Start Your Divorce Today - Premium Divorce Online


Divorce Source Community Forums >> Stepfamily Issues

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | >> (show all)
AFreshStart
recently joined
*

Reged: 07/16/11
Posts: 14
How would you handle this
      #784233 - 05/02/12 10:52 AM

How would you respond to this email? Yes, he CC'd me on it I did not get it from either of their email accounts.


From: dad
Sent: Wednesday, May 02, 2012 10:42 AM
To: DD1, DD2
Cc: me
Subject: Miss you

Hey girls,

How are you two doing? I was just wodering if everything ok, you didn't respond to my last email, Im worried about both of you. Want to know about school and track and things that your doing. Is there something prohibitting you from emailing me, I have no phone right now, and email is my ownly way to communicate with you. i love you both and want to stay in touch. I am in Afghanistan right now for a long period of time. but while here i want to know that all is ok with both of you. How are you and your friends getting along. I miss you both, hope to hear from you.

Love
Dad


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
c_jane
Pooh-Bah
*

Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1894
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784235 - 05/02/12 10:56 AM

I wouldn't respond. I would ask the 'girls' why they're not answering their Dad's email. That to me is disrespectful.

--------------------
John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784236 - 05/02/12 11:01 AM

Given no details I would assume the reason you were copied is that Dad didn't get a response from the girls and wanted you to be 'in the know' that he was attempting to be in contact with them and desired a response from them, maybe hoping you could assist with the request for a response? I mean I'm just guessing here...

Were it me, I would ask the girls to type up a nice response when they hear from him and I would not respond to this email.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3428
Loc: right here ----->
Re: How would you handle this [Re: ssmom79]
      #784237 - 05/02/12 11:03 AM

[quote]Given no details I would assume the reason you were copied is that Dad didn't get a response from the girls and wanted you to be 'in the know' that he was attempting to be in contact with them and desired a response from them, maybe hoping you could assist with the request for a response? I mean I'm just guessing here...

Were it me, I would ask the girls to type up a nice response when they hear from him and I would not respond to this email. [/quote]


Agreed!!!

--------------------
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AFreshStart
recently joined
*

Reged: 07/16/11
Posts: 14
Re: How would you handle this [Re: c_jane]
      #784238 - 05/02/12 11:03 AM

He goes weeks without calling or emailing them, even when he wasn't deployed. He went as long as 3 months with no contact one time.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AFreshStart
recently joined
*

Reged: 07/16/11
Posts: 14
Re: How would you handle this [Re: ssmom79]
      #784239 - 05/02/12 11:09 AM

IMO, he cc'd me for a paper trail so that he can try and prove or show that I am prohibiting the girls from contacting him, which couldn't be further from the truth. I wish that he would contact them on a more regular basis, like calls 1 or 2 times a week when not deployed, and frequent emails.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784240 - 05/02/12 11:10 AM

Always encourage your girls to do the right thing, no matter how they are treated. Their father is attempting to contact them now. Hey look at it this way, it's just an email and teens these days can whip up mini novels on a cell phone, it shouldn't be hard to say, Hi dad, things are fine, school is fine, friends are fine, miss you and love you, signed, daughter.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AFreshStart
recently joined
*

Reged: 07/16/11
Posts: 14
Re: How would you handle this [Re: ssmom79]
      #784241 - 05/02/12 11:16 AM

I do encourage them to do the right thing, but I'm not going to ask them every day if their dad emailed and if they emailed him back.

While we were married I had basiclly force him to call his son from a previous relationship. I never thought he would treat the girls this way.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3428
Loc: right here ----->
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784243 - 05/02/12 11:37 AM

[quote]While we were married I had basiclly force him to call his son from a previous relationship. I never thought he would treat the girls this way. [/quote]

Why would you think that?

The best indicator of future behavior...is past behavior...

--------------------
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AFreshStart
recently joined
*

Reged: 07/16/11
Posts: 14
Re: How would you handle this [Re: Reilly]
      #784244 - 05/02/12 11:45 AM

Good question!!! I just thought he had a better relationship with the girls than he does with his son.

When he told me he wanted a divorce, in an email no less, he stopped all communication for a while. They were use to video messaging him once a week and talking to him multiple times a week. He didn't even tell the girls that he got remarried until 2 months after the fact.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3688
Re: How would you handle this [Re: Reilly]
      #784245 - 05/02/12 11:51 AM

[quote][quote]While we were married I had basiclly force him to call his son from a previous relationship. I never thought he would treat the girls this way. [/quote]

Why would you think that?

The best indicator of future behavior...is past behavior... [/quote]

Thank you!! I started to reply but couldn't find a way to not be bytchy about it ;-)

Ditto what you said!

It's pretty common for behavior to repeat itself. My ex and how different he treats one child of divorce versus another, is very unusual.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3428
Loc: right here ----->
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784246 - 05/02/12 11:53 AM

I'm one of those mom's whose ex decided he didn't want to participate in his childrens lives post divorce...My ex hasn't seen my children in 16 years...

When his current marriage went up in smoke, as expected, his current ex wife sent me a message via facebook, that she just couldn't understand why he wouldn't see or support their daughter..she never thought he would do that...

Um..hello?? I suppose she thought she and her daughter were just so special that he wouldn't treat them with the same disregard as he had his other children...

Again..the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior..

Encourage your daughters to respond to his email..at least he IS making an effort...what he's doing now is difficult and mind boggling..you, nor they, can possibly understand what his life must be like right now...

Encourage them..they will never be disappointed if they make an effort and have done what they could...if he doesn't reciprocate, that is his burden to bear...

--------------------
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784247 - 05/02/12 12:18 PM

I'm sure it's not going to turn into a long, drawn out ordeal, this may be the first and only time you're involved in emails between your daughters and their father.

Whether he's looking to talk to his kids because he misses them or if it's because he's setting you up, the best response either way is to have your girls email him back.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3688
Re: How would you handle this [Re: Reilly]
      #784251 - 05/02/12 12:56 PM

Agreed... whether they want to or not, they need to reply with SOMETHING. Just something they have to do. If they view it as a chore or whatever? Oh well, is what it is. My dd is only 6, but we already have this. She knows it's up to HER to do the heavy lifting in the relationship. And she resents it BUT, it is what it is. For me, it does have limits, but I'd never allow her to be rude, and not answering the father's email in this case? Would be flat-out rude.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3428
Loc: right here ----->
Re: How would you handle this [Re: LexieBelle]
      #784252 - 05/02/12 01:45 PM

I agree...there are limits to what responsibility a child holds in a parent/child relationship...but if he is reaching out to them, they should respond, even if its just to say "hey..I'm alright"...

--------------------
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3688
Re: How would you handle this [Re: Reilly]
      #784253 - 05/02/12 01:50 PM

Absolutely! It's just an email.. In this case mom should sit their butts down and MAKE them write one. I wouldn't leave it up to them to "just do it" on their own. If they're resistant, remind them it doesn't matter WHO it is, it's just POLITE, in general, to respond when someone asks you questions. I wouldn't even necessarily make it a "it's your dad" thing given the relationship?

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13394
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784259 - 05/02/12 02:33 PM

Not knowing the situation. If it was our daughter I would do the following:

Let her know that I got an email and that dad has been trying to reach her. It would be a great idea for her to respond or email him to check in. I would tell her that he is worried and that it's hard when a parent is away or out of the country keeping up.. I might even suggest skype is he can do that.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AFreshStart
recently joined
*

Reged: 07/16/11
Posts: 14
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784267 - 05/02/12 04:44 PM

My first reaction was to delete it from their accounts, but I didn't. I asked my oldest if her dad had emailed her lately and she said she didn't know because she hadn't checked her email recently. I told her that he had emailed and that she should email him back.

IMO, the girls are not a priority to him. Example, he knew for quite a while that he was being deployed. Did he tell the girls? No, not until I pointed out to him that his wife knew and she was getting prepared, the girls need time to prepare (mentally) themselves.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784271 - 05/02/12 05:31 PM

He made it a priority to email. Twice. So they fit in his priorities somewhere. Maybe not where you want them to be or where they are in your life, but he tried to email them. It's the right thing to respond.

Good luck.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Annie7676
old hand
*

Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 870
Loc: NY
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784273 - 05/02/12 05:50 PM

I dont know your situation but it appears he did make an attempt to contact them and probably did send you the email so you would know, for whatever the reasons are, bad or good.

Bottom line he is deployed which is no walk in the park. He, I assume is a US soldier putting himself out there for the reasons we hear but may not agree with.

How would they feel if that was their last email from him?

You could mention that he sent you an email and ask them did they respond? If they say no, its their business, do not know how old they are, but what were their reasons?

Your post mentions he is remarried, has a son from another marriage who he ignored, no excuse for that and not condoning his behavior at all.

Divorce, hurt, anger, sadness, etc...the residual effects of divorce and split families...at the end of the day all of us want to end the day without regrets.

I guess for me since I work with soldiers every day, it means something different to me. One never knows what could happen but I dont mean that too sound so gloom and doom as it does.

he reached out, maybe he hasn't in the past but that email shows he did. so maybe his conscious did do it who knows.

wish you luck on figuring this out.

my dad left when i was 4 yrs old and i had no contact for 50 years, nothing, no support, no birthdays, not a thing. He raised another family and now he is 86 yrs old and guess who he moved near.....I dont have much time left with him but i have the chance to know my Dad. at some point, the no regrets kicks in and he is trying.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13394
Re: How would you handle this [Re: Annie7676]
      #784277 - 05/02/12 07:22 PM

Glad you didn't follow your first reaction....you can stay stuck in what hs didn't do....but right now...this moment he is trying. Encourage the kids to write back...its the right thing.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784293 - 05/03/12 10:53 AM

[quote]How would you respond to this email? [/quote]

I would make SURE DD1 and DD2 respond to their father.

--------------------
Eternity is too long to be wrong.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784294 - 05/03/12 10:54 AM

IMO one person not doing 'their part' is no excuse for the other person not to do theirs.

--------------------
Eternity is too long to be wrong.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8839
Re: How would you handle this [Re: Avaya]
      #784404 - 05/07/12 12:02 PM

I am going to ditto that you need to sit them down and make sure they respond to their father's (and anyone else they know who takes the time to email) emails. All the time. Period. Because it is RUDE not to.

I am a SM whose stepson lived with us after his mother allowed his stepfather to be verbally/physically abusive to him (she did divorce the man after she lost custody). We still made him respond to her calls/emails, acknowledge holidays etc. Because - we wanted him to be a thoughtful, considerate young man. Kids are inherently selfish and even with teens it is "out of sight out of mind." My stepson spent 15 years with his mom, but put her 8 states away? She may as well ceased to exist. So don't kid yourself - their failure to respond isn't about him and his behavior. It is about kids being kids. They will offer up whatever excuse you want to hear, but the truth is they are kids. And kids just don't think about other people that much.

So in short - if you want your kids checking in on YOU in the old folks home, you better raise them to BE that kind of person. And that kind of person would be responding to their father's emails.

And I will warn you - my military husband got to watch his ex have her a$$ handed to her in court over many issues - one of which was her refusal to facilitate contact while he was deployed. He did the exact same thing - copied her in emails. The judge was INCENSED that she acted like it wasn't her job to make them reply.

--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AFreshStart
recently joined
*

Reged: 07/16/11
Posts: 14
Re: How would you handle this [Re: elliesmom]
      #784421 - 05/07/12 02:56 PM

[quote]And I will warn you - my military husband got to watch his ex have her a$$ handed to her in court over many issues - one of which was her refusal to facilitate contact while he was deployed. He did the exact same thing - copied her in emails. The judge was INCENSED that she acted like it wasn't her job to make them reply. [/quote]

While I don't agree that not replying to emails, whether it's from their dad or anyone else, is rude, I did tell them he emailed and they should email him back.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
*

Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 31363
Re: How would you handle this [Re: AFreshStart]
      #784465 - 05/08/12 03:38 PM

"While I don't agree that not replying to emails, whether it's from their dad or anyone else, is rude"

Interesting. Are they permitted to IGNORE you when you speak to them?

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | >> (show all)



Extra information
0 registered and 7 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  dsAdmin 

Print Topic

Forum Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is disabled
      UBBCode is disabled

Rating: *****
Topic views: 2546

Rate this topic

Jump to

Contact Us Divorce Source Home

*
UBB.threads™ 6.5.1.1


Resources & Tools
Start Your Divorce Online Start Your Divorce
Several Options to Get Started Today.
Divorce Tools Online Divorce Tools
Keeping it Simple to Get the Job Done.
Divorce Downloads Download Center
Instantly Download Books, Guides & Forms.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Books
Over 100 of the Best Divorce & Custody Books.
Negotiate Online Negotiate Online
Settle your Divorce and Save.
Custody and Support Tracking Custody Scheduling
Make Sure You Document Everything.

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code: