zchighsmith001
recently joined
Reged: 10/30/12
Posts: 7
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Ok, so heres the deal. Im married with 2 kids and in the Marine Corps. My wife and I get along for the most part, but when we fight its like noone else in the world could be right but her. In addition to that, the fun and excitment are gone. I hardly ever think about her or miss her even though Im deployed right now. I have heard that the excitment dies down after being married for so long and only happens sporaticly, but in my case it never happens. I don't feel attracted to her at all anymore. There really isn't anything there. I mean shes great person and I don't hate her or anything, but I just don't know if I love her anymore. I cant remember the last time I actually felt something for her. I have really been considering divorce lately, but I have 2 kids and I don't want to make things hard on them. They both are very young, but I'm just nervous. I havent tried marriage counseling or talking to her yet, but I dont think either will help. This is just how I feel. I will try them anyway, but idk if it will make a difference. Anyone been there before?
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6481
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Before marriage counseling, you could start with individual counseling to help you decide what you want. If you are already checked out, CAN you check back in ? The ol' "fake it til you make it plan" Act like you did when you were "in love" and see if things spark again.
I'm a marriage counseling flunk out. Lack of meaningful communication even with a counselor to guide us was what convinced me that my marriage was O V E R ! I'm still glad we went through the process. Unless there is some kind of abuse going on, which is not the case for you......I think with kids involved, you owe it to them to give the marriage your BEST shot and not walk away because it's "boring."
That's my 2 cents.
Good luck with figuring it all out.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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My 2 cents, love isn't a feeling that comes and goes. It is something you do. And in a marriage its something you have committed to do as long as you both live. And its a promise you made to your kids that you would do when you brought them into this world.
I agree perhaps you need to see a counselor if for no other reason than maybe you can learn how to deal with her when you are arguing in a way that brings out a better side in her and doesn't leave you feeling like you got run over by the bus. No one should feel like their perspective and opinions are meaningless in their family and home. But maybe she doesn't realize how much this has torn down your connection with her.
But the flip side - as a military wife - I can attest that you guys are gone a lot. Even when you aren't - you have very demanding jobs. That means she makes EVERY decision without you for long periods of time. Having you come in and suddenly insert yourself - because you are back now - can feel a lot like criticism. Like the way she's been doing things wasn't good enough. If asked - she might say that she flies off the handle because you are constantly criticizing her. Just something to think about.
Not saying that anyone is right or wrong - just that when everyone is working their a$$ off to get through the day - sometimes we forget to nurture our relationship and take time to remember what we saw in someone when we married them. I would certainly want to explore all the options before I went through a divorce.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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zchighsmith001
recently joined
Reged: 10/30/12
Posts: 7
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Thats actually one of the things that bothers me about her, she doesn't do much of anything. Yeah she takes care of the kids, but everything else is neglicted. She tries to say that keeps her so busy that she can't do anything else, but Its never been a problem for me. I have taken care of them many times and still found time to keep the house clean, dishes clean, and laundry done. I wouldnt expect her to do anything that I haven't already done myself. And when I ask her to do something, like look into how much her speeding ticket is that she just got, it takes days,weeks, and sometimes month to get her to actually look into it. I understand that taking care of the kids is hard work, I get that, but that doesn't mean you have no time to do the other things. And just as a side note, she is a stay at home mom and has really shown no indications of trying to work or go to college. Again, I realize kids are a handfull, but if you arent going to take care of things that I don't have the time to do, then why can't you improve yourself in a way that you can contribute financially? I want to actually be able to retire one day, but with one source of income thats going to be hard as hell. Being military, we get discounted day care It would be affordable. Why can't she work or do college if she's not going to do anything at home?
As for the love statement, I disagree. I do appreciate the advice, but I just don't want to spend my life going through the motions with someone I don't have feelings for. I do agree though with the counseling statement. I should go and will, just to see if maybe there is any feelings left. I love my kids, but I cant stay in a marriage where Im not happy. My dad and mom divorced when I was young and It didn't cause any problems with me. I have a great relationship with both of them.
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I am hearing all these things that she is (or isn't doing) and how they are affecting your feelings for her. Have you told her? I mean really sat down and said "XYZ is important to me, and having you not make it a priority is affecting how I feel about you and our marriage." I mean if you are considering divorcing her over it - don't you think she deserves to know? But you have to be willing to compromise too. Maybe making the bed every day is just not something she cares about, but you do. But not having dirty dishes in the sink is important to you, but not her. Maybe you can go halfway. She works at not having you come home to a sink full of gross dishes and you give up on a made bed.
To me you have glossed over the hardest part about being a SAHM. It's not cleaning the house or taking care of the kids is too hard. It's not. As you have seen. There is just no reward. There are no Fitreps, end of tour awards, or just in general "attaboys." In fact usually you get covered in bodily functions and screamed at even when doing your best work. An endless cycle of thankless work and the same thing day after day. It wears you down mentally to where you motivation can be lost.
No one wants to be married to someone forever who is dragging you down. I just encourage you to try lifting her up before you throw her out. Get her involved in her interests or encourage her to find out what they are. I joined some SAHM groups at churches everywhere we moved and got great time with like minded people. You have them over, want your house clean, you share tips on how to keep things neater and clean faster, and things sort of develop from there.
Realistically - you may have enjoyed a good relationship with both of your parents - but you have no guarantee it will work that way. In fact - you will likely be at BEST an eow parent - until she decides to leave with the kids moving to wherever and maybe between your schedule and her newGuy you will see them a couple times a year. But no worry - she'll get her 22% (or more) of your take home pay to spend with her newGuy. You know what kind of man is attracted to a woman with money and easy access to kids whose father is 10 states away? Yep, that guy could be living with your kids. You have no control or even influence over the person she decides to become and people she has living with your kids without you. My husband was able to finally get custody of ONE of his 2 kids after he opened up after years of abuse. Why he never said anything I'll never know. I do know that having a man take care of her was more important to his ex than taking care of his kids. And the courts don't do shyt until it is far too late.
Practically - At a minimum I encourage you to wait until your kids are all in school. Otherwise you will get to pay for daycare and child support in many states. And they can't travel alone to see you until they are 7.
Love is something you do - just some days (years) are easier than others to do it. Like the few years where my husband worked 14 hour days 7 days a week and came home and had a hard time transitioning from yelling at those who were being incompetent and HAD to listen to him - to how he can speak to me. But mentally I knew in my heart that it was temporary with that job. To you - where she is now - doesn't feel temporary. Maybe you are right. Maybe not. Maybe you are right, but you have the power to change that. You'll never know until you try. And if you try and fail, you will know you did all you could.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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zchighsmith001
recently joined
Reged: 10/30/12
Posts: 7
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Lately the whole situation has been bothering me and I really want to talk about it with her so we can maybe figure something out. Im deployed though and Im not sure if I should bring it up now or not. Any advice?
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zchighsmith001
recently joined
Reged: 10/30/12
Posts: 7
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And just to add to what I initially said, I have been gone a month so far and there hasn't been a single moment where I missed her. I miss my kids, but not her. The only time I think about her is when Im thinking about what I should do about the indefferince I feel. In all honesty the only thing complicating things are my kids and the deployment. If we didnt have any kids and I wasnt deployed I would have already brought it up and possibly moved on.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
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[quote], but with one source of income thats going to be hard as hell. Being military, we get discounted day care It would be affordable. Why can't she work or do college if she's not going to do anything at home?[/quote]
It's kind of hard to build a career or go to a school that an employer would take seriously (I am a little dubious of online college) if one has to move around because one's spouse is in the military and gets restationed elsewhere.
Now, if you are in a position where you don't get moved to other states, then the above does not apply.
But if you are, well, your career choice is hampering her choices.
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zchighsmith001
recently joined
Reged: 10/30/12
Posts: 7
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Thank you for everyones advice so far. I have another question. Do you think I should bring up whats going on now? Should I tell her while Im deployed that I want to seek marriage counseling when I get back?
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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Frankly, I think things at home, whenever possible, should be dealt with when you are, in fact, home. You have a job to do. You can deal with this when you get home. IMO no good can come of you announcing you want marital counseling while you are not able to be there to really get your point across.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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