aware of it; and within a week my wife and I had agreed to divorce...

My kids believe that this "affair" (technically it wasn't that, but emotionally it's absolutely true that I'd developed feelings for a woman other than my wife) is what ruined the marriage and cast their lives into turmoil... and while I know this isn't literally true, from their perspective I understand why they feel this way--in other words, I carry the guilt of what I've done, and in a sense have absorbed their "version" of what happened without feeling I had the right to defend myself.

Two years later, the woman I was falling in love with is very much in my life--but I've been unable to even begin integrating my two lives; and the burden to her of my guilt about what I've done to my kids, my inability to move beyond it...well, I'm frozen between their anger and disappointment on the one hand and my love for the woman they believe to have been responsible for the breakup; and while they know she's still in my life, I've never been able to explain to them how important she is to me--to offer a corrective, if you will, to the version of the story their mother has reinforced...

I'm sorry to go on so long here--but my heart is breaking from the dividing of these two halves of my life, and I can't begin to find a way to deal with the guilt that threatens to ruin my relationships on both sides of that divide.

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Reged: 01/05/11
Posts: 668
Re: Kids & Guilt [Re: ConsumedByGuilt]
      #783708 - 04/24/12 03:55 PM

You reap what you sow cheater.

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Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1499
Re: Kids & Guilt [Re: MinnesotaMom]
      #783718 - 04/24/12 10:59 PM

What exactly do you plan to correct after two years - you cheated - regardless of how your marriage was - you cheated and the children's lives changed forever - to them they will always see you (and her) as ruining their family.

It is highly unlikely the children will ever see it through your eyes - to them you hurt their mom in a way that you cannot ever take back and you are still with HER.

Good Luck

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Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 926
Loc: NY
Re: Kids & Guilt [Re: ConsumedByGuilt]
      #783761 - 04/25/12 09:53 PM

Cheating is a hard situation to overcome. And I am not condoning cheating but after two years it is what it is.
Yes you hurt your children deeply and your wife and the residual effect is the anger and bitterness that you will probably have to deal with possibly for the rest of your life.

My X left me for OW and has since married her. They broke up a LTM and it was very hard for all of us.

Everyone reacts differently as you can see from the posts.

However, at some point to be healthy, it has to move forward.

You and your new love will need to work very hard to s u c k up to your kids. You hurt them deeply and they may never forgive you. But you can't give up, you were wrong but we are human and these things unfortunately happen. My X cut himself off once he left and he should have made more of an attempt to reach out, past the anger and hurt and try to find a way. There may be no way but that doesnt mean you give up.

Have you considered family counseling with your kids?

Marriages break up for many reasons and cheating is like a real deal breaker.

Could I badmouth the woman who my X left me for, yes..could there be bitterness...yes... but at the end of the day.. the anger just destroys everything.

you both have to realize that your kids are dealing with the pain, betrayal and the incredible hurt and may not understand all the dynamics of an adult leaving a family.

There is no right and wrong answer, but as hard as it is let them know you are sorry and that while they may not forgive you you will always be there for them.

I see no benefit in trashing the cheater, its done and over. You left, the woman you left your wife for is in your life...try to reach your kids in any way possible and again it may not be possible.

And if not, then you will have to accept it.

I chose to move forward, I have to see this woman now at family events with my X. We are cordial, and polite.

Life goes on for the adults...but the kids that is so tough.

Just keep reaching out to them and maybe it will get better.

Good luck.

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recently joined

Reged: 04/29/12
Posts: 3
Re: Kids & Guilt [Re: Annie7676]
      #783954 - 04/29/12 12:32 AM

Annie - just want to say, great advice. I'm trying to take the high road too as i know it's a good possibility that the woman my H is involved with could very well wind up being involved in mine/my kids lives too. It can be difficult.. i had told my H that i wasn't sure whether to punch her in the face or thank her.. lol! But really - it's just exposed the weak person that he is, and i'd rather find that out now than later.

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Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 926
Loc: NY
To CeCe [Re: CeeCee]
      #783987 - 04/29/12 08:00 AM

The OW my X left me for "is" in all our lives now, he married her...and she is right up there front and family events...she sits right there at the elder table with all the family aunts and uncles, jumps right in for the grandchild parties...

All of us who were left for OW/OM handle it the beginning when he first left, he lied and I didn't know about her...many years later it came out, I was the last to know.

I believe looking back now, 'if' I had known it may have been easier to move forward faster. If your partner leaves for someone else, that is usually a big clue that it is OVER. But we all hang on and try to make it work when there isn't a chance in the world.

I wish you luck. I have moved on and no longer care about him or her, they can do what they want...I am polite, cordial and X was a big slime ball for what he did....hurting the kids is the worst residual but hanging on to anger, bitterness, etc serves no purpose...makes the kids screwed up...

people cheat, its wrong, the fall in love and or l u s t with others...part of life.

but there is life after divorce...thank goodness

hang in there....

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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: Kids & Guilt [Re: ConsumedByGuilt]
      #787212 - 06/22/12 12:26 PM

Cheating is a VERY BAD THING, but ONLY if you are male. If you are a woman, then its like the "Bridges of Madison County " and everything is waterfalls and fainting with lust, and joy and romance and its OK.

Sorry for you being male, you are in trouble. Get a sex change and you can cheat all you want...

"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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