spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7952
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Gr8dad is much more Archie Bunker than I am. I'm Vic Mackie.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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But it's not "gossip" SRS.. It's sharing their EXPERIENCES with you! And PARTIcULARLY because they do NOT see him that often. Don't you see that? Of COURSE they want to tell you every little bit. It's a novel experience.. you're their main base.. their touchstone. And they go off somewhere else where things are TOTALLY different and they come back.. what do you think they are going to want to do??
Just would gently suggest that what you're saying is a little like what you're criticizing Char for. Perhaps?
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Nah....there is a difference in gossip and sharing. I don't want them to gossip and say hurtful things about anyone.
I'm not at all criticizing Char, btw. Just offering an opinion. I think she's in a hard sitch and her adult skids are very selfish.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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I have to say that in many LB is right. They don't see their dad often. They see their mom much more and their dad hadn't said anything negative about BM in quite some time to them or in front of them. In fact, he's even gotten beyond saying anything about her even to me. They aren't being mean or hurtful intentionally; they are "sharing" how their mother feels and how bad they feel for that. However, with that being said, they also know that I feel guilty for "ruining" their childhoods. So maybe, this is a subconsious way of reminding me what their mother went through. I don't want to stop them from sharing, but it does sort of "twist the knife" when they say things like their mom feels bad about SS not wanting her involved in his ceremony; things like that. I know I am in no way responsible for her feelings, but I do feel remorse for hurting her, even though H was the one who was married to her. SO maybe I need to tell them that if they feel the need to tell their dad something, I'd rather not hear it as it hurts me. Until I can get to a point where I am more secure in myself. Another reason why I haven't been attending gson's ball games, I feel that I am just a constant reminder to BM about her destroyed first marriage. I don't want to put her in that position. The problem will be when the birthdays come up for the grandkids. I hope I can cope better by then. :)
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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THis isn't about you, imo.
This is about selfish adults saying hurtful things to you and their father. There is a difference between sharing and being hurtful.
If you are uncomfortable, just say excuse me and leave the room. DOn't sit around and let them control how you perceive yourself.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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Honestly I think your SDs are selfish bytches for needling their brother on their mother's behalf on HIS BIG DAY. Talking about it front of you well of course they would. Selfish bytches tend to do that sort of thing.
Get your dogs some Marine Corps outfits, take their pics, and send it to your SS with a Congrats! we are so proud of you card and be done with it. At least then he will know he has some family that won't make it torture to be around them.
And Char - I am guessing that what really "destroyed" BMs marriage is her bottomless pit vacuum of selfishness. That she has managed to model very well for her daughters. She has moved on in life (remarried even right?) - when will you?
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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That is the very reason why I am back in therapy. I think that's a good idea about the dogs. LOL. I have sent him a card already, with some candy. Sent cookies, and brownies. Have sent messages via facebook telling him how proud we all are of his accomplishments. And yes, I will remove myself from the conversation the next time it comes up. It is getting old and I will need to stand up for myself. Thank you.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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My ex used to blame a lot of his feelings about family on his parents and his StepMom. IMO, when you get past a certain age, you need to take responsiblity for your own actions and your reactions to situations.
---> What 'age' would that be...16, 18, 21, 25, 30?
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I hope you know it wasn't a "get over it" kind of thing. But in a way - I encourage you to look at it again.
Even if you took something from her (BM) that she cherished and in no way did anything to lose, then what? Is your sole purpose in life to torture yourself? Is it made better if you only allow yourself a little happiness? Do you, when wronged by people, take pleasure in their misfortune and thusly you must torture yourself to give BM the pleasure you feel she deserves?
You realize that all of those statements - none of it was actually about BM. It was all about how YOU feel and YOU perceive things. Change YOU - and you change the situation entirely. You get one shot at this life. Good luck.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Starts as early as possible!!!!
HUGE pet peeve of mine.. Another thing I'm hammering into my kid's head. NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR REACTIONS BUT YOU. Period. Little Suzie Q didn't make you mad YOU made you mad. Little Suzie Q can do whatever the fvck she wants, all YOU can do is own YOUR reaction. Period.
This ranks in my top 3 list of "most important life 'soft skills' to teach your kids".
Sooner people learn this skill in life, the more control of their lives they will have and the happier they will be.
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