newave
recently joined
Reged: 05/17/12
Posts: 4
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Ok so I have been with my husband for a total of 16 years. We were married for ten. I am now 35. I knew I loved him from the first time I met him. He was drop dead gorgeous! We dated and it was not all that great. So I left him and moved on. Eventually we reconnected and started over. It was wonderful. He was gentle and attentive. I found out he had the same dysfunctional family background that I had (mothers on drugs and father's were not there) so I felt we had commonality (big mistake).
About five years later we married and had 2 sons. The marriage was rocky at best. He never wanted a 9 to 5 job so he started a business. The business failed after 3 years and he became resentful towards me. He felt I did not support him enough but in reality the economy was just bad. Soon he became emotionally distant and never wanted to show affection or have sex. Shorlty after I found he was having an affair with a neighbor. I was devastated. I did not want the marriage to end but I was so hurt that I lashed out. We fought (physically and I hurt him). We both went to jail for domestic violence and eventually got restraining orders on eachother. We went to court and got visitation and support arranged and never spoke again for the next 3 months. One day he showed up at my home and wanted to reconcile. He never once admitted to the affair and then I found out he was talking with his ex girlfriend. I said no and kept going on with my life. I started dating and then he showed up again.
He started going to school and got a regular job. I thought these were positive changes so we began to reconcile, got counseling and we moved to another state to get a fresh start. Then two years after we move I noticed that he was stealing from his job. So I confronted him and told him to get help. He promised to never steal again and he has not. Side note.. When he was a kid, he used to steal food to feed his siblings and himself. He did it for so long he never actually stopped. Even though there was no more need to do it. I pointed this out and he stopped. 2 years later I noticed he was becoming distant again. I tried to talk to him but he was becoming angry with me. Something told me to check his phone records and I noticed texts to his young female co worker after work hours(around 8pm and it was only five times). He said it was work related. But I told him to stop immediately for my piece of mind and he did. He told her that there would be no more communication with her after work. But even after he stopped I looked at him differently. I never fully regained my trust after the affair so things like that were a no no.
We have no problems in the bedroom since we moved. He takes care of my every need at home. He cooks and cleans after work and he takes care of the kids (did i mention he drives two hours to work each way?). He has grown alot. But I still felt hurt by his past aggressions. Push came to shove and I told him to move out. I packed up all his things and put him out. A few days later my car broke down on the side of the road. He immediately picked me up and took me home. He took care of everything for me but refused to talk to me. I know that I hurt him but i am hurting too. I lived with years of mistreatment. We have been seperated a month now. Because of the weirdest circumstances (like my car breaking down and the death of two close family members) we have been thrown together. So he has been forced to spend some nights at home with me and the kids. Immediately after the kids went to school he asked for sex and it is amazing. We were together for four days and he made it clear that he wants me at every turn. But when he goes back to where ever he is living he wont speak to me at all. He won't call me or text me unless its absolutely necessary. But when he shows up at my door he seems so happy to see me. I don't say anything to him about our relationship. I plan to move forward with the divorce after our anniversary (which is four months away) but my deepest desire is that he makes the changes I need him to make and I will take him back.
I simply wanted him to leave so i would be forced to learn to trust him out there in the world. So far he has done all the things I wanted him too (without me saying it). He takes the kids every weekend, he plans to move a few blocks away from us, even though his job is one state over and he is not so much as looking at another woman. This is why i am so conflicted. I want to be separated because of our past and some fleeting issues with his behavior but I love him desperately and he is acting so responsibly towards me and the children. Yes I am going to counseling to figure out why i was in this relationship in the first place and how to be more healthy. He is in counseling too for the same reasons. :confused: and in love.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6497
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Once you've BOTH been to jail and had restraining orders against each other, I think the odds of BOTH of you changing enough to make this work are overwhelmingly bad.
Therapy certainly sounds like a good idea. Sounds like you each have your own issues to deal with. Start with that before you try to get into ANY relationship.
Never base a relationship on wanting to change another person....or wanting to be with him only if he changes....."my deepest desire is that he makes the changes I need him to make and I will take him back."
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newave
recently joined
Reged: 05/17/12
Posts: 4
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Thanx for the advice. We are both now in counseling and there will be no more flings. We will be living separately. He has to change for himself. This I know, but if he did make the changes needed(on his own)which he is doing and after intense counseling for a considerable amount of time, I would definitely take him back. Besides I need alot of help too. I have an awful temper and need to keep it in check. I am a highly educated woman with no prior history of violence. It has only been with my husband. I will go to counseling to learn to change the way I respond to conditions that are out of my control.
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newave
recently joined
Reged: 05/17/12
Posts: 4
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And thanx for not beating me up too badly. It takes courage to tell this kinda story.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6497
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It does take courage newave. It will take more to focus on what you need to do and not think about what he is doing and if/when you can try to get back together. Take that possibility OUT of the equation for quite a while.
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dresses1250
recently joined
Reged: 07/13/12
Posts: 1
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Post deleted by dsAdmin
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JustBreathe
recently joined
Reged: 09/10/12
Posts: 2
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It does take courage to open up and tell your story here.
The biggest thing your doing right is pursuing CHANGE in you. We cannot change others only through our own personal change do others see this and if desired they to pursue change.
Brian
Author Just Breathe
[censored]://[censored].justbreathenow.net
You have what it takes continue to go after the new you and you will see an amazing new world out there.
God Bless and keep praying for God to see you through this amazing transformation about to take place.
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Anything4Love
journeyman
Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 60
Loc: Virginia
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I left my husband also. I could not stand the way I was treated or the living conditions I was subjected to. Yet even a whole year later I have so much sadness and regret. Leaving him was necessary and I still feel was the only decision, but I regret that our marriage hadn't been better so that I had never been compelled to leave. And it's amazing how much the finality of the divorce papers can stir up all kinds of strong feelings you didn't anticipate. It's tragic, any way you slice it, and even when you needed to leave.
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