Lydia72
recently joined
Reged: 11/29/12
Posts: 1
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Currently going through a separation and soon to be divorce....need advice. Married to a functional alcoholic that can be very verbally abusive. We have been married for 16 years, no children. He makes about 250K and I make 45K. He also told me that he did not want me to work very much because he did want his wife to work like "his co-worker" wives. Now that alcohol has taken over his life, I have had enough. He has promised me the world in the past but I cannot live with an alcoholic anymore. We do have debt because he likes to spend a lot of money and I feel that I have to work to keep up with his spending. What am I to expect when I get a divorce and what is he going to be responsible to pay me in spousal support so that I can get my feet on the ground???? He has pretty much spent my share of savings on himself. I do live in Wisconsin. Any advice would really help me right now. Thanks.
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hanzblinx
enthusiast
Reged: 08/13/10
Posts: 380
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45k/yr sounds like you have your feet on the ground. anyone can live off that. what you are really asking is how you can become a leech and have some luxuries from it. good luck with that.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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While I wouldn't have phrased it quite like hanzblinx did, I tend to agree with his statement.
45K is definitely enough for one person to live on -- I will never understand why anyone **man OR woman** would cave to their spouse's **demands** that they not work. Did he confine you and MAKE you not work? No, of course not.....and anyone that would rely on an alcoholic to meet obligations is being foolish.
Attempt to get a decent split of your marital debt and move on --
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6481
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Now that's not fair, BBRN. My husband made it clear that he didn't want me working....that way, he wouldn't have to pick them up at the babysitter's everyday and take care of them in the evening.
Of course, he still expected me to have the same income and pay the same bills, so needless to say I still HAD to work....lol
Truthfully, I agree with you. I don't understand looking at marriage as a lottery win if you 'score' with a higher earning spouse. If someone is able to support themselves, I don't understand why they wouldn't want to.
Lydia, because of the disparity in your incomes and marriage of decent length, with the 'right' lawyer or the 'right' judge, you probably will be able to get a decent amount spousal support for quite a few years. The point we are trying to make is that just because you CAN doesn't always mean you SHOULD. What might push me in to pursuing some SS might be if you have few marital assets because your stbx has been spending excessively, etc or if you have a minimal retirement fund while he has a big one, etc. I would try to have reasonable expectations.
How much income did you really miss out on to be home more for him ? Not that you have to answer that here.....just think about it yourself. For example I was working as an RN in hospice, technically part time/per diem but usually getting OT, weekends off and averaging $50 K a year. I preferred direct patient care over a management job with a higher pay scale. I also preferred to work in suburbia. If I had worked full time and gotten benefits/retirement, my salary 'should' have been more in the 70-80 K a year range. That was a marriage compromise. My point is......I didn't miss out on a $250K job. When I chose my college major and type of nursing, I limited THAT kind of income. Nurses working in management or in a large city hospital can make over $100K, but that wasn't a direction that I wanted to take even if my husband/kids weren't in the picture. Did you have anywhere near the earning capacity your stbx has ? Did you enjoy any perks from being married to a higher wage earner ?
Just don't make this be about what he 'owes' you for being a drunk and ruining your life. I've just read too many stories here about spouses trying to do that. Tempting though it may be, it's not your job to punish him......and there is really not enough money in the world to fix things that way.
Another point to consider.....especially before building up a big bill with a lawyer. IF you get a generous SS settlement, you are still going to be dependent on a functional alcoholic to pay you. What if he loses his functionality and his job ? What if he just doesn't pay you ?
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hanzblinx
enthusiast
Reged: 08/13/10
Posts: 380
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If the love of money is the root of all evil, the love of other people's money is even worse. Make your own money, have some self respect.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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In WI? I know of a couple who divorced recently. He makes about 500k a year and she had no reportable income. She got 5k a month for 2.5 years, it was a 15 year marriage.
WI is not a very spousal support friendly state and 45k a year is definitely a livable income here. If you make that much "not working very much" they will likely take into consideration what you will make working full time. Due to the length of the marriage and the disparity in income you may be awarded something for a short period.
Here's a suggestion.....if the debt is due to his spending you'd be better off trying to get him to assume more of the debt. You will have to pay taxes on SS and will most likely be awarded half the debt. You might come out better off without SS.
BTW I agree with the others. If you are able to work (not handicapped) why in the world would you want to be supported by someone you don't want to be married to? that mindset gives me the heebie jeebies.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Lydia,
Choo, choo ! Gravy train boarding. You can live off your income, but you want a HUGE part of his, right ? Be honest with us, you want a free ride. You are anonymous here, you can tell the truth user.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30354
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I have to wonder what kind of self esteem issues you have that you are only able to earn 20% of what a "functional alcoholic" can earn.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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