momtothreekids
recently joined
Reged: 05/01/12
Posts: 13
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My ex and I are in court ordered coparenting therapy due to his lack of compromise and communcation. It is not going well. The therapst, who works well with our kids, is just to unbias to help us reach am agreement on anything.
So I have right of first refusal and I have the kids this Friday while my ex works. He usually picks them up at 5:15. This weekend is my weekend. The time starts at 6 pm. I just know he will come get them at 5:1t, just to drive them 25 minutes home just so I have to drive out there to get them. The therapist suggested I email him asking if he was planning on getting them, as I want totake the kids to a 3pm movie that ends after 5.
I have yet to hear back from him. I am sure he will say no. Our orer says we can be 45 minutes late, but nothing about being early. If he says no he will literally be picking them up to take them for a car ride. I will then have to go out of my way to ge thtem, when I just had them. Now how the therapist will deal with this is to tell me he will eventually lose the spitefulness and I should just go with what he wants. I have given in too everything so far (court things the judge made us see the therapist to work out with us). Ex got his way on all of it, except enforcing right of first refusal. It is a longggg story.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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Hey, remember back when you asked about the right of first refusal, and that you wanted to pick the kids up from CAMP, because they were with their Dad for five weeks in the summer, and since he has to WORK< they were going to camp? Remember How I told you that you would need a FAVOR from him, or you might WANT something from him, and he wouldn't do it, because you gave HIM no breaks?
Or how about when you were blaming HIM for the fact that you could not refi the HOUSE from the marriage, and were blaming HIM because YOU could not get his name off the mortgage? And people told you it would bite you in the ass because you would need something?
Well, now you NEED or WANT something from him, and TADA, he wants to follow the ORDER.
How's that ASS feeling right about now?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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You are actually complaining about your misfortune in having an unbiased counselor ?
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3153
Loc: SC
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" The therapst, who works well with our kids, is just to unbias to help us reach am agreement on anything. "
The therapist is NOT a mediator - it's not their job to help you reach an agreement on anything. It's their job to help you both see each other's points of view so you can reach agreements on your own.
I don't remember the specifics of your past posts, but if you've not been willing to compromise on his early pickup, why should he compromise on yours?
Now maybe you have compromised in the past (your comment about it being a lonnng story). That was your choice, and it does not have to be his. If you feel taken advantage of, well then, go by the court order.
Which means you don't take the kids to a movie that runs over into his time. You wait until you can enjoy the movie with them on YOUR time with no worries. Would you appreciate him taking them to a movie that ran into your time? No? Then why should he?
So you have to drive all the way out there when you just had them? Well, he gets to get off work and spend the only time he'll have with them for a weekend in a car for less than 30 minutes. Would that be nice for you to have to do?
Do you realize how much stress and the 'unknown' factor would fall away if you just went by that piece of paper? Deal with not getting any favors from him and quit giving them yourself, and go by what's in black and white until you make progress in your court-ordered therapy.
You're throwing gas on a fire with these silly requests at a time when you're under a microscope, and it doesn't make him look badly to go by the order, it makes YOU look greedy to think you don't have to.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7783
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Love hearing of an unbiased therapist. I often hear where therapists are one sided and biased toward another parent.
Follow the advice of the therapist. Let dad do what he wants with his time and pick them up when it is your time. Maybe someday you can both grow past this, for now, expect him to do what he can to be difficult. It is what it is. Ride with it.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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I would say he clearly doesn't appreciate the way YOU have decided to enforce the ROFR, which you were warned was the case - as camp is a valuable experience (I am in my 30s and have old camp friends on my FB page - as do my SKs). You forced him to pay thousands in atty fees to get this order - by god YOU will follow it. That's called - being a normal person, not a difficult person.
If you don't like it then I suggest you compromise. Lay it on the table - what you want - to not have to make the kids sit in the car and not have to drive out of your way. If he were to agree to that - what would he want in return? And be prepared to give.
And learn the lesson. The order might be on your side, but coming to an agreement is always better for everyone.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
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I went back and read the original thread, if he got everything except the ROFR I assume they are going to camp, but he can't use the after care - they have to be with you for 2 hours every day. You know what - I would make you drive to get them too.
He gets FIVE WEEKS - you get the rest. And he can't go a DAY without picking up the kids from YOU. If you insisted on that? You'd be driving to my house every other friday too. You want to be petty? Well you got what you wanted. A petty relationship.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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That is something I have NEVER understood about some parents. Honestly, I almost wish this site had a "See, we TOLD you so" board. Some parents want to NIT PICK and follow the order to a TEE, then they want something OUTSIDE the order, and they CAN'T seem to understand why the other party wants to follow the order to a TEE. Its like that can't grasp why a person you have treated like CRAP for years will not treat them like nobility.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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dadinva
newbie
Reged: 06/06/11
Posts: 47
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This is EXACTLY what I going through with my ex. I *thought* we could reasonable, and I gave her a lot of what she asked me for. Then she got mad at me over child support issues, started being totally unreasonable, and actually took me to court over 45 minutes. Ever since then I've held to the order to the last letter. I'm not going to get chewed out by a judge and risk contempt over petty things after everything I did to try to accomodate her. I'm choosing to cover my own but by that as well.
This past weekend she wanted to meet half hour early because she had an appointment. Absolutely not.
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