RSTING69
recently joined
Reged: 08/11/12
Posts: 1
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I met my ex-wife when i was 23 years old, she was 30 so we had a 9 year gap in our ages. I had not dated a lot up to that point and she had shown such great interest and desire in me that she had left her husband of 15 years. I felt tremendous guilt over that for many years as although my heart told me to not do what i was doing, i continued because she gave me that acceptance, emotional and physical love i had so longed for. We married a year later, she had 2 boys from her previous marriage which I raised as my own and they eventually called me Dad after a short time, i coached baseball, football and was very involved in their lives.
After about 7 years things started to change, the stress of my job and the stress of my exwifes past, before we met, consumed her to start drinking again, she had once been an alcoholic prior to us meeting. she began drinking heavily and trying to hide it. i despised working late knowing I would come home to her being intoxicated and most family gatherings were the same she felt the need to be intoxicated to deal with the issues. I pressed on, asked her to take it easy or get help, which she would stop for short periods and start up again.
I loved my ex-wife deeply and had wished for so long that things would return to the way they were when we were first married. Do not get me wrong we were a good team and had many brilliant and exciting times throughout our marriage, but she was stuck in her ways and often brought on arguements.
About 7 years ago my ex developed breast cancer, it was at a time in our lives where things were at their worst and then this happened, I was devastated as was she obviously and I quickly made a promise to God that I would stay by her side through this ordeal, I never missed a doctors appointment, I comforted her, helped her, waited on her, made her life as easy as I possibly could to the point of burying my own fears, anxiety, and emotions. I frankly was terrified of losing her and her going through something so horrible. I prayed to God everyday on my way into work, asked to take on her pain and anguish myself and take it from her. Nonetheless, she had to have a masectomy and only required her to take tomoxofin for 5 years, no radiation or kemo, she got very lucky in that sense. The entire ordeal brought us closer together for some time, but gradually things began to return to the way they were and i developed tremendous depression and anxiety. My anxiety become so bad I was often in the emergency room and hospital thinking I was having heart problems or stomach problems only to learn it was all anxiety. This time in my life hurt as I was always there for her and never complained or blinked an eye, when i went through my anxiety issues, although no where near as traumatic as what she went through, it was to me and she often became frustrated with me, rarely went to a doctors appointment with me and i overheard her ask a nurse on one occassion if it was just all in my head, it hurt.
The few years following all this things were back and forth and eventually I started to talk to an old classmate from high school, one I used to have a crush on, she was 2000 miles away however, but none the less we spoke often and about what i was going through. My ex and i came to a point where she sat in her office in our house all night playing on the computer and I stayed in mine, rarely communicated or did a whole lot. Last june my niece was involved in a horrific car accident that left her with slight brain damage, she was in a coma for 3 weeks, that seemed to be a turning point in my life as I just decided one day that life was too short to be miserable.
I went home one day and told my wife that I had no feelings for her anymore and that I just could not go on anymore. She showed no more interest in me physically or emotionally and no matter how much I tried to show her how much I cared or how beautiful she was eventhough she did not feel that way, things just were not working, she had started drinking again, more so than before and I saw darkness fall upon me.
Soon after I filed for divorce I became distant and cold towards my wife in hopes i would not show any emotion and not waiver from my decision as I had waivered from decisions in my life before once someone showed any form of emotion or hurt. My wife pleaded with me that we could get help and change, had our pastor calling me and told him I was seeing another woman, in essence I was speaking to my old classmate as if we were dating but for obvious reasons being 2000 miles away, we never had any physical contact. I soon broke off speaking to her as well and seperated myself from everyone in my life. My wife stood in our kitchen one day and read me a long letter about all of her faults and what I meant to her, but it fell on deaf ears as I already had my mind made up that I was sticking to my guns no matter what.
We were divorced in October of last year and I was doing well for the first 7 months, never gave any of it a second thought, then gradually things changed in my head, i started to question what I did, started feeling guilty, responsible, which I was, for what had happened. She soon after had met someone and has been living with him since after we were divorced, we had just started to communicate back in March again over divorce related issues, but eventually opened up to each other about what went wrong. Back in June, during a break up with my girlfriend I had met after the divorce, I had confided in my ex that I felt I made a mistake, i felt i ruined her life as she said she would never marry again and would never meet anyone like me again and gave up all hope on her fairy tale dream of having the perfect man and marriage, i was devastated when she told me these things. I had to see her one day to drop off a desk she wanted that I owned, it was the first time I had seen her since the divorce. I saw the apartment she was living in and the area she was in and I was overwhelmed with guilt and pain, I wept in the driveway asking her for forgiveness and realizing I made a mistake and telling her I was sorry for the conditions she was living in now, while I still sat in my house on the good side of town.
Now she recently emailed me asking if I had a copy of her resume and had went into detail how she was scared and that she was behind on rent, she was way behind on bills, and was terrified she was going to be out on the street living out of her car and could lose our two dogs we had that she now has.
I now am overcome with extreme guilt, grief, and a overwhelming feeling of responsibility for the situation she is in now. Her boyfriend does not work and she only works 30 hours a week. Her youngest son lives above her and he assures me she will not be out on the street, however, that she has been living irresonsibly I do not know if it is true or not but now I am terrified that this may happen and I feel confused that I still have feelings for her but know too much has happened to make it work and it is not fair for me to feel this way when I am in a relationship myself and it is affecting that relationship. I often feel that I cannot move some days that I feel crippled and depilitated due to this knowledge now and just feel so responsible. I pray to God and ask him to lift these burdens and bonds but they just seem to continue to get worse.
My friends and family tell me I should not feel guilty or responsible as we both are suffering the consequences of our actions of irresonsibility when we were together and that she is responsible for herself as I am for myself, but it is so hard to move past that and I know I need to in order to be healthly mentally and physically.
What do i do, i cannot afford to see a counselor although i think at this point i need to see one to be free of a lot of burdens. I feel horrible for what my ex wife is going through but another part of me is wondering why i am when she is with another person almost immediately after our divorce. she says she still cares very much about me and wishes the best for me and it confuses me and hurts to hear and see these things.
I just dont know what to do, some days I just dont feel like doing anything but sulking and feeling sorry for her and myself. :confused:
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Margarita
recently joined
Reged: 08/16/12
Posts: 1
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Life is tough - this includes divorce. Unfortunately, when people separate, they have to be prepared to live on their own. It sounds like your ex is getting into some destructive patterns that you have nothing to do with. Also, it sounds like you are feeling guilt because there is still the love and the connection. I will pray for your well being.
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