Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I see many posts on step dads/moms.
My mom was married 3 times. She is not an easy woman and has issues.
My Dad left when I was three and moved across the country and I had no contact with him all my life. It was like he didn't exist.
My 2nd step dad came into my life around 5 or so. He was basically a good man and filled the role of Dad as best he could but at that small age you just go with the flow. He was Dad. They got divorced when I was about 13 and it was done with.
I came home from school one day at 14 and my mother announced she had been married. Shock, anger and betrayal were what I remember, not against my step dad but my mother.
There was a block there. Its a unusual place to be when you have a step parent because you know they arent' your real parent but a step.
The 3rd time for my mom worked like a charm. The marriage lasted 25 or so years and he was a good man.
The regret I have is that I never got to tell him thanks for the love, commitment and caring he gave me.
When I read the posts here about the back and forth on step dads/moms I understand and I get it...I have had 3 dads.
If children have good people in their lives whether biological or step who care for them, have their best interest at heart, listen to them, care for them, have their backs thats about the best we can ask for.
I had a wonderful step dad and he is dead now and I regret that I will never have the chance to say thank you.
He was there for me in every aspect that counts so if we as parents can be a loving person in a kids life we can make a difference.
These days kids need all the support in the world from caring adults who can help set their feet on the right path and make them feel loved and cherished.
I am not criticizing anyone here but from my perspective now looking back, I was very lucky and blessed to have two step dads that took care of me, and were Dads in the real sense of the word.
Step parents can make a real difference in the life of a child. And at the end of the day, don't we all want the adults in our children's lives to love them just as much as we do?
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Annie.....I agree with you and I hope that someday my daughter and SM can make ammends. Even though my 16yo has issues with her SM, I don't really think they are much different than the issues she has with me. I will never deny she has done a lot for D16 and D14 and I know she loves them. They also love her. I'm glad they do, and I have never felt that she has overstepped any "bounds" with them in regards to me. I am well aware of how much she does for the younger two and I'm grateful. It's nice to know that they have extra people in their lives who love them.
My post below about graduation started out being about the way X has been treating me rather than the issue between SM and D18
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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My take:
From my view as a young child with a new step dad, ease yourself into my life and slowly establish trust between us and never try to replace my bio parent, regardless of what position my bio parent has in my life at the time. Never, ever speak badly about either of my parents or allow me to over hear you speak badly. Respect that I my feelings, my sense of loss and understand my apprehension to you, a relative stranger in my home. Let our relationship grow based on trust and respect. Mostly, I am the child, I can not process like you can as an adult, give me time to adjust and learn who you are. Establish healthy boundries without making me feel unwanted or unloved by you, or an inconvenience in your relationship with my mother.
As a biomom to the new wife. I welcome you into my son’s life. Respect his feelings, his insecurities, his needs and his relationship with me. Do not try to replace me as you will find he will rebel. Treat my son with respect and he will treat you the same. Treat his Dad with respect and my son will respect you. Do not try to over ride his Dad’s rules or wishes, do not speak badly about either his dad or I as my son will internalize you insecurities and feel badly about himself. Respect that my son is not able to process his thoughts like an adult and understand he sees you as a stranger in his life. He is a deeply loving child and very protective over both his parents. Embrace this, respect this and his will soon learn to love you the same. His heart is plenty big enough to love everyone but if you try to make him feel bad about either of his parents, he will put up walls with you.
As a step mom to the bio mom. I only want to love your child, please be secure in the idea that I have no want or need to try and replace you. I intend to be only a player on the parenting team, not a captain. I will love and care for your children like “my own” with the exception that you and only you are their mother. Please accept and respect that in my home, they need to have respect for me, as I do them as well as you. I take my leadership from their father as to their well being and I am 100% behind you and their father working together as a team to establish rules and boundries for them. I am not your enemy, I am only an invested member of the parenting team wanting the best outcome for the children.
What I have experienced through my life situations with the step parenting roles is the ADULTS insecurities are what causes the a large percentage, if not all of the issues with the kids. My step dad married a woman with five kids, was jealous of my father(who was dead) ordered all my Mom’s past (which was mine too) burned. Grew to hate her kids and boot them out of the house at 12 to 14 yrs old. When my little brother asks me what happened with the family, I simply tell him that blending a family is a tough thing and it really wasn’t handled well. Outside of correcting a few lies he’s been told here and there, he doesn’t need to know about 95% of it. The situation I lived through with my step kids is pretty much diarized on this site.
Regrets? That’s a toughie. My childhood was what it was and I do have the odd bit of anger when I see the effects it had on my siblings. Some took many more years than others to overcome what all happened, some will never “recover”. For my situation, I feel like I wasted ten years of my life. If either of my step kids had benefitted, I wouldn’t feel that way but all that came from that ten years is that *I* was the cause of all evil, a new scape goat more or less. I haven’t yet seen the “why” I was meant to go through that…maybe its still to come. Unfortunately, yes, I regret letting myself and my son live that hell for the time we did. Maybe the reason is more about something for my son to learn than me.
Would I do it again? I don’t know. I like to think that I won’t base any future relationships on experiences from my past. Still, three years out….I enjoy the sanctity of the single life and the “zen like” quality of my home. Hard to want to give that up for anything, let alone new step kids. Time will tell.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Excellent post, Spring and Annie...I hope everyone reads them. Thank you for posting them.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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Ditto M5! Two beautiful accounts and both full of so much wisdom. Thanks for sharing :)
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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As a BM, I just want my ex to meet someone that is kind to my children. I recognize that they are NOT your children, but at least be nice to them. They are little guys.
As a person who has dated in the past, I was looking for a companion. Not a father for my kids. They have a father. They could use a role model and someone who is kind.
As someone who has taken the SM role before, I was kind to the girls. However, I felt like the hired maid/nanny/cook for the family. His daugther missed the bus for the 15th time in a semester, I am not taking her 10 miles out of my way to school again. You, not me, can deal with the consequences. Juvie Court again? Your kid, you can take off work to take them. They were not my kids and while I liked them, I never grew to love them like I do my own children now. I felt sorry for them because their Mom had passed away after the divorce and girls need a woman around.
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spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7956
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So if girls need a woman around, and then boys need a man around, isn't your son doomed?
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30210
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Yeah, you don't mind being a step mom as long as you don't actually have to PARENT the lids, right? The most telling statement in your post? "They were not my kids and while I liked them, I never grew to love them like I do my own children now.". How do you agree to be a step PARENT and not love the kids? Parents of ANY sort love UNCONDITIONALLY.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I don't love everyone I meet uncoditionally. I just don't. Love is something that comes with time and getting to know people. I had 9 months to get to know my kids before they moved in with me.
I hope you don't automatically love every person you meet. That is just weird and more than a bit creepy.
I do think that if a child is having issues at school, their birth parent needs to be involved and not push it off on the steppie.
In my case, Dad was lazy and didn't parent. He pushed off maid, nanny, cook, and parent on to me. Plus, I was the primary breadwinner.
The birth parent and not just the steppie needs to be there when the kids goes to Juvie Court for the billionth time. I had no legal rights to represent this child. No more than a neighbor.
If a kid is failing out of school and has issues with truancy....the birth parent needs to step up and not expect the step to take care of it because they are too busy. Dad needed to get his rear to school to help his children.
Dad wouldn't back me up with I said guys couldn't spend the night in their rooms. Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked for them both to be home at night with regular curfews when they were 13 and 15. Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked for the girls to pick up poo from the floor when their dog had accidents. Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked the girls to at least pick up the house before I got home from work to lighten my load a bit.
Dad did want me to pay for clothing and extras for the girls however. He expected the older girl to be able to use my car without asking and for me to add her to my insurance. Dad expected them to be able to use my cell phone without asking.
He was a lazy person in general which is why things didn't work out for us.
BTW, Dad was a grandparent well before either girl graduated school. One girl is a stripper and the other lives off welfare with her kids. The youngest girl's oldest child is a little younger than my youngest child. I ran into her at daycare last year. Very sad.
But, it works for you to push off all of parenting responsibilities to your new wife, cool. We'll see how long your marriage lasts this time.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
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Why did you even marry someone who had kids?
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