lovely12
journeyman
Reged: 07/05/05
Posts: 64
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LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGG story short, just the facts......
Divorced 10 years (Texas)
One 12 year old daughter together
Mother has Primary Custody
Father has Standard Possession
Father allotted 30 days Extended Summer Possession (July 1 - 31) in addition to 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends throughout entire year (summer weekends NOT excluded)
During ESP, I (Mother) am allotted one weekend if notice given by April 15
Father has never utilized his Extended Summer Possession since divorce took place in 2002
Mother did not give notice by April 15 for that one weekend due to his never utilizing ESP
Daughter tells Mother in June that she will be with Father for entire month of July. Daughter very distraught
Mother acknowledges she missed the April 15 deadline, but asks Father if she can have any weekend of his choice during that 30 day period
Father says no
We live in same neighborhood; Daughter is 3 blocks away
Father works most days; Daughter stays home alone or with friend
I am off work for the summer; I am home all day with her 3 year old sister (3 blocks away)
Daughter has communicated to dad she wants to see her mother and sister
Father has said no
Father is not breaking decree, per se, though he IS MAXIMIZING 'Disruption and Exposure to Harmful Parental Conflict'
(Side note: It is a VERY emotional time for all of us. Daughter is heartbroken and torn. I am trying my best not to put her in the middle of it, though I am encouraging her to openly communicate her feelings and pain to her father. She has never been able to really 'communicate' with her dad. I am making my requests directly to him. I sent her with several books on coping with your parents divorce. I have her set up with a counselor upon her return July 31 due to several difficluties she is facing and internalizing in regards to her father. What I really want to do is go pick her up and take her for a day....or two, but I don't want to rock the boat and make things worse for her little heart.
What Would YOU do????
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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I would not pick her up. I hate that the term possession used in a court order...who uses that, I guess Texas does.
It's July 16, so she is more than half way through her time. I don't know the story, but she gets to spend time with friends, so I think she will be fine. Going long periods of time without your kids can be heartbreaking on a parent. Encourage your daughter to make the best of the time with her dad.
As an aside, I think you should send some other type of book along with your daughter for summer reading. I'm sure you meant well sending books on coping with divorce, but this is the first extended stay she's had, maybe she'd be better off reading a series on something she likes, something to take her mind off the feelings of coping with a divorce. Books always helped me when I was in a place I didn't want to be.
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1753
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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Oh how I can empathize!!! I live in the same subdivision as my sons "Father of The year" who unfortunately has custody. During Ex's times of possession Son is FORBIDDEN to see me. And yes, I'm off all summer long while FOTY works & leaves Son with Stepmom. While I'm 5 blocks away & Son would ALWAYS rather be with me.
So I completely understand your predicament. However it COULD be worse. Your Ex could have custody.
And it WILL get better. By 13 my son was 'going for a bike ride with his friends' and coming directly over to hang out with me. Now he's 15 and riding his dirtbike over every day while his Father is at work. He just doesn't tell his Dad. What he doesn't know keeps *everyone* happy.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9816
Loc: Arkansas
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I completely agree - they've been divorced 10 years! The daughter needs something to lift her spirits, not something that will enable her to dwell on her frustration. Obviously she is allowed to TALK to mom so it's not as though this should be that frustrating.
In the future, mom should give notice by April 15; and should have every year since the time is awarded to dad without him having to pre-arrange. Yes, I think dad should have been flexible, but he isn't being so you gotta roll with it.
Mom, encourage your daughter and don't let her wallow in self pity. Just tell her 'hey dad does things his way, I do things my way. Let's go get pizza and ice cream when you get home!'.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Eve
member
Reged: 11/28/05
Posts: 112
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The father is 3 blocks away, works during the day, you are home with her little sister, and she is 12 years old. There is no reason she should not be able to come over and spend time with you and her sister when her dad is at work. To deny her that and make it a "wrong thing to do", IMO is not in her best interests. What purpose does that serve?
Her father should be very happy she can be with you whild he is working, not unsupervised at this critical age when kids need to be supervised and kept busy and happy. What would I do? I would call the family division at the court and talk to one of the mediators. This will be even more troublesome as she goes through the teen years.....13, 14, 15, 16, with no adult supervision during the summer days. I would express my concern to the court and ask for a modification in that on the days he is at work, and not home to supervise her, she be allowed to go to your house, returning to his house when he is home. STRESS that you are only trying to keep your daughter safe and emotionally healthy.
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