annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I have a cousin by marriage who fell into some trouble a couple years ago and is out on parole and my hubby wants to allow him to come here and park his motor-home on our property to stay for a while. I do not necessarily agree.
My hubby has been friends with him since they were in junior high and I have known the man for about 25 years. He is still married to my cousin but they are divorcing because of the trouble he got into and she almost went down with him (they were married 23 years). He became a drug dealer, which I still cannot figure it out for the life of me why - I never saw that happening in a million years and he was never the type to take part in something like that.
I really think it is a bad idea but also want him to be able to start a new life - just not here. My cousin is so embarrassed and humiliated that she hasn't spoken to any of the family or friends for two years. He hadn't worked for five years before this happened due to physical injuries and she is/was a well respected member of society - she is an assistant principle at a school - she was cleared of all wrong doing since she had no idea what he was doing when she was at work. I don't know if I totally believe she knew nothing given it was going on in her own home but I wasn't there and she isn't the type to do that but then again neither was he...
I am curious as to what others think? Would you give him a chance? I do know he learned his lesson and he did spend two years in prison and now is on parole for 27 months and has 20 months left.
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
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No way in hell. I have zero tolerance for drugs.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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You know I think it really depends on the person annieo. He may find that one of the natural consequences of his actions is a loss of trust on the part of those around him, including you and the feelings you have about him parking and staying for a while.
Plus, what's a while? What happens if he starts up again?
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I guess I probably let him as long as I had the number to his parole officer and he knew straight up - I will turn your azz in the first time I see the HINT of drugs or drug users on my property.
I assume this was his first offense and I would want it to be his last, but I wouldn't want it more than HE wants it - ya know. Because that never works.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Arden
old hand
Reged: 02/27/06
Posts: 858
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For me there would be a couple of factors.
My house is my sanctuary. A safe haven for me and my family so to speak. If I can, I will stop anything I know will jeopardize the balance of that or not allow it to happen in the first place. Only you can determine how his being there will effect you and your families home life.
If you do let him move there are you willing and ready to set your rules and guidelines to his being there? Clearly let him know what the consequences are if he breaks or ignores any of them? Also are you ready to enforce them? Will you and your husband be on the same page about all of that?
If I were you I explore how this will effect your extended family. Starting with the cousin he was married to. Working my way down the line. If it were to strain any existing relationship with any of your family members, then again for me it would not happen.
You mentioned he had not worked for 5 years prior to being arrested due to a physical disability. Has that cleared up or is he still disabled? How does he now make a living? Since you said, he was never the type to do what he did, it could be his desperate need to keep up the money and status he had prior to his disability that drove him to deal. Another reason could be through his disability he could have developed a drug addiction to what he was prescribed that got out of control. If any of those are a possibility have they been cleared up or rectified to where they would not happen again?
Since you said he has learned his lesson and is ultimately a nice guy, is there any other way to help without giving up a part of your personal life and home? Are you in a the position to help him secure somewhere else to put his motor home? Maybe help pay the lot rent up for him by a couple of months? Keep phone and personal contact with him? Have a standing dinner date to come to your home one night a week? Or a buy him lunch somewhere once a week if you aren't comfortable with a weekly guest? Drive him to appointments to keep him company? Not all of that needs to be done. That is just some examples.
One thing I would do. No matter what you decide be up front and tell him the truth and whys of it. Right now the one thing he does need is truth. He is the one that created the position he is in. There will always be consequences to that position. He doesn't need it to be whitewashed.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19807
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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He became a drug dealer, which I still cannot figure it out for the life of me why
---> Desperate people do desperate things. But perhaps you should ask him.
I don't know if I totally believe she knew nothing given it was going on in her own home but I wasn't there and she isn't the type to do that but then again neither was he...
---> So long as you aren't using your own merchandise, don't have customers coming to your home and can explain the income or don't flash the cash...it's actually pretty easy to hide it. Hell, I was selling weed the last two years of high school...my parents had no idea. I also had a friend in Arizona that, if I had been more naive I would have never figured that he was a major dealer, but it took me almost a year as it was because he hid it that well.
I am curious as to what others think? Would you give him a chance?
---> Why not? You are going to want to sit down and talk to him...probably find out why he did what he did, discuss his future plans and boundaries.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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I say yes, but put a time limit. He deserves a second chance. You said prior to this he was an outstanding citizen. However, let him know he has to gain your trust back.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3155
Loc: SC
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You lost me at "drug dealer". I hope he *is* able to start his life over and be a happy, healthy, law-abiding, productive member of society.
Just go be law-abiding and productive somewhere else.
Drug dealers have enemies. No.Way.In.HELL would I allow him around my home.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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In my state there is a 2 week time limit that you can stay at each campground, but the state campgrounds are cheap (and some even oceanfront !).....$12 a day. Giving him $336 could 'house' him for 4 weeks.....and then he wouldn't be dumping his 'black water' on your land/in your toilet. I think in NY state, rates start at $8/night.
What are his plans for food expenses ?
Will he be able to get a job ?
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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Good thinking, finz. I was coming up with some of the same ideas:
Does this guy have a job? If not, he's going to be living off you until he can get a job. With his background and the job market, that might be a VERY long time.
You'll be feeding him.
He's going to need to bathe. He'll be using your bathroom, soap and shampoo and towels.
He's going to want to watch cable tv and use the internet.
He will need to use a phone, yours (long distance charges?) or he'll have to get on your phone plan or be able to pay his own phone and plan.
He will need clean clothes.
Does he have a vehicle and a license? Can he drive himself around (if he can afford gas)?
This could be a long, drawn out camper visit.
Correct me if my hunches are wrong.
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