o0O0o0O0o0O0o
recently joined
Reged: 05/17/12
Posts: 1
|
|
So I am new here. Just looking for somewhere new & supportive on the internet to let something loose. Sorry that this is likely in the wrong section. I went to the 'general divorce' section first but saw it was just a bunch of shopping spambot posts. Thought this one was the next best fit - even if I'm not at the 'life after divorce' phase yet.
__
So I'll try to sum this up as succinctly as I can...
1) Wife is 7 years older than me and from a totally different background. We got together when I was 22 and she was 29, had a rocky, dramatic courtship with tons of adventure at the very beginning of the relationship, followed by years of 'should I or shouldn't I' footdragging by me, and then a long dispassionate marriage after that.
2) Once married, she suddenly became obsessed with astrology from out of nowhere, and it is a huge issue between us. Not fighting fighting. Just constant eyerolling and general disrespect for the other's viewpoints (especially when literally every single possible discussion quickly veers to birth times and star charts. I think she's a gullible quack and she thinks I'm willingly closed-minded to the truths of the universe).
3) 15 total years together. I was with her for 7 years as a BF, we got married & pregnant (not in that order), had 2 kids, but were always kind of unhappy with one another. Sexless marriage soon followed. I think we had sex 2 times in 6 years and got 2 kids out of it. I masturbated a lot in secret. So did she. It was pretty lame on all parts.
4) On new years 2011 I discovered that she'd been cheating on me with a semi-pro El Salvadorean soccer player for a couple of months (I swear that reads like a bad sitcom script, right?) I freaked out, and within the month, I'd moved into my own place. We've since been splitting the kids 50/50 - 3 days at my place, 3 days at hers, and 1 day split day. Lots of anger & fingerpointing initially, but eventually we realized our lives as separated parents have been great & stable, and all of the little annoying personal issues between us are no longer there. We're finding we're good parents as long as we're not together.
5) But it's not a situation that's good for our kids (now 5 & 7). We need to * * * * or get off the pot with this divorce thing, but neither of us can move forward. Despite everything, I'm still there for her when she needs something fixed, and she's still there for me if I am ever in a pinch. She's not with the soccer guy and hasn't been for a while, but the things she hates about me are still there. And I've forgiven her for cheating & I've taken on my share of the blame for the state our relationship was in that set the stage for it, but I also feel like I realized we're not right for each other & that I don't really want to be with her anyway -- even if she HAD fully accepted all blame and tried to grovel on the floor for me to stay or whatever.
6) And now to top it all off, I've found myself flirting with an exceptionally hot single mom from my son's kindergarden class. And I am feeling super guilty and terrible about it, and am freaking out about some pretty harmless flirting just because I can tell the POSSIBILITY is there for something with another girl. I haven't flirted with or felt anything for a girl in over a decade. I don't want to do anything wrong, and I don't want to make a sticky situation even stickier, but on the other hand I find myself really struggling with this. This woman knows my situation (wife and I are not hiding our separation from anyone) and she seems like just a nice, fun, understanding girl who I'd probably be able to like go out to dinner with or have a drink with or who knows maybe she'll even bat her eyelashes at me and giggle at my stupid jokes, etc. How great would that be? But I'm still technically a married man... and this woman's son is friends with my son. I am not out looking to get laid, but I really would LOVE some human female companionship and don't want to let a possible connection pass me by.
__
Alright, I can't seem to wrap this up with a solid, coherent single question. Just hoping someone might look this over and give me your [censored] amateur psychoanalysis. * * * should I do? And how!?
|
Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
|
|
well you are a guy right? and men are typically attracted to women...after being in a non-intimate, non close marriage for so long its probably pretty normal that you are attracted to a woman who seems to be receptive to you...
but while she may be nice and everything...caution is good and yes you are technically still married so that could be a dilemma. most would say until you are divorced you need to not go there ...but life happens..
i think its human nature for anyone to feel this way especially if the marriage/relationship with our partners was not good...feeling positive vibes from someone makes us feel good, exciting, etc but dont confuse it with the initial l u s t that people feel, that may be too strong a word but coudlnt think of another one
you and your wife probably need to determine what to do about the divorce thing so that you both can move on with your lives, sounds like you worked it out pretty good with the kids on the separation so the divorce may not be that hard
you say she hates you for the things you cant' change, well the door swings both ways and no one is perfect...i am sure there are things she does that are not that acceptable to you ...lets see cheating????...but in any event life moves on
if the marriage is over its over, move on, take care of ending it and start your new life over and hopefully not make the same mistakes again
if your separation allows you to date since its ususally the part before a divorce, then guess you can do that and not feel guilty but if its not a legal one then you will feel guilty and not supposed to do that and if your wife found out how would she react..
probably best to tie up your loose ends first
and then decide what to do
but at the end of the day you probably will make a decision
life is just too short to throw it away on being miserable
|
NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
|
|
I have a friend who has been legally separated from his wife for close to fifteen years. He and she have both had other relationships, but neither has wanted to get married again, so they've left their legal marriage stand. It seems to work for them and their kids, both of whom have now graduated from high school.
My friend says every once in a while he thinks about getting a divorce, but when it comes down to it, neither spouse wants to spend the money on lawyers and court. Especially when what they have is working for them.
I think at some point it was about religion and family (both Catholic and had parents who would have not approved of the D word), but all their parents have now died so that point is moot. As I said, they live their own lives, but like you, they are there for the other spouse if something needs to be done.
I would say, if it isn't broken, don't try to fix it.
But be honest with any new women you meet. Some may have a certain standard in whom they date, so you might lose a few early on when you tell them you are only separated. They may see the separated-but-not-divorced state as one where you still have emotional ties to your ex that cuts them off from achieving a similar depth in your relationship.
|
finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
|
|
Why can't you still "be there for each other" as friends who used to be lovers and now will always have a connection because of children ?
I think if you are ready to move forward with dating, you should make yourself make some progress on the divorce.
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
