almostfree
newbie
Reged: 05/12/06
Posts: 38
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Just wanted to get some advice. My kids live with their mother and are with me every other weekend. They seem to be very stressed in her home. One is always having stomach issues there but doesn't have them at my house. The other child has made comments that she sleeps so much better at my house than at her mom's even though she takes melatonin(sp?) pills there. One of them is very vocal about hating their step-father. She went on a tirade about him right in front of her mother and the mother said "sorry you feel that way." It was an over the top tirade but I let it go figuring mom would deal with it but she didn't.
I can't really deal with their mother about these things because she disregards my opinions on all of it and then it just creates tension between us. The kids have asked to go see a counselor which is going to happen soon I hope. Just wandering if anyone has any ideas how to deal with this. I would love to ask all kinds of questions about what is happening at home, but I don't want to be percieved as snooping or spying.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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How old are your kids? Have the children given you reasons for hating their SF? How long has he been in their lives? Is it because he tells them to do things or because he is truly a mean person? Sometimes kids have anxiety over being told what to do by someone who is not their parent. It's also easy for them to blow things out of proportion in their minds to the point where they have trouble sleeping or eating.
Counseling is a good idea. It could be beneficial to have a neutral party help everyone better understand each other.
I think I would have probably reacted the same way to the tirade that your x did. If one of my kids went off on me about my SO, I would also tell them I am sorry they feel that way. (I'm pretty sure my x would do the same thing if the kids did that in regards to his wife) Of course i know what goes on in my home and that he is a good person who cares for them. they just don't always like the way he approaches issues within the home (ie cleaning up after themselves and doing their share) things are not always black and white.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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almostfree
newbie
Reged: 05/12/06
Posts: 38
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The kids are 10 and 11. The SF has been in the picture for a few years. I get the impression that he does very little with them but takes the time to yell at them. Of course, filtered through a child, you really have no idea.
The problem I had with the mothers reaction was that one, the child was very disrespectful which needed to be corrected. Two, I would be wanting to find out why the child felt so strongly. If the child felt that way about my gf, I would be trying to figure out what was giong on.
There is obviously something going on in the house that is making the kids stressed. Of course mom just says it's typical mother/daughter problems but having been married to her, I know that nothing is ever her fault so obviously that just leaves the children as the problem.
Hopefully counseling will fix the problems.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Having not been married to her I can't respond to that.  However, having 3 teenage girls and a 4yo I can attest to the fact that 10/11/12 is about when girls and mom's start to clash over EVERYTHING. The pre-teen attitudes start with a vengence. I'm not defending your x not knowing her but this is something I have gone through with all of mine. I can also tell you that my X (and we get along very well) was completely excluded and immune to what they put me through. He did not believe how extreme they could be.
I really believe that counseling is almost always a positive, so I think you're moving in the right direction with it.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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episkopos
recently joined
Reged: 05/12/12
Posts: 5
Loc: Ghana
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I don't think concern about your children's welfare should be considered snooping or spying at all. They are your children whom you care about and want the best for. If they are old enough to follow advice, you can tell them what to do when you find out the underlying causes of their dissatifaction in their mum's house. For instance, could it be that the inability to sleep well is because the apartment is noisy and uncomfortable in terms of beddings? This has to be sorted out asap before they become teenagers as it can actually get worse. I hope seeing the counsellor helps greatly.
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