ivehadit
journeyman
Reged: 05/22/12
Posts: 69
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So, are you saying you beat your animals with a belt? You are a sick troll that needs to leave. You bring nothing positive to this board. Now bugger off!
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Thanks, English...I agree with everything you posted. I, too, was spanked with a belt when I was a kid. My older brothers got it more than me, and I should have got it more than I did! lol We didn't get spanked alot...because after a few times...receiving the "look" was enough to make us behave. I look back and am grateful for the discipline I got as a child. At 17, my SD isn't there yet...but I'm sure one day she will be...probably shortly after she has kids of her own.
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toomom
member
Reged: 05/13/12
Posts: 141
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You spank with a parent's hand on the bottom (still not OK) and when a parent picks up an object to "spank" you with, it is hitting or beating you. Why would any parent take an object to hit their child? The only reason is...they want to HURT them physically. Do you hurt your pets?
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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When we were kids, corporal punishment was allowed, even in vogue. We had an occasional soft belt swat as well as a swat with a yard stick or a wood spoon. I don't remember it as abusive. In fact, the most effective discipline or traumatic thing I remember is when we made mom cry.
Times have changed. It is not longer viewed as ordinary discipline. Do I agree? I think there are better methods. Do I think it abuse? There are degrees of everything. It can be. It depends on how it is administered.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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It sounds like she is being coached to remember bad things. My advice? Apologize. Tell her, "During the custody battle, we were ALL under a lot of stress. As adults, we can get frustrated just like kids. The spatula incident is one in which we regret that it happened, but it did, and we are sorry. The belt incident is simply false, there was no bruise. There was a red mark, but even a 'time out' chair will leave a red mark if you sit on it long enough. We are not perfect, we made and will continue to make mistakes. I am sorry for any of the mistakes that hurt you, emotionally or physically. Asd for calling you selfish, you, at the time, were acting selfish, and as your parents, it is our job to point that kind of behavior out so you can modify it as you become an adult. If there was a better way of doing that, you can try that with your own children, we did the best we could at the time. Is there anything we can do to rectify the situation, or did you just need to get that off your chest?"
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Like.
At camp, you do find kids opening up about their lives and sometimes it triggers a memory or a feeling. Maybe these aren't how they happened or maybe these aren't how they happened in your mind. Either way I think the best thing to do is acknowledge the feelings and see what it takes to help her sort the feelings out. It may hurt, but parenting does hurt sometimes.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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I was spanked with the belt. The one that hung on the wall so you could remember it just in case. Belts these days are taboo. Heck spanking is taboo. Sometimes a quick pop on the butt is all you need to set them straight. When you use it as discipline and not out of anger.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19807
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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WTH! Ok, what do you say to your 17 yr old daughter when she is asking questions about memories she has that are warped?
---> You start out by 1) NOT getting angry, 2) NOT calling them 'warped' and 3) NOT making assumptions about the one of her letter.
---> While Gr8Dad's advice is pretty good, I don't agree with everything. First of all, I would leave out all the 'custody battle' stuff and who gets 'frustrated' and 'regret' and so on and so forth and just stick to the four issues that she is asking about in a simple an clear manner:
1. why she isn't his priority
---> "You, as with your brothers and sisters have ALWAYS been a priority in my life. It's why I work to provide you with the things that you need, it's why I make time to be with each one of you."
2. why she was called selfish for so long
---> "Because you were selfish for so long."
3. bruises left on her from the belt
---> "No bruises were EVER left of you when you were disciplined! The second time I ever spanked you, you moved and your leg was hit instead of your butt. Because of that, I never spanked you again."
4. the cut on her head from a spatula
---> "That was a freak accident. I hit the cabinet with the spatula and it broke and it went flying and hit you in the head."
---> You also want to praise her for coming to you with these questions and let her know that she can always do so in the future.
---> My oldest daughter was 18 when she said that she wanted to talk to me because she had some questions. She was having a lot of problems with her father at the time and was staying with some friends while she finished her Senior year. I told her that I would do my best to answer them in an open and honest manner, but depending on what she asked, I might tell her that it was none of her business. Specifically, questions dealing with her father's and my marriage were none of her business because they had nothing to do with the parent-child relationship. I made sure she understood that her father was NOT a bad man, but sometimes we make bad choices for good reasons, or reasons that seems good at the time. Her father was who he was and she could either accept him as that or not...it was her choice. She ended moving back home a week later and her relationship with her father improved after that. Several years later she thanked me, said our conversation allowed her to stand up to her father because I never once trashed him.
---> Again...keep the answers simple and to the point. If she wants to know more, she will ask. Be honest, but don't hesitate to tell her that there are things that are none of her business. There may also be things that she is yet too young to understand, but don't be condescending when you say it. You might want to point out that at one time she though boys had cooties or that something was 'gross' until she got older. That's the way life works...no matter what your age, there is always still something to learn.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Thanks, Gecko...I'll have my DH read this...I think he may go for what you said more than anything.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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[quote]It sounds like she is being coached to remember bad things. My advice? Apologize. Tell her, "During the custody battle, we were ALL under a lot of stress. As adults, we can get frustrated just like kids. The spatula incident is one in which we regret that it happened, but it did, and we are sorry. The belt incident is simply false, there was no bruise. There was a red mark, but even a 'time out' chair will leave a red mark if you sit on it long enough. We are not perfect, we made and will continue to make mistakes. I am sorry for any of the mistakes that hurt you, emotionally or physically. Asd for calling you selfish, you, at the time, were acting selfish, and as your parents, it is our job to point that kind of behavior out so you can modify it as you become an adult. If there was a better way of doing that, you can try that with your own children, we did the best we could at the time. Is there anything we can do to rectify the situation, or did you just need to get that off your chest?"
And leave it at that. One of the things a lot of these Christian places do is teach people to look at their past and see where they have wronged people, and make ammends, either to the person directly, or to someone else by helping them.
Unfortunately, while it is with the GREATEST intention, many church folks (counselors and such) do not have the training to dredge up such memories and deal with the backlash that can occur. Perhaps she confronted her Mom, and the response was, "Well, you DAD did this and this and that..." And her anger turned towards Dad. If Dad DEFENDS himself, in her eyes, he will be NO better than MOM, in refusing to take responsibility for his actions. If he APOLOGIZES (remember, "I'm sorry" is FREE) all of a sudden he is acting like the adult I THINK he wants her to become, one that takes responsibility for his choices, and stands by them, even when they are not popular. All of a sudden MOM Is the irresponsible one who only wants to BLAME.
Just my 2 cents, I could be wrong, but you should have your husband read this post. [/quote]
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I haven't made it through the whole thread yet, but have to say.....this sounds like EXCELLENT advice on how to phrase things.
Maybe these reflections are because of a specific 'assignment' at the camp. Maybe she has been ruminating on these issues for awhile because there are some feelings there she hasn't adequately dealt with.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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[quote]He doesn't intend to lay blame anywhere else or denying that the incidents happened (even if they are a little skewed in her brain). She is questioning them, so I think he should give her an honest answer WITHOUT mentioning her mom and anyone else. Should he mention how young she was and that it's not surprising that she's not remembering it accurately? [/quote]
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I would NOT say that she isn't remembering this accurately. I would say that I remember it differently.
I would somehow try to get in the conversation that parenting styles and what is considered 'acceptable' punishment for children HAS changed over the years. Heck, I don't think CPS would be too happy with how often my mom did the ol' washing our mouths out with soap for cursing/wise answers, but I don't consider that abusive. I would NOT say that what dh did was NOT abusive (in his conversation with her, I'm not 'judging' the incidents). I would say that he did not think that he was doing anything abusive, he thought he was doing 'basic parenting 101' What he should focus on his her feelings about it. Did she think he didn't love her ? Did she think he was too strict ? If she insists on an 'abuse label', I think he should state his perspective, but NOT argue the point. Focus it on her feelings.
Sounds like this is an opportunity to repair and strengthen......or damage and divide. Moving into the sexually active years WITHOUT unresolved 'daddy issues' sounds like a good plan.
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