JoJoMan
recently joined
Reged: 07/14/12
Posts: 7
Loc: Houston, TX
|
|
There seems to be something about listening to (or reading) other people who have been where you are. This site is great. Thank you everyone who has shared here. It is helping. I feel a little better but still hurting, confused and feeling lost.
After reading a lot of posts here, I don’t see one that reminds me of the story of my divorce so here goes. Has anyone been here? Did I ruin my marriage or was there really no hope. How do I move on now? I still love her.
The divorce was final last month, June, 2012. We separated in August 2011. This was my first and only marriage so far. I was 42 when we married; she was 33 and previously divorced about 3 years. She had 6 and 8 year old girls at that time and was pregnant with my son 3 months after we met.
I think I starting falling in love with her the moment I met her, though I hid it from her until she told me she was pregnant. Marring her was something I really wanted. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. I asked her that night and she said yes. 6 months later, we had a child together and I felt blessed beyond imagining. – Oh wait….I left out the part that at about 6 months pregnant, she starts getting cold feet, won’t talk about marriage plans, hates everything to do with our planned wedding, stops any physical contact – rejects every attempt to hug, cuddle, kissing seems like it’s a chore.
I put most of that up to being pregnant but got upset with her a couple times and told her why it hurt that she didn’t seem to want any of this. We called off the wedding. A few months later we decided to go on with it with all new simplified plans. I still loved her but mostly went ahead with it for our future son.
Fast forward a year – We are both started drinking too much, I’m miserable. Sex is rare and only when drunk. Sober, she had zero desire for any intimacy and rejected any advances. We never cheated on each other.
We did sort of settle into a hello and good by kiss routine. After a lot of fights, misery, and mutual hurting, We both got help and gave up the drinking, though about a year apart. I went to a support group and still do. She just gave it up some time after I did but we had created several years of hurt from the fights.
The last couple of years, we rarely fought but a lot of damage was done to our relationship. Sex was maybe once every 6-9 months. There were many OK memories and a few special moments of comfort of just having each other close but mostly, very distant. I felt rejected and alone most of my marriage. Attempts to talk through things still had much baggage from the days we drank, were she no longer was willing to work on much of anything if we had conflict.
I finally left work when the company began cutting back and started new but making a lot less money. She needed to get a job to help out and was very angry about it for months. Finally, I asked her when we were going to try to do something to work through our relationship issues and she said she didn’t think she loved me anymore. I asked her if she wanted to get a divorce and she said “Im Done”. I suggested we give it a few months and decide if we want to do that. Two months went by and I asked her again if she wanted to try to work through this,..pretty much same answer
I filed for divorce a few days later. When I told her, she was really angry and blamed me for the divorce. Through it all, I kept trying to get her to reconcile or be willing try to save the marriage. I told her I loved her but could not stay unless we worked through these issues. She refused counseling and was not willing to change anything and would rarely agree to even talk about the issues. We were still living together for a few months after but that came to an end when she said I should not be sleeping in the bed any more.
I moved out and we actually started getting along really well. Partnering as parents better than ever, the details of the divorce were very cooperative. We agreed to postpone the divorce for a few months while we were thinking about it. When we talked about it, she told me a few times how happy she was living without me. As the deadline came up for the postponement, I told her I will always love her but suggested we go forward. After all, I had seen no indication from her that she wanted our marriage.
When I see her today, I am very drawn to her. I long to be close to her but I did that when married to her too. There was a man at her house today, though she made a point of telling me he was just a coworker who was married and nothing was going on. BS!
Anyway, I feel awful. I still love her, want her and I hate it. Today was a wakeup call that in her mind, its is probably over and has been for a very long time. We are actually planning to do something tomorrow as friends. After writing this, I feel like an idiot for ever considering her friendliness the past year as any indication that she wants something to do with me other than as a very EX Ex-husband.
|
Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
|
|
Well follow your realization that to her its over...as hard as it is...move on...continue counseling... a married man at her home? hmmm...could have been nothing but your post states BS...so again follow your instincts
you said she blames you for the divorce? well it takes two unless one of you was cheating..its usually both sides
its hard to walk away from someone you love
i find it difficult that when money was different she got mad about the possibility that she had to work I know being a stay at home mom is great but in todays economics thats very hard to do and when you are part of a team, like a marriage, both team members, husband and wife, pull together
its great that you get along so keep working for that
i wish you luck...keep posting here for support
|
confused76
recently joined
Reged: 07/30/12
Posts: 2
|
|
I am presently going through the same thing. It was my decision to leave I had enough, I felt like I was the only one trying there was no communication in our marriage and it felt like the only real connection we had was during sex. I could beg for him to talk to me and show me that he loved me he said things would change but unfortunately they never did. I would find myself crying at night and he would actually get mad and say stuff like this s$!t again. I couldn't take it anymore neither if us was happy he was always in a bad mood I was always upset. So we filed for divorce which he continues to bring up that this is what I wanted. I moved my furniture yesterday and I can't stop crying. I rear this is normal but I don't know I feel loud the life is being sucked out of me. Now I question if I made a mistake, but I know if I stayed I would my misrable. Does the pain ever dull? I'm hurting so bad inside right now someone please tell me it gets better
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
