M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Ok, what do you say to your 17 yr old daughter when she is asking questions about memories she has that are warped? SD is at a Christian youth camp and she sent DH a letter wanting to know about some things in her past. She wants to know why she isn't his priority, why she was called selfish for so long and that she still remembers the bruises left on her from the belt and the cut on her head from a spatula. I guess she doesn't remember the details...but the way she phrased all this, makes DH sound like he abused her. Um, she was the favored daughter and hardly ever got spanked...NONE of them got spanked often or even disciplined at all (which caused alot of our earlier fights).
Take the spatula incident...she was about 6...DH hit a cabinet door with it (out of frustration) and it flew out of his hand, backwards and hit her in the head. Left a scratch because it broke when he hit it. He didn't throw it at her. But, I remember her going to her moms and telling her about it and all of a sudden, it was intentional (bc he was accused of it in a court pleading). The bruises from a belt? Never happened. She got spanked with the belt, she moved and it hit her legs instead of the belt and it left a red mark, but not a bruise (and the mark disappeared that same day...btw, that was only the second time she had been spanked with the belt by her dad and it was also the last because he was upset that he got her legs instead of her rear end). She WAS called selfish...by me back when she was refusing to come over or have anything to do with this side of her family. And she was and IS selfish. All kids are.
Anyway. DH doesn't know about the letter yet...because he's not home from work yet. He is going to be upset though...heart broken really. Because...is that really how she remembers things? I know her mom's had 7 years (actually longer if you include the weekend visits) to put that crap into her head. Not sure why she doesn't think she is a priority with him...all his kids are his priority. And then she was all like "I forgive you for everything you've ever done and I love you".
Wonder if she sent her mom a letter with all the bad things that she did to her? She was spanked with the belt by her mom and SF, she was told not to speak to us or she would be spanked, she was withheld from DH for almost 2 years, was told to not even look at him at games or she would get it, etc.
I was really ticked off when I first read the letter. But now that I've had a couple hours to think about it...if that's what she really remembers....then I'm just sad, because things did not happen like she is saying or insinuating they did.
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Sampoe
enthusiast
Reged: 01/27/11
Posts: 325
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You lost me at the spatula incident. So your husband hit a door with a spatula, in a rage and it resulted in an injury to your step daughter and you have to ask WTH?
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NikkiL
addict
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 644
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What do you say? I think I would start with "Im sorry, very very sorry."
Your post sounds like all the things she said happened, DID happen. You dont like the way it sounds when its repeated back to you from her point of view. But her point of view is completely understandable given the stories you tell. DH having tantrums that resulted in her injury? You dont think that deserves an apology? She was obviously stuck in the middle of her feuding parents, in one breath you say her mother filled her head with "crap" and was spanked with belts by her BM and SF if she talked to you, then when she didnt talk to you, she was called selfish. OKKK Yeah sounds like ALL OF THE ADULTS in the situation owe this girl some apologies..and you should mean them because what you all did to her, sounds like abuse to me. Physical and mental abuse. WTH, you ask? No kidding. WTH.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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I can tell you this - around here - using a belt that results in a red mark is a fast road to child Protective Services involvement.
I am sorry you are having these issues. Hopefully, it will work out. I wonder what prompted the inquiry all of the sudden
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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No, but good job reading more into it and twisting my words.
We believe in spanking with belts. Her mom and step-father do too. The last time DH spanked her with a belt, she moved and it left a red mark on her, which disappeared within a few hours. She is claiming it left a bruise (it didn't). She was probably about 8. The spatula...he hit a cabinet to close it (in frustration, yes, but not at me or the kids), it broke and flew backwards and hit her in the forehead. He apologized at the time, and yes, he will again since she needs to hear it again.
Her mom threatened to spank her and her brothers if they so much as looked at us a football practices and games. This was during the custody battle. This was separate from the spanking and spatula incident. She was called selfish by me when she refused to come around because our home was not up to her standards after her mom got a couple million and bought a beautiful, expensive home. In fact, her mom was rewarding her with gifts and parties when she chose to stay with her rather than come to us. So, yes...I called her selfish then. And she was and is. All kids are selfish, especially teenagers.
Wanna go there? Her mom was found to be guilty of psychological abuse to her and her brothers by a psychiatrist and the courts. You don't think DH and I was under the same scrutiny as her mom and SF? You would be wrong.
In the south...in east TN, spanking with belts is not considered abuse. Not at this time, anyway.
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toomom
member
Reged: 05/13/12
Posts: 141
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your husband physically abused his daughter in the past. She is asking for her father to admitt to the physical abuse which he did to her and the emotional abuse you inflicted on her. To deny it will only make the abuse that much worse in her brain FOREVER. If at 11 years latter she is still hurt by the spatula incident I dare say, it must have been really bad. I don't think parents just abuse one child. I bet the others were abused too.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30201
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It sounds like she is being coached to remember bad things. My advice? Apologize. Tell her, "During the custody battle, we were ALL under a lot of stress. As adults, we can get frustrated just like kids. The spatula incident is one in which we regret that it happened, but it did, and we are sorry. The belt incident is simply false, there was no bruise. There was a red mark, but even a 'time out' chair will leave a red mark if you sit on it long enough. We are not perfect, we made and will continue to make mistakes. I am sorry for any of the mistakes that hurt you, emotionally or physically. Asd for calling you selfish, you, at the time, were acting selfish, and as your parents, it is our job to point that kind of behavior out so you can modify it as you become an adult. If there was a better way of doing that, you can try that with your own children, we did the best we could at the time. Is there anything we can do to rectify the situation, or did you just need to get that off your chest?"
And leave it at that. One of the things a lot of these Christian places do is teach people to look at their past and see where they have wronged people, and make ammends, either to the person directly, or to someone else by helping them.
Unfortunately, while it is with the GREATEST intention, many church folks (counselors and such) do not have the training to dredge up such memories and deal with the backlash that can occur. Perhaps she confronted her Mom, and the response was, "Well, you DAD did this and this and that..." And her anger turned towards Dad. If Dad DEFENDS himself, in her eyes, he will be NO better than MOM, in refusing to take responsibility for his actions. If he APOLOGIZES (remember, "I'm sorry" is FREE) all of a sudden he is acting like the adult I THINK he wants her to become, one that takes responsibility for his choices, and stands by them, even when they are not popular. All of a sudden MOM Is the irresponsible one who only wants to BLAME.
Just my 2 cents, I could be wrong, but you should have your husband read this post.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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And you see, that is why DH never spanked her again...because he felt horrible for leaving a mark on her (even though it went away that same day)...he never spanked any of them again since that day. He apologized to her for that then, after it happened. He never meant for it to touch her legs.
Oh, and trust me, the BM tried to use that against us, but it's not illegal here and was not considered abuse...it didn't leave a bruise or cut the skin.
I think she views the incidents as alot worse than what they were because of how young she was and I know her mom was telling her it was abuse, that DH was abusive (heck, it was all in the court records, her accusing him of abuse towards the kids AND her). At the same time, her mom was doing much worse (which came to light during the battle too...causing her to lose custody...the same battle where she wound up in jail).
I think while she has questions...she also wanted him to know that she forgives him for every wrong thing he did, and all the mistakes he has made in parenting (and there are plenty...we all make mistakes as parents). I really wonder if she sent her mom a similar letter. Her mom has done some pretty horrible things to her and the boys over the years. More psychological in recent years than anything.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30201
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There was NO abuse, stop your crap. The spatula incident was an ACCIDENT, and the belt left no bruise (spanking with a belt is NOT< per the LAW, abuse, unless it leaves LASTING mark, and a red mark does not count), thus there was NO abuse.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30201
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And doing ANYTHING other than saying you are sorry and you did the best you could will keep it going. Denying or blaming will cause her to RE-examine it, and it will only get worse and she goes over it again and again.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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